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Discussion Starter #1
So many posts about how men are the ones that are on the wrong end of a sexless marriage but there are also so many women suffering in this loveless/sexless void.

Not sure what I am trying to achieve here but after reading yet another post that came from the POV that it is men that suffer this way I just have to set something straight.

There are many, many, many women that are in sexless marriages not of their choosing. It is extremely demoralising and for women this issue goes very deep. It is not considered the norm for women to be the HD or to be rejected sexually by their spouses.

I think this perception is a hang over from the days where women were considered to have much lower drives than men but we now know that women are as sexual and at times more so than men. So when a woman is rejected by her husband it cuts so deeply, there are no words to describe it.

If only I knew then what I know now, if only it had of been discussed with me that I am worthy of a great, fulfilling sex life then just maybe I would have moved on much sooner instead of putting up and shutting up. I thought I was the only woman in the world who's husband did not have sex with her.

I just want people to know that this is a universal issue, men and women suffer greatly because of it, self esteem is eroded and feelings of self hatred start to set in.

This is not to take away from the pain a sexless marriage causes men, I am dating a man that went through this so yes I understand.

Life is short, I am incredibly happy now and yes there is life after a sexless marriage :)
 

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Holland,

We know it affects women too. Do some more reading here, especially in the Sex in Marriage section and you'll see many women have been dealing with the same issue you are!
 

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There are many posts from women affected; I can't say that I'm sexless, but definitely low-sex. Much less frequency than what I was used to, but then, he never had frequent sex, so to him, this is normal...he's convinced himself of that.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
You said "loveless" as well, my guess is that might be part of why its sexless too.
No it became loveless due to the HD/LD incompatibility. It isn't an issue now as I ended the marriage a few years back and am now with a man that I am compatible with. I am still friends with the ex and would have been with him forever had the marriage not been sexless.

I know there are plenty of posts here from women, but there are also lots of posts written by men that come across as suggesting this is mainly a men's problem, it isn't. There are many women in this situation and it is important that they know they are not alone.
 

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Holland,

I think that while the men are perhaps more vocal about the issue, we know that there are women here who go through the same feelings of low self-esteem and doubt that we do.

When some of us have compared notes, it's uncanny to the point that we almost finish the other's thought!
 

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It isn't an issue now as I ended the marriage a few years back and am now with a man that I am compatible with.
Good thing you ended it and found someone you're more compatible with. To many people stay in situations for to long in hopes things will change, and then look back over their lives and see it was pretty much wasted.
 

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Personally, I stopped feeling unworthy and I don't (have never really had) low self esteem. The problem is my husband's. I've done all I can to do try to help him. At one point, you just have to give in and admit/realize that this is probably just the way it is...we do love each other, very much. He has issues that cause his LD...and it's up to him to address those issues.

Things would be much worse if there was no sex at all, though.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
Good thing you ended it and found someone you're more compatible with. To many people stay in situations for to long in hopes things will change, and then look back over their lives and see it was pretty much wasted.
Yes it was a good thing and while I hung on too long I have no regrets as it brought me to where I am now.
 

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No, it's not always men, but I think women are less likely to complain about it because, as you said, the problem goes a lot deeper...

I was in a sexless 6 year marriage, and it was very difficult for me to admit that my H (apparently) found me sexually unattractive, because I foolishly took it very personally. It was my belief that all men wanted / needed regular sex, and for a man to have no interest in a woman physically, she had to be pretty awful.

I think women react to this sort of thing on a very deep and personal level, whereas men are, possibly, simply unhappy at the lack of sex?
 

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Holland,
There is a place called the experience project. They have a forum on this called: I live in a sexless marriage

It has 20,000 plus members and a very big percent of them are women.

One common difference is that when the woman is the "refuser", there is sometimes still a good amount of affection. When the man is the refuser, he often shuts down most/all attempts at physical contact.

I also believe that for the "most common" relationship pairing where the man is HD and the woman is LD, the "norm" goes something like this.

In the beginning, which is a 1-3 year timeframe, they both feel desire. Once that ends, he continues to feel almost as much desire and her baseline "desire" for him drops quite a bit. At that point one of two things begins to happen:
- They work together to learn how to work with her "responsive" desire. On her part this is a matter of relaxing and letting her body respond to him. On his part this is about pacing. Simple example: An aroused person typically likes a french kiss with open mouth. A non-aroused person often does not. For the man, he needs to learn how to warm his wife up before he does certain things that she only likes once she is turned on.
- They don't work together. Either she refuses the very notion that she should do something she doesn't "feel like doing" and resents being pressured when she "doesn't feel like it", or he pays no attention to her body language, feedback and even comments about pacing and continues to use the exact same approach that worked so well when they were dating/she was feeling a high level of baseline desire.

At some point they cross the rubicon, this is no longer about the occasional choice to "decline" an activity or even simply request that the activity happen the next day. In this new phase she is rejecting HIM. And that is a whole different world.

BTW: A man posted here just the other day. He was asking for help because his W is ready to leave him over his continued rejection of her. His post is very illuminating in that it simply isn't very honest. He claims work/financial stress is the cause of their issue. Except he acknowledges that she was ALWAYS the initiator of sex for them. Maybe the stress is making it worse, but the truth is they always had some mismatch and he seems largely in denial in terms of taking responsibility.




