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Is our relationship healthy? Ive been single most of my life and my social activities use to included socializing at the local pub, chatting with friends on social media and visiting them in their homes.....and since we have been together...I feel like my social life has gone to poo...He has requested that I no longer attend the bars unless it is with him...so that means no girls night out...And he says he doesn't want me to visit my friends house if the is a male present in their home, unless he is with me....every time I get on social media to check messages from family or friends, he asks me who I've talked to...in fear of me speaking to another man....And It is really starting to bothers me that he has to ask me what Ive done, who Ive talk too, or where Ive been....And Ive let him know this and that it makes me feel like he has a lack of trust in me....And at other times he feels like im hiding something if i dont tell him everything right away.....I am a very faithful woman to my husband and dont know how else to prove to him that he has nothing to worry about....
My mother asked me to go out with her for a drink one night while he was out of town working and I had to refuse to go. She says to me that he is trying to isolate/control me...but I just tell her it is an agreement that we made with each other...there has been other times that was a friend that i hadnt seen in a long awhile had come down for her birthday and asked me to join her for a birthday drink but i couldnt, cuz she was out at the bar....I was very tempted to go down there and just say hi to her in the parking lot and told my husband too...and if I would have he says that he still would have been upset, even though I would have never stepped foot into the place....
The other day I failed to tell him that I stopped by a female friend of mine house....I was on my way to the store and ask her if she needed anything and she needed a drink....He got upset with me cuz i didnt tell him that I stopped at her house for a second to drop her off a drink....and he found out about by seeing our texts messages to each other....He didnt tell me why he was upset until the next day and i knew ive done something wrong that whole night....
He tells me that I need to tell him everything cuz that's what a relationship is....I just feel like I have no personal life anymore...And I know communication is a key factor in maintaining a good marriage... but also feel like Ive lost personal freedom....
So I just want to know if I am wrong for feeling like he has jealously issues, like he is controlling who i can talk to or where i can and cant go. Is he isolating me? He tells me he worries about losing me, or is this just the way love is suppose to be?
 

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I could never, ever live like that, and would absolutely not stand for it! You can't meet your own mother at a drinking establishment because you aren't allowed to step foot in one? No effing way.

He's over the top distrustful, insecure, controlling and jealous. Was he cheated on in the past or something? That in no way excuses how he is treating you, but it might shed some light on where his insecurities come from.

Do these rules apply to him? Does he never, ever go out drinking anywhere without you? Does he never visit a guy friend if a woman is also in the house?

Honestly, I would never agree to all that you are accepting. I would tell him I couldn't and wouldn't and refuse to do it, and let the chips fall where they may because I would never, ever want to be with a man who insisted that I lock myself in a nunnery and questioned my every move and conversation.
 

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I left home at seventeen to get away from domineering, controlling parents. No way would I have a relationship with somebody that controlling, never ever. 😡

I don't hang out in bars with the girls, we go to restaurants or shopping. But if I want to go out for a drink with my sister I'm going. No effing way. Yuck.

Would he go to counseling?
 

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Unless you cheated on him, he has no right to demand all of that.

I do believe that it's important to make sure your spouse knows what you're doing and with whom at all times, and that they do have access to your texts etc. But when your spouse takes that knowledge and forbids you to have a life, that's extreme.
 

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Unfortunately,

I had to learn the hard way that when someone is the kind of controlling your partner is - He is probably the one ALREADY cheating on you.
At the very least he is trying to isolate and control you and destroy all realtionships you had with friends and family.

Here is a link that will give you some helpful/useful information regarding the different forms of abuse. You read the information and decide for yourself.

Domestic Violence and Abuse: Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships

NOTHING you do or don't do will cure HIS jealosy.
You can't PROVE anything to him to quelch his fears.
Being completely transparent hasn't helped.

Take an agonizing reappraisal of your situation.
What do you think it will be like when you have made children....it's even harder to get out unscathed. Some don't get out at all.

Also - ya know - He isn't your PARENT.
He has no right to keep you from seeing friends and Family.
You ONLY HAVE ONE MOTHER!
She is giving you words of wisdom - and she's right.

