[confused777]

Hello everyone.

I am in pain and I need help. I can't breathe properly. My heart is pounding slowly but hard. I can't believe it really happened. I'm in denial and yet I know it is done and I am trying to plan a way out because I don't know what else to focus on.

We could never communicate. From the very beginning we both found it difficult to really be ourselves but our love for each other was intense and passionate. We had difficulties with almost everything.

I'm 30, been married for 8 years, known him for 12. We sold our house in July and planned to live with the in-laws for about 2 months because we planned to move half way around the world. I stopped working in July to prepare for everything. Husband worked from home and needed to take a course in February so we had to stay here longer, but the in-laws were horrible to live with and things just fell apart.

He is my first true love. I can see my mistakes and his but he is right, we just couldn't get along. A lot of it had to do with external factors that I wished we could have worked on. I had no idea how upset he was and that he had been contemplating divorce.

I feel cheated because he has been talking to people for 2 years about our marriage (I had no idea) and yet he never explained things to me in a calm setting. I loved him and thought things were good overall; we just needed to iron out the kinks.

I've read some of the other posts and nothing I can say will stand out, I'm just another heartbroken individual going through a separation. We have no children and it looks like the divorce will be uncomplicated However, I will still need to figure out a life of my own but I'm still in denial.

Is anyone leaning on religion to get them through this? Is anyone muslim here? I'm muslim but don't know any where I live and really need to talk without avoiding my faith because it's going to play such a momentous role in my recovery.

Our divorce was Islamic and none of my friends can really understand that (we will still need to divorce legally). I want certain things for myself from a religious perspective but no one really gets it and it's making me feel so much more isolated.

I can't imagine a life without him, it's was so out of the blue. My veins feel tight and I'm tingling all over....I want this awful feeling to go away and I just want my husband back.

 

[lostinspaces]

Many of us here didn't see the separation or divorce coming and that is definitely hard. You are stuck behind the X in the healing process as they started coming to terms with it earlier. Maybe even starting 2 years earlier in your case.

You'll eventually catch up though and get back to a good place. You are young at 30 and have the opportunity for everything you had planned for your life (I'm 32 and am constantly reminding myself of the same).

As for your faith. I know many here lean on their faith heavily through this. I think that is an extra tool in your arsenal for healing and a good thing.

Have you checked online for Muslim groups near you? I would imagine there must be some. If not I would bet here are support groups online that could help.

I also think I can speak for this board on TAM when I say that we are here for everyone going through this, regardless of religion or any other factors. You have friends here.

 

[soca70]

Confused- sorry you are here and I hope you will find that what you are experiencing is unfortunately common. My STBXW had been unhappy for 2-3 years and had really been contemplating this for the last year and didn't communicate this to me so I was blindsided as well.

The most important things now for you will be to take care of yourself and really try to sleep and eat for strength. Another strategy is the "180" which outlines actions which seem counter-intuitive but help with the healing process. I couldn't copy the link but I've pasted the URL and if you can copy this, you will see the plan.

Also TAM has been a fantastic support for me and know there are people that do care.

The Healing Heart: The 180

 

[confused777]

Thanks guys, I appreciate your advice more then you'll ever know.

I'm just mad at him today, not openly though.

It'll be a week tomorrow and I'm beat. I almost feel as though I've recovered because I'm ready to give up loving him if it means an end to these messed up emotions. I wonder how I'll feel tomorrow?....Ahh I know, a heartbroken mess!!

I've got a lot to change but I'm am feeling positive about my future.

I'm emotionally spent.

Chin up everybody, and keep moving forward.

 

[lostinspaces]

Indeed. The best you can do is work and concentrate on yourself and see where life takes you.

AA is on to something with their one-day-at-a-time motto. I've found that is the only way to get through this as well. You have to forgive the mistakes you made yesterday (and there will be some) and concentrate on making decisions each day that make you happy and/or your life better.

 

[Stella Moon]

I'm two weeks into my separation/divorcing and just found this forum last night and can't stop reading. It helps to be here and realize there are so many of us out there that feel the same way. I am a Christain woman and I myself am angry with God right now. I don't understand if he hates divorce so much why is he allowing this to happen to me when I want my marriage to work so bad?

As for fear...I'm 47...i've never been alone...this marriage was only over 2 years we were together for about 3 years but prior I was with someone for 10 and before that...
As I said, i've never been alone.

This board right now has been helping...reading the stories of others and hearing how they are surviving..their coping teqniques...it's like making a whole new slew of friends... and gaining some strength...keep reading confused777...it does help... you won't feel so alone...

 

[Orpheus]

C777, sorry for your pain and confusion.

You are both very young and are likely much different people with different expectations than when you met as teenagers or near teens. Also know that most relationships fall apart not from one or two mistakes but from a thousand cuts. External circumstances happen to everyone, it's how you deal with it that defines a partnership.

