Talk About Marriage banner

21 - 40 of 192 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
899 Posts
By now you should be nonchalant about your wife's reactions to people coming over. Let her rue the day on her own mind, and mind your own things going on. It's her cross to bear. You can be considerate about it depending on the circumstances, but you can not stop the world going around because of her attitude.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
160 Posts
Somehow your wife has to get it out of her head that your daughter is company instead of family. Unless your daughter acts like a princess who has to be waited on, she should be able to come & go just like your step sons. Equity, after all.

That said, some people just don't like pop in anybody. I am one of those. My Ex's family all used to just show up at our apartment. Make me crazy. I needed / wanted some notice. I didn't care if they called & said they just got off the highway & would be at our place in 10 minutes .. ..it was some notice. That was all I wanted . . . a heads up.

I don't know what the other issues are but this one seems like it could be minimized. If your wife was working at the kitchen table even if pain, as long as you & your daughter were quiet she should have afforded you the space to visit your daughter & grandbaby.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,849 Posts
Sorry, I think I'm a bit confused, OP. Is your issue that your wife doesn't like your daughter coming over while she's fine with visits from her own children? Or is your issue that you don't approve of the way your wife is approaching her toothache and dentist visit? Because you seem to have started out with the first question and are now somewhat hyper-focused on how she's handling the dentist visit wrong. Much like how you were focused in an earlier post about how she was participating at church wrong.

When people mention that you don't seem to like your wife much, you tend to get defensive. But you need to realize that all of your posts here are about something that your wife is doing wrong. Sometimes your aggravation seems pretty legit, sometimes it just seems you're aggravated because she's not you and doesn't think/feel/react/behave the way you do - which you seem to consider to be the correct way. All of which makes it seem as if you might not like your wife much. You deny it rather vehemently, but your posts actually do portray a not insignificant level of disdain for your wife.

Look, you've been married for years. You cannot change her. You can change yourself which may create a reaction of change in her, you can learn to live with your wife as she is, or you can get out. What you cannot do is make her be different. She is not you. She will not always react or think or behave as you do - and as you seem to think she should. So, you're back to your three available options - you change, you deal, or you move on.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
117 Posts
Discussion Starter · #25 ·
Sorry, I think I'm a bit confused, OP. Is your issue that your wife doesn't like your daughter coming over while she's fine with visits from her own children? Or is your issue that you don't approve of the way your wife is approaching her toothache and dentist visit? Because you seem to have started out with the first question and are now somewhat hyper-focused on how she's handling the dentist visit wrong. Much like how you were focused in an earlier post about how she was participating at church wrong.

When people mention that you don't seem to like your wife much, you tend to get defensive. But you need to realize that all of your posts here are about something that your wife is doing wrong. Sometimes your aggravation seems pretty legit, sometimes it just seems you're aggravated because she's not you and doesn't think/feel/react/behave the way you do - which you seem to consider to be the correct way. All of which makes it seem as if you might not like your wife much. You deny it rather vehemently, but your posts actually do portray a not insignificant level of disdain for your wife.

Look, you've been married for years. You cannot change her. You can change yourself which may create a reaction of change in her, you can learn to live with your wife as she is, or you can get out. What you cannot do is make her be different. She is not you. She will not always react or think or behave as you do - and as you seem to think she should. So, you're back to your three available options - you change, you deal, or you move on.
My OP was more about how she reacts when I say my daughter is coming over but when her sons come over not only am I not notified, which I really don't need to be. Although, when my daughter comes over she says it would be nice to give her a heads up first. But she never tells me when her sons are coming over. Again, I don't need to know when they're coming over. They use to live here so technically this is and will always be home to them. Same as my daughter. My daughter wasn't going to come and sit in the kitchen with my wife and bother her. At most she would have sat in the living room with the baby and watched TV.

As far as the dentist appointment, my wife tends to go overboard on every little ailment. People have dental appointments all the time but I've never known of someone having to go lay down and rest before and even after a dentist visit. She goes overboard when she is in pain any kind of way. She's upset that I'm not more concerned about her toothache. But honestly what am I to do about her toothache?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,903 Posts
But you need to realize that all of your posts here are about something that your wife is doing wrong. Sometimes your aggravation seems pretty legit, sometimes it just seems you're aggravated because she's not you and doesn't think/feel/react/behave the way you do - which you seem to consider to be the correct way.
Yep. ^^This^^ is a pretty accurate assessment of what I've read in this and your other posts, OP. You are making a point of how you can't understand why your wife needs to rest prior to visiting the dentist. You don't need to do that. In fact, you don't know anyone else who needs to do that except your wife. Just spit balling here, but maybe she's anxious about all dental procedures. The thing is, this is the way SHE handles it.

There are lots of things other people do that I find weird. I certainly wouldn't need to lay down before going to a dentist. But just because I don't do it or necessarily understand it doesn't make it wrong, per se.

