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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
"It's been a year. Get over it!" this is the comment my husband makes when I say something about the affairs. I just can't get over it. It's such a long story, but will try to make it short .

On June 4th, 2011, I saw the light and realized my husband was cheating. Although he denied anything more than making phone calls to 3 different women. He said that I don't have any proof other then the phone records. That was until Sept. 13th, 2011. I got a long Facebook message from his ex-GF detailing all of their encounters. Their PA had been going on since Dec. 2008 (3.5 years long). She lives in France but would fly here for weeks at a time and spend them with him. He was in consulting so would be out of town during the week then come home on the weekeds. About 5 to 6 times a year she would fly to the states and stay with him all week. I just about had a nervous breakdown when I read all the details of their affair. He came home and said how sorry he was. He didn't ever want me to find out. He called it off with her months before this and she was angry so that is why she told me about the affair.

After I found out about her, I did a little digging and found out about 2 other women. On June 4th 2011, he went out with friends and didnt come home that night. I called for about an hour every ten minutes from 4:30 am til 5:35 am. Thinking he got in an accident since he didn't call or come home. He finally answered saying he was so drunk he couldn't drive home and crashed at his friends house. He said he would be on his way home after he got a cup of coffee to help him wake up. About 10 minutes after he left for home he got a text from an number I didn't recognize (I checked our cell phone records). I also say that his friend called him at 2am...the friend he said he spent the night with at his house. I started asking questions "why would Frank call you at 2am if you were with him." and "who sent you a text at 5:58am" He explained everything and told me he gave his number to a woman he met that night at the club. He said they had good conversation and didn't think it was a big deal. Oh it was a big DEAL to me. I told him to tell her to stop contact. He said he'd call and tell her. I said I would call and he said no don't, but it was too late. I called and she pretended not to know what I was talking about. She didn't know my husband. She said she was out of town....all a bunch of BS. I told my husband to end all contact or else. He said ok. That was the first week of June. Fastforward to Oct. 2011 I found out that he remained in contact with this woman, and that he was screwing her from Jun. to Oct. 2011. She lives in the same city that he works in so all those late nights at work were actually time he spent with her. They would book a hotel and have their fun. I just couldn't take it and was ready to pack his stuff and get a divorce. Once again he said he was sorry and that he doen't want a divorce and he will do what ever it takes. Yada yada yada. He promised no contact with her but then he made a call to her Christmas Eve 2011. 5 days before our trip out of the country. I almost cancelled the trip but I couldn't get the airline miles back on my acct so I went. There were so many emotions going on that the trip wasn't what I planned it would be. He said he had a weak moment that's why he called her and he needed to hear from her that she was done with him so he could hate her and not want to go back. :mad: Another load of BS.

The third woman he denies doing anything with although he said he would have if she wanted to. She lives out of state where he would travel for business and it's his friend's GF's friend. He did have a picture of her in his cell phone and there were long conversations between them but to this day he denies anything going on with her. She is married and has her own business so I doubt he would want to let it out that anything happend for fear it would ruin her life. The other 2 women were not married, both were already divorced.

Ok so here I am today. I have no trust! He gave me the password on his phone, but not to his email and Facebook. He doesn't stay late at work like he use to, and if he does he calls and says I can call his work number to check if I want. He said he is done with the affairs. He says "It's been a year and to get over it." I just can't get over it. We have 4 children together ages 10, 8, 6 and 5. He is a great father and loves spending time with them. It would break their hearts not to have their father here. He makes all the money about 125k a year. I have been home with the kids for 10 years although I have a master's degree in bilogical sciences. I own our home with my parents. He is not on the title. We own 1 vehicle outright and we make payments on his mercedes. I battle everyday with leaving or staying. I don't know how I can make it on my own with 4 kids. I want to go back to college and get a 2nd master's in Nursing when my youngest is in school all day which is another year away. We have been married 8 years, been together 11 years. How do you just erase everything and start fresh? I have no self-esteem, I let myself go. I am in IC. We tried MC but he is doesn't really want to go. He only went because I gave him an ultimatum. I just don't know how to proceed. I am lost and confused. I always said I would be out the door if he cheated. He knew that! We would get in conversations about it and he would say "get with the times", "men see sex as just sex it doesn't mean anything". I would always end our conversations with well if I ever find out you're cheating we are done. Yet here I am....still here. I need to find the courage to either let it go and try to start over or just leave and start fresh. This limbo is killing me. I'm on an emotional roller coaster and it's not good for me or my children.
 

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It takes 2-5 years to recover from a betrayal, and that only if both spouses are giving it 100%, with the WS doing the heavy lifting.