Many people reinvest in religion, spirituality and self help to get through hard times. It will also help you reboot and set better boundaries and expectations for your life moving forward. If there isn't any spiritual support near you physically, there must be message boards or possibly meet-ups online.

Finally, the pain and anxiety you're feeling is a very normal reaction to the trauma you've just undergone. Strive for grace and ride it out. It's not fun but it slowly gets better a little further on.
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[lostinspaces]

You are both very young and are likely much different people with different expectations than when you met as teenagers or near teens. Also know that most relationships fall apart not from one or two mistakes but from a thousand cuts. External circumstances happen to everyone, it's how you deal with it that defines a partnership.
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This is one of the best and most insightful things I've read on TAM. My stbxw can mostly only say silly little things that let to her willing out of love with me, which led me to believe exactly this. It's not usually something you did or some major character flaw, but the natural growing apart and differences between two people. Some people recognize this and communicate and work on their marriage ... And some just quit and run.

 

[confused777]

He says he was never happy except for a year. He has such a negative opinion of our marriage that it just leaves me baffled...

He had been talking to people about our "miserable" marriage. But we DID have so many good times....??? Why didn't I realize things were bad?

I feel like the trigger for him to start his new life. He likes to make big changes and he's been telling me his worries about his finances, and his future marriage prospects...that really twisted the knife.

He only told me so I would realize that all hope was lost. He MAY remarry me when we are 90. Or, if nothing works out for him in the next few years. At least he's being honest.

A small part of me wants to wait for him forever and hope against all odds that he'll take me back but I don't want to see him suffer and I don't want him to "settle" for me. I also believe that I deserve better.

I can't help but blame myself. I KNOW he has a short fuse, I know that if the slightest thing went wrong (traffic light not changing fast enough) he could freak out. I feel icky talking about his faults and I know he had his fair share but I still can't help but blame myself entirely. It would be easier if I hated him.

I'm so regretful, ridden with guilt. I'm so sorry to him for not being the wife that he so desperately wanted his whole life. Yeah, he had his flaws but he was always loving towards me. I just wish I had known how bad it had gotten for him.

He doesn't want me. He doesn't want me. He doesn't want me.

I'll take things one day / episode at a time. But, it's so many firsts of doing things alone without him. This whole province reminds me of him. Time to make new memories.

This forum is really helping me, thanks guys. Great advice Orpheus, I agree with it.

Stella, funny, I think you sensed that I was going to stop reaching out. I was. But I won't now. Thanks.

He's just focused on his new life, he said the part of him that tried so much for me died. He said he will love me forever and never forget me. He said I was a third of his life. He said that I pushed him away.

 

[Orpheus]

C777, people say incredibly loving and hateful things during the separation process. Your body and theirs is processing an enormous chemical upheaval of emotions and hormones. People are often very inconsistent. And for yourself you are probably feeling a roller coaster of emotions.

The best thing you can do right now is to protect your future and pay attention to his actions not his words. If he changes his mind he will show you in what he does. Sitting around and waiting for the phone to ring is a waste of your precious life.

Finally, he's not rejecting you. He's rejected the marriage. You don't want to be in a partnership with somebody that doesn't respect that union.
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[Dollystanford]

The ones who leave tend to focus on the negative aspects of the marriage and re-write history for various reasons. That's why so many are blindsided and think 'was it really that bad?'

Please stop blaming yourself - you shouldn't be sorry for 'not being the wife he wanted you to be', it sounds like he had some pretty fundamental flaws too. It takes two people to make a marriage and sometimes it just doesn't work out, there's nothing to be ashamed of or feel guilty about

It will be tough at first but once you've started doing things without him you'll realise it does get easier bit by bit. You won't miss that short fuse I'll bet (I certainly don't )

It's very early days, be prepared for a roller coaster ride - this place will help you through the dark times though, a lot of us have been through it and come out the other side

 

[Dewayne76]

Wise words spoken here. Mostly from experience. You'll get there.

Yes, strap in for a roller coaster ride you'll never forget! It's going to suck bawls, it's going to hurt, it's going to spin your head till you're so dizzy you can't think straight. IT WILL HAPPEN and it's going to rock your mental health.

However, as stated. Let me get you to do one thing. Repeat this next sentence over and over until you can't get it out of your head:

HE/SHE's REWRITING HISTORY!

That's all you need to know. WHy? Because once you get this through to your concious, thinking brain, you'll see that you can't trust anything that you hear them say. No matter how much time has passed, or how much progress you think you've made. They'll continue to rewrite history until the brick hits them in the head and they wake up.

Keep reading on here. Do the 180 program. Do it for yourself. If you're going to be looking for changes, my next tip is this: SMALL CHANGES ARE BIG CHANGES! look for the small things that's improved. OVerall, you need to get through the hump of the 180 till you realize you're doing it for yourself, not for changing someone's mind.

 

[lostinspaces]

I'd just add one thing: don't expect to ever hear/see them admit the mistake. I see a lot of people here do things with the intention of one day winning the X back.

