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It still hurts

10K views 71 replies 20 participants last post by  jlg07 
#1 ·
So currently in an IHS. Our first divorce hearing is next week. We don’t get along, we don’t speak and it’s contentious. On Valentine’s Day, I came home the doctor after work to a note that my kids and stbx were sleeping at her moms. I was not given the option to keep them with me. Come to find out she spent the night with an exbf and picked up the kids the next morning and came back home.

Getting in the shower last night she knocks on the door and asks if I am going out. I say no. She says she dropping off something at a friends house and will be back in 20 minutes. She comes back two hours later and we pass each other in the hall. I say something like “last nights booty call wasn’t enough you went back again”. She looked like she saw a ghost. She had no idea I knew.

Man, didn’t think this would hit me so hard to find out she’s getting laid. I’m bummed this weekend. Lord, I can’t wait for this to be over and I get out of this house.

Yes, I documented everything. The kids will be appointed a court law guardian and I have a lot of notes on her behavior.
 
#5 ·
I’m a little confused because you’ve been going on dates and talking to women. I kind of thought you are also trying to get back out there and would have had sex with someone by now if all things lined up right.

I know sometimes we hurt anyway even if we are doing the same things an ex is doing.

But reading your posts on the singles thread, I thought you had been saying you are ready for all of this?
 
#6 ·
True I spoke to one girl, had one date. I'm not saying it's fair for me to feel the way I do, I'm just saying how I feel. Seeing her out there connecting really had an effect on me. A bad one. I know I don't have my **** together and this is obvious. Her not giving me the option to have the kids home with me was again painful. The lying her mom and her do to cover up her bad behavior is also painful.

I'm not saying it's right, I just feel sad about the whole thing. I have not or would not ever spend a night away from my kids, dump them off on a family member for a booty call and that's exactly what she did.
 
#8 · (Edited)
I found IHS to be extremely difficult and if I had it to do over I would have done things differently. At the time, it made sense but I learned that what makes sense on paper can be a very different story when you are living it. All I can suggest is not focusing on anything your wife does. If you don’t, you’re in for a rough time.
 
#9 ·
In home separations absolutely suck. You can't heal while it's going on, so naturally everything she does is blatantly in your face and will hurt. Do you have a timeline for how long it has to last, or is there no end in sight?

While you have to endure it, encourage her to get out of the house as much as she likes. Don't focus on your own dating. Just encourage your ex to leave as much as possible and spend the time with your kids. Get her used to leaving them with you instead of her mother. Be the stable parent in their lives until you have separate homes and an access arrangement to follow.

And when she's there, don't engage with her. Treat her like a roommate you barely know and don't want to know. Talk about essential household logistics and nothing else.
 
#10 ·
We don’t speak at all. I broke down yesterday in my room all afternoon. She insisted on coming in because she was worried about me and the door was locked. I let her in. She was asking what was wrong. I didn’t answer I was just crying. My brother called and invited me to dinner with him and SIL. I needed that. This morning she offered to buy me out of the house. I told her we would get an appraisal. If she’s serious, this would be a huge step in the right direction for me. Fingers crossed!!
 
#11 ·
I think a buyout is the best case scenario for all involved right now. I'm glad that that is suddenly an option for you. I really hope that works out the way she presented it. Maybe start working on getting an appraisal done ASAP so she can't change her mind, if she's truly agreeing to that right now. That would be a wonderful first step in ending the IHS that sounds like emotional hell right now.
 
#13 ·
In addition to what FF has suggested I’d recommend putting a blurb on your online dating account that states something about not being ready and looking for people to talk to. I see this all the time on men’s profiles on POF. When you think about it, online dating sites are a good place to go to talk with people who’re going through the same thing. Worth a shot imo.
 
#16 ·
Making some headway. Court is next week, so the time to negotiate has come. I think a lot hinges on if I agree to joint legal custody but giving her residential custody. I haven’t agreed to that yet, because that opens me up to cs. But if she’s willing to let me have the kids at least one night a week and every other weekend, it’s a starting point. If she’s flexible on the finances and willing to buy me out of the house, for my own sanity I’d have to consider it.

