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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi all, this is my first post on the first night I joined this site. I've read through several threads & everyone seems to be sincere in the advice they give, and I could certainly use some advice.

I'll start with the biggest problem right now. My husband wants to be my submissive. He swears I am dominant and that I MUST have a sadistic streak in me somewhere. I don't. I never have. I can be manipulative, just like any woman can, but never, ever do I want to cause physical pain.

Well, I have tried my best to be what he needs. We have toys, some used, some not, and I've made it clear I don't get off on it, but I'll do it for him because he likes it. I've also made it clear I can't imagine liking it, but I also understand different people like different things. The 'scenes' have been few & far between, we barely have sex at all, but it's been a couple of years now & I have never gotten comfortable with it.

Last August we moved to the area we're in now & have gotten into the local scene. I've been to three munches so far (not a huge deal since they're always casual) and been invited to two parties that we haven't attended. He says he's patient and he can wait for me to become comfortable, which I appreciate.

The problem is, I don't think I'll ever be comfortable with it. After two years, I don't think there's much else I can do. We've had arguments, outright fights, about all this. He was in a relationship in his twenties with a domme who was abusive, but now at 41 he's rediscovered what he loved about it. Had he been open about it before we got married, we might not have gotten married. It's been really strained lately because he's made it clear that he's finally found people who accept him & he's not ashamed anymore & he can't go back to the way he was (vanilla).

What I hear is, I'm doing it, with or without you. He's usually very sweet about it, but when I get upset, he gets upset, and then the unedited thoughts are revealed. A lot of the time I want to tell him to just go on, find someone else to beat him, find someone else to "fornicate with" (I usually use the f word) while I take care of his children. We have 3, btw.

On top of this, I'm 41, perimenopausal, depressed and about 40 pounds overweight. I was a pretty young woman (wish I had known it at the time) but now I feel really ugly and I certainly don't want to get naked. Sometimes it fills me with anxiety just to take a bath.

Before anyone says it, I would love to get counseling, but we don't have insurance. My husband just got out of the Army last October and the CHAMPUS is too expensive. I'm going to college now because I'm also a veteran & I get paid to go, but I don't like it & I never wanted to, which is why I never did. He's working at Walmart at the moment, which pays like crap. So yes, there are definitely other stressors in our lives, but this BDSM stuff is just always on my mind now, & not in a good way. I'm not opposed to anyone having sex any way they want, but I know what I like & what I don't.

I just can't convince my husband that I don't, because I'm sure he can't even fathom anyone NOT liking kink, just like I can't fathom why someone would like pain or like hurting others, but I DO understand that they do and that I will probably NEVER understand the why's. I feel like I'm being judged because I'm not kinky. I was never opposed to it really, I would like to play sometimes, but not when I'm being pressured. Even when he's not actually pressuring me, I guess I'm pressuring me because it's just always there in the background.

I don't even know if I have a specific question to ask here, I just know I'm so resentful and it doesn't seem to matter how much we talk about it. By the end of the discussion it's more like, I'm just tired of talking about this now because nothing's getting accomplished, so let's just stop talking right now.

I dunno, any insight would be welcome.:scratchhead: Thanks to anyone who takes the time to respond.
 

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Dont shut down communication. Even when it goes bad. As frustrated and annoyed as you are with his kink, he is just as frustrated and annoyed with your lack of participation.

It won't be easy. It may not even be salvageable. But you wont know if you shut down when the topic comes up.

One more thing, if you keep telling a man to go find somebody else to "fornicate" with...eventually he will.
 

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I'm sorry, Bobo, you are up against a lot. It sounds like your energy could be better spent working on yourself and gaining back your self.esteem. 40 pounds doesn't change who you are, it might not change how your husband sees you, but it makes me sad for you that even getting in a bathtub alone fills you with dread.

That is great for your husband that he is comfortable with who he is sexually. However this is not a good fit for you - especially right now with your other stresses and how you feel about yourself.

It doesn't seem fair that he is expecting you to be this right now. Maybe ever. I can see indulging a partner every now and again - but if you are not naturally dominate I don't see how you could make it a full time thing for him.
 

