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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello,

I've been lurking for a few days just reading through the stories, so many are very similar, so it'll be nice to share with people who have been through the same ordeal.

I was married very young, I was 24(I'm 29 now) and she was 22 at the time. Both of us graduated college and moved onto careers, and we're already looking into things like buying a house, kids, etc. The thing is that I never saw any of the warning signs, she was not distant, she did not withhold sex and we always we're trying new ways to keep it interesting, she did not pick fights, In our two year relationship prior to marraige she gave me no reason not to trust her. Maybe thats why it came out of the blue, because her and the OM had to have been building this for a while without me seeing the signs.

The OM was at the time one of my best friends, I actually met her through him. She was invited over by a mutual friend and instantly we hit it off. Of course the OM and her always stayed in contact due to our circle of friends, but nothing ever that would even constitute flirting, besides the making fun of eachother that we all did on a daily basis(which most close social groups seem to do). When things changed was apparently the day my mom died, I live in the midwest and she lived in Florida at the time. She and my mom we're never really close, and she had some important interviews so I went alone to take care of the estate for a week.

Apparently the first night I was away they all got together, drinks we're had and they we're flirting all night, which ended up with her going back to his place and sealing the deal. I wasn't in a great state mentally when I got home, but even then her attitiude towards me didn't seem to change. And apparently they began to see eachother over long lunch breaks, or instead of going to the gym she was at his house.

It was actually the OM that broke it, over a couple of months apparently the guilt got to him and he confessed, and myself not believing it he sent me a few of their text conversations. With the passing of my mother and this on top of things, I don't even remember being angry. Its like I just shut myself off. So I decided to confront her.

Her reaction still shocks me to this day, I expected her to attempt to make this my fault but she went overboard. I believe she was deliberatly trying to hurt me, make me feel less so she could feel better about herself. Saying She loves him more in three months then she did in the two years, she deserves to be with someone like him, he is bigger and better in the bedroom department, and how she was just settling for me. I exposed her on myspace(2007, it was still around). Let her parents know, who we're furious with her as they always liked me. After She said those things I refused to let her stay with me, asked her to leave and that she can pick her things up at a future date.

The OM decided to end it with her as well. In which she also took that out on me, saying I was intentionally ruining her future, etc. I didn't even know who she was anymore, I didn't understand why this happened or who this person was. We got an annulment since it was only a couple months in, thanks to her parents she didn't fight over anything.

I pretty much cut her off completely, but I caught mind that she starting dating right away, and now is actually engaged. I don't really see the OM anymore either, just a sick feeling I get around him even though he's tried to repair things the best he could.

I guess the hardest part is I haven't recovered.

Its been four years and I'm bitter, I read through sites of women cheating, I live in a bar town and my current roommate who is the player type is bringing home women night after night, most of them taken or Married. I can't look or even speak with a woman without thinking that she is full of it, is disgusted by me, or wants my roommate. And even when I did, I'm afraid of being intimate with a woman because of the things she said stayed with me, I don't feel like a man anymore, I'm small and useless in bed, so I have no confidence left and its been two years since I've been with anyone.

I've been in and out of jobs for the last few years, seen several therapists, tried medications, I do the things I'm supposed to like work on myself, I'm in good shape now, but I think my lack of confidence must stick out like a sore thumb since I never get talked too. Yet I can't shake it, the emptiness, the jelousy, the anger, the bitterness.

I guess its good to just get it out.
 

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What kind of therapists have you seen? How long did you see each?
What did the therapists say?

Have you seen your MD for depression? If not, you should. There are some good meds for depression. But the one thing you should do right now is lose your roomie.

The constant exposure to the cheating going on in your shared room will only keep reminding you of the vile wh0re you were married to and reinforce your low opinion of women in general.

All women, even most women are not that way. There are plenty of wonderful women that share your values. But fix yourself before you try to find a relationship.
 

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There is a member that may have some suggestion to help you. His name is Morituri. You can Search for his name and send him a PM. He had a traumatic cheating situation with his wife.

He recovered and found love. You can too. Right now you are floundering but reaching out here is one of many steps you can take to regain your equilibrium.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Mostly Talk therapy, which I'm not sure if it was that helpful but maybe it helped to just be able to share my thoughts, tried to get me to take part in activities that I found enjoyable like various sports programs, boating, fishing, hiking, just get me back to things that I did for myself. Only tried one medication which was Paxil right after it happened which didn't seem to change all that much, plus I started having thyroid problems so they thought it would be best I stay off the medications until they had that sorted out. And honestly I've never been back on them, And due to my lack of good health insurance currently my options for continuing therapy and various medications is decently limited to what I can afford out of pocket.

I know I need to find a new place, I am constantly exposed to to most likely only the shallow side of women with my roommate. But he is my best friend and over the last three years I can't think of one person who had honestly invested more in helping me then this guy.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Depression is something I've dealt with since I was honestly single digits in age, so Its nothing new to me. But its pretty obvious I'm in a very dark depression, I just don't have many days where I look back and think I was happy.

