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It's been 4 days since we separated

4402 Views 52 Replies 14 Participants Last post by  K.C., 
confused777
Hello everyone.

I am in pain and I need help. I can't breathe properly. My heart is pounding slowly but hard. I can't believe it really happened. I'm in denial and yet I know it is done and I am trying to plan a way out because I don't know what else to focus on.

We could never communicate. From the very beginning we both found it difficult to really be ourselves but our love for each other was intense and passionate. We had difficulties with almost everything.

I'm 30, been married for 8 years, known him for 12. We sold our house in July and planned to live with the in-laws for about 2 months because we planned to move half way around the world. I stopped working in July to prepare for everything. Husband worked from home and needed to take a course in February so we had to stay here longer, but the in-laws were horrible to live with and things just fell apart.

He is my first true love. I can see my mistakes and his but he is right, we just couldn't get along. A lot of it had to do with external factors that I wished we could have worked on. I had no idea how upset he was and that he had been contemplating divorce.

I feel cheated because he has been talking to people for 2 years about our marriage (I had no idea) and yet he never explained things to me in a calm setting. I loved him and thought things were good overall; we just needed to iron out the kinks.

I've read some of the other posts and nothing I can say will stand out, I'm just another heartbroken individual going through a separation. We have no children and it looks like the divorce will be uncomplicated :( However, I will still need to figure out a life of my own but I'm still in denial.

Is anyone leaning on religion to get them through this? Is anyone muslim here? I'm muslim but don't know any where I live and really need to talk without avoiding my faith because it's going to play such a momentous role in my recovery.

Our divorce was Islamic and none of my friends can really understand that (we will still need to divorce legally). I want certain things for myself from a religious perspective but no one really gets it and it's making me feel so much more isolated.

I can't imagine a life without him, it's was so out of the blue. My veins feel tight and I'm tingling all over....I want this awful feeling to go away and I just want my husband back.
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C777, sorry for your pain and confusion.

You are both very young and are likely much different people with different expectations than when you met as teenagers or near teens. Also know that most relationships fall apart not from one or two mistakes but from a thousand cuts. External circumstances happen to everyone, it's how you deal with it that defines a partnership.

Many people reinvest in religion, spirituality and self help to get through hard times. It will also help you reboot and set better boundaries and expectations for your life moving forward. If there isn't any spiritual support near you physically, there must be message boards or possibly meet-ups online.

Finally, the pain and anxiety you're feeling is a very normal reaction to the trauma you've just undergone. Strive for grace and ride it out. It's not fun but it slowly gets better a little further on.
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C777, people say incredibly loving and hateful things during the separation process. Your body and theirs is processing an enormous chemical upheaval of emotions and hormones. People are often very inconsistent. And for yourself you are probably feeling a roller coaster of emotions.

The best thing you can do right now is to protect your future and pay attention to his actions not his words. If he changes his mind he will show you in what he does. Sitting around and waiting for the phone to ring is a waste of your precious life.

Finally, he's not rejecting you. He's rejected the marriage. You don't want to be in a partnership with somebody that doesn't respect that union.
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C777, unlike your sister, I think you should start telling people in your life and don't soft pedal it. This is a massively difficult time in your life and you need all the show ponies, circus clowns and acrobats invited to your circus. Some if those people around you will surprise you with their wisdom and support. TAMis great but it's the real world that you need to win at. I always felt that being quiet played into a victim mentality at some point and gave your jackass spouse unnecessary power through silence... But I might be alone in that thought. That said, almost everybody likes a circus. :)

Oh, and Lucy above... Total rock star. Like a budding young Dolly.
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Apologies for threadjack, Lucy unplug from him on social media immediately!!!! Of you can't unfriendly him for personal politics at the moment there are a number of other things to do to mirror that. You can unsubscribe from his feeds and relegate him to where he can't see much of what you post. All too detailed to go into here. Google it. There is zero upside to being connected to him on FB currently.

Dolly = Dolly Stanford. Longtime poster here. A very well put together and strong lady. IMHO.
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^ that is all kinds of start-over awesome, Stella!
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