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Discussion Starter #561
Do you think he's just plain sick and tired of working? How old is he? If you told us, I forgot. His job sounds so physically taxing. The fact that he seemed chipper-ish on Saturday, then depressed when he had to go back to work sounds like he's tired of working. And who can blame him, really?
His work is physically and mentally exhausting because he manages a dozen guys out in the field and has to supervise them across several states, and normally I would say yes, he's really TIRED of it. But oddly enough, right now, it's the only thing he wants to focus on, it's grounding him somewhat. He's actually really smart. He's a deep thinker. He's a hard worker and great provider. He's one of those people who can read a manual cover to cover and not fall asleep, and then he can do the thing explained in the manual. He's resourceful and creative and artistic. He's got a lot of great qualities....

Anyway he's 55 this year.
 

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Thank you.
Yesterday we had a few quiet moments and I asked him what he was hiding from me. He was surprised and I stayed quiet to see if he would fill in the space, but he didn't and I had to clarify. I told him, he turned off location sharing, wouldn't tell me about his health tests, stopped communicating early every evening. His answers were very interesting. For the first time, he actually blamed part of his crisis on the crazy year 2020. (Not that I don't have things to fix like the love languages.) He said he just felt sort of smothered -- which I find really really odd, because I don't do smothering, but I wasn't about to argue with him on that. I then asked him what he does every evening, is he busy having an emotional affair with someone on the internet. He said, you see me, I go straight to bed, I'm not having chats with anyone. I then reminded him that he's hardly ever home, I meant on the nights he's out of town...and it's like a lightbulb literally went on. I could see it in his expression. ALL this time, he's not really thought about how his actions appear to me until yesterday...he's been so wrapped up in his own head.
You might add that you thought marriage meant traveling through life together with someone, taking on their hopes & fears and allowing them to lean on you from time to time, and you to lean on them. That 2020 has been really tough for him, and you're here for that. That it's not a bother to shoulder some of his burden, but something that would make you feel better, and maybe him too.
 

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What I am saying may not click with most people. It took me a bit of work to understand it. Most people can't really comprehend unconditional love. It does not have conditions on it, that means no expectations. So, what do you need to do if someone is not fulfilling your needs? Like being open and honest? Maybe, You have honest heartfelt conversations with them and let them know what you will accept and not accept and find out what they will accept and not accept and come to an agreement. When one does not live up to the agreement then you may want to do something different. There are consequences but they are not done out of anger or resentment. It takes a lot of work to get to this point but it is worth the trip. Great Journeys.
I don’t agree. This only works if both persons try to be the best person they can be. What about alcoholic abusers, drug abusers, cheaters, you are saying that they should be loved unconditionally and the offended spouse continue to be a door mat? This is terrible advice!
 

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Discussion Starter #565
Quick update - this weekend I felt a shift. Just a small shift, and maybe it was all me, but things were just more relaxed and organic. We actually ran errands together AND went out to lunch just the two of us. We haven't done that since maybe March? All our other outings since then have been with others. He also SMILED at me and we laughed a time or two. This has been so very rare. We shall see if it was just a random thing or a potential crack in his armor.
 

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Discussion Starter #566
A little anxious to see how this weekend goes. He's on his way home AND he agreed to go out on a double dinner date with a friend and her new man Saturday. A couple of the guys he worked with this week talked to me today and said he was really quiet and sort of grumpy, they were concerned about him. (I did not ask, they mentioned it while we were discussing other work related things) I'll try to keep y'all posted. Most likely it will just be the same old stuff, but regardless, I'm feeling really good. I had a good week at work, training my new office person, she's working out pretty good so far, and all things considered, I feel pretty strong. I saw my therapist yesterday.
I mentioned to her that earlier this week I had to deal with my husband being grumpy and cranky on the phone several times one day, however I kept my cool and did not react with emotion or irritation. I just stayed steady and focused on how to solve any problems we could solve moving forward. (all of this was work related)
She told me that was great, that staying calm when someone else was not was actually a position of control and power. I don't know about all that, but I know that I was very happy with myself for not falling in to old patterns and for maintaining my composure. Go me! LOL
 

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Discussion Starter #568
Another weekend of feeling that tiny shift. Nothing earth shattering, but the double dinner date was good and we spent some time just vegging and watching tv. I still ran my errands and went on my walks and feel like things didn't really progress but they didn't back track either.
 

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Discussion Starter #569
Not much new to report. Husband was headed out the door for work and I mentioned something about this evening and he said he wouldn't be home, he was headed out mid day to work out of town most of the week. (I know where he's headed, just didn't know he was leaving today.) Since it took me by surprise, I didn't hide my reaction and told him I was disappointed, thought he would be home one more night, and he said he just didn't feel like getting up at 3am to get on the road and I told him I understood. He said he would be home Friday though (he usually doesn't get back till Saturday). What surprised me was his attitude, he actually seemed TO CARE that I was disappointed. I'm trying to remember the last time he seemed to care about my feelings, and honestly I'm not sure I can even remember.
 