She is what she is. And you don't sound as if you like her very much. While you find it aggravating that she's not laid back about having family drop by, my guess is she doesn't like your stance either. The thing is, the common thread in your venting/complaining is your wife doesn't do things the way you do them. She's not going to change. Thus, it's incumbent on you to adjust your outlook on her inflexibility. Yes, I think she's inflexible too. But YOU are married to her. Find a way to cope with it. I don't see any other way to roll. Sorry.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
117 Posts
Discussion Starter · #27 ·
4thTwin, have you thought about how much you're willing to tolerate just to please a 50 year old harpy. Get real Dawg.
My wife would be totally fine if no one ever came to visit, even the kids. However, she tracks them on her phone. A 24 and 26 year old boys, and my wife can track their every movement. I've told her numerous times to take that off her phone but she refuses. She asked me to let her know when my daughter is planning to stop by but that request only works one way. I rarely get a heads up when her sons stop by. They just show up.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,903 Posts
... my wife tends to go overboard on every little ailment.
She's also inflexible about people dropping in to visit. She isn't particularly sociable. She can't understand why you want to see your family so often.

I dunno .. but from what you've said about her thus far, it doesn't sound as if you actually like her very much. Or, at the very least, there are several things she does that really grate on you. JMO.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Livvie

·
Registered
Joined
·
117 Posts
Discussion Starter · #29 ·
Yep. ^^This^^ is a pretty accurate assessment of what I've read in this and your other posts, OP. You are making a point of how you can't understand why your wife needs to rest prior to visiting the dentist. You don't need to do that. In fact, you don't know anyone else who needs to do that except your wife. Just spit balling here, but maybe she's anxious about all dental procedures. The thing is, this is the way SHE handles it.

There are lots of things other people do that I find weird. I certainly wouldn't need to lay down before going to a dentist. But just because I don't do it or necessarily understand it doesn't make it wrong, per se.

She is what she is. And you don't sound as if you like her very much. While you find it aggravating that she's not laid back about having family drop by, my guess is she doesn't like your stance either. The thing is, the common thread in your venting/complaining is your wife doesn't do things the way you do them. She's not going to change. Thus, it's incumbent on you to adjust your outlook on her inflexibility. Yes, I think she's inflexible too. But YOU are married to her. Find a way to cope with it. I don't see any other way to roll. Sorry.
Just as you say, she's inflexible, you hit the nail on the head. However, I refuse to go through life changing everything I believe simply because of her inflexibility to just adjust or adapt.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,903 Posts
I refuse to go through life changing everything I believe simply because of her inflexibility to just adjust or adapt.
I'm not advocating that you change what you "believe." I'm suggesting you let it drop. She's not gonna change. Your not gonna change. So, as others have advised, just do what you want to do and tell her to deal with it.

Bottom line: Learn to deal with her inflexibility by proceeding as you wish and tell her "tough luck." She will continue to do what she wants to do. Learn to blow her off. Either that, or keep venting about it. Your life. Your choice.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,958 Posts
You say that you want to stay with her so that means you’re going to have to find a way to deal with the differences between you. Why? Because apparently she’s not interested in changing or compromising or seeing things your way.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,958 Posts
Your daughter vs. her sons has been mentioned before. She’ll never stop giving her sons preferential treatment. You may make an effort to treat your daughter and her sons equally but she’s not interested in doing that. So you do what you feel is right and let her do what she feels is right. Will the two of you disagree about how things should be? Yes, but that’s the price you pay.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
258 Posts
As for your original question, it’s OK if you tolerate it, and it’s not OK if you don’t.

if you don’t like her stance on seeing your daughter, or her double standard with her sons - don’t abide it. Make your own decisions about what you are going to do. If she doesn’t like it, too bad. (Now I’m not saying to go and throw parties etc. but how often you see your daughter/grandchild isn’t up to your wife). it seems the leadership dynamic at your house is a bit out of whack.

As for your statement: “if I leave to visit my daughter, my wife will get mad that I’m not home with her“ - so what?
Unless you’re gone visiting your daughter constantly, who cares if your wife gets mad about it. You seriously need to stop tiptoeing around what your wife’s reactions may be, and just start acting as you see fit. You need to start operating in your own frame instead of reacting to your wife’s.

As others have said, stop trying to understand her perspective (because you’re both different and that’s ok), and don’t worry about trying to change her perspective (because you can’t). Instead, just focus on you and what you are going to do. Choose your course of action, based on your priorities, and ACT. Stop complaining about a double standard and just change it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,613 Posts
I don't get it you say she's okay with her sons coming by and not your daughter, but then you say she basically tells her sons it's time to go after an hour, so clearly she doesn't like it. Is she rude to your daughter when she comes over or something? Stop letting your wife's miserableness effect you. Go about your business. OR let her get her own place where she can sit alone all day and be less miserable.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,418 Posts
She even said that when her own sons come over, after they've been here an hour or so she'll look at them and say, "yall don't have anywhere else to go." She hates anyone just stopping by to visit, even her own sons.
Ok so she's not treating your daughter differently, she doesn't like her sons dropping in unannounced either. Different strokes for different folks, my family is just like yours, we have keys to Mums (dad passed away) place, and we drop in whenever we like. My husbands family is like your wife's - everything must be scheduled, and a formal affair, even a cup of coffee lol. Neither way is right or wrong, just different.

