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Discussion Starter #543
You aren’t miserable enough to change anything. Coupled with fear of leaving him = you’ll never change a thing.

all that “reading” to improve yourself... it’s just reading with no action to actually implement change... which amounts to doing nothing.
OK then, describe your actions to improve yourself, when you want to get rid of a bad habit or develop better habits?


I'm making changes, I have a written plan, I set daily goals - I write them down, and then review each day how I did towards making those changes. Then I adjust if I'm not being successful.
Maybe the problem is I'm not describing it properly, but I am actively working each day towards change. The reading and listening to podcasts is merely one aspect of my plan. And for damn sure, that is action. Inaction would be doing nothing, not reading, not researching, not studying, not setting daily goals.
 

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Discussion Starter #544
with no progress either 🙄
I started out lost and messy, and have chosen a plan of action for myself and I am implementing that. I see that as progress. Not that I don't have moments where I hit low points, but I am in a much better head space overall. I am making progress on the things I can control and the things I am willing to do. Just because I'm not willing to snoop or hand out ultimatums does not mean there is no progress.
 

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I think you are doing fine. You don't have to make any drastic changes in 4 months after being married so long. Take it as you feel comfortable. You know that this might not last and that's ok.

Do I think there is a chance of someone else at least in his head. Yes. Men tend to make these actions based on another woman. But not always. You can find plenty of threads here that men have decided they've had enough without another woman. I feel like reading your thread like I feel for many things on this site. You just put your priorities in a different spot than his love language. I see it hear with both sexes. Men and women thinking their marriage is fine and that they are a good spouse then bam it blows up because what they thought was good was not their partners desires. Now I'm not saying you haven't been a great wife and business partner. Just because he feels this way doesn't mean you should have done something different and the past is the past. I do think it is sad that he built you a traveling office in hopes of spending time with you and you two didn't do that some. I understand about your son and mother. But that was a cry for connectedness and the road can be very lonely. Just like being at home and taking care of EVERYTHING can be overwhelming and under appreciated.

Keep your eyes open. Keep planning financially and business wise as if it is coming to an end to protect yourself. But don't give up until you are ready to give up.
 

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Discussion Starter #547
I think you are doing fine. You don't have to make any drastic changes in 4 months after being married so long. Take it as you feel comfortable. You know that this might not last and that's ok.

Do I think there is a chance of someone else at least in his head. Yes. Men tend to make these actions based on another woman. But not always. You can find plenty of threads here that men have decided they've had enough without another woman. I feel like reading your thread like I feel for many things on this site. You just put your priorities in a different spot than his love language. I see it hear with both sexes. Men and women thinking their marriage is fine and that they are a good spouse then bam it blows up because what they thought was good was not their partners desires. Now I'm not saying you haven't been a great wife and business partner. Just because he feels this way doesn't mean you should have done something different and the past is the past. I do think it is sad that he built you a traveling office in hopes of spending time with you and you two didn't do that some. I understand about your son and mother. But that was a cry for connectedness and the road can be very lonely. Just like being at home and taking care of EVERYTHING can be overwhelming and under appreciated.

Keep your eyes open. Keep planning financially and business wise as if it is coming to an end to protect yourself. But don't give up until you are ready to give up.
Thank you.
Yesterday we had a few quiet moments and I asked him what he was hiding from me. He was surprised and I stayed quiet to see if he would fill in the space, but he didn't and I had to clarify. I told him, he turned off location sharing, wouldn't tell me about his health tests, stopped communicating early every evening. His answers were very interesting. For the first time, he actually blamed part of his crisis on the crazy year 2020. (Not that I don't have things to fix like the love languages.) He said he just felt sort of smothered -- which I find really really odd, because I don't do smothering, but I wasn't about to argue with him on that. I then asked him what he does every evening, is he busy having an emotional affair with someone on the internet. He said, you see me, I go straight to bed, I'm not having chats with anyone. I then reminded him that he's hardly ever home, I meant on the nights he's out of town...and it's like a lightbulb literally went on. I could see it in his expression. ALL this time, he's not really thought about how his actions appear to me until yesterday...he's been so wrapped up in his own head.
 

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Wow!!!

So it finally hit him like a knockout bunch that it looks like he is cheating from your point of view.

The smothering feeling is from everything in life at the moment, I don’t think it is you that he meant. I can feel like this at times, everything becomes so overwhelming it feels like you can’t breathe.

So glad the two of you had a little progress this weekend.
 

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I really hope he really hasn't been thinking of how it appears to you and it really is him all in his head. Having said that, you have asked him before, right? This is not the first time? He sounds self centered.

OR he realizes his surreptitious behavior has not gone unnoticed and you have now put him on notice (hence the surprise). Most of us would say there are many many red flags here.
Why would anyone who has nothing to hide turn off their location sharing? That itself is a red flag? I am not buying the 'smothering' either. Everyone is coping with the Covid crisis, he is not the only one. Maybe it was a health scare?
 

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The guy is wearing his Mae West (over your best dress) and heading for the lifeboat while you're still rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.

How long do you intend to play "cat got your tongue"? For your sanity, put a time limit on it.
 

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The guy is wearing his Mae West (over your best dress) and heading for the lifeboat while you're still rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.

How long do you intend to play "cat got your tongue"? For your sanity, put a time limit on it.

I have a feeling she's more than willing to go down with the ship. It's really hard to watch.
 