While I agree that many will one day regret their decisions, if you hang around waiting for the justification of their regret, you will be holding yourself up.

I know I'd like nothing more than to hear I wasn't a bad husband (still not sure what I did to drive her away) ... But waiting to hear that means waiting to heal. I'm not willing to do that, and the sooner you start to focus on your new life and not the old one, the sooner life moves on.

 

[BigMac]

I'd just add one thing: don't expect to ever hear/see them admit the mistake. I see a lot of people here do things with the intention of one day winning the X back.

While I agree that many will one day regret their decisions, if you hang around waiting for the justification of their regret, you will be holding yourself up.

I know I'd like nothing more than to hear I wasn't a bad husband (still not sure what I did to drive her away) ... But waiting to hear that means waiting to heal. I'm not willing to do that, and the sooner you start to focus on your new life and not the old one, the sooner life moves on.

My W started slowly to admit her faults even she doesn't go in details . Yesterday she say this - " I know I wasn't perfect and I made allot of mistakes but ... " - she stopped there and changed the subject ... so there is a light in the tunnel .

But the process is very slow. Give him the time to realize what hes losing .

 

[angelpixie]

C777, I hope you're also looking for counseling where you are. Someone who can help you to process these big changes and the emotional ups and downs. Please don't censor your feelings by feeling guilty about revealing his negative qualities. I'm sure you're not perfect; nobody is. But I sense that there may be more below the surface here - certain things are making my antennae go up. I think it might really help if you could tell a professional counselor the details of your marriage in order to help you recover.

Don't wait around for him, even if you still love him. He is being brutally honest with you - and I emphasize brutal. Take him at his word. It's so not what you wanted, but it's reality now. You are still very young. Don't waste your life waiting. You have even recognized that you deserve better. You are so right.

 

[confused777]

Angelpixie, dolly, bigmac, orpheus, lost, dewayne - thank y

I'm trying to rush this process but it's not working so I'm just going to let it wash over me.

Yes, he's been rewriting history for years now. I feel cheated. At least he can tell a whole bunch of people who don't know me how miserable the marriage was, garner sympathy, network and then get help with his new life. I'm bitter.

He doesn't want his parents to know (because they know me and they knew our relationship).

Thank you...I'm beginning to realize that there's a healthy balance when it comes to the blame in my situation. I've been idealizing him but have got to stop doing that now.

He gave me a cinnamon pinwheel today (whyyy???). My brain knows he didn't mean anything by it but my heart skipped a beat and that wasn't very nice.

You guys weren't kidding about the roller coaster ride.

 

[lostinspaces]

It definitely is and I wish you weren't going through this. I've never been one to believe there is fate or "a plan" (and I envy those that do), but I do believe we control our destinies. If you want happiness you will have to grab it.

It will take time to heal. I have good days and bad days and days when I just sit, numb, and wonder wth happened to my world. They say time heals all wounds ... But wounds do leave scars. The trick is not to cling to those scars at the expense of your future happiness.

I may have missed this, but when will you guys be oving separate?

 

[confused777]

We're going our separate ways in Feb. We haven't done anything from a legal standpoint as of yet. I'm not sure how the divorce will work out if we're in different countries but I don't really care right now.

I have yet to decide what I'll be doing. I'm not ready to think about that either and I definitely don't want to follow him and try to live out "our" dream alone.

You wrote on someone else's thread that your stbxw was full steam head, never looked back and never did anything half-assed. That's exactly what my stbxh is like. I always had a secret fear that he might just toss me to the side one day and never look back and that's exactly what he's doing.

He's tying to be nice, but I think that's as much for his ego as it is for my benefit.

He knew exactly what I was like when he first met me. He made promises to me and he's breaking/ broke them. I would have found a way to make this marriage work but he gave up on it. He was always proud to say that he wasn't a quitter but he sure quit on our marriage.

One day I hope he remembers what our marriage was really like and how we had so many good times. I wish I didn't care and the sad thing is that he probably won't ever realize because he's not the type to look back.

 

[soca70]

confused - I am sorry for your pain. My STBXW has been the same way with this - not once second-guessing her decision, no guilt, etc. even though I would have been willing to try anything to make it work for the sake of our kids.

I find your statement interesting about quitting. One of my kids this year was terrified of continuing to play flag football and she would not let him drop out because that would mean he was quitting and what kind of lesson would he learn? Halfway through their season, she quits on our marriage.

 

[lucy mulholland]

I am in the same camp as you all - and it's true, there is comfort in the shared situations of total strangers. The bitterness and the abrupt departure, the blame on me of the problems, and his smugness as he goes about being "helpful" with our daughter, or with finances, even as my whole life falls apart because of him.

Shared dreams, a child, plans - he's throwing it all away. Will he regret it? I certainly hope so. Now, to just ride out this grief and hope and sadness and wonder, where oh where will I end up?

Love and thoughts to you all - be good to yourselves in the ways spoken to you by your deepest instincts.