"So I just want to know if I am wrong for feeling like he has jealously issues, like he is controlling who i can talk to or where i can and cant go. Is he isolating me? He tells me he worries about losing me, or is this just the way love is suppose to be?"

NO, you aren't wrong. Yes he is trying to isolate you.
NO this isn't what or the way love (OR A HEALTHY RELATAIONSHIP) is supposed to be.

I hope the best for you!
 

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While I agree with all of the above responses, I feel it's kind of funny because normally people on TAM rail against "girls night outs" and some people claim they are the same as cheating. So many other people on TAM claim they have no friends other than their spouse, and that spouses demands always come first (the "wife's close friend is toxic" thread comes to mind). So what is the difference here? Why the change of heart?

But anyway jmcast, your husband is acting like a lunatic. Even if you had cheated on him, that's no way to live the rest of your life. your husband would need to eventually learn to trust you again or divorce you. It's got to go one way or the other.

Bottom line - without trust, how can there be a marriage? And your husband has decided not to trust you. You can't visit your mother in a bar? You think you did something wrong by dropping off something at your friend's house without telling your husband? Do you live in Saudi Arabia? What's next - you will have to cover your face and hair at all times in public?

I recommend setting some boundaries here, because if you have been as faithful as you claim, then you deserve much more trust than you are getting. And if your husband can't accept that, then I recommend couples counseling. And if he can't handle that, then I recommend ending your marriage. Please DON'T have children with him until this is resolved.

You made a vow to marry someone; you didn't make a vow to divorce all your family and friends. That wasn't part of the deal.

PS - I notice in jmcast's other thread, most people side with her jealous husband. Boy people on TAM are fickle!
 

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Her husband has gone WAY beyond forbidding GNO - he told her she can't have a drink with her own mother!

Obviously there's a happy medium between what this guy is doing and allowing your wife to do GNO at the bar 5 nights a week.

FWIW my opinion of GNO is that it can happen, just not at the bar or involving copious amounts of alcohol, and never overnight.
 

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While I agree with all of the above responses, I feel it's kind of funny because normally people on TAM rail against "girls night outs" and some people claim they are the same as cheating. So many other people on TAM claim they have no friends other than their spouse, and that spouses demands always come first (the "wife's close friend is toxic" thread comes to mind). So what is the difference here? Why the change of heart?
This goes way, way beyond a girls night out. He is imposing rules on every single interaction she has with anyone else, and questioning each and every conversation she might have with any other person. You get more freedom in jail.
 

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Is our relationship healthy? Ive been single most of my life and my social activities use to included socializing at the local pub, chatting with friends on social media and visiting them in their homes.....and since we have been together...I feel like my social life has gone to poo...He has requested that I no longer attend the bars unless it is with him...

Fair request if you go frequently but unfair to think you can NEVER go without him

so that means no girls night out...

Probably a good practice to steer clear of if it's frequent, but a couple times a year would be acceptable, in my opinion.

And he says he doesn't want me to visit my friends house if the is a male present in their home, unless he is with me....

Unacceptable request unless your friends are known to be free and inviting single men over.

every time I get on social media to check messages from family or friends, he asks me who I've talked to...in fear of me speaking to another man....

Acceptable to share in your life, unacceptable to interrogate - especially for that reason!

And It is really starting to bothers me that he has to ask me what Ive done, who Ive talk too, or where Ive been....

If it's curiosity, that's acceptable, but if it's part of a strategy to get you to change what you do or who you see, then it's crossed the line into unacceptable.

And Ive let him know this and that it makes me feel like he has a lack of trust in me....And at other times he feels like im hiding something if i dont tell him everything right away.....I am a very faithful woman to my husband and dont know how else to prove to him that he has nothing to worry about....

Don't prove a thing! Tell him to put on his big boy pants and realize that it's not reasonable for you to cut off half the world for his benefit. It's up to HIM to cope with whatever thoughts and feelings he has about that. You cannot fix what is inside his head and you'd be a fool to try. Unless you have given him reason to doubt, in which case SOME of this may be acceptable, then don't make HIS values more important than your own! Please read my article on the Top 3 Mistakes Women Make in Relationships to understand why accommodating him will ruin your relationship.

