Talk About Marriage banner

61 - 80 of 95 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
84 Posts
Discussion Starter #62
I'll try one more time, because it sounds like you still don't get it. Just because YOU were raised a certain way, doesn't mean your way is the right way. Your wife came from a completely different family dynamic. Okay, so to you it's disrespectful that you need to stand outside her parents house and knock in order to gain entrance. Fine, It's disrespectful to YOU. Seriously, you come across as very judgmental.
So it's judgmental for me to have my thoughts that differ from hers and also judgmental that I do not want to give up my thoughts and beliefs for hers?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
84 Posts
Discussion Starter #63
I personally don't think its disrespectful to have to knock at the door if you visit your parents, everyone has a different way of doing things. I myself, when I know Mum's home will knock, I don't feel right just walking in, but Mum wouldn't care if I did. If I knew she was home and couldn't get a response I'd go in, to make sure she's ok.

There was one time I couldn't raise her, but I knew she was ok because I could hear her talking to the dog lol, so I went in but called out that it was only me. She said given the fact that the dog was doing zoomies up and down the hallway with her tail going a hundred miles an hour, she figured it was either me or one of my brothers 😂
We all were raised differently but one way is no better than the other. It's just a difference. Yes, I think it's disrespectful to have to knock at your parent's house but that doesn't make me wrong. It just makes my views on things different. Same as yours. I don't think you're wrong for thinking it's not disrespectful to knock when you go visit your parents, even though you have a key, it just makes you different.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,792 Posts
The point is that you and she do things differently and neither of you has any interest in changing. You either live with it or you move on.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
84 Posts
Discussion Starter #65
It seems I got criticized for creating a new post about my wife so let me post this here about what she did yesterday.

We both work from home so from the time we wake up until at least the time we get off work we're sitting here in the house. Me in the bedroom at my desk and her in the kitchen at the table. My wife has always had this thing where if I go anywhere without her then it's suspicious in her eyes. Or, if I tell her I need to run an errand then I either get 20 questions or she gets upset saying "why didn't you tell me you needed to run an errand?" I guess I had to ease her into the fact that I have somewhere to go. I should have started early that morning hinting that I may go out after work. Anytime I'm not there with her where she can see me then her mind starts racing and thinking things. Given the pandemic and working from home I don't have the luxury of driving home from work, listening to the radio and just getting some fresh air. Every now and then I just want to get out of the house. My wife would rather just stay home with the blinds closed and door locked. But when I do it there's something up.

Well, my daughter text me yesterday asking what I had planned to do after work. I told her nothing. She said that her and her roommate were going to buy a TV and it was too large for her car so she wanted me to meet them at the store with my large SUV and take the TV home for them. I saw nothing wrong with that. Plus, I had to run out anyway myself. We have an old fish tank sitting in our living room that my wife has been complaining about for some time. She wanted to just throw it away but I kept telling her I was going to reset it back up for the grandkids to enjoy when they come over. This past week I finally started that project but I needed something from PetSmart so I was gonna run out after work. Again, when I told my wife I needed to run a few errands she seemed to get upset by that. Any time away from her means I'm enjoying something else without her. YES, I've asked her to ride with me when I run errands just to get out of the house but most of the time she refuses. I've even told her that when she gets off work to just go get in her car and drive around. Get away from the house and your workstation. Nothing relaxes me more than just driving and getting some fresh air. She was not happy with the fact that I left her last night to go do something with/for my daughter and her roommate. Plus, I got to see my new granddaughter for a few hours which is always a plus. Monday after I got off work she got annoyed with me because I ran to the store to get a few things to finish off dinner. I don not want to stay cooped up in the house like she does.

