Talk About Marriage banner
Cancel

It's been 4 days since we separated

4402 Views 52 Replies 14 Participants Last post by  K.C., 
confused777
Hello everyone.

I am in pain and I need help. I can't breathe properly. My heart is pounding slowly but hard. I can't believe it really happened. I'm in denial and yet I know it is done and I am trying to plan a way out because I don't know what else to focus on.

We could never communicate. From the very beginning we both found it difficult to really be ourselves but our love for each other was intense and passionate. We had difficulties with almost everything.

I'm 30, been married for 8 years, known him for 12. We sold our house in July and planned to live with the in-laws for about 2 months because we planned to move half way around the world. I stopped working in July to prepare for everything. Husband worked from home and needed to take a course in February so we had to stay here longer, but the in-laws were horrible to live with and things just fell apart.

He is my first true love. I can see my mistakes and his but he is right, we just couldn't get along. A lot of it had to do with external factors that I wished we could have worked on. I had no idea how upset he was and that he had been contemplating divorce.

I feel cheated because he has been talking to people for 2 years about our marriage (I had no idea) and yet he never explained things to me in a calm setting. I loved him and thought things were good overall; we just needed to iron out the kinks.

I've read some of the other posts and nothing I can say will stand out, I'm just another heartbroken individual going through a separation. We have no children and it looks like the divorce will be uncomplicated :( However, I will still need to figure out a life of my own but I'm still in denial.

Is anyone leaning on religion to get them through this? Is anyone muslim here? I'm muslim but don't know any where I live and really need to talk without avoiding my faith because it's going to play such a momentous role in my recovery.

Our divorce was Islamic and none of my friends can really understand that (we will still need to divorce legally). I want certain things for myself from a religious perspective but no one really gets it and it's making me feel so much more isolated.

I can't imagine a life without him, it's was so out of the blue. My veins feel tight and I'm tingling all over....I want this awful feeling to go away and I just want my husband back.
See less See more
Save
Like
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 13 of 53 Posts
confused777
Thanks guys, I appreciate your advice more then you'll ever know.

I'm just mad at him today, not openly though.

It'll be a week tomorrow and I'm beat. I almost feel as though I've recovered because I'm ready to give up loving him if it means an end to these messed up emotions. I wonder how I'll feel tomorrow?....Ahh I know, a heartbroken mess!!

I've got a lot to change but I'm am feeling positive about my future.

I'm emotionally spent.

Chin up everybody, and keep moving forward.
See less See more
Save
Like
  • Like
Reactions: 1
confused777
He says he was never happy except for a year. He has such a negative opinion of our marriage that it just leaves me baffled...

He had been talking to people about our "miserable" marriage. But we DID have so many good times....??? Why didn't I realize things were bad?

I feel like the trigger for him to start his new life. He likes to make big changes and he's been telling me his worries about his finances, and his future marriage prospects...that really twisted the knife.

He only told me so I would realize that all hope was lost. He MAY remarry me when we are 90. Or, if nothing works out for him in the next few years. At least he's being honest.

A small part of me wants to wait for him forever and hope against all odds that he'll take me back but I don't want to see him suffer and I don't want him to "settle" for me. I also believe that I deserve better.

I can't help but blame myself. I KNOW he has a short fuse, I know that if the slightest thing went wrong (traffic light not changing fast enough) he could freak out. I feel icky talking about his faults and I know he had his fair share but I still can't help but blame myself entirely. It would be easier if I hated him.

I'm so regretful, ridden with guilt. I'm so sorry to him for not being the wife that he so desperately wanted his whole life. Yeah, he had his flaws but he was always loving towards me. I just wish I had known how bad it had gotten for him.

He doesn't want me. He doesn't want me. He doesn't want me.

I'll take things one day / episode at a time. But, it's so many firsts of doing things alone without him. This whole province reminds me of him. Time to make new memories.

This forum is really helping me, thanks guys. Great advice Orpheus, I agree with it.

Stella, funny, I think you sensed that I was going to stop reaching out. I was. But I won't now. Thanks.

He's just focused on his new life, he said the part of him that tried so much for me died. He said he will love me forever and never forget me. He said I was a third of his life. He said that I pushed him away.
See less See more
Save
Like
confused777
Angelpixie, dolly, bigmac, orpheus, lost, dewayne - thank y

I'm trying to rush this process but it's not working so I'm just going to let it wash over me.

Yes, he's been rewriting history for years now. I feel cheated. At least he can tell a whole bunch of people who don't know me how miserable the marriage was, garner sympathy, network and then get help with his new life. I'm bitter.

