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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
First post here. I have been reading this site now for a few months and really have enjoyed the site thus far.

My wife and I have been married for over 10 years now and with two kids (9 and 7). Long story short, we have not had sex since the summer of '07!:( We have not been really a couple for several years now, and I have been on the couch since fall of '08. We both love our kids and raise them well. We communicate well with regards to our kids, but just not to each other.

We have tried the marriage counsel thing and nothing really came out of it. I have tried to talk to her about our lack of sex and other issues and we always seem to get into an argument without getting anywhere.

Any advice?
 

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Why have you been on the couch ?
Is your wife resentful about anything?

What's the rest of your relationship like?

Do you cave to keep the peace?

What is your argument style? Yelling? Ignoring ?

Does she nag you?

What are the main sources of contention for you both ?
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Sorry Op but it sounds like your marriage has been dead for 5...going on 6 years.

What has happened to make you post here today?
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Trying to answer both post at the same time...

Why post now....kids went to bed early! LOL... Really has been on my mind for a while.

Resentful, I am sure that she is. About what, I am guessing that I live my own life and she hers. We are just raising the kids.

The rest of our relationship is OK...just civil.

Do I cave to keep the peace...yes!

We used to yell at eachother but now, it is just that I am sick of you kind of arguments.

Does she nag? Not too much. That I do not mind.
 

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OP...wow, man. '07?!! There was a cat here who was 3 years without and I was blown away.

My first comment is - try another marriage counselor if you truly want your marriage to work.

My second comment is - if you think you're staying together for your kids, it's never a good move. Don't you think the kids wonder why mom and dad don't hug and kiss each other or smile and laugh with each other...OR GO TO THE SAME BEDROOM?!!

Even at those ages, they can feel it. My kids are 10 & 7. They know when my wife and I are having a tough day even though we do our utmost to shield them from it.

Why on earth are you on the couch and how do you continue to live this way?

Do you want to be married? Like really?!!
 

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Man up and take control!

It is your house and your bed. You will sleep there. If she doesn't like it she can go sleep somewhere else.

You sound like you need to read No More Mr. Nice Guy by R. Glover. Go visit the forums at nomoremrniceguy.com/forums for some good support.

I stayed for my kids and I agree it is the wrong move almost every time. Chances are your situation is not unusual, so chances are it is wrong to stay.

Your marriage is between you and your wife. Your kids have nothing to do with it. Either the marriage is good enough or it is not. Obviously your marriage is not good enough because you are not having any kind of close emotional or sexual relationship. You are sharing the chores and sharing the parenting. You could do the same thing if you were divorced or if you were total strangers.

It is time to fix or end your marriage. Your kids are learning by watching you, and they will end up repeating your mistakes when they get married. I guarantee it.
 

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Mr. Used, please listen to Mr. SomedayDig's post above. It's a good advice for your own good. It is obvious that the two of you are better off as business partners (with the business of raising emotionally healthy children) rather than being husband and wife.
 

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Try this.

Before she gets up and goes to the kitchen, have flowers in a vase with a romantic card waiting, saying how much you love her and wish her a great day.

Cuddle with her on the couch, under a blanket, your arm around here and don't expect or push for sex and watch a tv show you both would like to view.

Call a babysitter and surprise her with a dinner out, movie, walking by the beach, talking about life and holding her hand.

Before you leave for work, give her a back rub.

If you're home before she is (she works?), have her favorite dinner ordered in before she gets home.

When she asks you a question, what do you want, always tell her what you want and never say, whatever, doesn't matter.

Be the captain of the ship and she is your first mate.

Never beg for sex, only initiate and if she isn't in the mood, do something else without getting mad.

Never cave in to her and always stand up for yourself.

Don't be a nice guy but not a jerk either.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Thanks Cuddlebug. My only thought is once I even start doing something nice or out of the ordinary, she knows something is up.

My question is, how does one go about bring up the question about sex with their wife?
 

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..My question is, how does one go about bring up the question about sex with their wife?
Mr. Used,

In your original post, you said :

We have tried the marriage counsel thing and nothing really came out of it. I have tried to talk to her about our lack of sex and other issues and we always seem to get into an argument without getting anywhere.
Therefore, it is a proof that your wife doesn't think your sexual needs as something important worth to be attended to.

You said you have tried counselling and it doesn't work.

By withdrawing sex from you, your wife has neglected your important need, and that's NOT what a good wife are supposed to be doing.

You want to stay with a bad wife for the rest of your life?

She is a good mother you said? But isn't she your WIFE too? aren't she supposed to be good mother AND good wife too?

Let's forget the fact that she's the mother of your children for a while.. Oops, scratch that. She could _still_ be the mother of your children WITHOUT being your wife.

Don't listen to any nutcase whom are saying that your needs are not important. They are EQUALLY important compared to your wife's needs and your children's needs. Your children need a father, If all your efforts to have a good marriage fails, you could still attend to your children's needs without having to be your wife's husband. You are still their legal and biological father!

When they grow up, they will understand.

Good luck!
 

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Used to know - ya know quite often the very thing that scares us the most is the ONE thing we must confront.

This HUGE elephant in your bedroom needs to be addressed! Ignoring it sure hasn't worked.

Can ANY reaction from your wife be any worse than the previous 6 sexless years OR the 20-30 years of sexless marriage ahead of you both.

Don't be scared off by her anger... I'm sure she's only defensive because she knows it's just wrong to expect this of her husband/spouse. Stand your ground because this IS important!

No-one gets married expecting to live a sexless life.

Do you know if any one incident or occurence started this 'no-sex' stand? Abuse, infidelity? Or did the sex just fade away slowly?

What HAS she said about the issue?

Is there any chance of cuddles/affection? What does she do if you touch her in any way? Is she at all responsive? Does she ever reach out to you?

Please do love yourself enough to do something about this now... or things will never change. You wife seems happy with the status quo...so YOU must be the one to bring this issue to the discussion table. Be brave! You deserve to have sex and affection and love in your marriage.

I do wonder if after so very long if you might need a sex therapist to get you both engaging and connecting.
 

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I guess my perspective would be that it doesn't sound like much of a marriage period, sex or not.

Do you love this woman? Do you even want to be married to her?

I think you need to do some real soul-searching. You can still be a great father and not be married.
 

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Man up and take control!
I second this. Try NMMNG or MMSL books. The goal is to improve yourself to what probably got you noticed by her in the first place.

Now for the bad news. She is getting it from somewhere else or has a medical condition.
 

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Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results.
 
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start snooping.I smell a rat.

or just buck up and file for divorce.

tell her its time to get your marriage back on track or you want a divorce. quit pu$$y footing around this is your one and only life don't waste it.
 
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As a woman, I cant imagine that she is happy with this either. Have you ever done anything to hurt her in some way? I ask this because I would never want to live like that, but I would hold back if my husband had ever cheated on me or if my trust for him was gone. I can so see me doing that.

Have there been any other changes since the two of you were last together? Weight gain, or anything like that, that may cause either one of you to not be attracted to each other any more? Maybe an illness?

Could there be someone else that she is seeing? She may not need that from you if she is getting it somewhere else.
 

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I used to sleep on the couch because I had trouble sleeping. I thought I was doing the right thing because I was not disturbing her why I was watching tv. I didn't realize this was wrecking my marriage for a few years. My wife needed the time before bed to talk and be heard to get her needs met.
 
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