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Discussion Starter · #81 ·
Let me fill you guys in on what just happened. She came into the bedroom and I informed her that I needed to go back out with my daughter tonight because the two stores we went to last night didn't have the size TV she wanted but she found a store that has it so she needed my help again tonight. In the mix of the conversation my wife told me that "you just can't be going anywhere you want to!" Uhhh, excuse me. The last time I checked I was 51 years old. You're my wife not my momma. This is what I deal with on a regular basis. If I want to just get out of the house to get some fresh air then it's a problem. If I want to go to a pet store to look at something for our fish tank then it's a problem because I didn't give her enough notice. Again, I have to inform her with a formal request hours ahead of time filled out in triplicate and submitted. Then I have to wait for the approval. Yes, that's sarcasm but I hope you understand.
 

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Let me fill you guys in on what just happened. She came into the bedroom and I informed her that I needed to go back out with my daughter tonight because the two stores we went to last night didn't have the size TV she wanted but she found a store that has it so she needed my help again tonight. In the mix of the conversation my wife told me that "you just can't be going anywhere you want to!" Uhhh, excuse me. The last time I checked I was 51 years old. You're my wife not my momma. This is what I deal with on a regular basis. If I want to just get out of the house to get some fresh air then it's a problem. If I want to go to a pet store to look at something for our fish tank then it's a problem because I didn't give her enough notice. Again, I have to inform her with a formal request hours ahead of time filled out in triplicate and submitted. Then I have to wait for the approval. Yes, that's sarcasm but I hope you understand.
Aren't you just a little bit embarrassed to be posting this crap? As you said you are 51 years old - you are not 12 and relating what your mean mama said. Ask yourself why she treats you like a child.
 

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Discussion Starter · #83 ·
Aren't you just a little bit embarrassed to be posting this crap? As you said you are 51 years old - you are not 12 and relating what your mean mama said. Ask yourself why she treats you like a child.
It's not as much embarrassing for me as it is for her. She's 50 and thinks that everything I do needs her permission or approval. This is why we but heads so much because I treat her like and adult. I don't need to know where she's going every time she grabs her keys and leaves the house. But if I walk outside then come back in 5 minutes later she's standing there asking where I went.
 

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It's not as much embarrassing for me as it is for her. She's 50 and thinks that everything I do needs her permission or approval. This is why we but heads so much because I treat her like and adult. I don't need to know where she's going every time she grabs her keys and leaves the house. But if I walk outside then come back in 5 minutes later she's standing there asking where I went.
4thwin, all you can really do is do what you want and then put up with or shut down her crap once she starts.
 

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Have you told her when you get back from getting the tv, that you’re gonna tie her down and do all kinds of deviant things to her? Lol
Do you really bite like this and get all jacked out of shape over this?
Is she needing some attention? Give her some. Are you needing time get out of the house? Do it and stop allowing yourself to feel guilty about it. If she’s being unreasonable, you can treat it as unreasonable and ignore it. But if you come back all resentful and worked up, YOU are at fault. Start living like a normal man and acting like a normal man, and ignoring her unreasonable insecurity.

you still haven’t said what you enjoy doing with her.
 

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She's 50 and thinks that everything I do needs her permission or approval. This is why we but heads so much because I treat her like and adult.
My take on it is she has unresolved issues. Would she consider IC? And from what you describe, you ARE OCD about wanting things the way you want them. OTOH she seems to have the emotional intelligence of a child. Either way, it sounds like a pretty lousy dynamic.

Again: Accept it and put up with her or tell her to STFU and just go about your business.
 

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Discussion Starter · #87 ·
Have you told her when you get back from getting the tv, that you’re gonna tie her down and do all kinds of deviant things to her? Lol
Do you really bite like this and get all jacked out of shape over this?
Is she needing some attention? Give her some. Are you needing time get out of the house? Do it and stop allowing yourself to feel guilty about it. If she’s being unreasonable, you can treat it as unreasonable and ignore it. But if you come back all resentful and worked up, YOU are at fault. Start living like a normal man and acting like a normal man, and ignoring her unreasonable insecurity.

you still haven’t said what you enjoy doing with her.
My wife and I look forward to Saturdays because w spend the entire day together. We go out shopping and running errands then we usually find a restaurant to go eat lunch or dinner at. So it's not like we don't do anything together. She doesn't have many / any friends. So pretty much, I'm it that she can talk to. I have hobbies and things I like to do that are outside of her and it bothers her when I start a woodworking project and devote my time to it instead of her.
 

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She doesn't have many / any friends. So pretty much, I'm it that she can talk to. I have hobbies and things I like to do that are outside of her and it bothers her when I start a woodworking project and devote my time to it instead of her.
So your wife is basically emotionally dependent on your for any type of relational sustenance. Why can't or won't she make friends?
 