She’s not a skank. She’s just light years ahead of me in this process and has apparently been “done” for quite sometime now. She’s obviously ready to date and has found someone and I am not ready. I think the fact that she found someone gives her a soft landing, thus the sudden willingness to negotiate. My state is a tough state to get divorced in. People can get hurt, painfully. I’m looking to avoid that hit.
 
#18 ·
She’s not a skank. She’s just light years ahead of me in this process and has apparently been “done” for quite sometime now. She’s obviously ready to date and has found someone and I am not ready. I think the fact that she found someone gives her a soft landing, thus the sudden willingness to negotiate. My state is a tough state to get divorced in. People can get hurt, painfully. I’m looking to avoid that hit.
I am not so sure about this one. I think over time you will find out different. I hope it helps you heal when you actually realize she was not all that...

Because she was not.
 
#19 ·
Making some headway. Court is next week, so the time to negotiate has come. I think a lot hinges on if I agree to joint legal custody but giving her residential custody. I haven’t agreed to that yet, because that opens me up to cs. But if she’s willing to let me have the kids at least one night a week and every other weekend, it’s a starting point. If she’s flexible on the finances and willing to buy me out of the house, for my own sanity I’d have to consider it.

@RebuildingMe,

I can't for the life of me figure out why you would agree to this. Let me just say this out loud: would you ever, in your wildest dreams, EXPECT her to agree to joint legal custody, but YOU get residential custody? In more concrete terms, would you ever expect her to agree to only having the kids one night a week and every other weekend...and YOU have them all the rest of the time? If not, then why in the world would YOU agree to that?

You are their equal parent, exactly the same as her. You are their FATHER, and they need their father as much or more than they need their mother. So at minimum I would recommend agreeing to 50/50 legal custody and residential custody. One week with you...one week with her. Or 4-3-3-4. Or something similar.

Now I get it--she has sort of dangled "buying you out of the house" so the IHS won't have to continue, and you're thinking "I'll give up something if she'll give up something." Let me put this to you in a realistic way: if she continues to try to control your parenting of the kids and the divorce and the finances and ... and... and... then she is heading toward an EYE-OPENING experience when the judge ORDERS (not suggests, but orders with power of enforcement), that the two of you SELL the house and each get your own place and 50% of the equity goes to each of you. And when the judge ORDERS that the kids stay with you HALF OF THE TIME and she can't interfere with your parenting. And when the judge ORDERS that you get half the finances and half the debt... same as her.

She just is not going to get the house, all the equity, all the finances, and all the time with the kids...and you just are not going to get all the debt and moved out! That's not how this works.

Thus, my recommendation is to be FIRM but wise. Accept nothing less than 50% custody (week-week... 4-3-3-4...whatever is half).

It may be that you are willing to go your own way and earn your own wage and have the kids half the time in your own home (that she will have literally no say about), and you choose to not request CS. I did that. My exH earned $6-7k/mo and I earned like $2.5k but I could take care of myself and I made custody my hill to die on.

It may be that you are willing to let her buy you out of the house, so that she stays in the current home and pays you half the equity in cash (so you can get your own place). That should have literally no effect on the custody. They aren't related.

It may be that you are willing to do ___ or ___ or ___ but do not sell yourself short when it comes to your kids and custody.

I think what would REALLY help you would be to read the actual laws about divorce for your state. For example, maybe you know a lot of dads who were screwed in their divorces by their xW's having shark lawyers. Well... the more you know about what the law actually is, the more you can help yourself and your attorney make a good case FOR YOU...and make a defense for what STBX's lawyer will likely claim!! Knowledge is power. So let me know your state and I'll send you a link to your laws.
 
#17 ·
I will also say that the process of having a court appointed law guardian interview us and then the kids, asking 8 year olds if they’d rather live with mommy or daddy, who feeds you, who does your homework, who gives you showers makes me sick to my stomach. I can’t imagine putting them through that. This process is so ****ed up.
 
