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Guys-every kenyans speaks english because learining at school is in english, not swahili. I told her few times that I dont like when she use swahili, and why she use it while every kenyans knows english. By use swahili with them she blocked me: 1st-I couldnt understand them. 2-I couldnt join the conversation
Why dont I correct her to stop? Because she is a person who likes to talk, she usually talked with someone at shop, market, matatu (bus) but for a few minutes. I wanted to wait when she stops.She never did something like that before.
Why I didnt kiss her or took her hand? Coz she was very busy by talking with them. She didnt looked at me. For the first 15 minutes Ive looked at her many times, then I just took my phone from pocket.
When after 40 minutes she asked are you allright or are you okay, I almost cried (lol)
Ps-she good knew I dont like when she use swahili cause I dont understand even a word, and I cant understand why use it while every kenyans knows english. Ive even asked her a day before if in my party we planned (to meet my with all her friends) she gonna use swahili too. Like she cant understand its uncomfortable
They learn at school everything in eglish, only swahili is in swahili.
If you are saying that they spoke English and she chose to speak to them in Swahili, then it was rude.
In that scenario, it doesn't take much to sort out that she wanted to exclude you from the conversation.
However, you should have called her on her s*** right then and there. Then, she has a chance to apologize for being rude and opportunity to modify her behavior.
However if she pulls this stunt often, especially after being called out on it, it sounds like you are better off without her.
However, that still doesn't mean that you don't need to get some pride in yourself and develop the skills to represent yourself well in such situations as this.
 

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OP, how old are you and your GF? I'm assuming young.

You didn't handle the situation great, definitely over reacted. But something tells me things weren't going great and there were issues between you two before you boarded that bus.
 

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OP handled this very badly, like someone with very little life experience. The GF was ridiculously rude and equally lacked the life experience to know this and the read her BF. Both own some portion of the situation. All that said, I don't know that this is a reason to break up. It could be a good opportunity to clearly discussed boundaries and other aspects of the relationship. @mdetlef568 has you actually ended the relationship with your GF or are you just in a rough spot because of this and trying to work it out?
 

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I think tammers are coming down pretty hard on this guy. His girlfriend didn’t just have a passing conversation with these two guys, she spoke to them for seventy five minutes in a language her boyfriend couldn’t understand. At the very least she’s extremely rude and disrespectful and I wouldn’t have been as polite as the op.
This was a **** test in my opinion and he’s right to be pissed.

I agree with you Andy.

He's too good for her.

However, those who say he has to do a better job standing up for himself like Beyondrepair are correct too.

Those who are trying to equate these two are dead wrong IMO
 

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Comon' guys. He said he was shocked by her behaviour. I don't think he didn't say anything because he was playing victim. He was overchallenged.

I can understand this. Her behaviour was really off. Espescially since those were guys and most likely at least one had interest in her.

She is either naive or she loves the attention of men. I tell you OP this is the type of woman that cheats. If I was with my new boyfriend I wouldn't be ibterested in talking 75 minutes to strange guys.
She obviously felt comfortable with them. Well, she should have given them her number.
She is an attention seeker.
Yes, you yould have toöd her, but it doesn't change what you've seen she's capable of and I think you simpmy made the decision that you don't want to be with such a woman with such low boundaries.

And there is also some sort of emasculation that went on. There were two other guys and ypur girlfriend was adapting to what they clearly wanted. They dominated you and she let them dominate you and you let them dominate you.

At the end, this woman isn't your match. One of the other guys might.

Next time speak up and then later break up with such a woman.

this exactly !!!!!!!!
 

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Discussion Starter · #27 · (Edited)
Ive broke with her straight after we left the train. She started to cried and swear she wont use any onther language anymore and asked me if there was anything else which made me mad or sad. Like she didnt understood the main reason was ignoring me. Again-if she would kiss me, hug me, or take my hand, I wont be angry even. I would just tell her, it was nice to looking on the floor for over one hour and sarcastic thank for blocking me from their conversation.
I started that topic to understand what really happens, if she really could not know she hurts me?Or maybe I made a big deal from small thing? They just talked.. IDK what to say and what to think.
ONCE AGAIN-IVE BEEN SOOOO MUCH SHOCKED THAT I COULDNT BELIEVE IT REALLY HAPPENS.
One more thing-she started talking with them, cause I saw it. And 4-6 times Ive heard word TRAIN when they talked, so probably it was normal conversation, not about se* or flirt.
Soo-what was that? She really only spoke and didnt knew it hurting me?
Was is somekind of **** test?
Was it a small thing and Ive made a big deal from that?
 

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She's social. That's it. At any time you could have talked to her yourself. What's all this with you thinking she must kiss you or be affectionate in public when she's conversing with someone?

Why wouldn't you just try to resume your normal conversation? Or were you not talking to her to begin with?
 

