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Also, people on here seem to freak out about STD testing. I'm not sure why, most can be pretty easily cured, and if not then it's a bit late.
That would be me. I have to say (with zero snark or mean-spiritedness), I'm downright shocked at your blase attitude about STDs.
 

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Discussion Starter #402
Remember this, he is not the same person right now and he does not think of you the same way that he did.

Neither of you are stable right now, he's living in a dream land and you are desperately trying to make sense of what is happening. Maybe he's cheating, maybe he's depressed, maybe he's going through a mid-life crisis. Whatever it is, it is important that you recognize he chose to withdraw from you, blame you and hurt you instead of draw closer to you during his time of struggle.
YES to all of this, and yes, it is possible that his thinking will never "return" to what it was. In fact, if it's a midlife crisis, where he's questioning his purpose and his mortality and how he envisions living out the rest of his "short" life and who he's giving his time and energy to...I am assuming he will change and grow and on the other side, he will be different with different goals/purpose.

I am just trying to put my best foot forward and be the best person I can be so when I look back I can say that I had integrity, I had standards (different from boundaries) and I have as few regrets as possible.
 

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Discussion Starter #403
That would be me. I have to say (with zero snark or mean-spiritedness), I'm downright shocked at your blase attitude about STDs.
I don't have any symptoms, otherwise I too would be more alarmed.
REMEMBER....I'm still not sold on an affair either, both of those combined make me less concerned.
 

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Discussion Starter #404
I think a moral code and integrity is on a scale, not an either/or situation. And as for remorse for breaking their own moral code? People can justify anything if they want it bad enough.

Gently, you are being incredibly naive when it comes to your husband having opportunities for cheating. His traveling as much as he does is a cheater's paradise.
He has ALWAYS had opportunities for cheating. I have trust in him. OR I had trust in him. Now it more about logistics, but sure, I want to believe the best, not the worst. He traveled a lot for work with his first wife and she cheated while he was out of town, so for years for our marriage, his fear was that I would do the same thing. I had to explain to him multiple times, he was the one with ALL the opportunity while I was at home working and raising kids...hard (but I suppose not impossible) to drag your two young kids along on a tryst.
 

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I don't have any symptoms, otherwise I too would be more alarmed.
REMEMBER....I'm still not sold on an affair either, both of those combined make me less concerned.
Oh I remember. 🙂 And just to clear up the record, I was replying to @m.t.t Not that you can't talk on your own thread of course or any thread for that matter, but I didn't want there to be any misunderstanding.
 

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YES to all of this, and yes, it is possible that his thinking will never "return" to what it was. In fact, if it's a midlife crisis, where he's questioning his purpose and his mortality and how he envisions living out the rest of his "short" life and who he's giving his time and energy to...I am assuming he will change and grow and on the other side, he will be different with different goals/purpose.

I am just trying to put my best foot forward and be the best person I can be so when I look back I can say that I had integrity, I had standards (different from boundaries) and I have as few regrets as possible.

To the bolded, there is a distinction between being the best you can be versus making yourself attractive to him and playing the pick me dance. Because continuing to sleep with him and hoping that he'll come back to you and make life the way it was, is not healthy. It is not authentically trying to work on the marriage. If you want to work on yourself, then that would be even better, which would be not sleeping with him, not microanalyzing his every move. And that has nothing to do with possible cheating, and has everything to do with standing up for yourself against the way he's treating you.
 

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So you won’t really care if he is having sex with someone else... so that really isn’t the issue.

mainly this should be titled with your concern that he’s basically disrespecting you.
So address mainly the disrespect issues.
But why do you think you need to be compliant and easy to please him? Why don’t you be yourself? Express your true concerns openly? Looks like your personality is squashed in this marriage. That would be my concern - yet you don’t seem to think it’s an issue to be someone you’re not to please your husband.
 

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Discussion Starter #409
So you won’t really care if he is having sex with someone else... so that really isn’t the issue.

mainly this should be titled with your concern that he’s basically disrespecting you.
So address mainly the disrespect issues.
But why do you think you need to be compliant and easy to please him? Why don’t you be yourself? Express your true concerns openly? Looks like your personality is squashed in this marriage. That would be my concern - yet you don’t seem to think it’s an issue to be someone you’re not to please your husband.

Can I re-title the thread?
I'm lost...I'm trying hard to be myself and work on myself, how do I do both?
I want to change some things about myself and yet be myself....how do I do that?
and to be clear, I want to change some of these things just for me...
and to be clear, I am also doing some things because I think it will please him... so yes, I'm doing both.

