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I am not going to engage you. To each his own. I am a person who values truth more than anything. My post was meant for 20plus who is still suffering because he didn't get the full truth. If he decides that he can live blissfully under the cloud of untruth, then it is his choice.

To forgive, you need to know what you are forgiving. Otherwise it is just a sham, a mirage of happiness, a trainwreck waiting to take place. That's all.
I value truth too. And you will find me as an early participant in Dig's thread because I faced a similar dilemma to 20+.

I don't care whether you engage me. But you keep screaming "she is still lying" without proof.

If you want to help 20+ you should justify your perspective. Raising suspicion without proof could push him to end a marriage with someone who has told the truth.
 
I value truth too. And you will find me as an early participant in Dig's thread because I faced a similar dilemma to 20+.

I don't care whether you engage me. But you keep screaming "she is still lying" without proof.
If you want to help 20+ you should justify your perspective. Raising suspicion without proof could push him to end a marriage with someone who has told the truth.
I am as much entitled to my opinion as you are to yours. You seem to have a hard time dealing with someone who doesn't agree with you. Very interesting.

She may be innocent, she may be guilty. If she didn't do anything more than an innocent 'kiss', then what is the problem with a polygraph test? Why wouldn't a BS want the full truth? Why would other BSs support the decision of not knowing the full truth? This part I don't understand.
 
I am as much entitled to my opinion as you are to yours. You seem to have a hard time dealing with someone who doesn't agree with you. Very interesting.

She may be innocent, she may be guilty. If she didn't do anything more than an innocent 'kiss', then what is the problem with a polygraph test? Why wouldn't a BS want the full truth? Why would other BSs support the decision of not knowing the full truth? This part I don't understand.
Hi life....

Honestly I don't care if you disagree with me, and I am not always right. :)

But having been where 20+ is....it is really hard when you are trying to figure it out. I agree with you that not getting the whole truth would be a problem, but so is badgering and pestering someone who has given the truth and refusing not believe them. I have seen both do damage.

Re polygraph....depending where you read, they have somewhere between a 10% and 40% failure rate. That to me is too high to be worth it.

Knowing the truth with certainty is ideal, but not always possible. If your only tool for knowing the truth is a polygraph, then I think you have no tool.
 
higher than that wazza. The point is he doesn't know the truth and it obviously has been plaguing him enough to seek advice here. That tells me that the OP has doubts. Since coming on here he is realizing that he may or may not have handled the affair properly. Hell what if it turns out to be a well hidden ten year affair. What if they are still communicating. The OP is from a time where there wasn't a real way to find out someone was cheating other than someone else telling them, the spouse spilled the beans, or someone came home early and found the couple together. Now we have all this info readily available and I wonder if infidelity rates really did go up. I just wonder if more people got caught rather than any real increase in the number of affairs.
 
higher than that wazza. The point is he doesn't know the truth and it obviously has been plaguing him enough to seek advice here. That tells me that the OP has doubts. Since coming on here he is realizing that he may or may not have handled the affair properly. Hell what if it turns out to be a well hidden ten year affair. What if they are still communicating. The OP is from a time where there wasn't a real way to find out someone was cheating other than someone else telling them, the spouse spilled the beans, or someone came home early and found the couple together. Now we have all this info readily available and I wonder if infidelity rates really did go up. I just wonder if more people got caught rather than any real increase in the number of affairs.
This was my situation!
Mine too, maybe :)

That is why this matters so much.

You can ruin the marriage by not getting the issues out, and you can ruin it by always suspecting there is more. Either way is bad. So how do you proceed in the absence of absolute certainty?

It is a hard question.
 
. That there is some guy thinking hey, i was able to take this dude wife. I know that it's my issue not hers.
Interesting, I always tought of it as "some guys has to deal with my wifes bull crap and I don't have to"! I'm wired different then most.

Screw the OM and all OM's...they commit adultory and I don't so from were I'm sitting, they don't have sh!t over me!

Enless I kill them, then murder trumps adultory :)
 
You can ruin the marriage by not getting the issues out, and you can ruin it by always suspecting there is more. Either way is bad. So how do you proceed in the absence of absolute certainty?

It is a hard question.
In a very young marriage it is easier to pull the plug in the face of suspicions. In a long term marriage it is very difficult. The same reasons men decide to R with a known cheater are the same reasons a man avoids D without certainty. There is a lot of history, memories, and even good times together. What we have cannot be recreated in a new marriage.

Whatever it takes to get factual data is worth it. I think some risk of false results is acceptable if the alternative is no data.
 
In a very young marriage it is easier to pull the plug in the face of suspicions. In a long term marriage it is very difficult. The same reasons men decide to R with a known cheater are the same reasons a man avoids D without certainty. There is a lot of history, memories, and even good times together. What we have cannot be recreated in a new marriage.

Whatever it takes to get factual data is worth it. I think some risk of false results is acceptable if the alternative is no data.
Reasonable, provided you understand the risk of false results. All you can do, in fact.
 
I have a serious GF. I don't plan on living alone forever, no.

One can never blindly trust anyone since going through what I have,

However, I know this new lady is not anything like the ex.

