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On occasion, she'll take out the hitachi and ask me to massage her, and i'll get Oral sex (but no bj per se')...It's like a transaction, with little emotion. Shes 50 now but has been complaining about a lack of libido since age 30. We got married when she was 28.

I went to lawyers at the point of threatening divorce for this and other reasons, including her inability to deal with hoarding and post partum depression which hasn't been handled. In fairness, I am bipolar, and when i'm doing well, things do seem to click more. But bipolar is a daily struggle, so communication issues are often present. In that regard, I'm not always a trip to the beach!
I used to ask for it nightly...she said, go mast., and now i'm addicted to chat rooms instead of this boilerplate non sex which has been so predominant. Problem is, I'm not getting enough of the "i wanna do it with you's"...at all. She doesn't mention my online activities which she encouraged. Problem is, I'm 49, still have a sex drive, and hers is erratic or missing if anything. She is working on her appearance lately though...doing hair every day. I think its just her untreated depression that has done us in. I'm waiting to see how things will be when daughter goes off to college next year. Any thoughts or comments?
 

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If it's been 1.5 years since sex, I doubt seeing your daughter go to college will be the magic transformation needed to turn her into a nympho. You clearly have thought about divorce, so you need to decide if that's really a route you want to take or not. If it is, do some planning and get yourself ready, just in case things don't improve.

In the meantime, I hope you are trying to deal with your bipolar issues.
 

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On occasion, she'll take out the hitachi and ask me to massage her, and i'll get Oral sex (but no bj per se')...It's like a transaction, with little emotion. Shes 50 now but has been complaining about a lack of libido since age 30. We got married when she was 28.

I went to lawyers at the point of threatening divorce for this and other reasons, including her inability to deal with hoarding and post partum depression which hasn't been handled. In fairness, I am bipolar, and when i'm doing well, things do seem to click more. But bipolar is a daily struggle, so communication issues are often present. In that regard, I'm not always a trip to the beach!
I used to ask for it nightly...she said, go mast., and now i'm addicted to chat rooms instead of this boilerplate non sex which has been so predominant. Problem is, I'm not getting enough of the "i wanna do it with you's"...at all. She doesn't mention my online activities which she encouraged. Problem is, I'm 49, still have a sex drive, and hers is erratic or missing if anything. She is working on her appearance lately though...doing hair every day. I think its just her untreated depression that has done us in. I'm waiting to see how things will be when daughter goes off to college next year. Any thoughts or comments?
That really sucks...My wife and I have been having problems since I retired...She says I spend too much time on my laptop, and don't interact with her, but as I am typing this, she is still in bed.....My wife is depressed due to the loss of 2 sisters in the past year,and she can't seem to pull herself out of it...I try to always be there for her but what can you really do to soften the pain of grief?

We recently had a big blowup about sex frequency, and divorce was mentioned...She has an issue with resentment, and it really makes "making up" hard...Wow... Neil Sedaka moment...

I'm sure your BP disorder can't make things any easier. Life is hard enough for those of us who sail with an even keel...

Can't really say anything to help you with your problems, but good luck...
 

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The hard question is - "If through all my efforts things do not change am I willing to accept a sexless marriage for the rest of my life? "

How long are you willing to make an effort to effect change?

What would be your ideal sexual relationship?

How much is the ideal different from your current situation?

At this point would it be better to throw in the towel and cut your loses?
 

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In fairness, I am bipolar, and when i'm doing well, things do seem to click more. But bipolar is a daily struggle, so communication issues are often present. In that regard, I'm not always a trip to the beach!
This kind of struck me. How can you want things to improve if you still have your own problems? I'd suggest getting yourself to a state where your BPD can't be an issue in the marriage before thinking about moving on.

And, in fairness, she needs to work on her issues too because when you are back in control there's little chance you will put up with her lack of interest in improving.

And maybe that's the message you need to deliver to her.
 
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