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Hi all, my relationship has been a little bumpy lately...
Here's the story.
I'm 20, almost 21. He's 22, almost 23. He works around 50 hour weeks, retail, I mostly just stay at home, but I'm part time self-employed. We've been together for about two and a half years. I'm bipolar and not on any meds as I don't have health care and can't afford it. I have done a lot of growing from the beginning of our relationship.

I feel like I might be falling out of love with him. However, he treats me so well and will make a wonderful husband some day so I don't just want to up and leave and miss out on this great guy.
I haven't been treating him the best recently and I know that. It's mostly because I feel how far away I've pulled. I feel extremely guilty about it. I feel pretty guilty about a lot of things. I'll just start from the beginning

We met working for the same company and we were both young, he was living with his parents, I with mine. My step dad went to jail, my mother was not financial stable therefore we lost our place. I had no where else to go and his parents allowed me to move in with them. This was within the first two months we were dating.

We had a really good start to our relationship but things got a bit rocky after a few months. He did a lot of pot smoking(I'm just going to be brutally honest here about myself and what I did). I gave him an ultimatum me, or the pot, he picked me, we moved on. A couple months later he started hanging out with his friends... A LOT. Some where around 3-6/7 days a week. Now, I didn't mind him hanging out with his friends, but I also wanted time for us. I didn't even care if it was while it was with his friends, I just wanted time with him. But whenever I wanted to hang out with him and his friends it was always, "a guys night". Obviously after a couple months of this I wasn't doing so hot and I was crying all of the time. We started doing a lot of fighting over it and he was distancing himself a lot. Eventually we broke up for a while, I moved in with a friend of mine.

During the time we were broken up, he continued to hang out with his friends and started smoking pot again. I chased after him for months trying to get him back and I did a lot of hurting and a lot of crying. We were still sexual about once a week as it was the only way I could see him and get attention from him. He did a lot of terrible things (emotionally) to me.. After about three months of constantly chasing him and doing anything I could to get him back, I gave up. About two weeks later he caved and came back to me. Everything changed. Our roles had practically reversed.

By this time I had just about removed myself emotionally from him and moved into my own apartment that I lived in by myself. I had also quit my retail job and got a job stripping. He wasn't a fan of it, but there wasn't much he could do since I didn't really have another choice. However, he had gone back to the way he was at the beginning and was doing everything he could to turn what he had done around. When he came back I demanded he quit smoking pot, cigarettes, and to quit speaking to a female coworker outside of work that I had always been jealous of. (They worked closely together and frequently texted and talked). He did what I asked and we moved on.
Things never went back to how they used to be for me. I never felt like I really needed him in my life ever since.

It's been a year and a few months since we got back together and here's what happened since...
Some of my guy friends have kissed me drunkly at parties (though I never kissed back, honestly). I always tell him, but of course it hurts him. Except for recently it happened, one of my guy friends kissed me and I didn't tell my SO this time. Every time one of my friends had done that, he banned me from speaking to them... but this was one of my BEST FRIENDS, the one who let me live with him when we broke up, the one who was always there for me. He had never made a move on me before and he was really drunk so I figured I wouldn't tell him.
Anyways, I have stopped stripping and am now doing fetish stuff (selling panties, selling photos, domination, foot stuff, etc). It makes him uncomfortable, but he'd rather me be doing that than stripping. Over the past year and some-odd-months, every few weeks I'll doubt our relationship... While sometimes I feel myself falling back in love with him and getting closer, there are a lot of times I feel myself drifting away.

The thing is, we're really different, we like to solve problems in different ways, he's a home-body, and I like to go out and have fun sometimes. He enjoys watching TV/Movies, I don't enjoy that at all. He does a lot of drinking by myself, I only like to drink socially with friends. I know he works a lot and he's busy, but I'd like to go out once a week or once every other week even. I've spoken about this with him but I never seem to get any where. I'm asexual, he's very sexual and doesn't understand that about me.
The past few months we've been fighting a lot over different things. Sometimes it's that I don't respect him (which I couldn't disagree, I was being really disrespectful for a while.. not on purpose, but on accident.), like how he doesn't ever help out around the apartment EVER (I do all of the cleaning, all of the taking care of the animals [two cats, one dog, had two ferrets but I got rid of them because it was too overwhelming] laundry, bills, etc).. We've been talking less and I've been spending a lot of time on the computer.
I've found myself in an online-EA. (my online guy doesn't know about my real SO) It was an accident, I started playing SC 2 online (obviously my intention was not to develop a crush on some one.) I told my SO I had developed a crush on someone and it got him a little upset, which is perfectly understandable. But I feel like this happened because I'm losing feelings for my SO.. so I almost broke up with him, but he said he wanted to work it out, maybe go to counseling. So I stayed.. The next day he told me he didn't care if I continued to speak with this guy, so long as it didn't make me doubt our relationship.

Long story short, this online relationship is moving a lot faster than I intended and my RL relationship is falling apart but my RL SO doesn't realize it.

What I'm getting at here is, I'd really like to stay in this relationship because he means a lot to me and he's really good to me. He'd do anything for me. But I'm not sure how to get those old feelings back. I'm also really liking this online guy and he makes me feel good. I know breaking contact with him will help my RL relationship, but I'm not sure how long this real relationship is going to last anymore.
I feel like I've emotionally abused my SO and I feel like he can do better than me. Some one can love him better and he's just clouded by the feelings he feels for me.
I want to make it work but I'm not sure I can. I think what he did to me before and during out break up permanently damaged how I feel toward him and I'll never be able to truly get all of those feelings back.
Any advice?
 

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Step one separate your personal life from your sexual and emotional life... Come back when you manage that

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