And this I completely didn't understand about my wife. For the past 7 or 8 years I've driven an SUV with leather interior. The first one I had probably 5 years and I have always kept a few hand towels folded up on top of my arm console as to not damage the leather with my elbow. When that SUV was totaled in a wreck I got a much larger one, again with leather interior. And again I have had a couple of hand towels folded up on my arm console. Again, for years I'd change out the towels every week to just wash them and put fresh towels in the truck. Yesterday, while on a break from my job I grabbed a few fresh towels, walked outside, and swapped them out with the ones which had been in there for the past week. 2 minutes later when I walked back in the house my wife literally asked me why was I putting towels in my truck? Again people, I've been doing this for at least7 or 8 years and my wife knows this. Last night when I got home from running around with my daughter my wife wasn't speaking to me because she was upset that I left in the first place. When I turned off the TV and rolled over to go to sleep my wife asked my again, "why do you have those towels in your truck?" I don't know if this is early Alzheimer's, she was just playing dumb, or was she just looking to pick another fight. It's like everything I do that doesn't involve her directly annoys her. Or I have to constantly remind her why I do things. Even things like going out on the front porch to get some air raises questions with her.

She's still battling that toothache and is scheduled for a root canal tomorrow so in her mind I'm not showing her enough attention about it. She wants me to sit on the sofa next to her so she can lay her head on my shoulder or when we get in the bed she wants to rest on my shoulder until we fall asleep. Do you know how annoying that is when you're sitting down and can't move because someone wants to use you as a pillow. If I move to grab the remote or a drink off my nightstand and she wakes up then she's annoyed. If I'm playing on my phone then the light from the phone is shining right in her face and she can't sleep so she's pissed by that.

These are the things I deal with on a daily basis.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
84 Posts
Discussion Starter #66
The point is that you and she do things differently and neither of you has any interest in changing. You either live with it or you move on.
I do not have a problem accepting the way she does things. That doesn't mean I can't question them though. I don't want her to change everything for me but I'm also not going to change everything just for her.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,669 Posts
Sounds like your wife is paranoid that you’re going to step out on her. Was she betrayed in last relationship?

I know that opposites attract but this may be to much.

Just to make sure, you don’t have those towels in the suv for cleaning up after some hanky panky? :unsure:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
84 Posts
Discussion Starter #68
Sounds like your wife is paranoid that you’re going to step out on her. Was she betrayed in last relationship?

I know that opposites attract but this may be to much.

Just to make sure, you don’t have those towels in the suv for cleaning up after some hanky panky? :unsure:
It's the little things that she looks at and makes them into bigger things. I also keep a bottle of lotion in my truck in the center console as well as in my bookbag I carry to work. Anytime I come home smelling like lotion that's a red flag to her. Yes, I tend to get dry hands and arms from time to time so I like to stay moisturized. But to my wife. . . . towels and lotion can only mean one thing for a guy.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,669 Posts
It's the little things that she looks at and makes them into bigger things. I also keep a bottle of lotion in my truck in the center console as well as in my bookbag I carry to work. Anytime I come home smelling like lotion that's a red flag to her. Yes, I tend to get dry hands and arms from time to time so I like to stay moisturized. But to my wife. . . . towels and lotion can only mean one thing for a guy.
If you want to salvage the marriage, you have to work on making her feel secure. I know it’s easier said than done with her negative attitude but something is causing her to be worried that you’re going to run off on her.

I certainly would not allow her to prevent me from being their for my daughter with my 1 month old grandchild. She should be very happy for you and the site of you being excited to spend time with your grandchild should make her feel proud that she has a good man but she acting like a crab in a bucket trying to prevent another from escaping.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
939 Posts
It seems I got criticized for creating a new post about my wife so let me post this here about what she did yesterday.

We both work from home so from the time we wake up until at least the time we get off work we're sitting here in the house. Me in the bedroom at my desk and her in the kitchen at the table. My wife has always had this thing where if I go anywhere without her then it's suspicious in her eyes. Or, if I tell her I need to run an errand then I either get 20 questions or she gets upset saying "why didn't you tell me you needed to run an errand?" I guess I had to ease her into the fact that I have somewhere to go. I should have started early that morning hinting that I may go out after work. Anytime I'm not there with her where she can see me then her mind starts racing and thinking things. Given the pandemic and working from home I don't have the luxury of driving home from work, listening to the radio and just getting some fresh air. Every now and then I just want to get out of the house. My wife would rather just stay home with the blinds closed and door locked. But when I do it there's something up.

