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To give you guys my back story I caught my wife cheating on me a year ago. We were married for 10 years and have 2 kids together. I gave everything in that marriage and never felt so betrayed in my life. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I am in my mid 40's with w school age children and find it very hard to date someone I am compatible with. Also, I don't feel like I am even ready for a relationship. I am not ready to give my heart and soul to someone. My emotions go in waves I will feel great for a few months and than get back in a funk for a few months. Recently it marked the 1 year anniversary of our divorce and to be honest it kind of brought back memories again.

Do you guys have any tips that helped you get through this? I stay in shape and workout, but what else can I do. Honestly, I still carry anger and resentment toward my ex and wouldn't care if she got hit by a bus tomorrow if it wasn't for my kids.

please help and give me some tips.
 

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Well, what I did was move to a completely new area. I got some new hobbies, I went back to school just to learn about things I was interested in and I spoiled myself with things I never was able to when I was married.

As far as dating, I am not ready either so I don't really let myself worry if I will meet someone. Its not something that you should stress about right now. Work on you. The rest will come.

It is OK to still feel the anger and resentment towards your EX. It is natural and a normal part of the grieving process. What will.happen is you will wake up one day and realize that you feel nothing towards your EX. That is when you will know that you have moved on.
 

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Unfortunately, it takes time. Sometimes a lot of time. Everyone is different in how much time is necessary for them to heal. After all, the life you knew is gone and creating a new one is a process. You’ll know when you’re ready to seriously look for a new relationship. In the meantime, take care of yourself. And heal.
 

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What about the kids?
Custody?
Child support?

Is your XW still with the OM?

Sounds like infidelity was a deal breaker for you. Or did she initiate the divorce?

It takes time to wrap your head around the fact that your wife could treat you the way she did when you thought you had a good family life. It takes even more time when you are now forced to parent kids together and have to see her on a regular basis.. You are reminded why you are divorced every time you see her.

Time is the only answer. Ten years of marriage cannot be simply forgotten no matter what she did. The pain will remain for a while. You will eventually get there and accept that you are better off without her.
 

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My 30 year marriage ended all in one night, with no pre-warning. (You might want to look up my story under "Cant believe I am .." ) I know exactly where you are. As for how long it takes I think that is a lot based on the individual and the relationship, so that its been a year and you still feel bad no surprise or shaming from me.

Time. Time is the only real answer. It takes time to heal the heart. You can make that time shorter by doing some positive things. I started working out (swimming is my thing) and since I lost 19 pounds in 8 days from the stress, I decided to watch my diet and continued to get healthier. I literally did not turn on a tv for six months, choosing to read instead. I walked my dog everynight. I did all these things to keep busy as any down times the thoughts came in! Unlike you I started dating soon after my divorce (that took less than 100 days) but probably should not of so soon maybe, maybe not. Now, 9 years later, I didnt even remember it was "our" anniversary until the night before, and then it was an oh, huh momemt. But it has taken time, with lots of activiies early on to help me think about something else. I know what you feel, many of us can relate. Come back here for good folks with good advice, dont sweat the dating stuff, as often when not looking the best prize is found. So sorry for your pain.

Hoosier.
 

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There is no easy answer, it just takes time. The good news is almost everyone gets better and the more you commit to getting better the better chance you have. It takes courage though. Instead of thinking about meeting someone new I suggest you think about what your next adventure in your life will be. Then try to get accident about that. Maybe from there you will meet someone.
 

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Honestly, I still carry anger and resentment toward my ex and wouldn't care if she got hit by a bus tomorrow if it wasn't for my kids.
Ugh. Yet ANOTHER one martyring himself and staying "for the kids."

Most kids will tell you it's HELL living with parents they know stayed together just for them. And trust me, they can sense it - and downright KNOW it when they get older. And honestly? They don't see you as a saint for doing it. It just makes them feel guilty that you did it "for" them and made their lives less happy by staying and being miserable.

You should really re-think your martyr stance. Hair shirts went out of style years ago.
 

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Ugh. Yet ANOTHER one martyring himself and staying "for the kids."

Most kids will tell you it's HELL living with parents they know stayed together just for them. And trust me, they can sense it - and downright KNOW it when they get older. And honestly? They don't see you as a saint for doing it. It just makes them feel guilty that you did it "for" them and made their lives less happy by staying and being miserable.