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What are you writing exactly, nothing you have written makes sense! Why would be not have an option, you are also assuming here. He has a mouth, unfortunately he doesn't have the decency to be honest to a woman he has spent a quarter of a century with. I don't hear of anyone holding a gun to his head. He is CHOOSING not to be transparent.
What I am saying may not click with most people. It took me a bit of work to understand it. Most people can't really comprehend unconditional love. It does not have conditions on it, that means no expectations. So, what do you need to do if someone is not fulfilling your needs? Like being open and honest? Maybe, You have honest heartfelt conversations with them and let them know what you will accept and not accept and find out what they will accept and not accept and come to an agreement. When one does not live up to the agreement then you may want to do something different. There are consequences but they are not done out of anger or resentment. It takes a lot of work to get to this point but it is worth the trip. Great Journeys.
 

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What I am saying may not click with most people. It took me a bit of work to understand it. Most people can't really comprehend unconditional love. It does not have conditions on it, that means no expectations. So, what do you need to do if someone is not fulfilling your needs? Like being open and honest? Maybe, You have honest heartfelt conversations with them and let them know what you will accept and not accept and find out what they will accept and not accept and come to an agreement. When one does not live up to the agreement then you may want to do something different. There are consequences but they are not done out of anger or resentment. It takes a lot of work to get to this point but it is worth the trip. Great Journeys.
Unconditional love has no place in marriage or any other romantic relationship. There have to be expectations! There NEEDS to be a limit or we face tolerating the intolerable, like abuse and infidelity for example. Sorry I just don’t buy into that crap.

How exactly do you have an honest conversation with someone who is being dishonest? You can tell your side, express your feelings, but there can be no honest conversation when someone is being deceptive.

And if someone doesn’t hold up their side of of your agreement, you think you just change up the agreement?? You must be a total doormat.


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Discussion Starter #556
That’s good you are laying out the evidence for him! Glad he could see how it’s affecting you.

hopefully this week brings some changes in the relationship that give you more peace of mind.
It was so weird to me, I've asked him in multiple ways and multiple times the very same thing (at least in my mind) and it's like he never made any connection. Or he refused to make connections, but for whatever reason, the other day he finally HEARD me.

I was listening to a podcast about midlife crises and it sounds a lot like what's going on for him. People seek answers outside of themselves, not realizing the answers are within. Symptoms include "I'm not happy." "I want something more" he literally said almost verbatim those to me several months ago when I finally got him to talk to me. However, he's the one who's going to have to realize the answers are within, not external. So, he might figure it out or he might not, and if he doesn't figure it out, he's just going to take the crisis/issues with him to the next relationship if there is one.
 

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Discussion Starter #557
I really hope he really hasn't been thinking of how it appears to you and it really is him all in his head. Having said that, you have asked him before, right? This is not the first time? He sounds self centered.

OR he realizes his surreptitious behavior has not gone unnoticed and you have now put him on notice (hence the surprise). Most of us would say there are many many red flags here.
Why would anyone who has nothing to hide turn off their location sharing? That itself is a red flag? I am not buying the 'smothering' either. Everyone is coping with the Covid crisis, he is not the only one. Maybe it was a health scare?
He is totally wrapped up in himself right now, self-centered works, but it's not his usual MO. I view it as a protective measure on his part... if he is really honest with himself about his issues, he will literally fall to pieces and he's doing all he can to just hold it together. I think that's why it showed up as irritation and anger in the beginning, those are so much easier to deal with vs. hurt, pain, fear, disappointment. I'm not saying I've dished all these awful things out to him, I'm saying he's having a crisis and has chosen this path as his "solution" and created an inner dialogue to fit his solution...but I'm not playing along like his script reads.

I don't disagree with you, the red flags are all over the place. He did have a health scare, and luckily whatever it was, it's not an issue and follow up in a year, but I'm sure that has contributed to his unhappiness or feeling overwhelmed, or smothered. He had trouble picking the right word, and I threw smothered out there and he agreed.

So there was a chip in his wall Saturday when we had our short talk, and then the next day he spent time grilling and organizing some bins and listening to his music, and then the next day he seemed depressed and lost...and then he went out of town again for work. Completely different states and cities vs the last several weeks, and only getting hotel rooms at the last minute depending on if he gets things accomplished or not. (that's why I think the idea of a physical affair just doesn't work logistically, it's not impossible, but the other person would have to have a lot of freedom to just up and go willy nilly)
 

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Discussion Starter #558
The guy is wearing his Mae West (over your best dress) and heading for the lifeboat while you're still rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.

How long do you intend to play "cat got your tongue"? For your sanity, put a time limit on it.
I like your poetry.
The thing is, at least right now, I'm feeling much stronger. I'm not going down...the marriage might go down, and it won't be because I didn't try, but I'll be OK, in fact, I'll be better eventually because I'm taking the time to gain clarity and insight and work on myself. So no matter what happens, on the other side, I will be a lot healthier.

I'm not saying it wouldn't hurt like a MoFo....but then it already has and yet here I am bouncing back with a plan, enjoying my friendships, enjoying my kids and grandkids, experiencing personal growth, being a badass in the office etc.
 

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Do you think he's just plain sick and tired of working? How old is he? If you told us, I forgot. His job sounds so physically taxing. The fact that he seemed chipper-ish on Saturday, then depressed when he had to go back to work sounds like he's tired of working. And who can blame him, really?
 

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Do you think he's just plain sick and tired of working? How old is he? If you told us, I forgot. His job sounds so physically taxing. The fact that he seemed chipper-ish on Saturday, then depressed when he had to go back to work sounds like he's tired of working. And who can blame him, really?
This is so true, I spent 20+ years on the road, Iv'e been home now since March. My wife tells me it's actually nice to be around me on a Sunday. Apparently by Sunday I was getting angry knowing I was headed to the airport to be gone again. I never really noticed it just felt normal to me, but I was always mindful of her needs since I was the one going off and leaving her to pick up the slack on the home front.
 
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