Joined
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31 Posts
Hi,
I'm hoping some of you here can relate and perhaps advise or share your thoughts on what I can do.
Background:
I'm married and been in my relationship for 20 years now. We have 3 children aged 12, 9 and 7. My husband is a very good father and I always want him to be in our children's lives. We both know what it's like to be raised by single parents. He is my first true love and I will always love him although I think now this has to be as a friend rather than in a relationship.
Now:
As a wife I've run out of steam to look after the relationship and have never quite been comfortable to ask for what I want. I find it hard to be vulnerable even though I've come a really long way. I've been here several times already!!
I've had a big issue with my husbands commitment to playing computer, which I don't feel that he or many people I've mentioned this to, really understand. I believe it is an addiction and feel that my husband has been unfaithful to me for most of our years we've been together to be honest.
I go to bed alone most nights, we don't do much together apart from take care of the home and family. We rarely have sex. My libido is embarrassingly high as is my neediness to be taken care of and be shown affection and attention I suppose. When we have gone out or done something different, I've been the one who's arranged it...the revolving story has become so boring I won't bore you with it...if you've been here you know how it goes.
In between looking after the house and our children, the computer is the next stop. He is not lazy in many respects, although at times it feels like simply because the big things in our lives like me working, managing finances and family life decisions usually are for me to look after. This is a massive responsibility.
**Please don't suggested we try counselling or any other form of help to stay in the relationship/marriage.**With all due respect we've been there and back and neither of us are making the effort to make it work. We went for relationship coaching and it helped for a few months...now we're back to the same page as we were. I feel like such an idiot for letting my guard down and agreeing to try again.
Anyway, I got to a point of ending our marriage this year because I had to be honest about the way I felt. I'd run out of options. What's strange is that we spoke more maturely and openly about this once I'd told him how I felt. He made it clear he didn't want to lose us and I eventually agreed to try one more time - with help. I noticed that NOT being in a relationship with him made me feel so much better.
I'd been feeling so obligated to staying in the relationship (been with him since I was 16), that I actually looked forward to just being on my own and looking after myself for a change. Although I wasn't looking after myself. I still had the children to look after. That made it worse to have theirs and my emotions to deal with. I didn't like it all.
So now I'm wondering how to go about dealing with this again. I know a lot of people say it's not good to stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the children. What scares me is having to manage all the arrangements to separate. It's a lot for me to deal with and we've already done this once this year. Also I refuse to let him run away from the responsibility of being here for our children, which I find really shocking that dads (in my experience) seem to be able to do so easily.
I'm not interested in being in another relationship. In fact the only one I need to nurture is the one with myself. I deeply regret not giving myself the chance to do that in my life so far and that really hurts more than anything else. I'm so young and am supposed to have my whole life ahead of me but it feels like it's over already and I haven't really experienced some of the things I wanted to yet....
Sorry I've digressed....so how can I stay as friends with him, raising our children together and nurture myself? Have any of you done this and have things work out? I'm not sure if I'm being unrealistic here or not
I'm hoping some of you here can relate and perhaps advise or share your thoughts on what I can do.
Background:
I'm married and been in my relationship for 20 years now. We have 3 children aged 12, 9 and 7. My husband is a very good father and I always want him to be in our children's lives. We both know what it's like to be raised by single parents. He is my first true love and I will always love him although I think now this has to be as a friend rather than in a relationship.
Now:
As a wife I've run out of steam to look after the relationship and have never quite been comfortable to ask for what I want. I find it hard to be vulnerable even though I've come a really long way. I've been here several times already!!
I've had a big issue with my husbands commitment to playing computer, which I don't feel that he or many people I've mentioned this to, really understand. I believe it is an addiction and feel that my husband has been unfaithful to me for most of our years we've been together to be honest.
I go to bed alone most nights, we don't do much together apart from take care of the home and family. We rarely have sex. My libido is embarrassingly high as is my neediness to be taken care of and be shown affection and attention I suppose. When we have gone out or done something different, I've been the one who's arranged it...the revolving story has become so boring I won't bore you with it...if you've been here you know how it goes.
In between looking after the house and our children, the computer is the next stop. He is not lazy in many respects, although at times it feels like simply because the big things in our lives like me working, managing finances and family life decisions usually are for me to look after. This is a massive responsibility.
**Please don't suggested we try counselling or any other form of help to stay in the relationship/marriage.**With all due respect we've been there and back and neither of us are making the effort to make it work. We went for relationship coaching and it helped for a few months...now we're back to the same page as we were. I feel like such an idiot for letting my guard down and agreeing to try again.
Anyway, I got to a point of ending our marriage this year because I had to be honest about the way I felt. I'd run out of options. What's strange is that we spoke more maturely and openly about this once I'd told him how I felt. He made it clear he didn't want to lose us and I eventually agreed to try one more time - with help. I noticed that NOT being in a relationship with him made me feel so much better.
I'd been feeling so obligated to staying in the relationship (been with him since I was 16), that I actually looked forward to just being on my own and looking after myself for a change. Although I wasn't looking after myself. I still had the children to look after. That made it worse to have theirs and my emotions to deal with. I didn't like it all.
So now I'm wondering how to go about dealing with this again. I know a lot of people say it's not good to stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the children. What scares me is having to manage all the arrangements to separate. It's a lot for me to deal with and we've already done this once this year. Also I refuse to let him run away from the responsibility of being here for our children, which I find really shocking that dads (in my experience) seem to be able to do so easily.
I'm not interested in being in another relationship. In fact the only one I need to nurture is the one with myself. I deeply regret not giving myself the chance to do that in my life so far and that really hurts more than anything else. I'm so young and am supposed to have my whole life ahead of me but it feels like it's over already and I haven't really experienced some of the things I wanted to yet....
Sorry I've digressed....so how can I stay as friends with him, raising our children together and nurture myself? Have any of you done this and have things work out? I'm not sure if I'm being unrealistic here or not