Well, my daughter text me yesterday asking what I had planned to do after work. I told her nothing. She said that her and her roommate were going to buy a TV and it was too large for her car so she wanted me to meet them at the store with my large SUV and take the TV home for them. I saw nothing wrong with that. Plus, I had to run out anyway myself. We have an old fish tank sitting in our living room that my wife has been complaining about for some time. She wanted to just throw it away but I kept telling her I was going to reset it back up for the grandkids to enjoy when they come over. This past week I finally started that project but I needed something from PetSmart so I was gonna run out after work. Again, when I told my wife I needed to run a few errands she seemed to get upset by that. Any time away from her means I'm enjoying something else without her. YES, I've asked her to ride with me when I run errands just to get out of the house but most of the time she refuses. I've even told her that when she gets off work to just go get in her car and drive around. Get away from the house and your workstation. Nothing relaxes me more than just driving and getting some fresh air. She was not happy with the fact that I left her last night to go do something with/for my daughter and her roommate. Plus, I got to see my new granddaughter for a few hours which is always a plus. Monday after I got off work she got annoyed with me because I ran to the store to get a few things to finish off dinner. I don not want to stay cooped up in the house like she does.

And this I completely didn't understand about my wife. For the past 7 or 8 years I've driven an SUV with leather interior. The first one I had probably 5 years and I have always kept a few hand towels folded up on top of my arm console as to not damage the leather with my elbow. When that SUV was totaled in a wreck I got a much larger one, again with leather interior. And again I have had a couple of hand towels folded up on my arm console. Again, for years I'd change out the towels every week to just wash them and put fresh towels in the truck. Yesterday, while on a break from my job I grabbed a few fresh towels, walked outside, and swapped them out with the ones which had been in there for the past week. 2 minutes later when I walked back in the house my wife literally asked me why was I putting towels in my truck? Again people, I've been doing this for at least7 or 8 years and my wife knows this. Last night when I got home from running around with my daughter my wife wasn't speaking to me because she was upset that I left in the first place. When I turned off the TV and rolled over to go to sleep my wife asked my again, "why do you have those towels in your truck?" I don't know if this is early Alzheimer's, she was just playing dumb, or was she just looking to pick another fight. It's like everything I do that doesn't involve her directly annoys her. Or I have to constantly remind her why I do things. Even things like going out on the front porch to get some air raises questions with her.

She's still battling that toothache and is scheduled for a root canal tomorrow so in her mind I'm not showing her enough attention about it. She wants me to sit on the sofa next to her so she can lay her head on my shoulder or when we get in the bed she wants to rest on my shoulder until we fall asleep. Do you know how annoying that is when you're sitting down and can't move because someone wants to use you as a pillow. If I move to grab the remote or a drink off my nightstand and she wakes up then she's annoyed. If I'm playing on my phone then the light from the phone is shining right in her face and she can't sleep so she's pissed by that.

These are the things I deal with on a daily basis.
I don't know how you do it.

The paranoia and forgetfulness could be an early sign of dementia. Dos she have mood swings?

Your wife seems extremely controlling. I can't live with someone like that. It's unhealthy, it's alienating, it's boring. You should be able to do things outside your marriage, have hobbies, go to stores without asking permission. She should be able to be ok about it. There's something wrong with this behavior.

I was raised in a home where I can come and go whenever I want. My parents live in another continent! Every time I go visit they ask "where's your key?" If I ring the doorbell. My husband can come and go, I just need him to let me know he's out so I don't worry about him.

I'm guessing trips by yourself are out of the question then?