My mother asked me to go out with her for a drink one night while he was out of town working and I had to refuse to go.

EXTREMELY unacceptable!!
She says to me that he is trying to isolate/control me...

I suspect she's right.

but I just tell her it is an agreement that we made with each other...

and that you are making a major mistake.

there has been other times that was a friend that i hadnt seen in a long awhile had come down for her birthday and asked me to join her for a birthday drink but i couldnt, cuz she was out at the bar....I was very tempted to go down there and just say hi to her in the parking lot and told my husband too...and if I would have he says that he still would have been upset, even though I would have never stepped foot into the place....

You're being true to his values and neglecting your own!

The other day I failed to tell him that I stopped by a female friend of mine house....I was on my way to the store and ask her if she needed anything and she needed a drink....He got upset with me cuz i didnt tell him that I stopped at her house for a second to drop her off a drink....

You did not "FAIL" anything. You have NO obligation to report on your minor movements to anyone unless you choose to. If you forget and it's not something that affects another person, then you have no reason to feel bad.

and he found out about by seeing our texts messages to each other....

Snooping on you isn't a problem if you're honest, but if he didn't like what he sees, it is HIS problem, not yours, unless YOU choose to make it yours. Again, big mistake in this case.

He didnt tell me why he was upset until the next day and i knew ive done something wrong that whole night....

You say you "knew" you did something wrong. I'm disturbed by your wording. You did NOT do anything disloyal to your relationship, but because his perceptions are so screwed up, he punished and manipulated you... but you don't call it that, do you? Instead, you willingly take the blame. I hope you'll stop that immediately!

He tells me that I need to tell him everything cuz that's what a relationship is....

It's impossible to tell another person everything. "I had twenty-three peas on my plate at dinner, eight ounces of breaded chicken breast and six carrots" wouldn't be enough detail... he'd accuse you of neglecting to tell him the ingredients that were used. If you told him the ingredients, he'd say you didn't tell him how they were processed. I'm using this example to show how ridiculous these kinds of things can become. I'm sure he won't question you about your dinner plate, but if he wants to find a reason to make you wrong, he can and will find it. Don't believe me? Just look at what you've written so far - where you have not betrayed him or deceived him, but still feel accused and judged.

I just feel like I have no personal life anymore...

You don't. And as half of a committed couple, the whole idea of personal life changes, BUT you should still have sufficient independence to uphold your own values, beliefs, and priorities. If you cannot do that, then you're being abused AND abusing yourself.

And I know communication is a key factor in maintaining a good marriage...

Eh.. Talking is overrated. SUPPORTIVE communication is a key to a good marriage, but harmful communication is a sure path to singlehood.

but also feel like Ive lost personal freedom....
So I just want to know if I am wrong for feeling like he has jealously issues, like he is controlling who i can talk to or where i can and cant go. Is he isolating me? He tells me he worries about losing me, or is this just the way love is suppose to be?

He's expecting you to manage his feelings. It doesn't work that way. Yes he is controlling and isolating, and you're giving up you so he can feel... barely adequate?!? Nothing in my relationship looks like this at all, thank heavens, but only because I learned not to let this kind of stuff into my life. Only one person can be true to your values and beliefs. If you let yourself down, who'll be there to pick you up? Short answer: Not the person who has seen you demonstrate that your beliefs and feelings have very little value.
 

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Actually, I side with her husband for the most part. I don't believe that married people should be attending bars or dance clubs without their spouses, under any circumstances, with the possible exception of that time with her mother. You can easily meet the girls at a resturant, why does it have to be a bar. Also letting your spouse know where you are is just common courtesy and mutual respect. So GNOs or BNOs are out in my opinion and most social events should be attended as couples .... because that's what couples do.

Having said that, it does sound like her husband is going a little overboard. In the end, if you can't live with what he says are his required boundaries, then leave him .... but before you do, weigh the pros and cons. If being out with the girls means more to you then all the positives he provides you with or the love you share, then you choice is clear; split up .... but that's as equally shallow as his "jealousy".
 