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ok, im going to chime in with my experiences, coming from the same place your at...

my wife wanted me to be her Dom for years... for the longest time, i tried to accommodate her, but like you, it was never my thing. eventually, i realized that it was something she NEEDED. it was something she needed in order to FEEL loved. so, if i did it for her, then she felt loved. so, with that in mind, i had to find ways for me to be ok with it.

so, i started focusing on how it made her feel. i started to really get excited that i could fulfill my wife in ways that most people cant even dream about. i mean, everyone has some deep fantasy, something that turns them on like nothing else... if just so happened that my wife was able to tell me hers. so, i did it for her. it didnt take long before it didnt bother me anymore. dont get me wrong, i slogged through it, feeling uncomfortable for years, but it was only when i looked at it as a way i can make her feel loved that i could really get into it.

now, i dont think it would have worked if she werent fulfilling my needs. i NEED to be wanted, sexually, in order to feel loved. she needed to be turned on by sex in order to have sex with me with any sort of frequency. so, the only way for her to be able to have sex with me without building resentment was to let me fulfill those dark fantasies.

its... insane. we have sex pretty much every night now, and its amazing. i basically just started delighting in how happy i could make her, and how much i could turn her on.

that brings me to you... is there a need of yours that your husband isnt fulfilling? i know that for me, when my wife didnt want to have sex with me, i couldnt get passed the awkwardness and uncomfortable feelings. it was only when she started making an effort to tell me she loved me(in the way i feel loved) that i was able to stop feeling awkward and get excited about how happy it made her.

you NEED to feel loved in order to be ok making HIM feel loved. so, my advice is this....


tell your husband your greatest fantasy. if its something that is hard for him to do, tell him he will need to act. and when he does, let him know how much you love it. so, if you tell him the hottest thing you can think of tonight, and he makes his best effort to fulfill your fantasy, then return the favor for him tommorrow night. hell, you may even be able to do it in the same night...

by doing this, you will feel less resentment, because you will see that he is fulfilling your needs. it will feel less one-sided. if your husband isnt willing to turn you on and "do it for you", then you should stop doing it for him. just be sure to tell him why, and when you will be willing to be his Domme again. if he needs this like my wife does, he will do whatever he can for you.

now, there are subs out there that are TOLD to play the part of the Dom/Domme on occasion... and they are subject to punishments(ones they wont like) if they dont do a good enough job. this may be something to think about...

D/s relationships come in all shapes and forms. if your husband refuses to let it go, maybe all you have to do is modify it to fit your specific needs.

personally, i dont think your situation is hopeless. you just have to find a way to not feel resentment. what can he do to make you more comfortable with the fact that you do this for him on occasion? as you said, the scenes are few and far between... what could he be doing for you in the mean time, between scenes?
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Thank you, everyone, for the advice and insight. I actually think I'm more preoccupied w/the whole thing than he is at the moment. He says he's willing to accept whatever level of participation I'm comfortable with & I usually believe him. There are times when I seem to go a little crazy. I've just started taking several supplements to help regulate my insane mood swings.

I guess the problem is much more of a problem to me than to him. His biggest problem is probably me acting crazy. I'm sure things will get better. He has new friends now and I'm so antisocial most of the time because of my self-esteem. He's the only friend I have, which is sad for me, and I just feel so alone. It's the reason I sought out a message board like this one.

Wish I could afford a therapist, but maybe this site will help me work some stuff out.
 

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I do not think it was good of him to keep this from you but it is what it is.

The relationship is either worth making a compromise where you each get some of what you want or it is not but I doubt that you will be able to change his nature.
 

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You are amongst the vast majority of women who would find this totally unappealing.

Does he want to be a swinger? That would be a deal breaker for most married people.

Can he have normal sex with you? Does that happen on any regular basis?

You need to learn to feel proud of yourself, your military career, your kids, the fact that you are in school and working on a goal, these are all things to feel good about.

You are still young, 41 is nothing now days, you can work on your diet and exercise and that will also help.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
I do not think it was good of him to keep this from you but it is what it is.

The relationship is either worth making a compromise where you each get some of what you want or it is not but I doubt that you will be able to change his nature.
I agree, I could never change him. I learned very young that you can't change anybody, they can only change themselves. I feel like he's trying to change me. He's told me he just knows I'm dominant, I just can't see it. He's tried to change other aspects of my personality, too.

