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Discussion Starter #1
So currently in an IHS. Our first divorce hearing is next week. We don’t get along, we don’t speak and it’s contentious. On Valentine’s Day, I came home the doctor after work to a note that my kids and stbx were sleeping at her moms. I was not given the option to keep them with me. Come to find out she spent the night with an exbf and picked up the kids the next morning and came back home.

Getting in the shower last night she knocks on the door and asks if I am going out. I say no. She says she dropping off something at a friends house and will be back in 20 minutes. She comes back two hours later and we pass each other in the hall. I say something like “last nights booty call wasn’t enough you went back again”. She looked like she saw a ghost. She had no idea I knew.

Man, didn’t think this would hit me so hard to find out she’s getting laid. I’m bummed this weekend. Lord, I can’t wait for this to be over and I get out of this house.

Yes, I documented everything. The kids will be appointed a court law guardian and I have a lot of notes on her behavior.
 

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I've been following your posts, and this one hit me right in the gut. I'm so sorry that you're going through what you're going through, man. As cliche as it sounds, keep your head up and know that days/weeks/months like these will be a faint memory one day...and you'll be happy again.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
I've been following your posts, and this one hit me right in the gut. I'm so sorry that you're going through what you're going through, man. As cliche as it sounds, keep your head up and know that days/weeks/months like these will be a faint memory one day...and you'll be happy again.
Thank you for that. This hit me like a ton of bricks. I’ve got little family close to me, but I’m going to my brothers house today to talk to someone. I haven’t been this sad in a long, long time. It feels like another dday to me, even thought the divorce has been filed.
 

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I’m a little confused because you’ve been going on dates and talking to women. I kind of thought you are also trying to get back out there and would have had sex with someone by now if all things lined up right.

I know sometimes we hurt anyway even if we are doing the same things an ex is doing.

But reading your posts on the singles thread, I thought you had been saying you are ready for all of this?
 

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Discussion Starter #6
I’m a little confused because you’ve been going on dates and talking to women. I kind of thought you are also trying to get back out there and would have had sex with someone by now if all things lined up right.

I know sometimes we hurt anyway even if we are doing the same things an ex is doing.

But reading your posts on the singles thread, I thought you had been saying you are ready for all of this?
True I spoke to one girl, had one date. I'm not saying it's fair for me to feel the way I do, I'm just saying how I feel. Seeing her out there connecting really had an effect on me. A bad one. I know I don't have my **** together and this is obvious. Her not giving me the option to have the kids home with me was again painful. The lying her mom and her do to cover up her bad behavior is also painful.

I'm not saying it's right, I just feel sad about the whole thing. I have not or would not ever spend a night away from my kids, dump them off on a family member for a booty call and that's exactly what she did.
 

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I’m a little confused because you’ve been going on dates and talking to women. I kind of thought you are also trying to get back out there and would have had sex with someone by now if all things lined up right.

I know sometimes we hurt anyway even if we are doing the same things an ex is doing.

But reading your posts on the singles thread, I thought you had been saying you are ready for all of this?
True I spoke to one girl, had one date. I'm not saying it's fair for me to feel the way I do, I'm just saying how I feel. Seeing her out there connecting really had an effect on me. A bad one. I know I don't have my **** together and this is obvious. Her not giving me the option to have the kids home with me was again painful. The lying her mom and her do to cover up her bad behavior is also painful.

I'm not saying it's right, I just feel sad about the whole thing. I have not or would not ever spend a night away from my kids, dump them off on a family member for a booty call and that's exactly what she did.
For your own sanity, an IHS needs some ground rules. You need to sit and have a talk with her about what is ok and what is not for dating others. Be honest with her that you will be going on some dates too and maybe negotiate one a week for each of you to be away from the house no questions asked.

I know this does hurt. But you are on a hard path with IHS. This is going to keep bumping into your heart. You will have to just get through it. I don’t know your full story but most people can’t handle an IHS. I actually recommend you get out of it and one of you move out nearby. Have you checked out what is called nesting? For divorced parents.

