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Actually, I took it as progress because he said, "right now"
Also the tone it was delivered in and the look on his face, they were not harsh
I apologize for my incorrect assessment. From what I read, without the ability to hear his tone of voice or see his demeanor, it sounded harsh. You mentioned this is his busiest time of year, so his response makes sense.

Do you think when the busy season is over he might be more agreeable to discuss your concerns? Thus far, he has been unwilling to tell you what is wrong. I keep wondering if he wants to be awful enough that you finally decide to leave. Some people do that because it expunges them from feeling like the bad guy. I could be completely wrong. But he has been disrespectful to you for awhile.
 

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Discussion Starter #523
I apologize for my incorrect assessment. From what I read, without the ability to hear his tone of voice or see his demeanor, it sounded harsh. You mentioned this is his busiest time of year, so his response makes sense.

Do you think when the busy season is over he might be more agreeable to discuss your concerns? Thus far, he has been unwilling to tell you what is wrong. I keep wondering if he wants to be awful enough that you finally decide to leave. Some people do that because it expunges them from feeling like the bad guy. I could be completely wrong. But he has been disrespectful to you for awhile.
I have thought of this very thing, that maybe he was hoping I would reach my limit and make the decision and he'd be "off the hook." Perhaps not intentionally, or perhaps. Recently, while he is still distant and checked out, there are moments where he seems to go out of his way to be civil, and occasionally considerate. So to me that feels like he's somewhat at war with himself a bit.
 

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Discussion Starter #524
Who was the seasoned employee that left? Was your husband close to the person who exited?
The seasoned employee was his sister, and we spent time with her socially as well as at work. She is probably the sibling he's the closest to, but she's moved pretty far away and I chat with her more then he ever did.
Why do you ask?
 

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Discussion Starter #525
So a quick update: He had jobs lined up for a week out of town, one of them had to be done on a Sunday due to it being a place that sees patients and Sunday was the only day closed to patients. Then, as he was wrapping things up to head back here, one of our employees wound up in the hospital, so now he's trying to cover for him on a few more jobs before heading back here for our weekend of babysitting the grandkids. Our Anniversary was Monday, and I had sent him a low key care package with some snacks and drinks and tums. LOL...and his first reaction was that he thought we weren't exchanging gifts and I told him that wasn't the point, the point was that I wanted to show him how much I appreciate all his hard work. The next day, our actual anniversary, he sent an edible arrangement to the office big enough for me to share with the others. When I thanked him and told him how big it was and that I was going to have to share it, he said he figured he better send one big enough for me to share...so he was thoughtful enough to make that decision.

I'll take it.

No it's nothing earth shattering, but he could have chosen a lot of responses that would have been hurtful and he didn't.

Seeing as how we've been pretty crappy to each other all year on the gifts and occasions, this one has been a step in a better direction. I got him a birthday present this year but no card or wrapping or pomp. He got me nothing for my birthday, nothing for Mother's Day, and I got him nothing for Father's Day.

Yesterday his doctor's office left a message on my phone that his recent test results looked fine, "it" was stable and follow up in another year. (this is something in his chest and goes back to him staying on top of his health due to possible chemical exposure over the years) #1. He was not happy that they left the voicemail on my phone and of course I couldn't help but point out that he did ask me to make the appointment in the first place. (a little snark on my end, but hey, what do you expect?) #2. I had wondered if something was going on with him healthwise that was contributing to his crisis. So perhaps/perhaps not. I'm waiting to have that conversation in person.

I've continued to listen to podcasts, exercise, wear mascara, journal daily, meet up with my friends, spend time with my youngest (she's a junior in college) and work work work.
 

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It sounds like he's going through the motions, nothing more. I'm wondering how you are able to tolerate this. I lived through something similar. When I decided the pain of staying exceeded the pain of leaving, I left.

Don't you see that no matter how much you work on yourself, your husband doesn't seem to care? Implementing the 180 is a good thing, but it really sounds like you have a rather unfulfilled life. Sadly, it sounds like he could stay this way for a very long time.

Sad.
 

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Discussion Starter #527
It sounds like he's going through the motions, nothing more. I'm wondering how you are able to tolerate this. I lived through something similar. When I decided the pain of staying exceeded the pain of leaving, I left.