#23 ·
I'm fully with @Affaircare on this one. Split custody, both physical and legal, should be an absolute STARTING point in ANY child custody negotiations. 50% equal custody for both parents. It would be a damn shame down the road for the kids to find out that you had a shot to have them more often than one day per week and every-other weekend, but didn't go for it. You're right...the day will come when the kids will be able to make decision on their own. It would just suck for them to make a decision based on any kind of resentment they might come up with that you didn't negotiate or find a way to have them with you more of the time. I'm sure your lawyer will work on finding a way for you to get equal custody...if not, I would start questioning the way he/she does business.
 
#33 ·
1 night per week + every other weekend means that out of 14 days, he sees them 3. That's 11 days with mom and 3 days with dad or closer to 80/20...which would be far better than NO DAYS with dad, but I'm suggesting start from 7 days with each parent and negotiate from there. At 9yo a true 50/50 custody split is reasonable.

And note to self: I'm not saying that a dad who has 1 night a week + every other weekend is a minor influence or an un-involved father, but I am saying that as an adult he has an opportunity to raise his children as he sees fit and teach them the values that he believes, just as equally and strongly and identically as the children's mother. I don't think it's reasonable to diminish their relationship with their mother. I DO think it is reasonable to step up and be as much of a parent (caring and providing for them) as he is expecting of her. In addition, if he expects or hopes that his kids will one day stand up against an abusive adult, it is reasonable to hold himself to that same level of expectation...one EQUAL ADULT to another (not child to adult).

Make sense? In other words, start from strength and negotiate a little. Don't start from fear and hope kids will do what the grown up can't.
 
#35 ·
I feel like if this arrangement is what works for this family, it’s not our place to argue that it’s wrong. Also good to keep in mind that the quality of the time spent is the most important part. I kinda feel like he is being guilted here and that’s not fair, we don’t know their schedules or the dispositions of their kids. If no one feels slighted then I think it’s good they can agree. Being flexible and amicable is so important for the peace of mind for the kids involved in any divorce.




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#36 ·
Just to be clear, she was offering every other weekend. That’s 4 out of 28 days. I asked for 2 days the week and every other weekend. That puts us at 12/16 split. She came back at one day a week and every other weekend. 8/20 split. I think I can push one day a week on weeks I have weekend and two on the non weekend months. That puts us at 10/18 or 36% to her 64%. I am asking if a reduction in CS to agree. She wants full CS but would be willing to wave her share piece of the condo and give it to me free and clear. That’s what on the table right now.

More importantly, I moved in to my brothers tonight and felt right at home. I’m hoping for some ‘out of sight out of mind’ correction in me.
 
#37 ·
More importantly, I moved in to my brothers tonight and felt right at home. I’m hoping for some ‘out of sight out of mind’ correction in me.
I think this is going to do wonders for your mental state, I am glad you took that step to get away from her for at least a while.
 
#51 ·
Coincidentally, after I went to my brother’s, her attorney adjourned next weeks hearing for another two weeks. The plan could have been to wait me out, then move for emergency relief for child support effective immediately. So it was a visit to help my brother after he had surgery last month. It was also a much needed break after my chest pains due to stress and anxiety. I am back home. No harm, no foul. The kids were off from school this week anyhow and I’ll be getting them ready for school and putting them on the bus next week like daddy always does.

My time will come. Now wasn’t it.
 
#53 ·
Update: I had my first appointment with the kids law guardian today. He said that in today's world, as long as both parents live close by or in the same school district, the courts will likely decide on 50/50 custody and visitation. Unless one or more of the children strongly object to either parent (this is not the case), 50/50 is likely. He also said he knows stbx's attorney, and he is also sure her attorney knows this as well. He then spoke to each of my kids individually. I know this is only meeting one, and she will be meeting with him and the kids next month and will give a different version of events, but he seemed very fair and reasonable. I left his office optimistic.
 
#54 ·
I know it doesn't feel like it but your life will go on, you will have great joys you never thought you would have again and then probably deep sadness that you didn't think you would have either.

As you get older you learn that that is what makes a rich life. It's not really about if it last forever or not it's about did you love as hard as you could. The reason that is is because nothing NOTHING in this world last forever. You just try to live with honor and go as hard as you can.
 