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You say you "knew" you did something wrong. I'm disturbed by your wording. You did NOT do anything disloyal to your relationship, but because his perceptions are so screwed up, he punished and manipulated you... but you don't call it that, do you? Instead, you willingly take the blame. I hope you'll stop that immediately!

Wow!!! Kathy, you have REALLY changed your mind since jmcast's other thread back in February where you said, quote: "Sorry, but I am on your husband's side on this."

Any regrets for that? Why the 180 degree change?
 

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I had a look at your other thread, and while I agree that you were deceptive to your husband on that occasion, I think it was because of his previous jealous and controlling behaviour.

He told the OP from the get go that she is basically forbidden to talk to other men, go out with her friends - and now her mother!!! wtf?? - without him.

That's just ridiculous. He's your husband, not your father - and your father can only tell you what to do until you're 18!!

The bottom line is, either he trusts you or he doesn't. It's clear that he doesn't - and without trust, no marriage can survive.

I couldn't live like this.
 

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Jm I was married to a man like this for almost 25 years. When we first married he made it very hard and uncomfortable to maintain my friendships. Eventually I lost touch with them. I got pregnant right away and now my life became taking care of my child. If I wanted to go out with her I'd have to hear about germs and how she could get sick etc, etc. It just became easier to stay home.

Eventually I had two more children. He had no choice but to losen his grip as the kids went to school but would always have something to say about the moms I hung out with and when they all started hanging out as couples he had no interest.

Thirteen years into our marriage we moved across the bridge to another state. I was still close enough to my family and friends but now it made it harder just to pop in. Thing is I made even more friends here and got really involved in my son's school. He complained but now I did what made me happy. He still got his way but I was regaining control.

Jump to 2006 where I had two miscarriages. I always wanted more kids but he kept putting it off. I warned him my time was limited but he always laughed it off. Well after those miscarriages something really hit me. I was done letting him tell me what to do. I was done doing everything he said.

He took this as a sign that I didn't love him anymore. Guess who went and had an affair? It wasn't me. Then he left me for the posow in January. The kicker was this was someone he had worked with 20 years before and kept in touch with after he left his job.

This means all those years he was worrying about me cheating on him and leaving him, all those years he controlled me to make sure that didn't happen, he had this relationship with this pos. I'm not saying it was a pa all those years but it was an ea.

Don't ever let anyone control and manipulate you. I learned the hard way and I will never let that happen to me again.
 

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Theseus don't use this thread to try to bait anyone into a long drawn out battle

situations are different here than they were in the Toxic Friend thread for example

Notice I said nothing about GNO or bars.

In the Toxic friend thread that was a different scenario altogether.
THe husband in that thread wasn't isolating his wife from EVERYONE including her Family...but from one specific person.
 

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At least you're not going there to get a gynecological exam, right?;)

Add me to the list of people who think that this is so beyond that pale that I would have to seriously consider dumping a significant other who made these kinds of demands.

As absurd as this appears to most of us, you're likely just seeing the tip of the iceberg here. Pray that you don't see what's under the surface.
 
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Theseus don't use this thread to try to bait anyone into a long drawn out battle
I'm not trying to "bait" anyone. When someone gives completely conflicting advice to the same person in two different threads, it's legitimate to point that out.

situations are different here than they were in the Toxic Friend thread for example.
In regard to that thread, fair enough. But once again, the OP's other thread about this very same husband also produced very different responses. It's neither trolling nor "baiting" to point that out. People should be mindful of the advice they give, and not swing wildly to one person's side or the other from personal assumptions that aren't in the OP's description. The OP didn't do anything wrong in her first thread, and she didn't do anything wrong here either.
 

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Wow!!! Kathy, you have REALLY changed your mind since jmcast's other thread back in February where you said, quote: "Sorry, but I am on your husband's side on this."

Any regrets for that? Why the 180 degree change?
I don't believe I have changed my views at all. I said in both posts that it's not jm's responsibility to cope with his feelings. I also said here that his views were unacceptable UNLESS she had wronged him, and even then some were still unacceptable.