But since that’s probably not likely and you will continue with the IHS, why dump the kids anywhere for dates or booty calls. Just be available to watch kids yourselves on each other’s night off. You’re going to be making a booty call one of these days soon.

As we talked about in the singles thread though, I think you aren’t quite as ready as you think you are but I also think you should keep distracting yourself as much as you can.
 

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I found IHS to be extremely difficult and if I had it to do over I would have done things differently. At the time, it made sense but I learned that what makes sense on paper can be a very different story when you are living it. All I can suggest is not focusing on anything your wife does. If you don’t, you’re in for a rough time.
 

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In home separations absolutely suck. You can't heal while it's going on, so naturally everything she does is blatantly in your face and will hurt. Do you have a timeline for how long it has to last, or is there no end in sight?

While you have to endure it, encourage her to get out of the house as much as she likes. Don't focus on your own dating. Just encourage your ex to leave as much as possible and spend the time with your kids. Get her used to leaving them with you instead of her mother. Be the stable parent in their lives until you have separate homes and an access arrangement to follow.

And when she's there, don't engage with her. Treat her like a roommate you barely know and don't want to know. Talk about essential household logistics and nothing else.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
We don’t speak at all. I broke down yesterday in my room all afternoon. She insisted on coming in because she was worried about me and the door was locked. I let her in. She was asking what was wrong. I didn’t answer I was just crying. My brother called and invited me to dinner with him and SIL. I needed that. This morning she offered to buy me out of the house. I told her we would get an appraisal. If she’s serious, this would be a huge step in the right direction for me. Fingers crossed!!
 

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We don’t speak at all. I broke down yesterday in my room all afternoon. She insisted on coming in because she was worried about me and the door was locked. I let her in. She was asking what was wrong. I didn’t answer I was just crying. My brother called and invited me to dinner with him and SIL. I needed that. This morning she offered to buy me out of the house. I told her we would get an appraisal. If she’s serious, this would be a huge step in the right direction for me. Fingers crossed!!
I think a buyout is the best case scenario for all involved right now. I'm glad that that is suddenly an option for you. I really hope that works out the way she presented it. Maybe start working on getting an appraisal done ASAP so she can't change her mind, if she's truly agreeing to that right now. That would be a wonderful first step in ending the IHS that sounds like emotional hell right now.
 

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In addition to what FF has suggested I’d recommend putting a blurb on your online dating account that states something about not being ready and looking for people to talk to. I see this all the time on men’s profiles on POF. When you think about it, online dating sites are a good place to go to talk with people who’re going through the same thing. Worth a shot imo.
 

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Why doesnt she do the right thing and move her skanky ass OUT of your house??


How is she a skanky ass and why would you say it is his house? They are separated and both are dating. The house is marital property. Unless I missed something...


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Talk to a lawyer.

Next time you come home to a note, change the locks.

You might have a case for her being the one that left the house.

You are just going to increase your trauma and conflict the kids will pick up on if you keep trying to live with her.
 

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Discussion Starter #16
Making some headway. Court is next week, so the time to negotiate has come. I think a lot hinges on if I agree to joint legal custody but giving her residential custody. I haven’t agreed to that yet, because that opens me up to cs. But if she’s willing to let me have the kids at least one night a week and every other weekend, it’s a starting point. If she’s flexible on the finances and willing to buy me out of the house, for my own sanity I’d have to consider it.

She’s not a skank. She’s just light years ahead of me in this process and has apparently been “done” for quite sometime now. She’s obviously ready to date and has found someone and I am not ready. I think the fact that she found someone gives her a soft landing, thus the sudden willingness to negotiate. My state is a tough state to get divorced in. People can get hurt, painfully. I’m looking to avoid that hit.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
I will also say that the process of having a court appointed law guardian interview us and then the kids, asking 8 year olds if they’d rather live with mommy or daddy, who feeds you, who does your homework, who gives you showers makes me sick to my stomach. I can’t imagine putting them through that. This process is so ****ed up.
 

