[Rowan]

So, I know you've tried talking to him about this. I'm going to suggest you give it one more shot.

Get a copy of the book His Needs, Her Needs by W. Harley, if you don't already have one. It does a nice job of explaining that men and women often have different emotional needs - and that your partner's primary emotional needs are valid even if you don't share them. Read it yourself, but also keep in on hand in case he'd like to read it too at some point. Also, make sure you're meeting his most important emotional needs - for guys, that's usually sex and recreational companionship, followed by admiration, physical attractiveness and domestic support in any order. You'll be in a much better position to get him to listen and be willing to engage with you if you're meeting his needs on a consistent basis. Clean up your side of the street, so that you know you're being a great partner, before you approach him with complaints.

Then, move on to what I would suggest be your last-ditch effort to get him to engage. Sit him down and tell him - calmly, reasonably, with little emotion beyond a mild positivity - that you have a legitimate emotional need for conversation with your spouse. People can have different needs, but they usually marry the person they've found that meets their primary emotional needs. People fall in love by meeting those needs for one another. When you two dated, he was meeting your need for conversation, and that's part of why you fell in love and wanted to marry him. But after you married, he seemed to become much less interested in meeting that need for you, and it's making it really hard for you to stay in love with him. I would then say, very directly, "This need, for me, is every bit as important as your need for sex is for you. I know that when we don't have sex it's hard for you to feel in love with me and want to meet my needs. Well, when we don't have any conversation, I feel distant from you and it's hard for me to feel in love and want to have sex with you. That you have stopped having conversations with me makes me not want to have sex with you. I'd like to ask you to think about what we can do, as a team, to make our marriage better for both of us. I don't want to do it now, because I want us both to really think about it and discuss this again after that. Let me know when you're ready to talk again about some options for getting us back on track." If his top need isn't sex, obviously change that portion, but do be very direct. You might also suggest he read His Needs, Her Needs, if he's interested, but don't insist or demand that he do.

At that point, give him a quick hug/kiss, and hop up to go do something else. The conversation is over for now. Don't get bogged down in an argument or even an intense discussion at that point. Say your peace and then give him time and space to think over what you've said. But he does need to hear a very direct correlation between the lack of conversation and your lack of willingness to keep meeting his needs: 'When you don't talk to me, I don't want to [meet your top need].'

Be patient. If weeks go by and he hasn't brought it up again, and hasn't increased the level of conversational engagement with you, then I think it's probably safe to say that he's just not interested enough in keeping you happy to make any changes. At that point, you can ask him directly if he's interested in making your marriage better for both of you. If he's not, then you will have to decide if this is a marriage you can live with over the long term, or if you'd be better off on your own to find someone who wants a more reciprocal partnership.