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Discussion Starter · #89 ·
So your wife is basically emotionally dependent on your for any type of relational sustenance. Why can't or won't she make friends?
Because anytime someone tries to talk to her she thinks they're just trying to get into her business. At our church they know not to ask her to do anything because she's usually going to say no, so they don't even ask anymore. I have a lot of friends at church and anytime I'm asked to do anything I gladly say yes. A few weeks ago I was Jesus in our church's Palm Sunday production. I was joking with my wife after we got home and I told her that they were going to ask her to be in the play next year. You would have thought I said they wanted her to be in the play next Sunday. She got very angry with me saying I volunteered her for that and I shouldn't have. I was just joking and said they were "going to ask" her to be in it next year and she couldn't even handle that.
 

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Let me tell you what will happen with that. My wife will get mad because I'm not home with her. Again, as you say, she's rigid in her routine. And her routine is that after work we eat dinner and sit together and watch TV till time to go to bed. So if I'm now away from home visiting my granddaughter that also interferes with her routine. It's a no win situation for me either way.
Well, things have changed! You now have a new family member - so you tell your wife with a firm voice that YOUR family can come visit any time you say they can!

And if she doesn’t like it - she can go lay down when they visit.
 

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My wife and I look forward to Saturdays because w spend the entire day together. We go out shopping and running errands then we usually find a restaurant to go eat lunch or dinner at. So it's not like we don't do anything together. She doesn't have many / any friends. So pretty much, I'm it that she can talk to. I have hobbies and things I like to do that are outside of her and it bothers her when I start a woodworking project and devote my time to it instead of her.
So you are unable to break routine and go do something fun anytime?
 

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It's not as much embarrassing for me as it is for her. She's 50 and thinks that everything I do needs her permission or approval. This is why we but heads so much because I treat her like and adult. I don't need to know where she's going every time she grabs her keys and leaves the house. But if I walk outside then come back in 5 minutes later she's standing there asking where I went.
Because you have allowed it to be this way!

That’s why she does it. So if you want things to be different - starting changing it.

Stop whining and start changing it. Just leave when you want - no need to tell her anything.

And yes, you’ll get push back. 🤣 ignore it.

If you don’t want to have to get approval from your wife like she’s your Momma - let her know that things are changing moving forward and to stop calling all the shots! There’s two people in the marriage and you will start acting like the adult that you are - a man who doesn’t have to ask her permission for every little thing.

If she doesn’t like it - she can leave.
 

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Because anytime someone tries to talk to her she thinks they're just trying to get into her business.
Your wife sounds like the antithesis of a Christian. The way she behaves is downright nutty. Again: Tell her to put up or shut up. Refuse to tolerate her nonsense. What strikes me as strange is she's paranoid about other people getting into "her business" and yet she's practically up your ass when you so much as walk around the block.
 

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Sarcasm Rob, Sarcasm! No she doesn't have any more rights to this house nor who comes to visit than I do. I just find it strange that my child coming over is a problem but her sons stopping by isn't. It's even gotten to the point to where she hates when she just showed up unannounced. My daughter text me this morning that her and the baby were probably going to come by due to their wifi being out. I didn't not tell the wife. I told her. So if I don't tell her she's coming by she's mad, and even when I do tell her she's coming by she's mad. And I honestly do not believe that her sons are calling or texting to say they're on the way. However, when they show up I never know they're coming so where's the consideration here? I have to let her know when my daughter is coming by so she won't be surprised when she hears a key in the lock and someone coming in. Whereas, she doesn't tell me her boys are coming over. When I hear a key in the lock I automatically assume it's one of the kids. They all still have their keys. I don't call my parents to let them know I want to stop by. I just stop by. We all still have keys to our parent's house again, because they are getting up in age and if anything happens we want to be able to get in to check on them. When my wife moved out of her parent's home they took back their keys. So when we go visit we have to stand outside and knock. I just don't see a problem with them coming by, not even her sons.
When my kids move out they no longer have keys. I have key to elderly parents home but still knock and wait for door to be answered. If no response i will then enter out of concern for safety.

How would you feel if kids come on in and you have wife spread eagle on bar or ottoman in living room? Family once walked in on mom vaccuming in the buff. She said it makes her hot vaccuming. Now we always call first.

When you become an adult and move out, it is about respect and courtesy. You dont just walk in to someones house....it is no longer your house...call first and knock and wait to be invited in.
 

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We're talking almost 20 years of this behavior. Her 1st husband was abusive, a drug addict and an alcoholic and I honestly think she's taking all that out on me.
Or she has a guilty conscience. How is your sex life? Who is she thinking about? You have been together thislong, the misplaced feelings should be over by now. I had told my wife a fee times, "I am not your damned cheating ex husband!!!"
 