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Discussion Starter · #29 · (Edited)
I couldnt because there was no pause break. The spoke all the time and having good fun. I didnt wanted to bother. If their company was soo good its okay. Seems she doesnt need my. I understand 5 or 15 minutes but over an hour. Also she could do anything to show that we are togerher, like touch me or something. Believe that in Kenya every girl wants you only coz you are white-probably thinking we all are rich. She was jealous and asked once something like, you must feel like a king here, every girl wants you. My respond was: have you ever seen I answered to them by a Hi even? Did I ever talked with them? Did I looked on them? Dont you worry. Im with you and I remember about. Cause seriously once in Nairobi we was going to the shop, and one girl took my hand and said "come with me" lol. I didnt looked at her even, and asked my GF "jesus christ do we really need to use handcuffs to let them know we are together?"
When we going to a train we have been in good moods.Excited even. Who dont like relax on the beach?
 

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Whose idea was it, yours or hers, that you meet her family after 3 months of dating. Dating at 3 months and you calling her your girlfriend? You should be at a friend level. At 3 months you no way know each other even close enough to be introducing to family. So you are on a trip to meet her family and you feel ignored because she is speaking to strangers. I can understand your concern but I am curious whether she was engaging them, or were they engaging her? Did they have something in common.....you mentioned that she was speaking in their language. Could it be that you were feeling jealous that other men were speaking to your friend and perhaps a bit protective of her?
 

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Discussion Starter · #31 · (Edited)
She started to talk to them, not they to her, I saw it. Also its nothing new. She is very social. No I dont feel jealous that she talks with others guys. You see on my 1st post what and how I felt. Problem is I wasnt exist for her in that train.
It was her idea to introduce me to her family. Also many times when someone called to her Ive heard my name.Also guys, Im not a jealous type, seriously. Like Ive said. If she hug me for example, I wouldnt be angry. But for sure I would tell her later that she again blocked possibility of my join to conversation, not for the 1st time.

Soo-what was that? She really only spoke and didnt knew it hurting me?
Was is somekind of **** test?
Was it a small thing and Ive made a big deal from that?
Could she really didnt knew it hurting me?
Anyway she thought I have a pretty fun by watching them speak in language I dont understand?
 

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She started to talk to them, not they to her, I saw it. Also its nothing new. She is very social. No I dont feel jealous that she talks with others guys. You see on my 1st post what and how I felt. Problem is I wasnt exist for her in that train.
You know she's acts the same in social environs whether you are or aren't around right?
 

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Some humans live in their own world, their own reality.
They are self-centered.

This is a natural phenomenon.

Know now, that you two are/were, not compatible.

I understand your hurt, I do.
I have been in your exact shoes, more than once.

You are too needy.

Once you learn to value yourself, and not needing any others acknowledgement, you will be much happier.

Your GF was rude, but I attribute it to her social ineptness, and not to any malice.

If you take her back, I believe she will refrain from leaving you alone, in plain sight.

Hold no grudges, she likely meant no harm, and likely is somewhat clueless, and not having etiquette.

Note: You do stand in you own light, and expect others to constantly acknowledge you.
You need those 'words of affirmation'.

She had no clue about that need of yours.

Umm.
 

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Discussion Starter · #34 ·
She is a person who likes to talk. Guys I really dont understand what happened in that train, We never really argued even, Also she thought that everything is fine. Its fine she talks with language I dont uderstand while they could use english, also its fine she totally ignored me. Im really curious how would it be if trip will take for example 5 hours.
 

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Why dont I kiss her or something? Coz she was VERY VERY into talking, doesnt looked at me even when I seated etc. Wanted to know when she stops and remind herself that Im also here and we going TOGETHER to mombasa. I dont blame only her... Coz seriously Ive started thinking that maybe something is wrong with me, and should visit a psychiatry.
Yes there is something wrong with you: you are immature. You also need to join the 21st Century with the rest of us men. This isn't the 1950s and you don't own your girlfriend . She can talk in whatever language she wants without your permission and you need to just suck it up, OR... learn to speak Swahili.

A self-possessed man doesn't fret about his woman talking to two guys while he is sitting there. So what? What she do that was so wrong? You said yourself it did not look like she was flirting. She wasn't acting coy or seductive with them. Most likely she was just having a friendly conversation with them. Maybe they were from out of town and she was giving them advice as to how to get places or where to go, maybe they were talking politics, maybe the men were telling her about their wives and families. You just don't know.

Getting pouty and mad like a little boy demonstrated your immaturity. You should have calmly and cooly asked her what she was talking about with the other men and then carried the conversation from there. You could have told her you want her to teach you Swahili so you don't get lefty out of conversations. There were many different ways you could have handled it.

And if you cannot handle NOT having 100% attention from a girlfriend 100% of the time, then you don't need to be in any relationship. No one can pay 100% attention to their partner all the time. If you want a meek, submissive, silent woman who doesn't talk to people in public without your permission, then you need to search for a wife in Saudi Arabia or Iraq maybe.

And no, I'm not a male feminist. I am a realist who understands that the old chauvinistic attitudes just don't work anymore. If you want a relationship with a woman nowadays, you have to accept the fact that women don't really NEED men anymore for financial support or protection like they did 100 years ago.