This crap about his telling you to get over it already is pure rug sweeping and shows NO REMORSE. You cannot R if your WH is not remorseful.

 

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I am so sorry you're here. Nothing anyone can say will erase the pain you are experiencing. You know that he is a liar and a cheat and that his previous promises to you have been meaningless. His "get over it" comments are an indication of his remorse (or should I say the lack of remorse)

If you remain in this relationship under these circumstances, nothing will have changed. I recommend you file for divorce. At least having him served will show him the seriousness of your resolve. If he doesn't do the heavy lifting in the interval between filing and settlement, feel lucky to be rid of him. You will get child support and likley spousal support for a time and perhaps can pursue your nursing degree to improve your financial situation. These are hard decisions; but, life will be better for it.
 

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"It's been a year. Get over it!" this is the comment my husband makes when I say something about the affairs. I just can't get over it. It's such a long story, but will try to make it short .

I am in IC. We tried MC but he is doesn't really want to go. He only went because I gave him an ultimatum.

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We would get in conversations about it and he would say "get with the times", "men see sex as just sex it doesn't mean anything".
The combination of what he's saying to you is that his cheating wasn't a big deal. His reasons apparently are, 'Men will be men.They get out of control when they're horny and they might even f*ck the first animate thing they see. So get out of the way!'

That is a load of crock, and I'm here to tell you that there are plenty of men who are faithful to the very end and would never violate their vows, and who would be insulted by his stereotype (which is really just an excuse he hopes you'll believe).

I'm sorry to say this, but serial cheaters are very, very bad news. And this guy has apparently carried on multiple affairs simultaneously, if I understand you correctly because there's some overlap there in your dates. In essence, he also cheated on his affair partners. Believe it or not, although plenty of people cheat, many times they would never cheat with anyone else (including their spouse!! so they deny them sex) out of a misguided kind of loyalty. But your husband didn't even bother with that.

He sounds like he thinks he's entitled to cheat because he feels like it, and he's entitled to not have to listen to you whine about it. This is pure armchair psychology (so not worth much) but usually this kind of entitlement = massive self-centeredness = narcissism. True narcissists don't really see the point of changing, because why mess around with perfection?

I'm glad you're in individual counseling. What does your therapist have to say about him?
 

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Definitely a serial cheater, and it's a hard habit to break. No access to FB and email? Seriously? Red flag.

And calling him at work when he works late? Call forwarding will send your call to his cell phone and you won't know the difference.

Only if it's complete open access and marriage counseling will you have any chance.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
The combination of what he's saying to you is that his cheating wasn't a big deal. His reasons apparently are, 'Men will be men.They get out of control when they're horny and they might even f*ck the first animate thing they see. So get out of the way!'

That is a load of crock, and I'm here to tell you that there are plenty of men who are faithful to the very end and would never violate their vows, and who would be insulted by his stereotype (which is really just an excuse he hopes you'll believe).

I'm sorry to say this, but serial cheaters are very, very bad news. And this guy has apparently carried on multiple affairs simultaneously, if I understand you correctly because there's some overlap there in your dates. In essence, he also cheated on his affair partners. Believe it or not, although plenty of people cheat, many times they would never cheat with anyone else (including their spouse!! so they deny them sex) out of a misguided kind of loyalty. But your husband didn't even bother with that.

He sounds like he thinks he's entitled to cheat because he feels like it, and he's entitled to not have to listen to you whine about it. This is pure armchair psychology (so not worth much) but usually this kind of entitlement = massive self-centeredness = narcissism. True narcissists don't really see the point of changing, because why mess around with perfection?

I'm glad you're in individual counseling. What does your therapist have to say about him?

Based on my meetings with my theapist she seems to think he is an excitement seeker. He sees women on the street and thinks about what they would be like in bed. He goes thru periods of just want to watch porn and pleasure himself and then there are periods of time he just wants me (or should a I say a warm pu**y). He is constantly checking himself out. Said if he gets anymore grey/white hairs he's gonna shave is head bald. Always wearing the latest styles and into fashion. He drives a mercedes and thinks he's all that. I don't know if it's partly a midlife crisis or something that was triggered by his higher pay bracket, but things have changed with him in the last 5 years.

He is not from this country and in his culture men do have multiple women/wifes. So it is something he grew up with, but with that being said he knows that I grew up with a father that cheated on my mother and he knows that I would never tolerate that. We had 2 children before we got married so I didn't want to get married if he wasn't going to be faithful. He knew that. Many many conversations about this and that I would leave if I ever found him cheating. Now I feel like I caved in..I'm still here. I'm sure it would still be going on if I didn't know about it. The only reason why he cut it off with his ex-GF in France was because she was pressuring him to leave me for her. She said "the only reason that his is still with you is because of the kids."
 

