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Discussion Starter #1
I've lead him on for the past 8 years, when I knew eventually I'd find the courage to leave. Instead of leaving like any normal human being would do, I stayed year after year after year, all when I knew I wanted out. I've stolen his time, his youth, his chance at happiness with someone right for him. All the while, I dragged him through the mud, breaking up with him and coming back, over and over and over again. My youth is gone too. Even still, I don't want to leave. I'm comfortable, I lovd him, and its easier to stay than leave. But the depression and anxiety that comes with me staying is almost unbearable. Ive been dreaming all these years of a different life, a different mate, a different city, different house. My intincts have screamed at me all these years to get out, but it never stuck. Is always come back. And its always the same pattern. He took this weekend off to celebrate my 35 th bday, but I'm thinking I should be moving out instead. I feel so guilty and sad. What have I done? Why does it have to be like this?
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Ive asked my sister if I can move in with her an hour away and commute to work. I don't want to leave him, but clearly I do, right? I do love him. But I shouldn't have these feelings, right?
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Whatever the outcome, you have to talk to him about how you feel. Make at least a start with that today. If nothing else, tell him you are unhappy, if he asks questions then answer those.
 
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Start by making a list of all the good things in your life. Focus on those things. Admit you are depressed and start seeking out ways and resources to help yourself with that.
 

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Obviously your life isn't ll that bad or you would have found it easy to leave long ago.

Obviously you are also not happy.

So maybe the answer is you learning to build on the good that is already there, and build sonething great that you do love. Don't leave, instead life better and happier with what you have.

And the first step maybe you. Take leaving off the table and explore what you don't have that you want. And don't mate it a list of the house, car, furniture you don't have. Because all those things can be had with your current husband if you want them.

First however you need to examine what in you is missing something or wanting sonething different and what that want is.

You must also distinguish wants from needs. You need safety, love , respect. So does your husband. It sounds like you have been holding back on you given the respect to both yourself and your husband. This long term desire you've had for something else has caused you to holdback of letting you respect yourself and your actions, and has kept you from respecting your husband. Often people o thus because the fear that if they respect in this situation, they will betray those other desires and loose them.

It's like if you had wanted a fish dinner and instead got steak. So instead of enjoying the steak, and dressing it with tasty sauce and mushrooms, you decide to spend the entire meal dwelling on the fish.

So second step is to let go and actually give respect to both yourself and your husband. This isn't a switch that you suddenly turn on, but it's a process where you choose to do it, and then each day, each decision you deliberately choose to see the value and good.

Once you stop viewing your past choices and your husband as barriers and chains that are keeping you from this other life, and instead see them as essential parts that are with you on your journey to add those other things into your life, then you can actually begin realizing your desires.

When you respect yourself and your husband, it's tine to begin blending your long term desires into your life and your relationship.
 

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I've lead him on for the past 8 years, when I knew eventually I'd find the courage to leave. Instead of leaving like any normal human being would do, I stayed year after year after year, all when I knew I wanted out. I've stolen his time, his youth, his chance at happiness with someone right for him. All the while, I dragged him through the mud, breaking up with him and coming back, over and over and over again. My youth is gone too. Even still, I don't want to leave. I'm comfortable, I lovd him, and its easier to stay than leave. But the depression and anxiety that comes with me staying is almost unbearable. Ive been dreaming all these years of a different life, a different mate, a different city, different house. My intincts have screamed at me all these years to get out, but it never stuck. Is always come back. And its always the same pattern. He took this weekend off to celebrate my 35 th bday, but I'm thinking I should be moving out instead. I feel so guilty and sad. What have I done? Why does it have to be like this?
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Husband or boyfriend?

8 years? when are you planning to leave or do you just fantasize about it?
 