I'll grant you, 75 minutes of talking without including you was a rude, but not rude enough for you to break up with her.
 

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How can you assume that she did not explain, in Swahili, your relationship (with her), to these two fellow passengers?

I am sure they asked, and I bet she did.
 
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Discussion Starter · #38 · (Edited)
Hold no grudges, she likely meant no harm, and likely is somewhat clueless, and not having etiquette.

Note: You do stand in you own light, and expect others to constantly acknowledge you.
You need those 'words of affirmation'.

She had no clue about that need of yours.

Its possible. Thats why Im asking.Maybe Ive made a big deal from small thing. Maybe they even told her what to show me on the coast. IDK. Im asking. What I know she hurts me very much and I felt totally ignored, like she wanted to hide we know each others. Also I thought we are going together.I havent titled that topic as "my ex is a bad woman"
No its over with her. I dont want back. I told her why. She still use swahili always, and Im not exist while there are other guys. And dont say bullshits I need 100% attention. For 75 minutes she didnt said anything to me, and didnt touched me. While we always walking and sitting holding hands.
Something was not right, but IDK what and why. I dont think they have asked about me or she said am her BF. They didnt looked at me even like I was not there.
I just wanted to know if Im overreacted or not. I dont know, maybe she shamed of me. And dont say its a normal to talk 75 minutes and ignoring a partner.It was never happened before. Why in that train only?
For example she has more male than female friends. There was no day a guy havent call to her, but I wasnt angry or jealous. She asked me on one of our first days if Im a jealous type, coz she has male friends and I have to accept it. Ive said its okay, and I dont have anything against, but she just must remember differences between friend and boyfriend.
I just cant imagine such thing: Girl is coming from africa to me, we going to other city by train, and Im talking with two girls in foreign language totally ignoring her for whole trip :eek:
 

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I think tammers are coming down pretty hard on this guy. His girlfriend didn’t just have a passing conversation with these two guys, she spoke to them for seventy five minutes in a language her boyfriend couldn’t understand. At the very least she’s extremely rude and disrespectful and I wouldn’t have been as polite as the op.
This was a **** test in my opinion and he’s right to be pissed.
I totally agree with Andy on this one. She ignored him in favour of speaking to total strangers for a frikkin 75 minutes in a language he could not understand and then says she "thought" he was busy on his phone!!!! Give me a break. OP on arrival at your destination I would have just gone on without her and left her on her own to make her own way - in short I would have dumped her right there and then. You my friend, will be the one who dodged the bullet. I really don't understand what other Tammers are reading here!?!?
 

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...
Soo-what was that? She really only spoke and didnt knew it hurting me?
Was is somekind of **** test?
Was it a small thing and Ive made a big deal from that?
Could she really didnt knew it hurting me?
Anyway she thought I have a pretty fun by watching them speak in language I dont understand?
My Beloved Hubby has profound hearing loss and he speaks another language (that I do not speak). When I speak, I do make an effort to be aware of including him, such as not having my back to him, speaking a little slower so he can hear and make sense of what I'm saying, etc. BUT I don't always remember or do a perfect job. His daughter (my step-daughter) and I can jump into a conversation and talk so fast he can't even follow it! So if he followed your example, he would leave me every time his daughter and I spoke, claiming I hurt him and it was a **** test. In real life, it has little or nothing to do with HIM--his DD and I are just super excited to see each other and speak with someone who "gets us"!!

And it's the same way when he speaks the other language that I do not. Okay, he served in the Army for years and picked up German. I'm of German heritage but my grandfolks all said "No we are American now--we speak ENGLISH!" So I didn't learn much German--just a phrase here and there. Now, if he runs into a fellow vet who also served in Germany, the two of them might go off into a conversation in German, and do you know what I think? I do not think he is being rude or purposefully ignoring me or hurting me. I think he is having FUN! He's not doing that to test me--he met a buddy and I see him enjoying himself.

In post #19 you wrote:
... Ive been alone in other continent, other country, onther city in a train, and only from her depeneded if Im gonna feel comfortable or not. If am gonna feel bored or not, if Im gonna have anyone to talk or not.
You made your security and comfort and entertainment the responsibility of another person (your girlfriend), and in real life, YOU are personally responsible for all of that. You may be alone in another continent, but you chose to be there. No one forced you. YOU are responsible for your feelings, to entertain yourself, to meet people, and to be independent. It's NOT her job!

So if you do feel lonely, take a walk on the train. Go to the observation deck and enjoy the view. Talk to the server in the snack car. If you feel bored, that is up to YOU to fix, not her. She's not your possession to entertain you, and she can't read your mind.

If you want to join the conversation, why not jump in and say "Hey I'd like to join in, can we switch to English?" If you want her to stop talking, why not speak up for yourself and say "Sweetheart, could I make a request? I'd love to spend some time just the two of us. Could I ask you to wind up this conversation"? Speaking up like that is mature and emotionally healthy. Keeping it all pent up and springing a break up on her when you didn't communicate what you were thinking or feeling is not as mature and not that emotionally healthy.
 
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