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She’s not a skank. She’s just light years ahead of me in this process and has apparently been “done” for quite sometime now. She’s obviously ready to date and has found someone and I am not ready. I think the fact that she found someone gives her a soft landing, thus the sudden willingness to negotiate. My state is a tough state to get divorced in. People can get hurt, painfully. I’m looking to avoid that hit.
I am not so sure about this one. I think over time you will find out different. I hope it helps you heal when you actually realize she was not all that...

Because she was not.
 

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Making some headway. Court is next week, so the time to negotiate has come. I think a lot hinges on if I agree to joint legal custody but giving her residential custody. I haven’t agreed to that yet, because that opens me up to cs. But if she’s willing to let me have the kids at least one night a week and every other weekend, it’s a starting point. If she’s flexible on the finances and willing to buy me out of the house, for my own sanity I’d have to consider it.

@RebuildingMe,

I can't for the life of me figure out why you would agree to this. Let me just say this out loud: would you ever, in your wildest dreams, EXPECT her to agree to joint legal custody, but YOU get residential custody? In more concrete terms, would you ever expect her to agree to only having the kids one night a week and every other weekend...and YOU have them all the rest of the time? If not, then why in the world would YOU agree to that?

You are their equal parent, exactly the same as her. You are their FATHER, and they need their father as much or more than they need their mother. So at minimum I would recommend agreeing to 50/50 legal custody and residential custody. One week with you...one week with her. Or 4-3-3-4. Or something similar.

Now I get it--she has sort of dangled "buying you out of the house" so the IHS won't have to continue, and you're thinking "I'll give up something if she'll give up something." Let me put this to you in a realistic way: if she continues to try to control your parenting of the kids and the divorce and the finances and ... and... and... then she is heading toward an EYE-OPENING experience when the judge ORDERS (not suggests, but orders with power of enforcement), that the two of you SELL the house and each get your own place and 50% of the equity goes to each of you. And when the judge ORDERS that the kids stay with you HALF OF THE TIME and she can't interfere with your parenting. And when the judge ORDERS that you get half the finances and half the debt... same as her.

She just is not going to get the house, all the equity, all the finances, and all the time with the kids...and you just are not going to get all the debt and moved out! That's not how this works.

Thus, my recommendation is to be FIRM but wise. Accept nothing less than 50% custody (week-week... 4-3-3-4...whatever is half).

It may be that you are willing to go your own way and earn your own wage and have the kids half the time in your own home (that she will have literally no say about), and you choose to not request CS. I did that. My exH earned $6-7k/mo and I earned like $2.5k but I could take care of myself and I made custody my hill to die on.

It may be that you are willing to let her buy you out of the house, so that she stays in the current home and pays you half the equity in cash (so you can get your own place). That should have literally no effect on the custody. They aren't related.

It may be that you are willing to do ___ or ___ or ___ but do not sell yourself short when it comes to your kids and custody.

I think what would REALLY help you would be to read the actual laws about divorce for your state. For example, maybe you know a lot of dads who were screwed in their divorces by their xW's having shark lawyers. Well... the more you know about what the law actually is, the more you can help yourself and your attorney make a good case FOR YOU...and make a defense for what STBX's lawyer will likely claim!! Knowledge is power. So let me know your state and I'll send you a link to your laws.
 

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She’s not a skank. She’s just light years ahead of me in this process and has apparently been “done” for quite sometime now. She’s obviously ready to date and has found someone and I am not ready. I think the fact that she found someone gives her a soft landing, thus the sudden willingness to negotiate. My state is a tough state to get divorced in. People can get hurt, painfully. I’m looking to avoid that hit.

Well said. Obviously you have put a lot of thought into your situation. Keep the high road. You wouldn’t want to end up bitter like some...uhhh...let’s just leave that right there ;)




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