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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
My wife has this thing to where she doesn't like "company" coming over to our house. However, she defines what company is. When we met she had 2 sons from her first marriage and I have a daughter from a previous relationship. All the kids are grown now and out of the house..My daughter just had her first child a little more than a month ago and since she's on maternity leave she tends to come by the house to bring the baby. She had a c-section so the first 2 weeks after the baby was born my daughter and the baby came to our house so we could help her recoop. That was a sore spot for my wife because that meant that her and the baby would be in our house for 2 weeks straight. Well, they have since gone back to her apt. But while she's out running errands she'll stop by so I/we can see the baby. I have no problem with that but my wife is not too happy about it. Because that means someone other than me will be in our house. No my wife doesn't have any type of social anxiety or hates to be around people, she just doesn't like people in our house. Again, this is the house that all our kids grew up in.

This morning my daughter text me to say that the wifi was out in their apartment complex and they don't know when it'll be fixed so she said her and the baby will probably swing by to hang out. My daughter is of the generation where they don't have cable in their place but stream everything online. I told her I didn't have a problem with them just coming to hang out. But on the contrary, my wife's sons will swing by unannounced, or at least I don't know they are coming, and it's totally fine with my wife. She'll stop working to talk with them for a while. Yeah, we're both working from home right now. But again, it's fine for them to come by, and it honestly doesn't bother me but when my daughter comes it's a problem. It's not like she's in the kitchen talking to my wife while she's working keeping her from doing her job. She sits in the living room watching TV.

I come from a large family with 6 other brothers and sisters and there's always someone at my parent's house. We normally all go by there on Sunday afternoons because we know mom is cooking a big meal and we like to hang out and reconnect. That's just how we were raised. I'll stop by my parent's house several times a week just to check on them. Both are getting up in age. Dad is 82 years old. My wife, on the other hand, has a smaller family unit. 4 total daughters, one deceased. Both parents are still alive but my wife doesn't go visit her parents at all even though they only live about 8 miles from us.

Yesterday my wife told me that she thinks she may have a cavity because her tooth was hurting. She has a dentist appointment today. Again, this just happened yesterday. She tends to take every pain she has and ramp it up by 1000. A splinter in her finger is the same as someone cutting off her arm with a dull butter knife. When I told her my daughter was gonna swing by this was her response. "Well, I'm in a lot of pain right now so I honestly so not up for company and just want to lay down." Again, she just mentioned the toothache to me yesterday afternoon so I can't see how it just hit her all of a sudden and on a scale of 1 to 10 it's already at a 12. That toothache didn't stop her from leaving the house this morning to drive down the street to get her morning cappuccino. It hasn't stopped her form logging into work and performing her normal duties. But my daughter coming by with a newborn baby is just too much for her. Then she tells me that "just because they are our kids doesn't mean I want to see them all day long." She then goes on to say that she wanted to "lay down and rest before she goes to the dentist and when she comes back." Who lays down and rests just to go tot he dentist? And who needs to rest once they come back? Several years back I had a dentist appointment one morning and had 2 root canals at the same time, After the appointment my wife and I drove several hours just to pick up one of her sons from college. Yeah, you can probably say that because I deal with pain in one way she may not but deal with it the same way. But yesterday was the first day my wife ever mentioned that her tooth was hurting. Tues all was great but Wed she now needs jaw surgery.

This never seems to be a problem with her sons just "stop by" but when my daughter wants to come over for anything then it's a problem.

And even when she told me about her toothache she got mad with me because I didn't show more concern towards her. I'm working and she comes into the bedroom and sits on the corner of the bed just looking at me. I finished up the call I was on and when I turned to her that's when she told me she thinks she has a toothache. I told her I think there was some oragel in the medicine cabinet. A few minutes later when I was on another call she comes back into the bedroom and just stand there looking at me. I again turn to her and say "what". She then storms out of the house slamming the door. She later told me she thought I would have shown more concern for her. How do you show concern for someone with a toothache? What can you honestly do? Should I have gotten a big bandana and tied it around her face like they use to do back in the old school cartoons? Should I have stopped working and let her lay her head on my lap and stroke her hair? Help me out here. What was I supposed to do?

She doesn't have a problem constantly bothering me while I'm working but someone possibly just being in the house is a bother to her that she will not tolerate. It's a toothache, not a broken arm or a ruptured appendix.

I honestly think my wife craves attention. She's 50 and acts like she's 5. Again, why is it okay for her sons to just stop by but not my daughter?
 

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Discussion Starter #4
What would stop your wife from laying down if your daughter came by?
Nothing. Not one thing. However, she's sitting at the kitchen table working. She's fine enough to log into work . . . . and work. But my daughter bringing a 1 month old to the house is just too distracting. All 1 month old babies do is sleep. IT's not like she's bringing a 4 year old and they're just running all over the house.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
Why don't you just add on to your existing thread so people have background?

