Talk About Marriage banner
Not open for further replies.
1 - 2 of 2 Posts

1 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I am now at work sitting here looking at a blinking cursor, not even knowing where to start. I am at work and am finding myself looking at my phone waiting for a “good morning, I love you” but I don’t think It is going to happen. It is now 7:30am on a Monday morning. I sit here and ask myself how is this happening to us.. The us… The us that has been through so much thick and thin. We should see a marriage counselor about this.. but.. no insurance and funds limited
I guess I can just start at the beginning, almost 10 years ago when we exchanged our vows. She was 21 and I was 26. I am not sure if this is going to help at all but maybe it will get things out in the air.

On May 22, 2006 I married the same person that I was with for almost 4 years. At the time we were married we already were living together and were great friends. We did everything together; we were always in the spot light for our friends and family. People looked at us and saw how much her and I had, worked for and it showed. When you saw us together we were always happy and smiling. She and I were not the “lovey dovey” type but it was fine because she and I knew we had each other.

The following year came upon us and we both wanted the big house, white picket fence, dog and hopefully soon a little one running around. We worked hard and in 2008 we moved from a 1400 sq. foot townhouse to a 2400 sq ft house. Things could not have been going better. She had a great job at a very large company and was VERY well paid. I was working too, but did not make nearly as much money as she did. This was ok because all that mattered is that we had each other.

A few years passed and we now have two very beautiful girls. Our 2 girls are the greatest things in our life and we both cherish each day with them. I never thought I could be the type of father I am now but something changed when my 2nd daughter was born, this change was for the worse. For the past 2 ½ years things have been going downhill.

In the beginning of the 2 ½ years we started to fight a lot more and now that I look at it we have become very incompatible. Her and I are still looking back to see where things went wrong and cannot find it. Has she or I cheated on each other, no. I have become a very family oriented person and I fully admit this. My family is my life. She and I have a lot of friends but when it comes to close friends it is very select. She has 2 or 3 select friends that she can call “close”. I have one that I can call close but do not see that often. As for her friends there is one special one that she can trust with everything. That friend of hers is a female and they can tell everything to each other. The bad part is that she lives 5 hours away. Just for the sake of the letter I will say she lives in North Carolina.

Her friend is very nice and pleasant and is a great friend to my wife. She is a single mother of one and her and my wife hit it off great. One time every few months my wife will drive down to see her and go out and have fun. At this point in our life, my wife is not working and I am the only income. We are making the bills but I guess I can say just barely. (One paycheck we will have $100 left over but the second one we will have $400 left over). Like I said in the beginning of all of this my wife and I use to do and say everything together without hesitation. I feel that her friends have replaced me and now all I am is a husband.. and that’s it.

Now, I would like to back pedal a bit and tell you how it all started to go downhill. But… that’s the problem, we don’t know. My wife Is a stay at home mother of 2. Our oldest is 4 and goes to school from 9am to 3pm and our youngest is 2. Her and I have wonderful relationships with our kids and of course, they are our life. Because my wife is not working she tends to go, which I understand, a little stir crazy being with a child all day. Actually… Waking both up at 730am, getting them both dressed and be out the door to the bus stop to pick up our oldest. From 9am to 3pm she is with our youngest. By the time I get home from work around 4:30pm she has changed a bunch of diapers and pretty much cooked and cleaned up a bit. Her mother lives somewhat close by so she goes over there with the little one often.

(I am starting to notice I am beginning to ramble on… So for that.. sorry..)

Now.. I will say what my screw ups have been in the past. For some reason, which I don’t know why I have been a bit unsecure…. In the past 2 ½ years and that is the reason we have gone pretty much downhill. As mentioned earlier it used to be my wife and I always. Ever since she started to have these close friends I feel like I have been replaced. That HAS leaded to me checking behind her and sometimes her text messages. Yes.. That is wrong but why do I always feel that I have been replaced by someone else.
Last time I checked her email I found an email to her friend saying how she is over it, she can’t do it anymore and is considering a divorce. This exact email is what has put me on guard or several months now.