He doesn't want his parents to know (because they know me and they knew our relationship).

Thank you...I'm beginning to realize that there's a healthy balance when it comes to the blame in my situation. I've been idealizing him but have got to stop doing that now.

He gave me a cinnamon pinwheel today (whyyy???). My brain knows he didn't mean anything by it but my heart skipped a beat and that wasn't very nice.

You guys weren't kidding about the roller coaster ride.
See less See more
Save
Like
confused777
We're going our separate ways in Feb. We haven't done anything from a legal standpoint as of yet. I'm not sure how the divorce will work out if we're in different countries but I don't really care right now.

I have yet to decide what I'll be doing. I'm not ready to think about that either and I definitely don't want to follow him and try to live out "our" dream alone.

You wrote on someone else's thread that your stbxw was full steam head, never looked back and never did anything half-assed. That's exactly what my stbxh is like. I always had a secret fear that he might just toss me to the side one day and never look back and that's exactly what he's doing.

He's tying to be nice, but I think that's as much for his ego as it is for my benefit.

He knew exactly what I was like when he first met me. He made promises to me and he's breaking/ broke them. I would have found a way to make this marriage work but he gave up on it. He was always proud to say that he wasn't a quitter but he sure quit on our marriage.

One day I hope he remembers what our marriage was really like and how we had so many good times. I wish I didn't care and the sad thing is that he probably won't ever realize because he's not the type to look back.
See less See more
Save
Like
confused777
Soca, maybe it's a survival tool that they use. They want to move on, they think they can do better, the vows can be ignored.

They can justify their actions and who knows what the truth is.

Sorry that your suffering too.
Save
Like
confused777
Soca, I feel for you. Will you be sharing custody? Do you think you'll deal with the holidays ok? Do you have a support system outside of TAM?

Do you come here whenever you feel needy? I did that a few times and it helped. There were other times when I leaned on him but I felt like a burden.

i only told one friend and it was too much for her. That made me hesitant to tell anyone else. I told my sister and she was wonderfully supportive over the phone/ email but she's telling me to lie to the rest of my family to make the situation seem less desperate.

Problem is that I am desperate, and I am needy and clingy. Most of all, I'm so lonely. I was so into my husband that I chose not to develop close (real/ trusted) bonds with other people, and now I'm paying the price.

I also don't want to seem negative but right now that's all I'm feeling.

I just want the pain to go away. I thought I could rush the stages of grief but I fooled myself. I keep looking around trying to find an answer or a key, something, anything that would make this all better. I still can't believe it actually happened.

My ex is a liar. I would ask him if everything was ok, and I would ask him if he was ok with me and he would reassure me that everything was fine but it wasn't. He told me that I saved him and maybe I'd save him again. I did do a lot for him and he denies it all. I should be pleased that i'm rid of him because I know if he was anyone else I would cut him out of my life, but he is tangled up in my own identity.

I've already gotten a lot of the answers that I need from people in this forum. I know what I need to know, I just can't detach emotionally.

Lucy, I hope we can all move past this, I really do.
See less See more
Save
Like
confused777
I can relate to much of what you said Angel. We were both hurting when we met. Sad thing is that he is all healed now, his pockets are lined and he's on his way. He will never see it like this though and maybe I'm being too hard on him.

Soca, if my stbxh had left for 2 weeks right after the news, I wouldn't have been able to hold it together. It's got to feel good to have the kids with you though, eh? They must give you some strength and purpose to better yourself and get through this.

And, I agree about playing the victim by keeping quiet about this whole thing. However it does suit me to stay living here, rent is cheap and everything is familiar - probably not the best reasons. I might leave the country soon too so don't want to sign up for a lease until I know what I'm doing.

The down side is that after a crappy day, the ex offered to cook but I declined the offer. Then he gave me some food when I woke up (I keep sleeping) and I ate just a little. Finally, he gave me some health advice.

His behaviour toward me just made me feel great, I'm still riding a bit of the high right now. And yet, I know he's done and would be gone if he had a course that he needs (he's going to want my help with it too).

You know, writing all this stuff helps me to see how much of a doormat I'm being. I think it's because I still want him back. If only it would sink in that he doesn't want me anymore.
See less See more
Save
Like
confused777
Angel, I left my family 7/8 years ago, I flew across the Atlantic without them knowing. I started to contact them a few months ago but only through email/ post. I feel ashamed to call them all up now and say "Surprise! My marriage failed so I want you all back in my life!!"