I trust but watch. I don't snoop. We've both been burned by cheaters and agree that at the first whiff of infidelity we both are of the mindset of ending it.

That said, I'm having the time of my life.

Some risk in all relationships. But toxic secret crap? I know it now and avoid it.

Focused on the good now.
It seems to me you have a similar outlook to me.

My wife was (is) imperfect, but not toxic. A better than average risk imo. Had she been toxic, things might have ended very differently!

A lot of my reading of 20+'s case is that the wife seems to have come good when asked....better than mine did in fact. I would have posted very differently otherwise...
 
It's been 20 years, should I just let it go?
What you should do is to shut up about it, learn to control your thoughts, and take actions that will build you and your wife up.

You said that you forgave her but I say that is bunk! If you forgave her then why do you keep bring up any thing about that mistake of 20 years ago? Find out what real forgiveness is then get busy and do it!

From what you have written your wife is really remorseful and has proven that by her 20 years of faithfulness to you. You said:

I love my family and will not do anything to destroy what we've have built over these 20 years.
But you are doing something to hurt your family. You are letting your insecurities and failure to do things that would put the affair of 20 years ago away affect your thoughts and emotions that are negative.

My wife did more than kiss and the other pre-sex activities more than 20 years ago. I built myself up so that her affair would not destroy me, nor ruin our family, nor affect me so much that I was harming the R. Secondly, when I got stronger I was able to help her heal.

Was it fair what she did, do I have to stay married to her, and am I obligated to help her? NO

So why did I stay? I stayed because she like me is a flawed person but a good person. I stayed because we have three children, I stayed because those who forgive will be forgiven, I stayed because she was very remorseful and proved it for over 20 years, I stayed because it pleased God for me to give mercy and believed that God would bless me, and I stayed because I still love this woman.

If you are still reading this thread then I hope that you will get off the fence and do what is right for you, your children, and tour family. Maybe you are already doing that now, I hope so!

One final thought.
IN YOUR CASE I say, if you are not getting encouragement to get your family closer together on TAM then I recommend that you stop reading this website. JMO




Blunt
 
Discussion starter · #295 ·
Hi everyone, I thought that I would give an update to my story. As I mentioned in my last post, I finally discovered that it did go further then just kissing. It wasn't full blown sex, but just about everything you can do up to the sexual act itself. I have to admit that this really through me for a loop for about a day. However, I suddenly realized that, so what?…this was 20 years ago…the woman that I'm with right now, isn't the woman of 20 years ago…She's suffered for her indiscretion already…She's proven over these 20 years since, that she was and is committed to our relationship.

I now realize what a lot of people, on this board, already knew…I needed to move on past that past incident, which had already been addressed 20 years ago, NOT SWEPT UNDER THE RUG. I know that she was afraid of losing me, so she didn't want to tell me the full extent of the make out session. Having the benefit of growing with my wife over these years, I have to admit that I'm glad that she did not tell me the full extent back then. I would have ended the marriage and missed out on the life I've been lucky to have.

What really surprised me these past weeks, is how easily I was able to get passed the knowledge that it had gone as far as it did. Don't get me wrong, it really broke me down for a day or so, but, after looking at everything in totality, I realize that what I have now overrides this one indiscretion in time. Unlike the view of some on this board of my apparent misery , I've experienced great joy and happiness over these years. I allowed myself to question the past based on things that I've consistently read on this board related to discovering a kiss equaled sex. Although I feel confident that there wasn't sex, looking at the big picture, does it really matter….No!

Anyway, the wife and I are doing better than ever. I truly appreciate her more now then I did before this new discovery. I know there are many people on this board going through what I lived 20 years ago. It's difficult knowing if you're making the right decision to either reconcile or divorce. You're not sure if your spouse will just take the affair underground or have another affair later in the marriage. I have what most of you don't; I have the benefit of seeing my spouse in action over a 20 year period. I have the benefit of seeing how happy my life could be after infidelity. I see that people can make mistakes, and spend a life time becoming the spouse that their partner always thought they would be.

Thank you all for your support and advice. I only hope that which ever path your relationship eventually takes, that you will become stronger and have a successfully and fulfilling life afterwards.

20PlusYears
 
While I am glad that you are over it and that you know the truth, the simple facts are:

  1. She pretty much had sex with a friend 20 years ago
  2. She kept this from you for 20 years deceitfully, for self preservation reasons, while depriving you of free choice in the matter
  3. She still thinks about him (jokingly referred to him when you wouldn't take her to an event)
  4. Has not really been in the same situation as 20 years ago else who knows what might have happened

Remember that this is what you are now forgiving and going forward with. Good luck with the future.
 
While I am glad that you are over it and that you know the truth, the simple facts are:

  1. She pretty much had sex with a friend 20 years ago
  2. She kept this from you for 20 years deceitfully, for self preservation reasons, while depriving you of free choice in the matter
  3. She still thinks about him (jokingly referred to him when you wouldn't take her to an event)
  4. Has not really been in the same situation as 20 years ago else who knows what might have happened

Remember that this is what you are now forgiving and going forward with. Good luck with the future.
Yes. She has been thinking about him. Recently too. Good luck purging that.
 
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