I'm not an ambitious person, I was totally great w/being a SAHM, but he thinks I should have a career & go to college & all that. College is not for everyone. I never wanted a career. He says he's trying to help me, but I feel like he's just trying to make me what he wants me to be, not what I want to be. When I wanted to get out of the Army, he said some very rude & mean things to me, but I did it. When he wanted to get out of the Army he told me he understood why I wanted out then, & I was supportive even though it meant a huge decrease in income.

Now, I know relying on one income during these times is pretty ridiculous unless you're just rich. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to just be the mom. I'm not against women w/careers, but that's just not me.

There's been so much that's happened in the past 12 years and I have a hard time "forgiving & forgetting". I realize that's my own problem & something I need to work on, but things have been said & done that can't be undone.

It's so complicated & so many different things are wrong, but I'm getting great advice here. Thank you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
You are amongst the vast majority of women who would find this totally unappealing.

Does he want to be a swinger? That would be a deal breaker for most married people.

Can he have normal sex with you? Does that happen on any regular basis?

You need to learn to feel proud of yourself, your military career, your kids, the fact that you are in school and working on a goal, these are all things to feel good about.

You are still young, 41 is nothing now days, you can work on your diet and exercise and that will also help.
He has expressed interest in bringing someone else into the bedroom, but I have since shut that down completely. He was very understanding about it, but I think he still hopes I will "come around" once I "get into it".

He doesn't want to swing unless it's something I want, which I don't. He says he's bisexual & he would be fine if it was another man we played with, too. Still a big N-O from me. He's told me all these things he wants & likes & I feel like I'll just never be enough for him even though he's never given me a reason to distrust him.

Well, recently he has started talking to an old friend, a female. We were sort of friends in high school & I didn't realize they had been such good friends in junior high. She's into the kind of kink he likes & they've "played" over text messages & talking on the phone. When they first started, for about 3 days he was moping around and acting weird. I wasn't stupid, I knew exactly what was going on, I just waited for him to fess up. He did, he cried to me about it & we talked about it. I know they're friends & I would never deny him a friend, but I told him not to keep anything from me. He shared all the pics he had taken for her, let me read the texts, & I know it helps him to have someone to talk to.

Just a week ago I found all his text messages deleted from his phone. ALL of them. I confronted him & we had a hell of a fight, but he promised not to do it anymore. I don't regularly snoop, but I just wanted to see what had been happening lately since I hadn't heard him talk about her in a while. He was wearing his collar at the time, which to him, made me his domme, & what we had previously agreed on.

We do have vanilla sex, but not very often. There's hardly any sex at all. Neither of us are ready to give up, I know I need a lot of work myself, also.
 

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I could not do what you are doing, bobo. I just could not. If my dh ever came to me and wanted me to be his domme, and wanted to wear a collar, and wanted to bring someone else into our sex life . . . I would just be done. And I say that as a mother of five children, all with him. We would just be done.

My love has limits, I guess. I believe dh loves me unconditionally, or as unconditionally as human love gets, but I can tell you my love is not unconditional. I am so not a domme.

You are different from me, though. This is all apparently not a deal breaker for you. It is great that you are going to start counseling. Excellent. In every way. Very best of luck.
 
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"I would never deny him a friend". Well you should. If you don't put your foot down now by telling him you won't be tolerating him having dirty dealings with Miss Kinky then trouble is ahead.

Read up on setting boundaries in a relationship, I think your self esteem is so low that you aren't going to set proper boundaries with him, and he's having this woman as his cyber lover right under your nose.

You deserve better. His compulsions are wants, not needs.
 

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Would you consider agreeing to him getting his kink met by a paid sex worker, and only for the beatings/whatever and not the sex part? There are a lot of great sex workers who can help a person get this type of need met without actually opening up the marriage to others.

It seems like you are ok with him having the need but you just know you can't meet it...which is true for guys who have wives who need it sometimes, too. Some guys just can't be into it. As'lan did get into it, it sounds like, but many don't want to and I don't think they should if they really aren't into it.

It seems like you've done a good job at trying to meet his kink. Does he get you off too, are you into him, is the sex itself good?
 

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I agree with the posters who suggest that you focus on repairing your self esteem and ability to set boundaries. It sounds like you have a hard time standing up for yourself, and it sounds like your husband exploits that.

