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So a lot of folks here tell you it "just takes time". That actually is not true. It is a kind of a short hand for what you do in that time that makes the difference.

A few years of ruminating about a failed marriage results in -- more years of ruminating about a failed marriage.

I was married 32 years to a truly awful person and it had me spiraling downward until I forced myself to do much more than moping in a pity party.

I'm not trivializing the sad feelings I had them. Actually, still do.

However, I got on with my life.

Took up hobbies I'd dropped, got used to living with out the shrew, travelled, reconnected with my kids better.

I found a few new friends, I'm no social butterfly, so that took effort. I also looked up old friends.

And you know what? I went out and got laid. Yup, found out there were women out there that I did not have to be plotting the next 32 years with. Had some fun.

Then, kismet hit and I met the love of my life going forward. We've been married now 6 years.

The ex? I don't think of her most of the time. She ruined my life and I saved it.
 

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It does take time to work through your resentment issues, but the fact is you are in control of those feelings. You have to get so busy living your life that you don't have time to think of hers. Hobbies, take a class, start reading the classics, exercise, volunteer your time. All these are things to take your mind off of her and make you a more interesting individual and gives you a connection to new people. Since you have children, she is not going to go away, so you either figure out how to deal with those emotions or you can let them eat at you forever. I agree with Rowan that you need to get the kids out of the middle. When it is mothers day, birthday or Christmas, you need to help them come up with a nice gift for her. This is not for her, but to teach your children thoughtful and kind. You don't have to like her, but you need to learn how to be civil. Again this is not something that she has earned, but because she is your children's mother. You are teaching your children how to deal with adversity. The question is what do you want the lesson to be, bitterness and resentment or perseverance.
 

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Honestly one thing that helps and it's hugely underrated is to volunteer and help out other that have it much worse than you, whether elderly people, abused pets, children w/ special needs, etc..... It brings a lot of positive reinforcement to get you out of your painful thoughts when you realize you can make a tangible and real benefit to someones life, someone that has it much worse than you, and also didn't have a say on it.... It worked great for me.....and it was extremely helpful....
I have always felt disturbed and sickened by how animals are abused so horribly.... So I went and helped out with that, and it greatly healed my heart n soul, and it really made betrayal and infidelity look pretty lame and tiny for me, it became lesser of a burden

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Discussion Starter #25
Nasman did your XWW ever show any remorse or regret at all for what she did to you and the family?

I think she was regretful and remorseful, not for me but for her children and how it made her look in the eyes of family and people. I think she was remorseful because of how it would cause HER financial hardship and cause her children stress. She was remorseful because it made her look stupid in front of family and friends. She never admitted to me who the guy was (Coworker) but my gut feeling was he was a loser and didn't want to give me the satisfaction. If the guy was a supermodel making 200k I think she would have admitted to who he was. That being said it wasn't those affairs were the guy was going to commit to her lol.

In all honesty, I think she liked having me as a stable provider and the father to her children, but like screwing the guy at work on the side. She even made a comment I don't know why you rushed to the divorce and I could have had my cake and ate it too. lol.

Things she said about the affair after being caught.
- She didn't have feelings for the guy it was only physical and sex.
-She got caught in an empty fantasy.
-Knew she was playing with fire but the excitement fooled her.

These 3 points I believe and she said the guy was going through a divorce. She wasn't thinking about leaving me, but I do feel she loved her affair and liked the guy more than she is willing to admit. If it was just sex you are not going to spend an extra hour to get ready, there has to be feelings there. Did she want to leave me no? If the guy was a winner and more stable would she have left me for him? I think it is possible.


Also, immediately after she cheated she wanted to go on a last vacation trip as a family. She was also posting about how great of a dad I was shortly after on I caught her cheating on social media. I think that was desperation to buy her time and convince me to stay. Also, she begged me not to tell her family or my family. So in the end I think it was about her and making her look good and not about me.

To sum it up did she regret it? yes, but not for me but for the stress it caused her
  • The guy was a loser
  • She lost income and millions in the divorce ( I lost too)
  • Was embarrased for her family and my family and how kids will feel about her in the future.
  • Lost time with her kids.
If the guy was more successfully financial than me and stayed with her I don't think she would have been as stressed.
 