I don't keep track of threads, so I didn't make a connection between the two posts as you did (brilliantly, I might add!) In this post, jm says she is faithful and devoted (no reason for him to worry). Bringing that other information in makes me say, "Ok, so he has reason to feel some mistrust. I'd think his snooping is reasonable, and his request that she stay away from interactions with other men when he's not present. However, I'd still say that he's over-reacting (IF that's really the impetus) if she's done nothing more serious than that in all the months since, and the thing with mother and dropping a drink to a gal pal are signs that it's not just about that one indiscretion.
 

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I don't believe I have changed my views at all. I said in both posts that it's not jm's responsibility to cope with his feelings. I also said here that his views were unacceptable UNLESS she had wronged him, and even then some were still unacceptable.

I don't keep track of threads, so I didn't make a connection between the two posts as you did (brilliantly, I might add!) In this post, jm says she is faithful and devoted (no reason for him to worry). Bringing that other information in makes me say, "Ok, so he has reason to feel some mistrust. I'd think his snooping is reasonable, and his request that she stay away from interactions with other men when he's not present.
I strongly disagree.

Not trying to pick on you for this (because you certainly weren't the only one), but in one thread you so strongly sided with the husband (even saying: "Sorry, but you're guy's not insecure. He's smart."), yet in this one you painted him as an abuser.

I wish I had responded in that other thread, because I would have had a very different take on it. I think the husband was greatly overreacting in the other thread, and he's dangerously overreacting now. Staying away from a friends house if there happens to be a man there is beyond ridiculous. Eventually she will be restricted to only going to all-women's schools or shopping centers like in Saudi Arabia or Iran. Or subject to floggings if she happens to get in a taxi with a man or show her ankles in public.

However, I'd still say that he's over-reacting (IF that's really the impetus) if she's done nothing more serious than that in all the months since, and the thing with mother and dropping a drink to a gal pal are signs that it's not just about that one indiscretion.
Not sure if I understand you here. Are you saying it was an "indiscretion" for her to meet her mother in a bar, or dropping off a drink at her friends house?
 

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Your mom is absolutely correct, this man is trying to isolate and control you. I imagine he was very charming at first, these types are. The relationship probably went quickly and you thought he seemed to be displaying acts of kindness and that he cared but basically he is terribly insecure and nothing you do or say will change this. This is so much a part of him that he cannot even see it, he thinks what he is doing is normal.

This does not improve. In an attempt to show him that you are trustworthy (which you should not even have to prove) you will go to great lengths to please him and meet his list of expectations of your behavior. When he finally feels like he has you and is comfortable the control gets out of control, you find yourself completely isolated and very alone. And you didn't even see it coming. It doesn't stop there, oh no! You displease him or he feels there is reason to question your whereabouts, what you have said and he gets upset, makes false accusations towards you and your intent, says you cannot be trusted, belittles you and tells you that your priorities are messed up. He starts degrading you, making comments that you have gained weight. Tells you you should be lucky to have him because most men wouldn't do what he does for you. If you try to leave he becomes even more obsessed with you, makes threats, begs you to stay. This might even get physical. he might start stalking you and leaving threatening messages for you. All because he loves you in his mind and all because he cannot bear the thought of you with another man.

I have been thru it all, been stalked by the old boyfriend I am describing here. He threatened to burn down my house if I dated someone else. He tried to run my off the road at a high rate of speed. I broke into my house and tried to rape me which I successfully fought off. These relationships can get really ugly. My advise to you is do not discount your gut feelings that something is wrong here. Trust that you do not need him. Believe he cannot change or understand. Protect yourself and get out of this relationship ASAP!
 

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From someone who supposedly gave "contradictory" advice on two different threads recently, I'll have to defend Kathy here. With 20-20 hindsight, those two threads are almost identical. But taken in isolation, thread #1 says "my husband is controlling because I like to troll meat markets and communicate with old boyfriends behind his back". In this one she says "my husband is controlling because of all of this controlling behavior". She just learned how to word her thread differently here so she wouldn't get hammered like in her original thread. She wants to hear what she wants to hear. And will keep trying until she does.

OP. You and hubby need to learn some communication tools.
 
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