There's no way I can live like that. But you are choosing to stay so.... What do you want from us? You need to change if you want a different life. It's your choice.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,792 Posts
I do not have a problem accepting the way she does things. That doesn't mean I can't question them though. I don't want her to change everything for me but I'm also not going to change everything just for her.
You obviously can “question” why she does what she does but it might be more productive to have a long talk with her. If you’ve already done that, repeat it. And keep repeating it. My guess is she already knows how you feel about what she does and she doesn’t care. This is just who she is and since you want to stay …
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
84 Posts
Discussion Starter #72
If you want to salvage the marriage, you have to work on making her feel secure. I know it’s easier said than done with her negative attitude but something is causing her to be worried that you’re going to run off on her.

I certainly would not allow her to prevent me from being their for my daughter with my 1 month old grandchild. She should be very happy for you and the site of you being excited to spend time with your grandchild should make her feel proud that she has a good man but she acting like a crab in a bucket trying to prevent another from escaping.
We're talking almost 20 years of this behavior. Her 1st husband was abusive, a drug addict and an alcoholic and I honestly think she's taking all that out on me.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,792 Posts
Almost 20 years of this? Yes, she very likely has major issues from her first marriage and the odds that she’s going to stop are basically zero.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,355 Posts
It seems I got criticized for creating a new post about my wife so let me post this here about what she did yesterday.

We both work from home so from the time we wake up until at least the time we get off work we're sitting here in the house. Me in the bedroom at my desk and her in the kitchen at the table. My wife has always had this thing where if I go anywhere without her then it's suspicious in her eyes. Or, if I tell her I need to run an errand then I either get 20 questions or she gets upset saying "why didn't you tell me you needed to run an errand?" I guess I had to ease her into the fact that I have somewhere to go. I should have started early that morning hinting that I may go out after work. Anytime I'm not there with her where she can see me then her mind starts racing and thinking things. Given the pandemic and working from home I don't have the luxury of driving home from work, listening to the radio and just getting some fresh air. Every now and then I just want to get out of the house. My wife would rather just stay home with the blinds closed and door locked. But when I do it there's something up.

Well, my daughter text me yesterday asking what I had planned to do after work. I told her nothing. She said that her and her roommate were going to buy a TV and it was too large for her car so she wanted me to meet them at the store with my large SUV and take the TV home for them. I saw nothing wrong with that. Plus, I had to run out anyway myself. We have an old fish tank sitting in our living room that my wife has been complaining about for some time. She wanted to just throw it away but I kept telling her I was going to reset it back up for the grandkids to enjoy when they come over. This past week I finally started that project but I needed something from PetSmart so I was gonna run out after work. Again, when I told my wife I needed to run a few errands she seemed to get upset by that. Any time away from her means I'm enjoying something else without her. YES, I've asked her to ride with me when I run errands just to get out of the house but most of the time she refuses. I've even told her that when she gets off work to just go get in her car and drive around. Get away from the house and your workstation. Nothing relaxes me more than just driving and getting some fresh air. She was not happy with the fact that I left her last night to go do something with/for my daughter and her roommate. Plus, I got to see my new granddaughter for a few hours which is always a plus. Monday after I got off work she got annoyed with me because I ran to the store to get a few things to finish off dinner. I don not want to stay cooped up in the house like she does.

And this I completely didn't understand about my wife. For the past 7 or 8 years I've driven an SUV with leather interior. The first one I had probably 5 years and I have always kept a few hand towels folded up on top of my arm console as to not damage the leather with my elbow. When that SUV was totaled in a wreck I got a much larger one, again with leather interior. And again I have had a couple of hand towels folded up on my arm console. Again, for years I'd change out the towels every week to just wash them and put fresh towels in the truck. Yesterday, while on a break from my job I grabbed a few fresh towels, walked outside, and swapped them out with the ones which had been in there for the past week. 2 minutes later when I walked back in the house my wife literally asked me why was I putting towels in my truck? Again people, I've been doing this for at least7 or 8 years and my wife knows this. Last night when I got home from running around with my daughter my wife wasn't speaking to me because she was upset that I left in the first place. When I turned off the TV and rolled over to go to sleep my wife asked my again, "why do you have those towels in your truck?" I don't know if this is early Alzheimer's, she was just playing dumb, or was she just looking to pick another fight. It's like everything I do that doesn't involve her directly annoys her. Or I have to constantly remind her why I do things. Even things like going out on the front porch to get some air raises questions with her.