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I think she was regretful and remorseful, not for me but for her children and how it made her look in the eyes of family and people. I think she was remorseful because of how it would cause HER financial hardship and cause her children stress. She was remorseful because it made her look stupid in front of family and friends. She never admitted to me who the guy was (Coworker) but my gut feeling was he was a loser and didn't want to give me the satisfaction. If the guy was a supermodel making 200k I think she would have admitted to who he was. That being said it wasn't those affairs were the guy was going to commit to her lol.

In all honesty, I think she liked having me as a stable provider and the father to her children, but like screwing the guy at work on the side. She even made a comment I don't know why you rushed to the divorce and I could have had my cake and ate it too. lol.

Things she said about the affair after being caught.
- She didn't have feelings for the guy it was only physical and sex.
-She got caught in an empty fantasy.
-Knew she was playing with fire but the excitement fooled her.

These 3 points I believe and she said the guy was going through a divorce. She wasn't thinking about leaving me, but I do feel she loved her affair and liked the guy more than she is willing to admit. If it was just sex you are not going to spend an extra hour to get ready, there has to be feelings there. Did she want to leave me no? If the guy was a winner and more stable would she have left me for him? I think it is possible.


Also, immediately after she cheated she wanted to go on a last vacation trip as a family. She was also posting about how great of a dad I was shortly after on I caught her cheating on social media. I think that was desperation to buy her time and convince me to stay. Also, she begged me not to tell her family or my family. So in the end I think it was about her and making her look good and not about me.

To sum it up did she regret it? yes, but not for me but for the stress it caused her
  • The guy was a loser
  • She lost income and millions in the divorce ( I lost too)
  • Was embarrased for her family and my family and how kids will feel about her in the future.
  • Lost time with her kids.
If the guy was more successfully financial than me and stayed with her I don't think she would have been as stressed.
Man read that list over and over. Then kick your own ass for ever feeling sad because that piece of trash out of your life. I mean I get muscle memory and stuff but dude, Ding Dong the Witch is Dead. Seriously what did you lose? She sucked.

And here is the thing someone who does that, who says to their partner of 10 years, who risks her own kids family, for what she calls only sex is not capable of real love. That person is too selfish and doesn't have it in them. It's in their nature, and that nature is garbage. They also make for terrible spouses, it's just that people that are married to them have no context to know this. If you end up with a good women you will know this day and you will kick yourself for wasting time with this other "person". I'm telling you!

Look it's OK to miss being married, but you can still be married one day, and guess what it doesn't have to be to this asshole! Oh Happy Day! Get it! Your dream isn't over if anything you just eliminated the biggest obstacle. See your problem now is your perspective is off, that's really it. Work on that.

Work on your picker, get some IC to figure out why it is you married this person and why you are still feeling bad about the fact that she is gone. You say you did everything in the marriage, well that isn't a good sign, that is not how a good marriage works. You should have been a team. Work on that, figure out if you are codependent, if your are the Knight in Shinning Armor type, meaning a nice guy who thinks the only way a woman will love and stay with him is if he is sacrificing himself for her all the time. Remember the damsel doesn't end up with the Knight, she ends up with the King (and I don't mean that in a Ralph Kramden kind of way I mean in this King sort of way).

Read on this boards, believe it or not there are only about 5 infidelity stories, it gets to the point that you can see the signals very early on and also know the outcome. I am serious, and that will be helpful for you to pick out some red flags, knock s**t out before it begins. Then have the courage to give yourself permission to have hope. You know it very probable that you can meet someone else and have a great life, and the truth is even being alone is better then being with that jerk you were with. But you may have to work on yourself first. Nothing good in life comes without risk and effort.

Seriously dude, think about it, what did you really lose? Your life is not over and you cleaned out some garbage in your life so you now have room for someone better.
 

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Discussion Starter #27
Man read that list over and over. Then kick your own ass for ever feeling sad because that piece of trash out of your life. I mean I get muscle memory and stuff but dude, Ding Dong the Witch is Dead. Seriously what did you lose? She sucked.