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Not much new to report. Husband was headed out the door for work and I mentioned something about this evening and he said he wouldn't be home, he was headed out mid day to work out of town most of the week. (I know where he's headed, just didn't know he was leaving today.) Since it took me by surprise, I didn't hide my reaction and told him I was disappointed, thought he would be home one more night, and he said he just didn't feel like getting up at 3am to get on the road and I told him I understood. He said he would be home Friday though (he usually doesn't get back till Saturday). What surprised me was his attitude, he actually seemed TO CARE that I was disappointed. I'm trying to remember the last time he seemed to care about my feelings, and honestly I'm not sure I can even remember.
So you've been running this thread for 3 months now. If you look at your original post, how do you think things have played out, so far? What's been different than your expectations? What's been better, what's been worse?

How would you rate his level of caring over this past 3 months? Zero at the start... has it been very gradually improving over time, or does it seem not much different than the start?

I hope things can work out for you, because it's really clear you haven't given up, you want things to work you, you love this guy. It wouldn't be so hard for you if you didn't. I know that feeling all too well.
 

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Discussion Starter #571
So you've been running this thread for 3 months now. If you look at your original post, how do you think things have played out, so far? What's been different than your expectations? What's been better, what's been worse?

How would you rate his level of caring over this past 3 months? Zero at the start... has it been very gradually improving over time, or does it seem not much different than the start?

I hope things can work out for you, because it's really clear you haven't given up, you want things to work you, you love this guy. It wouldn't be so hard for you if you didn't. I know that feeling all too well.
Thank you for asking. I apologize, I wrote a book here. LOL
Care to share more about your experience?

How things have played out: At first I was a mess, confused, hurt, baffled, fearful etc. I spent a good month to month and half as a total mess. In fact, I was still a hot mess in early August. I couldn't eat, had trouble sleeping, the weight fell off at an alarming rate. I was going to try the 180 and perhaps some other things, and then I finally found a podcast that seemed to make the most sense for where I was and wanted to be and it's helped me separate some of the emotion from my goals and develop a plan. I also started seeing a therapist. Even with all of this, I still get caught up in my fears and hurt, I still take things personally only to find out later I was way off base. I still find myself going down certain rabbit holes of reacting, and later realize I am reacting to cycles and patterns from the past.

I figured out a few things. 1. I wasn't giving up on the relationship or marriage without some good solid effort. 2. I can only control myself, despite the attraction of handing out ultimatums or making demands, if they went sideways it would work against my goals of working on the marriage. 3. I had to be honest about how I might have contributed to the crisis and find ways to improve myself (we always have room for improvement and/or growth.) I am not owning the whole crisis as my fault, but there were things I could have made more of a priority, resentments that were misdirected etc.

What I discovered was that I had developed some bad habits over the past several years that I wanted to kick to the curb, and that there are some good habits I'd like to develop. So I have been working on those.

I have also discovered, that even if all my efforts don't save my marriage, I believe I will be OK. In fact, as I continue to work on myself and grow, I start to have thoughts that show I'm letting go of the outcome, which I believe is the healthiest place for me to be. One way or the other, I will be proud of how I handled myself, I will have no regrets that I didn't put my best efforts forward. I might even get to the point where I find myself outgrowing my husband.

I see tiny bits of improvement, little glimmers, but the reality is that we are still a far cry from where we should be, so my expectations are set really high. I don't want to be where we were as a couple, because clearly there were some issues, even if they were quiet and unobtrusive. My goal is to have an even better marriage and partnership. So at some point, even if my husband doesn't realize it, he's going to have to start working on himself and us. He's going to have to find a way through is own crisis and realize the answers are not external (as in me being the cause or solution)

He originally said he was miserable, he said his feelings have changed, he admitted to thinking about a separation, he wanted to be alone more. He's gotten the "separation" and "alone" part simply through travel for work. When he used to come home, he would be irritable and unkind towards me. That changed to simply him staying busy all day while at home until the evening, and then he would hang out only in the evenings. That has changed to him spending more time with me in the mornings drinking coffee and mid day and in the evenings. He even tries to stay up later and watch shows with me (sleeping on the couch despite his best efforts.)

What hasn't changed: there is still no affection coming from him. ZERO. He hasn't complimented me since???? He hasn't reached for me to hug me or cuddle since??? I asked him the other day to take two seconds and admire my sexy underwear and he said, "I already admired you." (apparently having sex was him admiring me???) I found his answer to be very eye opening. It's like he's thinking things but they aren't leaving his brain, and yet he thinks they have. We have had multiple conversations in which he will say, "I told you that." and I have NO recollection whatsoever, and I'm paying way more attention than I used to.

He does however, appear to be caring about my feelings just a little. This is a recent change.

Anyway, it gives me hope that one day we might be able to get to where I'd like to be, however, I am learning that I need to work on myself regardless. I need to let go of the outcome in order to be healthy emotionally.
AND at some point, I might get tired of trying and I might move on, but at least it won't be till I believe I've done all I could do.

My next goal in my personal growth is to either find a new passion/hobby or rekindle one that I have set aside. I literally have no hobbies right now other than exercise, and sometimes that's just to keep me sane. Over the years, I have given them up in order to take care of business, I have given them up thinking that I needed to in order to be responsible. I haven't made the time for them.
 

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Discussion Starter #573
Do you have girlfriends that you do things with? Or even just talk to?
Yes I do, in fact almost daily for talking. I feel like I have a very good support system between my friends and family. I try to get together with friends for dinner or walks every week.
 
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