So many posts about how men are the ones that are on the wrong end of a sexless marriage but there are also so many women suffering in this loveless/sexless void.

Not sure what I am trying to achieve here but after reading yet another post that came from the POV that it is men that suffer this way I just have to set something straight.

There are many, many, many women that are in sexless marriages not of their choosing. It is extremely demoralising and for women this issue goes very deep. It is not considered the norm for women to be the HD or to be rejected sexually by their spouses.

I think this perception is a hang over from the days where women were considered to have much lower drives than men but we now know that women are as sexual and at times more so than men. So when a woman is rejected by her husband it cuts so deeply, there are no words to describe it.

If only I knew then what I know now, if only it had of been discussed with me that I am worthy of a great, fulfilling sex life then just maybe I would have moved on much sooner instead of putting up and shutting up. I thought I was the only woman in the world who's husband did not have sex with her.

I just want people to know that this is a universal issue, men and women suffer greatly because of it, self esteem is eroded and feelings of self hatred start to set in.

This is not to take away from the pain a sexless marriage causes men, I am dating a man that went through this so yes I understand.

Life is short, I am incredibly happy now and yes there is life after a sexless marriage :)
 

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Great post MEM. I've been a member of that "I live in a sexless marriage" for years now.

It's a great resource to at least come away knowing you're not alone. The problem is that the very rare instances you get a follow up story it is status quo or the HD spouse had to move on. There are no success stories turning things around. :(

OP - I am so happy for you. It is rare to here stories of someone finding peace after going through this torture.
 

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Sinnister,
The only "jolts" that really fix a sexless marriage are:
- The last child leaves the house, the W decides that she doesn't want to be in a situation where the only other person in the house is very distant to her emotionally due to have been frozen out of the bed.
- The husband de-stabilizes the marriage (and is truly accepting that it may END and his posture calmly conveys that without any flinch) and when the wife starts to engage with him sexually he insists on some honest/open communication regarding her turn ons/turn offs. And he does that because the adrenaline surge of destabilization doesn't last that long, and when it fades, if he is still lacking in the turn ons/and continuing the turn offs, then she will gradually cut them back to where they were. Can't blame someone for stopping an activity they dislike. There are many paths to destabilization.

The quickest and easiest is to rapidly deprioritize your spouse and stop doing loving stuff for them while at the same time keeping that happy/upbeat friendly demeanor with them, the kids and everyone else in your life. But all of this is predicated on the up front acceptance that your spouse may just get more and more aggressive, until they start talking divorce.



Great post MEM. I've been a member of that "I live in a sexless marriage" for years now.

It's a great resource to at least come away knowing you're not alone. The problem is that the very rare instances you get a follow up story it is status quo or the HD spouse had to move on. There are no success stories turning things around. :(

OP - I am so happy for you. It is rare to here stories of someone finding peace after going through this torture.
 

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Discussion Starter #14
Great post MEM. I've been a member of that "I live in a sexless marriage" for years now.

It's a great resource to at least come away knowing you're not alone. The problem is that the very rare instances you get a follow up story it is status quo or the HD spouse had to move on. There are no success stories turning things around. :(

OP - I am so happy for you. It is rare to here stories of someone finding peace after going through this torture.
is it rare, that is sad. That is part of the reason for the thread, to let others know there is life afterwards. I first had to learn that it was not me, I am not some hideous monster in fact I am a very attractive and sexy woman. Then I started dating and was having a great time, the boost to my ego was well and truly needed.

Then the strangest thing happened, I met a man that I just connected with on all levels and particularly sexually. I am learning that a healthy sex life is the key to a solid relationship whereas before I had convinced myself that I could live without it. I am in my 40's and am just now waking up to what a healthy relationship looks and feels like.

MEM11363
thank you for your great posts, I will look up the forum. While I am past the loveless relationship it is something that greatly interests me particularly as I honestly thought it was just me.


Cosmos
The way you have described how you felt is word for word how I did.
 

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I think another thing is also at play as to why you don’t hear more about women in sexless marriages...
Speaking in general terms: A man is expected to tear down the gates and ravage the village. So when he finds those gates barred and reinforced, it is ‘her fault’ she built those walls to thick.

I believe when a woman finds her man isn’t trying to tear down her gates... She looks and wonders why her village isn’t worth ransacking... again creating a ‘its her fault’ perception. Her powers to seduce don’t seem to entice. And well... she is a lot more self-conscious about herself thanks to society, so its oh so easy to spot her own flaws.

So, it is a lot easier to complain and vent onto a forum when its your spouses fault. Not quite so easy if you believe it might be your fault. So men just complain more about it to others.

My story:
Ok, so I turned it around... I went from a nearly sexless marriage (she was the LD), to ‘normal’ and now back to a slump (I’m now the LD). What happened? I can only speak from my side of this story and my thoughts on it....