You should really re-think your martyr stance. Hair shirts went out of style years ago.
You got it all wrong. he's been divorced. He's asking how to move forward. Nonetheless; in this topic: today's men are the ones that more and more are taking the martyr stance. They mope for years, while a lot more of today's women are back into a new relationship way faster (for their own good, sometimes) than men. So, yes, more and more men are wimping out now.
 

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Ten years is a long time to simply get over. For me it was about 5 years before I trusted my heart with another. In that 5 years I worked on myself and career. It kept me busy. Sorry this happened to you.
 

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You got it all wrong. he's been divorced. He's asking how to move forward. Nonetheless; in this topic: today's men are the ones that more and more are taking the martyr stance. They mope for years, while a lot more of today's women are back into a new relationship way faster (for their own good, sometimes) than men. So, yes, more and more men are wimping out now.
Very true sadly.
 

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To give you guys my back story I caught my wife cheating on me a year ago. We were married for 10 years and have 2 kids together. I gave everything in that marriage and never felt so betrayed in my life. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I am in my mid 40's with w school age children and find it very hard to date someone I am compatible with. Also, I don't feel like I am even ready for a relationship. I am not ready to give my heart and soul to someone. My emotions go in waves I will feel great for a few months and than get back in a funk for a few months. Recently it marked the 1 year anniversary of our divorce and to be honest it kind of brought back memories again.

Do you guys have any tips that helped you get through this? I stay in shape and workout, but what else can I do. Honestly, I still carry anger and resentment toward my ex and wouldn't care if she got hit by a bus tomorrow if it wasn't for my kids.

please help and give me some tips.
Have you tried psychotherapy, counselling and the like?
 

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Ugh. Yet ANOTHER one martyring himself and staying "for the kids."

Most kids will tell you it's HELL living with parents they know stayed together just for them. And trust me, they can sense it - and downright KNOW it when they get older. And honestly? They don't see you as a saint for doing it. It just makes them feel guilty that you did it "for" them and made their lives less happy by staying and being miserable.

You should really re-think your martyr stance. Hair shirts went out of style years ago.
You should re-think your comment stance. Because it would have been helpful had you actually read his post before you attacked him?

He is divorced.
 

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Discussion Starter #15
What about the kids?
Custody?
Child support?

Is your XW still with the OM?

Sounds like infidelity was a deal breaker for you. Or did she initiate the divorce?

It takes time to wrap your head around the fact that your wife could treat you the way she did when you thought you had a good family life. It takes even more time when you are now forced to parent kids together and have to see her on a regular basis.. You are reminded why you are divorced every time you see her.

Time is the only answer. Ten years of marriage cannot be simply forgotten no matter what she did. The pain will remain for a while. You will eventually get there and accept that you are better off without her.
I have a 50-50 split with kids. Kids seem to be doing ok. I don't pay child support but I did give her lump sum of money.

As far as being with the OM I doubt it. I never found out who he was and it is a long story, but long story short is I caught her cheating ( I just know it was a guy from work but the company has a thousand workers so it can be anyone) . When I caught her I was on the phone with an attorney within 2 minutes and I told her to move out. She was basically living in hotels and her mom's house. I tried to find out who the guy was and my thinking is the guy was such a loser and probably married and didn't want me to find out. That and she thought I may have done something to the guy. The divorce process was smooth it was uncontested and didn't cost me much.

I don't look at her or talk to her and we only communicate through kids. We strictly follow schedules and my kids walk up to our homes during drop off. We do not make eye contact or talk. If there are any bills regarding kids I give the bills to my kids and she does the same and that is how we take care of it. She honestly disgusts me. Her mom died and I didn't even go to the funeral.

I was a great husband and did everything for my family and I was loyal to the end. She could have been paralzyed and I would have taken care of her. As far as I am concerned she is dead to me and if she died tomorrow if it wasn't for my kids I probably wouldn't care one bit. It is amazing how you can love someone more than anything and the next thing you know they are my worst enemy.

Infidelity was the only deal breaker for me. She could have taken a baseball bat and cracked me over the head with it and gave me 200 stitches and I would have forgiven her.
 

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Discussion Starter #16
My 30 year marriage ended all in one night, with no pre-warning. (You might want to look up my story under "Cant believe I am .." ) I know exactly where you are. As for how long it takes I think that is a lot based on the individual and the relationship, so that its been a year and you still feel bad no surprise or shaming from me.