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Discussion Starter · #96 ·
Let me give you an update on this past week's events. My wife had a medical procedure last week. Years ago what would keep you int he hospital for 5 to 7 days if not more ended up being now an outpatient procedure. I took the day off to be with her. Stayed at the hospital all day. Brought her home, made sure she was comfortable in the bed. But she's not happy with that. She is now saying she doesn't feel loved. Granted, we're not teenagers who are in the first stages of a relationship nor are we newlyweds in the first year of our marriage. We've been together some nearly 20 years. I'm 51 and she's 50. No that doesn't mean the romance is gone but it has just manifested it self in other areas. She thinks we, more importantly I, need to be doing things to make her feel loved. I can't make her feel loved if she doesn't first love herself. Me giving you 20 hugs a day isn't going to make you feel loved because after a few days of that you're probably going to think I'm only doing it because you want me to and not because I want to. I don't have time to stop and give her multiple hugs during the day. I have a job I must work from 9 am to 6 PM. I can't tell my boss I was away from my desk x number of times a day because I just wanted to go give my wife a hug.

This past Sat I was laying in the bed and she came out of the shower and laid across the bed and started crying. I asked her what was wrong and all she would say is, "you just don't understand." Ok, help me understand, tell me what's wrong. She never would but I came across to her as an uncaring husband. This morning when I came back from getting my coffee and I was preparing my bagel to work she tells me that she just doesn't feel loved. She also said that she thinks she might be gong through a bit of depression. I told her that she should go speak to a therapist about that and of course that set her off. I'm not a therapist nor am I licensed to deal with anyone's depression but she took offense to that. My wife isn't depressed, she's just bored. She has no friends. I'm her only friend. I honestly think that she thought her life would be like a TV commercial where the couple are on a mountain hilltop sitting in matching bath tubs overlooking the scenery. Or we'd always be in a park riding a tandem bike. Or always having picnic lunches around a bunch of other people throwing frisbees around. Welcome to the real world. Nobody does that on the regular. We should always be planning our next vacation or taking road trips in a classic convertible car with the top down.

My wife has no hobbies. I love working with wood and building things. I love hanging with my family. I love spending time with our grandkids. I also love just being alone relaxing and watching tv. I also enjoy being with her . . . but I do not want to be with her 24/7. I need time away from her to appreciate time being with her. My wife told me that sometimes she wants to go out and take a walk but she doesn't want to walk by herself. So if I don't want to walk then she won't go. She gets off at 4 and I don't get off till 6. We both work from home and those 2 hours waiting on me she's bored. I should immediately want to go walk with her the minute I clock out. There's a park 1 mile down the street from our house. At 4 PM there's not really a ton of people down there. She could easily drive down there and have some "me" time. But her "me" time involves ME.

Every sunday I go to my parents house to hang with my other siblings and we'll sit there and talk and laugh at each other. Talk about other things and just reconnect. I've asked my wife numerous times to come with me but she doesn't want to go because she doesn't like anyone laughing at her. The thing is this. We all laugh at each other. If you do funny things then let them be funny things and let everyone enjoy the laugh. She hates when her name comes up because that means she's going be the but of the jokes for a while. But she has no problem laughing at someone else. Case in point: The other week we got in her car and when she sat down she made the statement of "I'm really loving these Goodwill tires on my car. I've never had Goodwill tires before." I looked at her like, "what are you saying?" I said to her, "Goodwill tires" and she said, yes. I looked at her again and said, "don't you mean Goodyear?" We both had a good laugh about it but she would never want me to tell that story at my parent's house. Another time, this past week we were discussing her surgery and she mentioned her "Philippian tubes". Again, I looked at her like WTF are you saying now. She said it again, her Philippian tubes. I then said, "don't you mean your fallopian tubes?" It's little things like this that she does but doesn't want anyone else to know about.

My wife needs friends outside of me. I'm supposed to be her everything and I can't be it. She has to love herself first.
 

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So, you and your siblings are into ridiculing each other. And, your wife isn't. So what? She doesn't have anyone in your household (excuse me, your parents' household) with whom to reconnect - why would she want to go?
 

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So your daughter and granddaughter can stop by mid-work day on a whim to use the wi-fi and you have no problem dropping work to visit with them, but you can’t stop work to give your wife a hug? Totally feeling the loving vibes from you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #100 ·
She's sensing the deep contempt you have for her that SEVERAL posters picked up on just from your posts here.
If it's contempt she's picking up on it's because I'm tired of being her EVERYTHING! She relies on me for her happiness. She needs friends and interests outside of this marriage.
 
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