- They don't work together. Either she refuses the very notion that she should do something she doesn't "feel like doing" and resents being pressured when she "doesn't feel like it",
That is a quick summary of what happened when I wasn’t getting any. I whined and complained (turn-off) and put up the pressure (larger turn-off and resentment). Basically, I put it on a pedestal and did a lot of passive/aggressive when I was denied. That went on for about 7 years.

We ‘fixed it’ when we started working together on this, the marriage, and ourselves again. Unfortunately, the catalyst for that change was her multiple affairs (started long after the nearly sexless stuff). As I’ve worked on me, and generally my perspective... I’ve changed and don’t really see things through my rose colored glasses anymore. She is less attractive because she corrupted our sex life... But that wasn’t enough to drop my libido; not at first. I was still wired to have as much sex as possible (thinking about what I missed out on). Yet, it sort of changed for me: I used to use sex & physical contact as my “love language” and she sort of wrecked it so it is now also kind of a pain of betrayal along with sex. As the internal betrayal has set in (3 years past discovery), sex is... complicated emotionally for me. I stopped making passes as often and the draw are fading embers. She took note I think...

I think she got on the “isn’t my village good enough to plunder” mindset. And she started ‘probing’ along these lines. “Do you think I’m fat? Do you still have mind-movies of me and other men? Do you blah, blah, blah?” She hasn’t tried other ‘seduction’ methods like lingerie because it “makes me look fat”. So now, I get it. Remember how I whined and complained? She is doing the same sort of thing but in a different way. She is basically pointing out all of her flaws and keeping me focused there... In my mind I’m not thinking ‘how hot you are’, I’m thinking “Yes, your thighs are enormous now and those veracious veins are unsightly (and a billion other things she feels she needs my ‘opinion’ on; pointing out all these things on a daily basis).” Enter the turn-offs already damaged by her character and history compounding the problem. So, I’m just not in the mood or feel overwhelming attraction toward her anymore. She’s now getting a version of maintenance sex from me.

And yes, I’ve started becoming a bit more vocal saying things like “You know that doesn’t turn me on right?” As well as a couple large discussions about how her infidelity screwed up how I view and experience sex with her now. I’ve got issues and am working on them; Sad though that something won’t let her help me on that one (shame, guilt, who knows?). We’ve practically swapped places; I get drunk and horny now because in that state, I can think less about it and just have fun.... I’ve also admitted to her that when she is drunk, I am horny thanks to her pavlov dog training (a decade of only being allowed any kind of intimacy was when she was drunk)... Yes... Messed up.

My libido is still there, just as it always was. Just not for her if I get the opportunity to think about why I would want to plunder her village... :(
 

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I can't muster even the pretend interest in what the wife or for that matter most women think about this. Sorry but that's my bottom line. I spent too many decades listening to the agony of being a princess who got what she violently maniacally demanded every time.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
Racer if you don't mind me asking but why do you stay?

I genuinely cared for my ex and still do, we have maintained a good relationship. We were together for 16 years and it is now 2.5 years post separation.
But I had to put an end to it, waking up every morning feeling like doom. Yes I cared about him, the love had been worn down but he is and always was a good man. Eventually I realised that I was worth more so made the break.
 

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Racer if you don't mind me asking but why do you stay?

I genuinely cared for my ex and still do, we have maintained a good relationship. We were together for 16 years and it is now 2.5 years post separation.
But I had to put an end to it, waking up every morning feeling like doom. Yes I cared about him, the love had been worn down but he is and always was a good man. Eventually I realised that I was worth more so made the break.
Logical question.... I don’t really have a logical answer for. I stay because that’s what my gut has continued to tell me to do. I can’t rationalize it like I can for why I should go. I don’t feel ‘bad’ overall, just certain subjects. Overall I’m fairly happy with the direction.... That isn’t to say there aren’t some bumps and buried bodies laying around though.

There are issues that still need resolution both with the marriage and internally with myself. Can you tell?

Is it going to work out? No idea.... work in progress.
I’ve also been married to her 17 years, dated 20, known her for 30+.
 

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Holland,
Has he remarried? Does he have a serious GF?

I was on another board when a fascinating thread popped up. The author of the thread was a very successful woman in her late thirties. I will send you the link.


Racer if you don't mind me asking but why do you stay?

I genuinely cared for my ex and still do, we have maintained a good relationship. We were together for 16 years and it is now 2.5 years post separation.
But I had to put an end to it, waking up every morning feeling like doom. Yes I cared about him, the love had been worn down but he is and always was a good man. Eventually I realised that I was worth more so made the break.
 

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Holland,
Has he remarried? Does he have a serious GF?

I was on another board when a fascinating thread popped up. The author of the thread was a very successful woman in her late thirties. I will send you the link.
MEM we have both re partnered and I am genuinely happy for him. I have let go of the pain of rejection from him for all those years and have since found my inner sexual spirit again after turning it off due. I am a HD woman and am now very connected with a HD man. The pain of feeling like a unattractive woman has gone but I still sometimes wonder why it was the way it was, and yes I know I played my part in it.

The thing that does bug me is that now when we see each other he looks at me like a man looks at a woman they find attractive.

The wicked side of me would love to know if he is more sexually compatible with his new woman, I hope so as I want him to be happy.
 
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