Time. Time is the only real answer. It takes time to heal the heart. You can make that time shorter by doing some positive things. I started working out (swimming is my thing) and since I lost 19 pounds in 8 days from the stress, I decided to watch my diet and continued to get healthier. I literally did not turn on a tv for six months, choosing to read instead. I walked my dog everynight. I did all these things to keep busy as any down times the thoughts came in! Unlike you I started dating soon after my divorce (that took less than 100 days) but probably should not of so soon maybe, maybe not. Now, 9 years later, I didnt even remember it was "our" anniversary until the night before, and then it was an oh, huh momemt. But it has taken time, with lots of activiies early on to help me think about something else. I know what you feel, many of us can relate. Come back here for good folks with good advice, dont sweat the dating stuff, as often when not looking the best prize is found. So sorry for your pain.

Hoosier.
Dude I was always a weightlifter but starting hitting the weights very hard after divorce. I lost about 25 pounds in 2 months and kept alot of it off till this day. ( It sucks that Covid ruined my working out because my gym is still closed). I did also read alot and love spending time with my kids.

It sucks brother, but people like you give me hope.
 

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She could have taken a baseball bat and cracked me over the head with it and gave me 200 stitches and I would have forgiven her.
I understand where you're at. I would have much preferred the bat. I forgave her for the adultery, too, but I never healed from it. I had to eat the **** sandwich for years.

I know many who are living proof it is so.
I'm one of them.
 

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I divorced my husband after discovering he'd been a serial cheater for the entire 21 years of our relationship (15+ married). It took me a solid 2 years before I was ready to even think about dating again. And that was okay, because when I was ready, I was actually emotionally healthy enough for it to be an awesome experience.

I'd advise not worrying about dating right now. You're hurting and hurt people hurt people. The fact that you still have this much hate for your ex-wife tells me that you're still not fully healed. That's okay. Keep healing. Time helps a lot, but not if you're actively nurturing anger and resentment. It might help to speak to a good therapist about how to move on. Especially if you're not seeing much progress on your own in letting go of the strongly negative emotions.

A respectful suggestion: Leave your children out of it. Do not make them the go-betweens for you and your ex-wife. They are children. They shouldn't be saddled with acting as messengers for their angry parents. If there's a message, email her. If there's a bill, mail it, or scan and email it to her. You don't have to chat, make nice, or otherwise interact, in person or digitally. You can be distant and polite and still ignore anything that's not directly relevant or child-related. But be adults and communicate directly with one another without involving your kids.
 

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Discussion Starter #20 (Edited)
I divorced my husband after discovering he'd been a serial cheater for the entire 21 years of our relationship (15+ married). It took me a solid 2 years before I was ready to even think about dating again. And that was okay, because when I was ready, I was actually emotionally healthy enough for it to be an awesome experience.

I'd advise not worrying about dating right now. You're hurting and hurt people hurt people. The fact that you still have this much hate for your ex-wife tells me that you're still not fully healed. That's okay. Keep healing. Time helps a lot, but not if you're actively nurturing anger and resentment. It might help to speak to a good therapist about how to move on. Especially if you're not seeing much progress on your own in letting go of the strongly negative emotions.

A respectful suggestion: Leave your children out of it. Do not make them the go-betweens for you and your ex-wife. They are children. They shouldn't be saddled with acting as messengers for their angry parents. If there's a message, email her. If there's a bill, mail it, or scan and email it to her. You don't have to chat, make nice, or otherwise interact, in person or digitally. You can be distant and polite and still ignore anything that's not directly relevant or child-related. But be adults and communicate directly with one another without involving your kids.
As far as the hate for my ex wife hell yeah I do hate her. Just not being with my kids everyday and the amount of money I lost in the divorce and future earnings is millions of dollars. The money and the kids bother me more than anything. As far as me missing her and spending time with her I don't miss her in that sense which is a good thing. I do harbor some resentment because of the money and kids factor and dating at my age many people carry baggage. What I am pissed about is that I got put in this position and didn't do anything wrong. It sucks! I know I have to be a man and that is life, but the anger is still here.

As far as dealing with her, the less the better. I try to avoid it to avoid any type of conflict.
 
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