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He's my boyfriend. Never wanted to marry him. Wanted someone without kids to start my own small family with. He has 3 boys, one of whom gets in my nerves. I wanted someone nicer, better manners, more easygoing, more patience. We don't have much fun together. It's his work and his kids. That's our life. I'm bored. Feel like I want to live My life, not his. Want a partner who is around to just hang out with me, go shopping at trader joes for us, not Walmart for all the junky kid food. Wanted someone whos not allergic to my cats so I can bring them indoors. Feel I'm wasting our time but everytime I move out, I'm unable to fully let go. I'm very weak. Ive been planning an exit strategy for years because I can't afford it on my own. Finally decided I could move with sister an hour away and start a new life in a bigger city. Feel I'm in a dead end job and relationship here, with no friends or social life. I wanted more, more fulfillment. I've read the above responses but haven't fully processed them yet. Thank you for your responses and help.
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He's my boyfriend. Never wanted to marry him. Wanted someone without kids to start my own small family with. He has 3 boys, one of whom gets in my nerves. I wanted someone nicer, better manners, more easygoing, more patience. We don't have much fun together. It's his work and his kids. That's our life. I'm bored. Feel like I want to live My life, not his. Want a partner who is around to just hang out with me, go shopping at trader joes for us, not Walmart for all the junky kid food. Wanted someone whos not allergic to my cats so I can bring them indoors. Feel I'm wasting our time but everytime I move out, I'm unable to fully let go. I'm very weak. Ive been planning an exit strategy for years because I can't afford it on my own. Finally decided I could move with sister an hour away and start a new life in a bigger city. Feel I'm in a dead end job and relationship here, with no friends or social life. I wanted more, more fulfillment. I've read the above responses but haven't fully processed them yet. Thank you for your responses and help.
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An old saying:

"Fear will keep us in our place."

You also need to look deep inside to see what has prevented you from having all of those things you want - better job, friends & a social life.

You blame your boyfriend when in reality it is only you that has held you back.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
Very interesting shaggy, but I don't know if I can stop viewing him as as a barrier to this other life I wanted. The feeling is strong, like deep regret and anxiety about my future if I stay any longer in this relationship.
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Discussion Starter #12
Emerald, my fear has held me back, not him, you're right. And my weight has kept me from going out and being social. Also, the people in this town are not ones I truly want to hang out with, they're not true friends.
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That's exactly right. It's your fear that holds you back, not him.

It sounds like you really do need to move on. I'm getting the feeling you're a convenience for him, too. Someone who helps take care of the kids but takes a back seat to them on a day-to-day basis.

I'd recommend having a convo with him where you tell him all the reasons you don't feel you're compatible. The things you mentioned above are a good starting point. Either he'll step up to the plate and make you a priority or he'll fake it for a couple weeks and it'll return to where it is now and you'll know that it's not that he's simply gotten into a rut but that you're really not compatible.
 

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Emerald, my fear has held me back, not him, you're right. And my weight has kept me from going out and being social. Also, the people in this town are not ones I truly want to hang out with, they're not true friends.
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Well I do hope you find the courage to leave & follow your dreams.
 

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Discussion Starter #16
Today is the day. He asked me to either stay or leave. I don't know if I can pull the plug. I'd also have to give up my dog who really belongs to his son. I keep sitting around indecisive. Maybe we should just go get married. But I don't know of that will stop my horrible thoughts. So much for celebrating.
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It's not as easy as you would think when you get back out there and start dating. Things aren't always better on the other side. It takes a good while to build up substance and trust in a relationship. You are still young at your age, but you will probably get a feeling like you need to hurry and settle down to get married and start a family before too much time passes. I'm 32 and I feel like that as I am starting over. The desire to build that lasting relationship in order to get married can possibly be quite difficult because you may have different priorities than some other single person.

But you may find a prince charming quickly, who knows. But I strongly suggest that you take a good look at the relationship you are in now. As long as your BF is on board, you all should make a commitment to bring spice and success to the relationship. It starts with you. You can choose and learn how to be in love with him by working at it.
 

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At last the ex is free to live his own life at least.

Though $20 says the OP reattaches herself to one his veins (post new penis or three) like she owns him in perpetuum (planB) when she realizes her dreams were just that.
 

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Well done for leaving. You were obviously very unhappy and with this guy out of fear of the unknown.
Take your time to heal from this. Be kind to yourself, be your own best friend. Maybe get some IC.
It sounds like co dependency is an issue here. Read up on it and learn why you allowed yourself to stay in an unhappy relationship for so long. It will help you in future relationships too.
You can get through this. There is so much more to life than an unfulfilling co dependent relationship! This is your chance to experience life!
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