Don't you see that no matter how much you work on yourself, your husband doesn't seem to care? Implementing the 180 is a good thing, but it really sounds like you have a rather unfulfilled life. Sadly, it sounds like he could stay this way for a very long time.

Sad.
How long did you go through something similar?
 

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I'd be hopping mad if my doctor's office left that detailed message on my husband's phone. Isn't that a HIPPA violation, unless your husband agreed in writing to release info to you? Maybe he did and forgot.

I do applaud you for continuing to work on yourself. Because if husband doesn't get on board and you get to the point of finally having enough, you'll be in that much of a better place.
 

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I'd be hopping mad if my doctor's office left that detailed message on my husband's phone. Isn't that a HIPPA violation, unless your husband agreed in writing to release info to you? Maybe he did and forgot.

I do applaud you for continuing to work on yourself. Because if husband doesn't get on board and you get to the point of finally having enough, you'll be in that much of a better place.
I imagine he has her listed as spousecand alternate emergency contact. When you fill out papers at Dr. you usually have a spouse listed in a release. If something has changed it is your responsibility to go to them and change it.

All this HIPPA BS burns me up. Someone can be in danger of being given a disease and you cant tell them anything. I know of guys with diseases that are sleeping around with girls and i cant say a thing to them. The girls get to find out when they need a liver transplant. Same for a cheating spouse catxhing a disease and you can not tell the other spouse. It is just wrong. But that is today....someones feelings are more important than anothers health/life.
 

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How long did you go through something similar?
From the time he went off the deep end - lost his job due to drinking - until the time I left, was approximately two months. I used that time to pack, get a moving crew to load a U-Haul truck for me, and make arrangements with family to move in with them temporarily.
 

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I imagine he has her listed as spousecand alternate emergency contact. When you fill out papers at Dr. you usually have a spouse listed in a release. If something has changed it is your responsibility to go to them and change it.

All this HIPPA BS burns me up. Someone can be in danger of being given a disease and you cant tell them anything. I know of guys with diseases that are sleeping around with girls and i cant say a thing to them. The girls get to find out when they need a liver transplant. Same for a cheating spouse catxhing a disease and you can not tell the other spouse. It is just wrong. But that is today....someones feelings are more important than anothers health/life.
Yeah, and this is where some laws go too far.
 

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I imagine he has her listed as spousecand alternate emergency contact. When you fill out papers at Dr. you usually have a spouse listed in a release. If something has changed it is your responsibility to go to them and change it.

All this HIPPA BS burns me up. Someone can be in danger of being given a disease and you cant tell them anything. I know of guys with diseases that are sleeping around with girls and i cant say a thing to them. The girls get to find out when they need a liver transplant. Same for a cheating spouse catxhing a disease and you can not tell the other spouse. It is just wrong. But that is today....someones feelings are more important than anothers health/life.
I recently went to the doctor. They do have you fill out all kinds of papers. For this visit (well woman gyno visit), they had an emergency contact and another separate form for release of info. I got the distinct impression they were not one and the same. But I could be totally wrong! You really have to be alert and on your game and actually read what you're signing and pay attention. I feel bad for those who just go through the motions and sign, not seemingly knowing what they're signing. Myself included lol.
 

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Discussion Starter #534
I'd be hopping mad if my doctor's office left that detailed message on my husband's phone. Isn't that a HIPPA violation, unless your husband agreed in writing to release info to you? Maybe he did and forgot.

I do applaud you for continuing to work on yourself. Because if husband doesn't get on board and you get to the point of finally having enough, you'll be in that much of a better place.
That was my thought as well, if nothing else, I'm going to come out of all of this in a better place, more self aware, with fewer bad habits, more good habits, a strong sense of who I am and how I want to be.
 

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He has been married almost a quarter of a century to the OP who has had his babies, supported his business, etc. The least he could do is tell her what is going on. He could at least say "honey, I have alot of things in my mind which I need to sort out, it is nothing to do with you nor the marriage, etc. What he is doing is burying his head, treating her cruelly (there is no other word for it) and regardless of his 'male computer' a decent human being would be more forthcoming than this. She should work on herself, build up her self esteem for sure, then hand him divorce papers. A man who doesn't have common decency to explain to his partner what is happening shouldn't be given the benefit of the doubt at all. He has no right to treat her as a door mat and assume she will be available when he sorts out his ****. That is selfish and self-centred and not something anyone should do to their spouse. I think he wants the time but is pushing his wife towards pulling the plug if he continues to make her life miserable. Alternatively, he is in the middle of an affair and is weighing his options.
You are thinking that he even has the option of doing this. You are judging because you have been programmed to judge. No one needs to be treated like a doormat but sometimes they need that to move to a higher identity. She has the choice to do what she wants but if she works on herself, she will never be a doormat.
 