Culture is a bit of a ****** in my situation as well because it brings shackles with it. I'm pretty resistant to it's demands but my family aren't. Divorce is taboo, people stay in unhappy marriages and so divorces make people suspicious. My sister is aware of this and is just trying to ease my re-introduction. (I can't lie very well so we'll see how long that lasts).

I know it all sounds backwards, it's my culture (not my faith). I've been gone so long, things might be different now but I am concerned. I wish I had a safe and loving place I could go to. The only "home" I knew was my ex. This is what really hurts.

I can hold a job, I can socialize, but I don't feel intrinsically confident. I started to take a confidence class and it is so insightful. I know that I need to seize control of my own life and be true to myself. Maybe struggles are what I need to shake off all the fears I've developed and emerge a better person - like a cleansing. I think I became dependant on my husband, ugh, I hate to admit it :(

I believe you're right. My ex feels good about himself when he offers kindness to me but it is bogus. I know I'm weak and pathetic right now but I hope that some day, I look back and chuckle to myself. I hope I shake my head in disbelief and know that I am worth more than what I accepted. I hope I don't care about him anymore, hope theres no "special place in my heart for him". I hope I am indifferent. Wish I could rush that feeling but it's only been 2 weeks.

Reminds me of that book "Henry Sugar". Henry goes through a positive transformation and no longer has the same needs/ wants that originally inspired the transformation.

I read that attachment vs love link you had posted - it was food for thought, thx.

And, I'm not a complete pushover...just highlighting my insecurities here.
See less See more
Save
Like
confused777
A few days ago I told everyone about our divorce. My family and the rest of my friends were supportive but his were devastated. It was exhausting.

I don't want to get into details but I am offering him help. Help that I can give now and help any time down the road. His own family don't give a damn about him and I can't help but feel sorry for him so I'm willing to do what it takes for him to be ok during this transition.

However, he is good looking, unique, a seasoned traveller/ explorer. All very romantic and appealing. He was also incredibly affectionate but irritable and sensitive. I don't think he'll have a problem finding someone else. Someone better than me and someone who he will have kids with. It makes me sick to my stomach.

I was only worth 7/8 years to him. My worth ran out. If he hadn't thought he could do better than me than surely he would have stayed. I wouldn't want that (I lie) but he did think he could do better.

He knew me better than anyone and he gave up on me. How can this be good for me? How can a person get over feeling like they weren't enough? No amount of IC or reflection can hide the truth. Am I supposed to go on an endless search to find someone who does think I'm worthy?....That just irks me. I want to run away from everything.
See less See more
Save
Like
confused777
Angel, it seems like a long daunting road up ahead. All of this recovery and healing. I can't accept that it's over, my heart is denying the truth and I'm stuck.

I lost something that I can't replace.

Group therapy sounds good, but it will have to happen once I've left this place.

I do look forward to passing this stage. What "stage" would you put yourself at, if you don't mind me asking?
Save
Like
confused777
Hmm...like so many people, I really don't think anything else was going on. I can't even go there right now.

I believe he saw what was out there, resented me a little more and that was enough for him to check out.
Save
Like
confused777
angelpixie said:
we probably did love each other the best we knew how.

...

You will get there. A wound won't heal until you clean it out. It will hurt at first, but you will feel much better after it's healed.
Click to expand...
He tells me he loves me but I try to deny it and make up lies. We had something worth fighting for and he gave up on me. I would have stayed with him until his last breath but he couldn't do the same for me.

A couple months back I'd bought a card which showed a whimsical waterfront with an old fisherman couple slow dancing and a ginger cat on the boardwalk. It was "us", how we'd grow old together. It was still in it's plastic sleeve. I gave it to my ex last week, I told him to throw it away. Today, while packing, I found he had hidden it. He loves me - but it's not enough.

You're lucky to have a son, and he's lucky to have a mom who cares so much about providing a warm and wholesome life for him. I can see the similarities in our situation and it does give me hope that I could be happy but (and I'm sure you'll understand) right now I want the picture on that card and nothing else.

Yes, I'll heal and I'll forget the things without him there to remind me of what I don't have anymore. I might even find someone again and experience a happier relationship, but there will always be that scar and no one will know exactly what we had and my memories will be lonely ones.

He moves out on Monday, then we plan to meet so we can file together and after that I may never see him again.
See less See more
Save
Like
1 - 13 of 53 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Talk About Marriage
A forum community dedicated to married life between you and your spouse. Come join the discussion about love, romance, health, behavior, conflict resolution, care, and more!
Full Forum Listing
Explore Our Forums
Coping with Infidelity General Relationship Discussion Sex in Marriage Going Through Divorce or Separation The Men's Clubhouse
Top