Neither of you are going to change - nor should you have to - so you can either dig your heels in and stay upset about it, or accept it.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,958 Posts
She isn’t you and she’s not interested in doing things the way you do. You’ve apparently been with her for a long time so maybe it’s a case of what didn’t bother you in the beginning bothers you now — who knows. But you’ve said previously that you feel you have a good marriage so this is part of what you’ll just need to disagree on.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,455 Posts
She's not an only child. There were 4 daughters in the house along with the parents. One sister is mentally challenged and non verbal. Another sister passed away some years ago. So it's just my wife and her baby sister. They're not the type of family to just stop by and visit. Compromise to my wife means she has to do something she doesn't want to do. But what she's not seeing is that on the flip side of things she's getting to do something I may not want. If the compromise is that if my daughter comes to visit I let her know before hand then her sons coming to visit she should also let me know before hand. I never know when they come. They just show up. And it doesn't bother me. But now if I bring it up to my wife that she didn't let me know they were coming then either (A) I'm being petty about it as a man or (B) they just came by unannounced. However, my daughter coming by unannounced is a problem for her.
Let it be a problem FOR HER. It does not have to be a problem FOR YOU.
do you see that? It’s ok for your wife to have “problems”. It’s is not ok for you to constantly stay resentful of her not liking your daughter, and it’s not ok for her to constantly have something to ***** about.

if it weren’t your daughter coming over, it would be something else. So let her ***** about something happening that you get some happiness from.

What exactly do you AND your wife look forward to together. You need to work on having some fun with your wife. Isn’t marriage supposed to be fun?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,455 Posts
My OP was more about how she reacts when I say my daughter is coming over but when her sons come over not only am I not notified, which I really don't need to be. Although, when my daughter comes over she says it would be nice to give her a heads up first. But she never tells me when her sons are coming over. Again, I don't need to know when they're coming over. They use to live here so technically this is and will always be home to them. Same as my daughter. My daughter wasn't going to come and sit in the kitchen with my wife and bother her. At most she would have sat in the living room with the baby and watched TV.

As far as the dentist appointment, my wife tends to go overboard on every little ailment. People have dental appointments all the time but I've never known of someone having to go lay down and rest before and even after a dentist visit. She goes overboard when she is in pain any kind of way. She's upset that I'm not more concerned about her toothache. But honestly what am I to do about her toothache?
I do think it’s normal to want some rest when in pain.

Why do you get so worked up?
It’s an opportunity to baby her. Take it.
Build a happy day with her. Or build resentment and stress over a tiny thing.

She says x,y,z. So? Doesn’t mean you have to stress over it. You’re choosing to be offended. Stop choosing offense.

next time she says she wants a little warning, say “duly noted” give her A patronizing kiss on the forehead. When she says something additional after your patronizing response, say “ I’ll give you warning when our sons give me warning”.
Then you can really start the **** show and have a big row over nothing. Or you can choose to ask her to go to dinner with you and discuss the daughter visits after some wild hot sex.

Mu point is that your way of dealing with trivial crap isn’t working for you. So try something different that involves a fun marriage rather than a passive agressive, resentment building nightmare.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
90 Posts
Your wife sounds like an introvert. I am an introvert, not all introverts are quiet. But we tend to have very strict routines, certain people we feel comfortable with being ourselves around, and social interaction is exhausting. I am the type of person who would rest before and after going to an appointment because going out around other people in a social busy situation that is outside of my routine is exhausting. Maybe your wife's personality is so foreign to you that you are perceiving things in a way that she doesn't intend, just giving you an alternative.

I think there's a lot of issues in your relationship that go beyond your daughter, it sounds like you arent very affectionate or seem concerned about your wife's pain. No you can't do anything about it but your woman is basically begging you to spend time with her and show her that you care by sitting in your bedroom while you are on a call and saying her tooth hurts. Why not show her some care?

I think the real issue with your daughter seems to be the fact you show her you care for her and your grandchild which is understandable, but your wife feels lack of care or concern from you and like a 3rd wheel. This is just my theory, I could be wrong. But your posts seem very bitter and negative so it makes me feel theres a lot more going on deeper in your relationship.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
942 Posts
So I got some really nice ear buds a few weeks ago.

The darndest thing happened when I put those suckers in my ear... they blocked out 99% of the noise in my house... I can’t hear my kids screaming!

I think you should get a set! Enjoy your visits with your daughter and grand baby. And then plug those ears up with noise cancelling ear buds when it’s just you and the ever pissed off wife. It’s blissful! I suggest Enya. She has a calming way about her, you might even get a peaceful nap in. If they can block out my screaming kids, they can definitely block out your wife’s *****ing. Good luck.
 
21 - 40 of 192 Posts
Top