And here is the thing someone who does that, who says to their partner of 10 years, who risks her own kids family, for what she calls only sex is not capable of real love. That person is too selfish and doesn't have it in them. It's in their nature, and that nature is garbage. They also make for terrible spouses, it's just that people that are married to them have no context to know this. If you end up with a good women you will know this day and you will kick yourself for wasting time with this other "person". I'm telling you!

Look it's OK to miss being married, but you can still be married one day, and guess what it doesn't have to be to this asshole! Oh Happy Day! Get it! Your dream isn't over if anything you just eliminated the biggest obstacle. See your problem now is your perspective is off, that's really it. Work on that.

Work on your picker, get some IC to figure out why it is you married this person and why you are still feeling bad about the fact that she is gone. You say you did everything in the marriage, well that isn't a good sign, that is not how a good marriage works. You should have been a team. Work on that, figure out if you are codependent, if your are the Knight in Shinning Armor type, meaning a nice guy who thinks the only way a woman will love and stay with him is if he is sacrificing himself for her all the time. Remember the damsel doesn't end up with the Knight, she ends up with the King (and I don't mean that in a Ralph Kramden kind of way I mean in this King sort of way).

Read on this boards, believe it or not there are only about 5 infidelity stories, it gets to the point that you can see the signals very early on and also know the outcome. I am serious, and that will be helpful for you to pick out some red flags, knock s**t out before it begins. Then have the courage to give yourself permission to have hope. You know it very probable that you can meet someone else and have a great life, and the truth is even being alone is better then being with that jerk you were with. But you may have to work on yourself first. Nothing good in life comes without risk and effort.

Seriously dude, think about it, what did you really lose? Your life is not over and you cleaned out some garbage in your life so you now have room for someone better.
Man thanks for this post!

It really resonates with me!

So much wisdom in what you said!
 

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Man thanks for this post!

It really resonates with me!

So much wisdom in what you said!
Been there my friend. You are a year out, that is enough healing for you to be able to start disciplining your mind. It's like exercising and lifting weights it takes constancy every day but it also becomes a lifestyle. It gets a lot easier once you start to do it. If this post helped save this post on your phone and read it before you go down the rabbit hole. Don't allow your mind to tell you stories.

The best thing is you really have a lot to look forward to, you have your entire life open to you now. Stop looking backward and start looking forward. Take advantage of that. Get ****ing excited about that. Go do things you always wanted. Take chances and be the man you always wanted to be. That is what life is about and what your life should be about.

But also work on your picker just to be sure, pay it forward here because that will help you but also if you read, you will really do start to get wise about how this stuff happens and red flags.

But most of all have some hope. Why are you assuming your life is going to suck? You have control over that and a relationship or not doesn't have to be the reason why it's good or not.
 

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One more thing, maybe start reading, asking women and men you know who have good relationships why they think that is. Ask what they think makes a good husband. Ask and read about what women are attracted to. But also read books, message boards and blogs about it because people may not be so open. Lots of times us men have been taught the wrong things about how women and relationships work. The media gives us false stories about this too.

For instance no woman is going to be into you physically just because you are nice and do things for her, which is such a common but ridiculous misconception that lots of men have. When you think about it, it terribly unfair to women. I mean do you want to have sex with someone because she cooked dinner for you? How stupid is that idea. "The pasta was so good, I want to jump your bones." Um same thing.

It seems like lots of women have a desire response, meaning being desired really turns her on. Which would explain the whole affair down phenomenon that you hear about all the time. The husband may be better in all ways but he didn't show his desire for her the way this guy did. Serial "other men" know this and they game it. That doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you gaming this too in a healthy way with the person you are with. In the same way it's not right to be flirty and dress sexy for another guy but it's great if you do that for your husband.

But showing desire IS NOT whining about not having sex or her doing things in bed that you want. It's sending her a text when she as work saying - "You look so hot in that dress when you left this morning I nearly lost my mind. I can't stop thinking about you." It's also paying attention and acknowledging who she is and what she does for you. finally it's saying when you are unhappy and working through it, and making sure she feels comfortable telling you when she is not happy and you are receptive to it. Now you may know all that but lots of guys don't so I am posting this just as a statement.

Look you can learn a lot about desire by reading about affairs, the desire is just a corrupt version of how a healthy relationship should work. Yes it is hightend by the danger, but you can even do things that are exciting with the person you are committed to. It needs to be about the experience, but usually to do that you have to build trust.