Again, as in your previous thread, your contempt for your wife is so palpable it make my stomach twist.
Well Livvie, no one is twisting your arm or holding a gun to your head making you read OR reply to my posts. I don't have contempt for my wife but I don't always like everything she does either. Welcome to the real world where people do things you don't like. Yes, even your spouse can do things you don't like.
 

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Nothing. Not one thing. However, she's sitting at the kitchen table working. She's fine enough to log into work . . . . and work. But my daughter bringing a 1 month old to the house is just too distracting. All 1 month old babies do is sleep. IT's not like she's bringing a 4 year old and they're just running all over the house.
It seems that your wife is very rigid in her routine. Perhaps you should go to your daughters more to see her and the baby. Hang out there with them.
 

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Dude: I don't get you. What are you trying to achieve? are you just venting or asking for advice? here as you can see you are going to get gang up by a bunch of females (typical). Their feelings toward what goes on in their house is what matters, the stupid husband feelings are just that, feelings of no importance. It's very typical of many women to see that their children are to get everything (including your money), but your children seldom matters.

If she can bring her sons to the house you can bring your daughter to the house also. Period, you shouldn't be arguing about this issue. Long ago it should had been settled that you have as much right to bring friends and relatives to visit as much as she does. That fact that she doesn't like people in the house is irrelevant (she doesn't have to engage anyone). You bring whomever you like and that's that.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
What you should be doing is asking your wife this question.
Do you not think I've done that? Hence her responses as far was just wanting to lay down before she goes to the dentist. Who has to lay down just to go to the dentist and when they come back? Most adults I know of, me included, will go to work, leave work to go to the dentist, and then go back to work. Why the need to rest? When you leave the dentist 99% of the time the pain is gone and the problem is fixed. Yeah, your gums or jaw may be numb from the novocaine but that usually wears off in an hour or so. That shouldn't keep you from doing anything.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
It seems that your wife is very rigid in her routine. Perhaps you should go to your daughters more to see her and the baby. Hang out there with them.
Let me tell you what will happen with that. My wife will get mad because I'm not home with her. Again, as you say, she's rigid in her routine. And her routine is that after work we eat dinner and sit together and watch TV till time to go to bed. So if I'm now away from home visiting my granddaughter that also interferes with her routine. It's a no win situation for me either way.
 

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Dude: I don't get you. What are you trying to achieve? are you just venting or asking for advice? here as you can see you are going to get gang up by a bunch of females (typical). Their feelings toward what goes on in their house is what matters, the stupid husband feelings are just that, feelings of no importance. It's very typical of many women to see that their children are to get everything (including your money), but your children seldom matters.

If she can bring her sons to the house you can bring your daughter to the house also. Period, you shouldn't be arguing about this issue. Long ago it should had been settled that you have as much right to bring friends and relatives to visit as much as she does. That fact that she doesn't like people in the house is irrelevant (she doesn't have to engage anyone). You bring whomever you like and that's that.
I 1000% agree with you and we have had those discussions but just as you say, this is her house and she has more of a say so when it comes to things like that because she is a woman. She has a problem when her own sister comes over much less when one of my relatives stops by to visit. I'm not as much a social butterfly as I am a family oriented type of guy. Again, my 6 other siblings enjoy getting together to just laugh and reconnect even though we just saw each other 7 days ago. My wife probably hasn't seen her parents in a few months an this is only April and they only live about 8 miles from us. She's said many times in the past "I don't know how you can go see your parents that much in a week. If I see them on Sunday that's fine. But by Tues or Wed if I say, "hey, I'm going to see my parents after work" I usually get this response. "You just saw them."
 

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Let me tell you what will happen with that. My wife will get mad because I'm not home with her. Again, as you say, she's rigid in her routine. And her routine is that after work we eat dinner and sit together and watch TV till time to go to bed. So if I'm now away from home visiting my granddaughter that also interferes with her routine. It's a no win situation for me either way.
I think that you need to tell her in no uncertain terms that you are going to spend time with your daughter and your grandchild. Period. It’s up to her which way she would prefer it. Your home or your daughters. Let her decide what works best for her.
 

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this is her house and she has more of a say so when it comes to things like that because she is a woman.

Excuse me? since when because she's a woman she has more rights to the house than you do? are you that weak/ or is it that the Dee of the house is hers? whatever, you live there also. It shouldn't matter. I understand that there's moments and circumstances where visitors should not come to the house, but as a routine thing?
 