Weepy crap I know, but I'm just hoping if I keep working I'll find some positive.
 

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Ok, then, sans medication, the #1 relief for depression, which you do seem to have is EXERCISE.

How are you exercising? How much each week?

And did you ever do what your therapist said (who was right, btw) about getting out and taking up activities again?
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
No reconcile with her if thats what you meant, shes engaged and moved off somewhere. Don't care really.

I do exersize, 4x a week doing mostly heavy weight training, although every other day I'll throw in 20 minutes of cardio work as well. Never got too much for results until I started really packing on the whey protein and a heavy protein diet, now I seem to be adding some lean muscle. Downside of my thyroid is that Its really hard to get a cut midsection when your body loves to retain fat.

I think my roommate is making me a little counterproductive in this department, he is a very good looking guy, worked out for 8 years and women will literally kiss him if he asks(I've seen it). And this isn't who I am at all, I'm not a one night stand guy, I'd be happy just to meet someone and have a good discussion about sports, or current events. But he does expose me to shallow women who only seem to judge you based on face value.

I just hope not all women view men in the shallow ways I hear them talk.
 

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Women that don't view men in a shallow light you will never see your roomate bring back home with them as they are not the easy type he is looking for.

There are good women out there. But you need to ditch your player of a roomate. That environment is not good for mental well being! No wonder you are in a funk - you are constantly exposed to a "cheaters" environment.

Get out of there man....
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
I think I might just need a new city as well. I live in a college bar town, and the only thing to do, and the only way to meet people. We all know what you find at bars most of the time. This city is one giant cheaters environment.
 

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Just remember that everything your ex-wife said was said in anger and lies. She was "in love" with the OM (your former best friend) yet he dumped her - so what kind of "love" was that? She was seriously deluded.

Cheating on you after such a short period is the sign of a seriously flawed person. She is and was broken. And again - why would you worry about what a fcked up person like her thinks? You are better than that.

You are far better off without her. Believe it.
 

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I just hope not all women view men in the shallow ways I hear them talk.
Trust me, they don't. Guys like that are for having fun with. But lots of girls want someone to get serious with. My DD22 has a checklist, to date someone: can't play guitar, can't be a smoker, can't be a jock, must be getting at least a Bachelors degree, and must have a love for learning new stuff.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Cedarman I agree, I didn't question myself after I kicked her out. I somehow in two years never saw this side of her, I'm not sure how I missed it. I don't really miss her, but what killed me was just how easy it seemed for her to hurt me, put me down, and make me feel like nothing.

What do I like to do? Believe it or not I am a social person, I like parties, concerts, sporting events, I'm a foodie, traveling, huge Packers and Brewers fan, I play dodgeball at the local YMCA and help run the kids version, I play guitar and am part of a local band, I have no shortage of things to do. Just for whatever reason There is always something there when I go to sleep, and when i wake up.
 

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On the bright side, you didn't invest years and years with this woman and have her children. She did you a favor by showing her true colors early on.

Good riddance. You seem like a sweet guy, but you need to up your confidence. Develop some swagger. Dress really nice, be confident, and don't go hunting for women. Do what you love to do - live your life. When you are out there living YOUR life, having fun, not thinking about her or other women, that's when you'll meet some cool ladies.

Your ex is seriously damaged goods. You are not. Be thankful she's not poisoning your life any more. Get out and live your life, for you. Good things will come to you.

:)
 

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OC, yours is one of the saddest tales of betrayal that I've read here.

Have you ever thought about seeing a hypnotist?

There are also some great self-hypnosis programs available on the 'net. Google 'Paul McKenna' - I've used a few of his programs and they helped me get through some tough times.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Yes I am glad I didn't buy a house, have kids and start down that road. Because I'm sure even if this situation was avoided she would have popped eventually.

Confidence is definatly my problem, the issue is I've never had high confidence, so its hard to develop whats never been there. Although I do have my moments where for whatever reason I seem to be on my game. I never go hunting for women, I go out with my roommate because I like to go out and play pool, darts, etc. And usually take care of my blacked out roomie by the end of the night.

Count, I'm not sure if that would work on me. I have a very open mind for those kind of things, but with my luck all I would uncover is some traumatic alien abduction memory my brain dreamed up.
 

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Count, I'm not sure if that would work on me. I have a very open mind for those kind of things, but with my luck all I would uncover is some traumatic alien abduction memory my brain dreamed up.
:rofl:

It's nice to see that you still have your sense of humor. The key now is to get out of your comfort zone. Ditch the roommate. His lifestyle is not conducive to your recovery. Also, move out of that college town. Go somewhere that you've always wanted to visit.

Oh, you definitely dodged a bullet by not having kids with your evil Ex.
 
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