#55 ·
Update: still in IHS and came to a head last week when we got heated in an argument. I took out my phone to record it, she went to smack it out of my hands and hit me she took the kids to her mothers house. She was gone for 4 days. I called the police and so did she. She came back to the house, by herself, everyday she was gone. Once was to take a shower and then leave her dildo out at my bedroom door with a note that read, “don’t need this one either. When it’s good, it’s good!” The next day she came to bang on my bedroom door excessively while I was on a work skype call with me team. We both made emergency petitions to kick each other out of the house and the judge denied them both. The petition that my lawyer drew up did put a spotlight on her and the judge now knows she not the squeaky clean housewife, teacher that she portrays herself to be. I need this to come to an end. No further negotiations. The judge saw the photo of the dildo and her note as well as video of her banging on my door trying to interfere with my career. He still denied both motions and my attorney said the bar is really, really high to have someone thrown out of the house, especially now.
 
#59 ·
... No further negotiations. The judge saw the photo of the dildo and her note as well as video of her banging on my door trying to interfere with my career. He still denied both motions and my attorney said the bar is really, really high to have someone thrown out of the house, especially now.
Unfortunately, the COVID "quarantine" has made it impractical for judges to throw people out of the spot they are in, and no doubt your wife made it seem that if the judge removed HER that he would also be displacing the kids as well. Essentially, unless there is literal, physical domestic violence documentable and proven, it is unlikely anyone will be ordered to go anywhere.

That being the case, is there a way for you to look at your schedule and come up with alternatives to avoid being in her vicinity? For example, I'm guessing that you are working from home at least part of the time, and being a teacher, she is also. Can you dedicate one room to "your office" and close and lock the office door (to avoid her)? Can you volunteer to go into the office and be the only person in the office? Could you spend Mon-Thurs at your brother's condo and have her spend Fri-Sun at some alternate location so that you two are not together at home at the same time? I realize she may not be willing to cooperate, but you can look at yourself, your job, and your schedule and see what YOU can do to stay the heck away from her! In addition, you can determine when YOU will be with the kids!

For example, if you sleep in one guest bedroom, and she's in another--you are apart. If you turn your room into a bedroom/office, you can put a lock on your door--you are apart. If her schedule is 8am-3pm at home (home-schooling and teaching), you can be in your office those hours--you are apart. You cook dinner for yourself and the kids from 4-6pm--let her fend for herself. She leaves the house at 7pm every night, but you leave on Wed. and Fri. nights and let her watch her own children. Etc... make sense?

Grey rock is your friend right now. Think of her as the teller at the bank. If the teller at the bank left you a note about her dildo, would you get all upset? Nope! You'd possibly be amused! She's no one to you--just the grocery store clerk or the maid at the motel.
 
#58 ·
No sir, she is now in panic mode. You have her physically assaulting you. That is a case killer. That is why she is trying to get you to react. That is why the dildo was left, that is why she was trying to get you to scream at her, something so that her lawyer can deflect the crap that she just caused. Please keep your temper and grey rock her. Her emotions are running pretty damn high. She is making mistakes and it will become clearer to you when your lawyer has to gut her. Your lawyer has probably not conveyed this to you but her swatting that phone and missing, is a decent silver lining to that arguement. Her case has been hobbled. Her credibility has been compromised. Keep a neutral expression on your face, it will infuriate her. She has a short time period to have you blow a gasket, and if you do not, she will have to make some major concessions, otherwise this could go very much south for her.
 
#63 · (Edited)
You are exactly right. My lawyer said this was a wake up call for her lawyer. He knows now what type of client he now has. Neither of us won our motions (didn't think we would), but my papers, exhibits (photos and videos) and police report were so much better than hers and put this case in a new direction. It totally changed the narrative.
 
#60 ·
Pick up some cheap webcams off amazon or whatever. Set them up in only the shared spaces of the house, and let her know you've done so, and they are for the protection of you both. Give her access to the feeds.

It should keep both of you on the straight and narrow.

In the meantime, consider finding a new lawyer or at least getting a second opinion. I think yours might suck.
 
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