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That is something I haven't seen discussed very much on these forums, which is, what if your spouse culturally doesn't take marriage vows seriously. He sounds like he understood your position, but now that he's arrived at a certain age, it seems to me that he's decided he's entitled to the same thing that perhaps his father or other male relatives engaged in. In certain of those cultures, the wives have little to no economic power, so they can despise the cheating, but they have little ability to stop it.

Based on that, not sure I'd classify him as an excitement seeker. Again, this all comes back to entitlement. Someone who really doesn't see anything wrong with cheating isn't going to stop. I know you know this. I just wish there was another answer.

He can still be a great dad even if he's not married to you. I know that's cold nasty leftovers as far as you're concerned. But he may be able to be a good co-parent even though he couldn't be a good husband.
 

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This guy definitely has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) traits. There's no cure for that unfortunately. He'll never change.

He'll shave his head bald if he gets any more gray hairs? Seriously? ROFL LMAO. I agree with you. He really is full of himself.

And I agree with iheartlife. I'm a man who's insulted by this type of individual. He reminds me of my Dad, who was almost exactly like that and a serial cheater to boot.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
I think that is part of the problem. I just don't think he sees anything wrong with cheating. To him it's not a big deal. But come on it's not like he is having sex with random ppl here and there. He carried on a 3.5 year affair with an ex-GF that wanted more from him. She would have been happy to be a 2nd wife. The OW that lives near his work, knew he was married and didn't care she thought he would leave me for her too. He said he would never "leave" me for another wowan. He just wanted to have his fun and f*uck these women with any attachment to them. But they are women so they need some sort a attachment to keep them satisfied. So he would create a bond with them to keep the sex going with them.

He has other issues though. He wants to see me with another man. No strings attached. He fantasizes about it. I'm not into that. I don't want a swinging type marraige and he would be all for that. So I guess, I know what I should do. I just don't know why I haven't. I guess insecurity, low self-esteem, fear of being alone.

I don't think he is doing anyone atm because I am watching him like a hawk. But he hate that I am monitoring him. He feels he has no privacy and said this can't go on that I need to find something else to do with my time than check phone records and worry about what he is doing. I am sure he will go back to his ways. We have taked about us being divorced and he said "he would have fun in the beinging but as he gets older he will would want to be with one person". It seems as if he would want me to close my eyes for 5 years and let him do what he wants then after that he would be faithful. Whatever that's not gonna happen.
 

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He'll shave his head bald if he gets any more gray hairs? Seriously? ROFL LMAO. I agree with you. He really is full of himself.
lordmayhem, not everyone is blessed with a lush, full head of hair like you are.

But seriously, I'm not so sure about full blown NPD. I say that because if from birth you were taught that polygamy / mistresses were perfectly okay, and you didn't see a lot of negative repercussions for the women (because divorce in such cultures is often frowned upon), you might just think that there's nothing really wrong with it. So you wouldn't need to get to the same mental state as most Americans, many of whom were taught that this behavior was lower than low.

But I suspect you (lordmayhem) saw a lot of negative repercussions--and hence your own personal disgust (?)
 

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We have taked about us being divorced and he said "he would have fun in the beinging but as he gets older he will would want to be with one person". It seems as if he would want me to close my eyes for 5 years and let him do what he wants then after that he would be faithful. Whatever that's not gonna happen.
What are you doing to keep this from happening? Right now?

This guy sounds like a real piece of work. Why are you still with him?
 

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And let me take another guess: He DOESN'T like being seen in public with you and your 4 kids. You rarely if ever, go out as a family, and if you do, he either makes you go first with the kids and he follows later, or he goes ahead alone and you and the kids follow him afterwards.
No, we go out together. He's not afraid to be seen with me and the kids. Although lately he has been making comments on my weight. I have kinda let myself go and I am not happy about that. He does say I need to become healthier for my own sake and for my own happiness, but it is something that I know he is bothered by. Our children are beautiful...3 of them model for Kohl's regularly and we get comments about our children all the time from strangers. So he is happy to do things with us as a family. Maybe it gives him some satisfaction that he can make beautiful children. Even his OW would comment that he makes beautiful kids. Stupid me for making my Facebook open to friends of friends. All the OW could see everything I was posting.
 

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I think she just said he'd be all for it :(
Behind his back though. For people who have this fantasy, it's important that they have control of it. Therefore, they need to be witness. I was asking what his reaction would be if she had other men on the side like he does with women
 
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