People don't understand that this stuff works like anything else you have to work at it, learn about it. I mean you wouldn't just assume you knew everything about your car because you bought one right? Do you know the specifics of the engine. If you want to be a good steward of your car you learn how to be one. How much more so your primary relationship. That is something you can do when you are in a relationship or not.
 

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To give you guys my back story I caught my wife cheating on me a year ago. We were married for 10 years and have 2 kids together. I gave everything in that marriage and never felt so betrayed in my life. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I am in my mid 40's with w school age children and find it very hard to date someone I am compatible with. Also, I don't feel like I am even ready for a relationship. I am not ready to give my heart and soul to someone. My emotions go in waves I will feel great for a few months and than get back in a funk for a few months. Recently it marked the 1 year anniversary of our divorce and to be honest it kind of brought back memories again.

Do you guys have any tips that helped you get through this? I stay in shape and workout, but what else can I do. Honestly, I still carry anger and resentment toward my ex and wouldn't care if she got hit by a bus tomorrow if it wasn't for my kids.

please help and give me some tips.

I know some folks don't agree, but I read the series of books called "The Rational Male". The author is Rollo Tomossi (sp).

While he is fairly prickly on some things...nothing I have experienced in 4 decades of life conflicts with his conclusions. They aren't PC or for those easily offended....but I think they explain dating/relationships/women from a male perspective.
 

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Discussion Starter #31
I know some folks don't agree, but I read the series of books called "The Rational Male". The author is Rollo Tomossi (sp).

While he is fairly prickly on some things...nothing I have experienced in 4 decades of life conflicts with his conclusions. They aren't PC or for those easily offended....but I think they explain dating/relationships/women from a male perspective.
I read his books as well and I also agree with a lot of what he says. I think men and woman are different and cheat for different reasons and I believe in his theory on hypergamy as well. That being said I don't think I want to get into that topic here.
 

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Just believe in yourself and be yourself, you have much to offer in a relation ship. I was 50 and found a new wife within a few years. Definitely played the field before, but came out good. Been in a good marriage for 18 years now.
 

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I read his books as well and I also agree with a lot of what he says. I think men and woman are different and cheat for different reasons and I believe in his theory on hypergamy as well. That being said I don't think I want to get into that topic here.
Men and Women cheat because they are garbage. That's all you need to know. You depose of your garbage lest it stinks up your house.
 

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I have to agree with sokillme. You need to stop mourning the loss of this woman who obviously never loved you, nor does she seem capable of loving anyone. She's a menace. They should set up those flashing emergency pylons around her everywhere she goes.
 

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Nasman, at one year, you are acting prototypically. It is absolutely normal to hate your ex. She stole the stability and the image of your marriage. Experience tells me that you likely have another year or so before you are ready to be with another individual. In the meantime, don't go looking for dates, find group activities that you would enjoy, and make new acquaintances. I find a lot of my guys, are really hesitant to talk about the river of crap they have navigated. When you feel confident please get out there. The anger will dissipate. You will feel open to new things, time and tide.

let me say one last thing; Your marriage ended because she gambled. She liked the sex and the thrill, but did not carry it to a logical conclusion. I have also been there when the betrayed REPLACES the wayward. The final nail in the coffin. That is the ultimate comeuppance. People who had not spoken in several years, suddenly are behooved to at least comment. My favorite was a story I have recounted often. She showed up on the doorstep after her OM kicked her to the curb. This was 9-10 months ago that she flew the coop, took up with OM and left her husband and kids. We got him un-hitched in fairly record time. So one Sunday she shows up looking like an overstuffed sausage, mascara running, tears staining her cheeks, and says to her ex as he opens the front door that she made the worst mistake of her life, and she knows now that he is her one true love, and if he'd see his way clear, they could just pick up where they'd left off. She did not notice at first someone coming down the stairs from her former bedroom. Then a young pretty woman came to the door, flashed an engagement ring, said that the wedding is in four weeks, and no thanks, we gave at the office (love that expression). The new fiance then slammed the front door into the exWW's face. ExWW showed up at our offices trying to figure out how to reverse the D decree.
 
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