My wife goes to North Carolina once every 3 months or so.. no special pattern. Why do I feel that something is going on down there? There is a member of a band, let’s call the Acme Band. He is in his late 40’s and let’s say he plays the Drums.. I am not sure why I have felt in the past that there was something going on down there with him. Her and I have spoken about it around 100 times and I am sure that is another reason out relationship is going downhill. We talk about the same thing quiet often and her nor I understand why.

Last week I received a spam email from an old email address of my wife’s. That night I did ask her about it and she did not know anything about it.. I just asked her if she uses any other email address then her regular one, she said no. On Friday I did a search for a email address and found out that she did have one. I saw that as “she lied to me when I asked her about it” To me, that took it all out of me.
I went to the restroom and just looked at myself in the mirror and asked myself what have I done so terrible to deserve this. I approved her, and I admit, I approached her the wrong way.. I did not breath and think before I spoke. I told her I found out about the email address and that she lied to me and I am leaving. She then informed me that’s he created that email last week to see if I was checking on her and she then said I was. I felt like a dumb ass.. Number 1 for checking to see if she had a email address and 2 for blowing up the way I did. At that time she informed me that she can’t do this anymore and that for the past 2 ½ years everything has been going downhill. I walked out, drove for about 2 minutes and stopped. I looked at myself in the mirror and saw the woman I married almost 10 years ago slipping from me… actually .. Slipped from me.

People ask why did I Marry her? I say the same thing every time but the list gets longer.
She is the light of my life, she can stand up for herself, her smile brightens my day, she is strong willed, she never gives up what she believes in, I TRUST HER WITH EVERYTHING and most of all she is who she is and never tried to be anyone else.

Trust.. a very strong word there.. Last night, when she looked at me and told me she can’t do this anymore, she told me two things.. Those words actually ripped my heart out and stomped on it.
“I don’t trust you anymore” and.. “Why is it when we go out we always have to have friends”. My response was I thought that you liked when it’s us and other people.. Her response.. “Don’t you see it then.. Maybe we can’t have fun unless other people are around.”

She mentioned trust because of me looking at her text messages and checking her email before.
She mentioned going out with the other friends too because I thought she had fun when it was other people.. you know the old saying,.. the more the merrier.

On to our sex life.. When we first met our sex life was great. After we had our first daughter there was a brief pause for a few months. A few years later when we had our second child, there really has not been any sex life. I am thinking maybe once every few weeks. This time it might have gone past a month already. She tells me she is just not in the mood. I have tried everything to get her in the mood. From being a romantic to being straight forward. I took the 50 shades of grey approach (which I am sure every woman has read) to the slow and sensual approach. I even made an entire evening, a few times, devoted to nothing but her. I told her to go relax and do whats he wants and I would take the kids somewhere. Before I got home with the kids I called and asked her to take a hot bath. When I got home with the girls, we both had 30 minutes to put them to bed. After they were in bed I went and got her favorite ice cream. She said ever since she had our last child, the mood has been gone. I have received no complaints from her in bed at all. She always goes atleast 2 to 4 times. Little 4play… lots of 4play.. what ever she desires… still no sex life.

a lot for the times I tell her not to do any cleaning or anything. I tend to do all the dishes and clean when she is gone out somewhere. When she gets home.. there is nothing to do. I have done everything for her with nothing in mind but to please her…

In closing.. All I want is my wife to be able to look at me again. Last night, as talked about above, was a major fall out and I jumped to conclusions and should not have. I would not have thought she would create an email address just to see if I would check to see if there was an email address created. I did not check her email but checked on her to see if there was truth. I accept responsibility.. I SCREWED UP. Please.. im sorry. Now I just sit here.. it is 2:00pm and I have not eaten since yesterday…. And I just cant.

1,945 Posts
Sorry you are here & hurting so badly. This is a great forum for support - make sure you read other threads.

It sounds like you are afraid that your wife is cheating. The secret email account is suspicious & her reason doesn't add up.

Do you consider yourself the jealous type if you felt secure about your marriage?

You also bought a big house during the height of the recession when your wife was working. She is very lucky to be able to stay home with your children in such a nice home. Do you both appreciate each other?

I guess if you are worried about the drummer in NC, you can start monitoring her cell, texts, emails & FB. Read the CWI forum here for advise on how to do that.

Look for free or reduced counseling in your area. Even if you have to make payments it is worth going to.
1 - 2 of 2 Posts
Not open for further replies.