The sort of sexual relationship your husband wants (dom/sub) requires emotional trust; and I don't think you have that for him. He hasn't earned it, in my opinion. So for him to expect you to be able to "just do this" to meet his need is unreasonable. If you can't lovingly and without resentment be his domme, or at least play his domme, then you shouldn't do it. If you want to be able to do it in order to satisfy his kink, then first work on repairing your self esteem and the mutual respect in your relationship.
 

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Well, recently he has started talking to an old friend, a female. We were sort of friends in high school & I didn't realize they had been such good friends in junior high. She's into the kind of kink he likes & they've "played" over text messages & talking on the phone. When they first started, for about 3 days he was moping around and acting weird. I wasn't stupid, I knew exactly what was going on, I just waited for him to fess up. He did, he cried to me about it & we talked about it. I know they're friends & I would never deny him a friend, but I told him not to keep anything from me. He shared all the pics he had taken for her, let me read the texts, & I know it helps him to have someone to talk to.Just a week ago I found all his text messages deleted from his phone. ALL of them. I confronted him & we had a hell of a fight, but he promised not to do it anymore. I don't regularly snoop, but I just wanted to see what had been happening lately since I hadn't heard him talk about her in a while. He was wearing his collar at the time, which to him, made me his domme, & what we had previously agreed on.
He started an affair - an EA at the very least. You suspected it, and he finally confessed. But then you let him continue talking to his affair partner. Essentially, you gave him a green light to continue, and escalate, his affair with his "old friend". And I think that's exactly what's happened. I think the affair escalated. He started deleting their texts, and probably pictures as well, because there's stuff in them that even a wife who allows him to sext with another woman would object to.

That you allowed this is a huge problem, IMO, and a sign of serious boundary issues in both of you. That he suddenly stopped talking about her and started deleting texts is a gigantic red flag for a full-on affair.
 

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Wow, I am so sorry for both of you. It sounds like you are both in a tough spot and it's all that much harder when you have children. I think the sexual kinks of your husband should not be your main focus right now. I am not judging anyone and it's absolutely fine whatever two people decide to do. Many very successful men such as judges, doctors, and high level executives enjoy being submissive in their sex as a way to escape responsibility. Unfortunately, far too many of them never discuss it with their wives and end up having their needs met outside of marriage in an affair or with an escort. It's amazing how differently things are viewed in Europe than the United States.

You definitely need to find a therapist and can not "afford" to be without one. Seriously, your husband is your only friend and you are deciding if you can stay in a sexual relationship with him - yes, you need a therapist.

Find out where the largest branch of the local municipal library is located. If you are in a small town they will likely be County libraries. If you are in a city than they should be city libraries. Once you have the largest branch, call them and ask to speak to the head reference librarian. Then explain to her that you need to find some resources for low cost or no-cost therapy in your area. Please be sure to tell her you are a veteran. Reference librarians are some of the smartest people in the world and are paid by taxes so they work for the public and will be happy to do a small research project for you. Stop letting your self-limiting beliefs keeping you immobile. You can not move forward and stay where you are at the same time.

There are many places you can get quality counseling, but it's not going to come and knock on your door. If one of your children was sick how hard would you work to make sure it got proper treatment? Get your butt in gear. You don't want to go to school, you don't want to work, you have no friends - does this seem like a pattern to you? You are headed for depression if you have not already gotten there.

Have you considered talking to your family doctor or gynecologist about your problem to see if they thought an antidepressant or anti-anxiety medication would help? I absolutely think pills do not teach skills, but you need something as a stop-gap measure.

I am only speculating and may be very wrong, but I wonder if your low self-esteem does not keep you in a downward spiral where you avoid relationships to avoid rejection and then feel lonely and isolated. This makes you feel even worse about yourself and the whole cycle continues.

If you start taking action, you can start feeling better in about 6-8 weeks with the right combination of medicine and or therapy. If you do nothing --- well you already know what that looks like.

I give you loads of respect for taking care of your kids and attending school with so much emotional upheaval going on in your life. That takes a load of fortitude.

If you hope to take care of your kids or anyone else, in the long run, you must be willing to take care of yourself. Best of luck to both you and your husband going forward. Thank you both very much for the service to your country.
 
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