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Laying awake at 2am, really jacked up tonight. Thinking about how our family life is ruined, how our kids won't get to see their mom and dad loving each other anymore. I was thinking about our anniversary we had just 2 months ago, how much fun we had (even though she was stressed for the first half of it). Wondering how we got here so fast.
Essentially going through every emotion that someone in a codependent relationship would go through: what can I do to make this work? How can I fix this? What could I give up to just stick it out?
I replayed the tape from our MC session, which was quite horrible and set me back emotionally and in terms of my wife getting help (95% sure at this point she is suffering from BPD). I spoke gently and factually for 5 minutes about how my wife's recent behaviors were triggering my emotions from the affair. I got no empathy or understanding from her, she was insistent that she isn't cheating and I am just making stuff up to make her look bad. Even after I mentioned that I'm not out to punish her or make her look bad or acccuse her, just wanted to share how her actions were affecting my emotions, and looking for some empathy and understanding.
She called me controlling and mentioned that I had been treating her poorly and accusing her and making her feel bad about herself.
It was an hour session and I didn't have time nor the desire to correct every statement she was making about me, I was trying to listen and get a fix on what her feelings were. Of course the counselor had no choice but to assume everything she said was true.
My "homework" for the week was:
1. Stop reading her messages and "snooping" - something I would never agree to do if I was staying married
2. Stop treating my wife "like crap"
3. Start talking to my wife respectfully
At the end I told her my homework was pointless, as at some point I have to stop pretending that I can do more to work on this marriage, and that I believed in my heart that I was already treating her to the best of my ability and giving her as much respect, care, love, and understanding as possible.
At the end my counselor undid all the conversation we had in our individual session by just outright believing my wife that I was being controlling and treating her poorly, even though we spent most of the hour discussing the reasonable and well communicated boundaries I had set up and how my wife is displaying several BPD traits.
After everything was said and done I told my wife flat out, there has been too much boundary crossing and I can no longer accept being with someone who consistently depletes my sense of self. If you want to get help to stop crossing my boundaries, I will be supportive and work on whatever I need to have a happy healthy relationship. She said she didn't know what I was talking about, I mentioned the sarcastic snide comments and attacks during our conversations, and a complete lack of empathy for my feelings. She told me I do the same thing to her (which I can no longer accept as true).
So we confirmed that we will be moving forward with the divorce. Things she's been saying confirm to me that she wants to move on, though it's hard to tell if that is a defense mechanism, or if the talk about wanting to stay married that she says to everyone else privately is a defense mechanism.
I feel like I'm going crazy sometimes, which I know is normal in these situations dealing with someone with BPD, but I hear her say things in confidence, that she is doing great, everything is fine, she feels really strong and finally at peace, and I know she is about to snap. The woman who is assuring everyone that everything is great and she's so strong and at peace, is 30 minutes later having panic attacks and an emotional breakdown about everything and saying she can't breath and needs to go to the hospital.
Anyway this has turned ranty. I'm out of the house and got some sleep this week for the first time in many weeks (though not tonight obviously). I'm trying to take my life back, exercising, finding activities, and I'm going to a codependency anonymous group next week. Most of the time I've been handling it well, but I just can't shake that ache right now that this is so wrong and we should stay together and just need to work it out. I would give up everything in my life to hear her say, "I'm so sorry I've been acting like this, you were right, I need help, I'm going to a therapist to work on getting better. You're the best husband and you're all I want."
That should tell you something about how messed up I am....
Essentially going through every emotion that someone in a codependent relationship would go through: what can I do to make this work? How can I fix this? What could I give up to just stick it out?
I replayed the tape from our MC session, which was quite horrible and set me back emotionally and in terms of my wife getting help (95% sure at this point she is suffering from BPD). I spoke gently and factually for 5 minutes about how my wife's recent behaviors were triggering my emotions from the affair. I got no empathy or understanding from her, she was insistent that she isn't cheating and I am just making stuff up to make her look bad. Even after I mentioned that I'm not out to punish her or make her look bad or acccuse her, just wanted to share how her actions were affecting my emotions, and looking for some empathy and understanding.
She called me controlling and mentioned that I had been treating her poorly and accusing her and making her feel bad about herself.
It was an hour session and I didn't have time nor the desire to correct every statement she was making about me, I was trying to listen and get a fix on what her feelings were. Of course the counselor had no choice but to assume everything she said was true.
My "homework" for the week was:
1. Stop reading her messages and "snooping" - something I would never agree to do if I was staying married
2. Stop treating my wife "like crap"
3. Start talking to my wife respectfully
At the end I told her my homework was pointless, as at some point I have to stop pretending that I can do more to work on this marriage, and that I believed in my heart that I was already treating her to the best of my ability and giving her as much respect, care, love, and understanding as possible.
At the end my counselor undid all the conversation we had in our individual session by just outright believing my wife that I was being controlling and treating her poorly, even though we spent most of the hour discussing the reasonable and well communicated boundaries I had set up and how my wife is displaying several BPD traits.
After everything was said and done I told my wife flat out, there has been too much boundary crossing and I can no longer accept being with someone who consistently depletes my sense of self. If you want to get help to stop crossing my boundaries, I will be supportive and work on whatever I need to have a happy healthy relationship. She said she didn't know what I was talking about, I mentioned the sarcastic snide comments and attacks during our conversations, and a complete lack of empathy for my feelings. She told me I do the same thing to her (which I can no longer accept as true).
So we confirmed that we will be moving forward with the divorce. Things she's been saying confirm to me that she wants to move on, though it's hard to tell if that is a defense mechanism, or if the talk about wanting to stay married that she says to everyone else privately is a defense mechanism.
I feel like I'm going crazy sometimes, which I know is normal in these situations dealing with someone with BPD, but I hear her say things in confidence, that she is doing great, everything is fine, she feels really strong and finally at peace, and I know she is about to snap. The woman who is assuring everyone that everything is great and she's so strong and at peace, is 30 minutes later having panic attacks and an emotional breakdown about everything and saying she can't breath and needs to go to the hospital.
Anyway this has turned ranty. I'm out of the house and got some sleep this week for the first time in many weeks (though not tonight obviously). I'm trying to take my life back, exercising, finding activities, and I'm going to a codependency anonymous group next week. Most of the time I've been handling it well, but I just can't shake that ache right now that this is so wrong and we should stay together and just need to work it out. I would give up everything in my life to hear her say, "I'm so sorry I've been acting like this, you were right, I need help, I'm going to a therapist to work on getting better. You're the best husband and you're all I want."
That should tell you something about how messed up I am....