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You aren’t miserable enough to change anything. Coupled with fear of leaving him = you’ll never change a thing.

all that “reading” to improve yourself... it’s just reading with no action to actually implement change... which amounts to doing nothing.
 

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You are thinking that he even has the option of doing this. You are judging because you have been programmed to judge. No one needs to be treated like a doormat but sometimes they need that to move to a higher identity. She has the choice to do what she wants but if she works on herself, she will never be a doormat.
What are you writing exactly, nothing you have written makes sense! Why would be not have an option, you are also assuming here. He has a mouth, unfortunately he doesn't have the decency to be honest to a woman he has spent a quarter of a century with. I don't hear of anyone holding a gun to his head. He is CHOOSING not to be transparent.
 

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I think this all boils down to commitment: commitment to the marriage, to each other, to oneself, and to the truth. Thus far, only the OP has made a commitment to save the marriage and to work on herself. All well and good. But then there's the truth and the marriage. Seems there are gaping holes in both. Not that the OP isn't trying to shore up her sagging marriage and give her secretive husband a chance to come clean.

Hubs isn't focused on commitment. I think that's what I find most troubling. It's his busy season. He doesn't want to share what is bothering him. Commitment is missing. When it comes down to it, I believe the OP will need to decide how long she can and will tolerate her husband making a half-assed attempt at his marriage.

I can only speak from my own experience. When commitment to the bigger thing; namely, our marriage, went out the door I decided to leave. And I didn't want to wait around to give my husband the luxury of twiddling his selfish little thumbs while he decided what he wanted more: booze or me. I didn't divorce my husband, but I put lots of distance between us and I got on with my life.

Something to consider ...
 

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Recently husband is distant, can't engage him in a conversation, is irritable and responds with one or two words or simply doesn't respond to me. No longer is interested in being intimate, hasn't initiated any type of physical connection (not even a side hug) in almost two full months, probably longer. He does a lot of his own scheduling and finds a reason to travel more days during the week for work.
AlmostEmptyNester
My husband had a deep physical and emotional affair that lasted 5 months. The first indicator was his sudden unexplained snapping at me with no cause and it almost felt like he was nitpicking in order to fight with me so that he could avoid being with me on the weekends. The second indicator as a sudden disinterest in being intimate. When I tried to initiate, he would tell me he was tired, particularly on Saturday nights when he had worked all day. The third indicatior, was this sudden Saturday work schedule. He never worked Saturdays before, but suddenly started working all day, which left only Sunday to be with me and the kids and Also run his errands so we got very little quality time together. He always seemed stressed and detached when we did family things. Fourth indicator: turning off his location. Before he realized it was even on, I’d check to see if he was on his way home so I could have dinner warm and he’d be in a random parking lot near work, but I didn’t think anything of it because the GPS is always very inaccurate. It wasn’t until I found an email from him to his mistress by accident that it all came to fruition. Snapping at me because he was mad he had to be with me instead of her. Disinterest in sex because he was sleeping with her and didn’t want to sleep with me on the same day. (So noble, right?) The parking lot was him having sex in her truck. Also, working Saturdays was a ruse. That was breakfast and hotel with the mistress, then a fun outing while I was home with the kids. Then back to the hotel for more. By the time he got home he was “too tired” to hang out with our friends or do anything social. Right in the shower and in front of the TV.

My take is that these are all big old red flags. The only suggestion, as a person who was betrayed for months because I was too in denial to accept the signs, is to find out the truth. Get in to his phone to check to see if he has shady apps like What’s app, or Snapchat. Check deleted or drafts of emails. Put key works in the text message search like love, baby, can’t wait... She may be under a guy’s name to disguise.
Get into your cell records. Verizon has calls and texts for each month up to 18 months. Rent a car and follow him. Check your bank accounts to see if money has been withdrawn. Look at credit card statements. And think about what you will do if in fact, you do find him unfaithful. I hope I’m wrong but the red flags here are just screaming affair.
I’m truly sorry and I wish you the best.
 
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