She's still battling that toothache and is scheduled for a root canal tomorrow so in her mind I'm not showing her enough attention about it. She wants me to sit on the sofa next to her so she can lay her head on my shoulder or when we get in the bed she wants to rest on my shoulder until we fall asleep. Do you know how annoying that is when you're sitting down and can't move because someone wants to use you as a pillow. If I move to grab the remote or a drink off my nightstand and she wakes up then she's annoyed. If I'm playing on my phone then the light from the phone is shining right in her face and she can't sleep so she's pissed by that.

These are the things I deal with on a daily basis.
you can’t take a little joy in your wife putting her head in your lap? Damn dude.
You have some OCD stuff going on and some resentment issues you need to work out. You both need marriage counseling.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
84 Posts
Discussion Starter #75
you can’t take a little joy in your wife putting her head in your lap? Damn dude.
You have some OCD stuff going on and some resentment issues you need to work out. You both need marriage counseling.
Look, it's not that I don't want her to put her head on my shoulder or in my lap but when she gets any type of pain then she becomes a kid again and expects you to wait on her hand and foot like she's the only one to ever hurt or get sick. Plus, when she does lay on me then I can't move.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,235 Posts
Look, it's not that I don't want her to put her head on my shoulder or in my lap but when she gets any type of pain then she becomes a kid again and expects you to wait on her hand and foot like she's the only one to ever hurt or get sick. Plus, when she does lay on me then I can't move.
Again with the extreme contempt for her.

Don't be surprised if you are someday faced with a walk away wife.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
84 Posts
Discussion Starter #77
Again with the extreme contempt for her.

Don't be surprised if you are someday faced with a walk away wife.
It's one thing to take care of someone when they are sick and can't do for themselves but it's another when they expect you to do everything for them when they are sick. I've had 3 root canals in my past, 2 in the same visit, and not once did it ever slow me down or prevent me form doing what I normally. I have sympathy for her breaking her tooth, trust me I do, but you're 50. Put your big girl panties on and deal with it until you see the dentist.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,809 Posts
So it's judgmental for me to have my thoughts that differ from hers and also judgmental that I do not want to give up my thoughts and beliefs for hers?
Yes. I stand by my statement. You ARE judgmental. Die on this hill if you want.

I'm not the thought police. Think whatever the hell you want to think. But I gave you my opinion. Don't like it? That's okay too.

And you don't like your wife very much. Again, my perspective/opinion based on what you've posted thus far.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Rowan

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,304 Posts
It's one thing to take care of someone when they are sick and can't do for themselves but it's another when they expect you to do everything for them when they are sick. I've had 3 root canals in my past, 2 in the same visit, and not once did it ever slow me down or prevent me form doing what I normally. I have sympathy for her breaking her tooth, trust me I do, but you're 50. Put your big girl panties on and deal with it until you see the dentist.
I had a root canal last week and came into work afterwards. Root canals have come a long way from what they used to be. I had no pain at all afterwards, did not even need an ibuprofen; however, the numbness afterwards drives me nuts.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
84 Posts
Discussion Starter #80
I had a root canal last week and came into work afterwards. Root canals have come a long way from what they used to be. I had no pain at all afterwards, did not even need an ibuprofen; however, the numbness afterwards drives me nuts.
My point exactly. She thinks they're going to do the root canal with a dull butter knife. The most she'll feel is the needle in her mouth to numb her.
 
61 - 80 of 95 Posts
Top