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Discussion Starter #15
Excuse me? since when because she's a woman she has more rights to the house than you do? are you that weak/ or is it that the Dee of the house is hers? whatever, you live there also. It shouldn't matter. I understand that there's moments and circumstances where visitors should not come to the house, but as a routine thing?
Sarcasm Rob, Sarcasm! No she doesn't have any more rights to this house nor who comes to visit than I do. I just find it strange that my child coming over is a problem but her sons stopping by isn't. It's even gotten to the point to where she hates when she just showed up unannounced. My daughter text me this morning that her and the baby were probably going to come by due to their wifi being out. I didn't not tell the wife. I told her. So if I don't tell her she's coming by she's mad, and even when I do tell her she's coming by she's mad. And I honestly do not believe that her sons are calling or texting to say they're on the way. However, when they show up I never know they're coming so where's the consideration here? I have to let her know when my daughter is coming by so she won't be surprised when she hears a key in the lock and someone coming in. Whereas, she doesn't tell me her boys are coming over. When I hear a key in the lock I automatically assume it's one of the kids. They all still have their keys. I don't call my parents to let them know I want to stop by. I just stop by. We all still have keys to our parent's house again, because they are getting up in age and if anything happens we want to be able to get in to check on them. When my wife moved out of her parent's home they took back their keys. So when we go visit we have to stand outside and knock. I just don't see a problem with them coming by, not even her sons.
 

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Discussion Starter #16
Your wife does not know the meaning of "compromise" it seems. Is she an only child?
She's not an only child. There were 4 daughters in the house along with the parents. One sister is mentally challenged and non verbal. Another sister passed away some years ago. So it's just my wife and her baby sister. They're not the type of family to just stop by and visit. Compromise to my wife means she has to do something she doesn't want to do. But what she's not seeing is that on the flip side of things she's getting to do something I may not want. If the compromise is that if my daughter comes to visit I let her know before hand then her sons coming to visit she should also let me know before hand. I never know when they come. They just show up. And it doesn't bother me. But now if I bring it up to my wife that she didn't let me know they were coming then either (A) I'm being petty about it as a man or (B) they just came by unannounced. However, my daughter coming by unannounced is a problem for her.
 

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I would not bend on the having your daughter come over, or going to her place. Your having a relationship with your daughter and grandchild is important. She can take a nap when the daughter is visiting or whatever - you can't force them to have a relationship but make it clear you aren't distancing yourself.

Try to avoid taking your annoyance at your wife out on her sons (you say it doesn't bother you but it would be human to be resentful - just remember they are not responsible for their mom's behavior and may not even know what's up with you and your daughter and her visits).

HOWEVER, I did want to mention that what I have seen of other families who are less close than mine, it is deemed "weird' for my parents to come stay for 5 days every 3 or 4 months when they visit me in the US (before coranavirus). Some families find it completely normal and if anything not very often to see your grown kids. To other's it's monstrous. To her I guess family visits seem frequent when it's your daughter. Maybe it seems weird because she's not close to your daughter. But she certainly isn't doing herself any favors by being cold and distant towards your daughter.
 

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My wife has already gotten off work at 11 but she said that her dentist appointment isn't until like 2:30. Why would you get off work 3 hours before a dentist appointment. She's sitting in the living room just watching TV at this point. She even said that when her own sons come over, after they've been here an hour or so she'll look at them and say, "yall don't have anywhere else to go." She hates anyone just stopping by to visit, even her own sons. The kids visiting us has never been a problem for me but it is to her.
 

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Discussion Starter #19
I would not bend on the having your daughter come over, or going to her place. Your having a relationship with your daughter and grandchild is important. She can take a nap when the daughter is visiting or whatever - you can't force them to have a relationship but make it clear you aren't distancing yourself.

Try to avoid taking your annoyance at your wife out on her sons (you say it doesn't bother you but it would be human to be resentful - just remember they are not responsible for their mom's behavior and may not even know what's up with you and your daughter and her visits).

HOWEVER, I did want to mention that what I have seen of other families who are less close than mine, it is deemed "weird' for my parents to come stay for 5 days every 3 or 4 months when they visit me in the US (before coranavirus). Some families find it completely normal and if anything not very often to see your grown kids. To other's it's monstrous. To her I guess family visits seem frequent when it's your daughter. Maybe it seems weird because she's not close to your daughter. But she certainly isn't doing herself any favors by being cold and distant towards your daughter.
I sound like you. I enjoy family being around. That's just how we were raised. My wife admitted that she hasn't seen her parents in a while and she doesn't want to just go visit them. In her mind we got married so it should just be her and I all the time. I love my wife but I don't want to be up under her 24/7 like there's no one else in the world or even in my life.
 

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Your wife might have anxiety over a dental appointment during Covid. She's calming herself by resting and diverting her mind.

Yeah, it's obvious that you enjoy hanging with your FOO whereas your wife doesn't enjoy a lot of familial companionship. Hang the witch.:rolleyes:
 
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