It's been 4 days since we separated

4401 Views 52 Replies 14 Participants Last post by K.C., Jan 3, 2013

confused777

Discussion Starter · Nov 21, 2012

Hello everyone.

I am in pain and I need help. I can't breathe properly. My heart is pounding slowly but hard. I can't believe it really happened. I'm in denial and yet I know it is done and I am trying to plan a way out because I don't know what else to focus on.

We could never communicate. From the very beginning we both found it difficult to really be ourselves but our love for each other was intense and passionate. We had difficulties with almost everything.

I'm 30, been married for 8 years, known him for 12. We sold our house in July and planned to live with the in-laws for about 2 months because we planned to move half way around the world. I stopped working in July to prepare for everything. Husband worked from home and needed to take a course in February so we had to stay here longer, but the in-laws were horrible to live with and things just fell apart.

He is my first true love. I can see my mistakes and his but he is right, we just couldn't get along. A lot of it had to do with external factors that I wished we could have worked on. I had no idea how upset he was and that he had been contemplating divorce.

I feel cheated because he has been talking to people for 2 years about our marriage (I had no idea) and yet he never explained things to me in a calm setting. I loved him and thought things were good overall; we just needed to iron out the kinks.

I've read some of the other posts and nothing I can say will stand out, I'm just another heartbroken individual going through a separation. We have no children and it looks like the divorce will be uncomplicated

However, I will still need to figure out a life of my own but I'm still in denial.

Is anyone leaning on religion to get them through this? Is anyone muslim here? I'm muslim but don't know any where I live and really need to talk without avoiding my faith because it's going to play such a momentous role in my recovery.

Our divorce was Islamic and none of my friends can really understand that (we will still need to divorce legally). I want certain things for myself from a religious perspective but no one really gets it and it's making me feel so much more isolated.

I can't imagine a life without him, it's was so out of the blue. My veins feel tight and I'm tingling all over....I want this awful feeling to go away and I just want my husband back.

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lostinspaces

· #2 · Nov 21, 2012

Many of us here didn't see the separation or divorce coming and that is definitely hard. You are stuck behind the X in the healing process as they started coming to terms with it earlier. Maybe even starting 2 years earlier in your case.

You'll eventually catch up though and get back to a good place. You are young at 30 and have the opportunity for everything you had planned for your life (I'm 32 and am constantly reminding myself of the same).

As for your faith. I know many here lean on their faith heavily through this. I think that is an extra tool in your arsenal for healing and a good thing.

Have you checked online for Muslim groups near you? I would imagine there must be some. If not I would bet here are support groups online that could help.

I also think I can speak for this board on TAM when I say that we are here for everyone going through this, regardless of religion or any other factors. You have friends here.

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lostinspaces

· #5 · Nov 23, 2012

Indeed. The best you can do is work and concentrate on yourself and see where life takes you.

AA is on to something with their one-day-at-a-time motto. I've found that is the only way to get through this as well. You have to forgive the mistakes you made yesterday (and there will be some) and concentrate on making decisions each day that make you happy and/or your life better.

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lostinspaces

· #8 · Nov 23, 2012

Orpheus said:
You are both very young and are likely much different people with different expectations than when you met as teenagers or near teens. Also know that most relationships fall apart not from one or two mistakes but from a thousand cuts. External circumstances happen to everyone, it's how you deal with it that defines a partnership.
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This is one of the best and most insightful things I've read on TAM. My stbxw can mostly only say silly little things that let to her willing out of love with me, which led me to believe exactly this. It's not usually something you did or some major character flaw, but the natural growing apart and differences between two people. Some people recognize this and communicate and work on their marriage ... And some just quit and run.

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lostinspaces

· #13 · Nov 23, 2012

I'd just add one thing: don't expect to ever hear/see them admit the mistake. I see a lot of people here do things with the intention of one day winning the X back.

While I agree that many will one day regret their decisions, if you hang around waiting for the justification of their regret, you will be holding yourself up.

I know I'd like nothing more than to hear I wasn't a bad husband (still not sure what I did to drive her away) ... But waiting to hear that means waiting to heal. I'm not willing to do that, and the sooner you start to focus on your new life and not the old one, the sooner life moves on.

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lostinspaces

· #17 · Nov 25, 2012

It definitely is and I wish you weren't going through this. I've never been one to believe there is fate or "a plan" (and I envy those that do), but I do believe we control our destinies. If you want happiness you will have to grab it.

It will take time to heal. I have good days and bad days and days when I just sit, numb, and wonder wth happened to my world. They say time heals all wounds ... But wounds do leave scars. The trick is not to cling to those scars at the expense of your future happiness.

I may have missed this, but when will you guys be oving separate?

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lostinspaces

· #26 · Nov 26, 2012

Yes, my stbxw will almost definitely never look back. It's sad because I think we all want that affirmation of the fact that we weren't bad husbands/wives. Bu when all is said and done, we have to be good with ourselves with or without that.

Some of us will get that "I was wrong" call some day, some of us will only see the X for custody, some of us will work things out, and some of us will never hear from the X again. What we all have in common is that we all need to plan for a future where we are strong independent people who achieve our own happiness.

Getting there isn't fun, but talking about it here helps and we have the support of all of these "friends"

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lostinspaces

· #29 · Nov 26, 2012

Orpheus said:
I always felt that being quiet played into a victim mentality at some point and gave your jackass spouse unnecessary power through silence... But I might be alone in that thought.
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You are not. I feel the same way and remind myself of that whenever the X tries to guilt me about the fact that I told someone what she did/is doing.

It is our life too people, and if it makes you feel better to tell someone what happened then do it! We are living for ourselves now remember? The Xs chose to end our obligation to make decisions that benefit the "couple".

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lostinspaces

· #32 · Nov 27, 2012

Moving on has indeed been the best for me. I move out in a few days and have been traveling this week. I feel SO much better without the constant reminder of her.

I think you would too.

Drop him on FB or at least block his posts so you don't see them. Work on yourself and try to find ways to distract yourself and/or ignore what you have to see of him.

Surround yourself with your support network. That's what they are there for.

Remember that if he is ever going to feel like he made a mistake it liked wont happen quickly and definitely not while he is in the "exciting" phase of an affair or new relationship. The common belief seems to be that those wayward spouses who do regret their decisions usually take at LEAST 6 mo to do so ... And many say a year. Do you really want to put your life on hold that long on the off chance of a R?

Or would you rather live and enjoy life? Both ways may have the same ending, but one has you trying to be happy in the meantime and the other seems like giving up.

I'm choosing happiness.

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lostinspaces

· #40 · Nov 28, 2012

It's been 1 month and 8 days for me and I still want my stbxw back. I just know that would not be a good thing for me. I think there are stages to this part of the healing too confused.

First, you want them back no matter what, then you want them back if they make certain changes, then you want them back if you can be SURE they are 100% committed to making it work, then you secretly want them back (only admitting it here and to VERy close friends ... This is where I am) with the conditions mentioned previously ... ??? ... ??? ... Then you don't want them back anymore.

I can't wait until I'm where Dolly is now. Just remember we'll all get there eventually. It just takes different amounts of time for different people.

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