My personality has never been squashed, but it definitely feels that way now.
 

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The STD comment was poorly worded, sorry.

What I meant was you only have to mention the possibility of an affair and people go into a panic about STD and insistence on STD testing.
 

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Can I re-title the thread?
I'm lost...I'm trying hard to be myself and work on myself, how do I do both?
I want to change some things about myself and yet be myself....how do I do that?
and to be clear, I want to change some of these things just for me...
and to be clear, I am also doing some things because I think it will please him... so yes, I'm doing both.

My personality has never been squashed, but it definitely feels that way now.
I don't think you need to retitle your thread. An affair is not really all about the sex is it?
 

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It just doesn't fit...I'm not saying he couldn't justify cheating because I've taken the sex life for granted and low priority, I'm saying he's had integrity and standards. Also, I'm not the type to take that lightly, so it's hard for me to wrap my brain around a person justifying that behavior to themselves.

Does that make sense?

People have integrity and standards and a moral code. Or they don't. If they do, then surely they have remorse? Remorse for breaking their own moral code?
I made the mistake of believing that my wife's "standards" would preclude her from cheating.
I'm not sure that she doesn't have those standards in her now.
She chose to betray her own standards to get something that she couldn't have in her current situation.
I think most are capable of that.
 

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Can I re-title the thread?
I'm lost...I'm trying hard to be myself and work on myself, how do I do both?
I want to change some things about myself and yet be myself....how do I do that?
and to be clear, I want to change some of these things just for me...
and to be clear, I am also doing some things because I think it will please him... so yes, I'm doing both.

My personality has never been squashed, but it definitely feels that way now.
my reference is for the present time. That’s really all the info we are working with. What’s happening now.
 

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Can I re-title the thread?
I'm lost...I'm trying hard to be myself and work on myself, how do I do both?
I want to change some things about myself and yet be myself....how do I do that?
and to be clear, I want to change some of these things just for me...
and to be clear, I am also doing some things because I think it will please him... so yes, I'm doing both.

My personality has never been squashed, but it definitely feels that way now.
Do you think that your attempt to give him what he wants, or to give him space and not stand up to him more, could be turning him OFF to you in certain ways...? Only YOU know HIM, but for some people, that can push them away more.
What if he actually wants you to be more assertive and demanding, and THAT would attract him back to you...?? How do you know your softer, gentler approach is really what he desires in you?
 

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Discussion Starter #416
Do you think that your attempt to give him what he wants, or to give him space and not stand up to him more, could be turning him OFF to you in certain ways...? Only YOU know HIM, but for some people, that can push them away more.
What if he actually wants you to be more assertive and demanding, and THAT would attract him back to you...?? How do you know your softer, gentler approach is really what he desires in you?
Great point!
 

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Do you think that your attempt to give him what he wants, or to give him space and not stand up to him more, could be turning him OFF to you in certain ways...? Only YOU know HIM, but for some people, that can push them away more.
What if he actually wants you to be more assertive and demanding, and THAT would attract him back to you...?? How do you know your softer, gentler approach is really what he desires in you?
I have to say that I agree. I was like you are being with my now ex-husband. What I got was no respect or breadcrumbs. It was confusing and a big mind ****.

When I had enough and I was over it. I became strong and threw him out. From then on I was really doing my own thing and not pretending to. I had little time for him. He wanted me back, he loved that I had balls and wouldn't take his **** anymore. He wanted back but by then I was done. Your husband might want to see this in you but I don't believe you can fake this. This has to be shown and to show it you really have to be done. It's hard to get back from done though I guess.
 

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OK so you say you know his schedule. So you are saying you don't think a woman could be meeting him at his hotel and spending the night?
I think she means that he is always in different locations. It would be hard unless the OW was actually traveling with him.
 

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I have said before, you need to get pissed off about this and put your foot down, as others now seem to be mentioning. Tell him if he is not sure that he wants to stay married to you, then he needs to go.


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I agree, make that decision for him... and for YOU!

living with someone who doesn’t value you 100% by cherishing you? No way!

he wants to act like a jerk and have bad moods - he can be by himself! That way his bad mood is ON HIM... and not you!!!

we train people how to treat us. You’ve trained him he can treat you like garbage.

time for him to learn differently! When you don’t treat someone right - they should leave! And you should too! Staying because it’s been a long marriage doesn’t indicate it’s happy in the present.
 
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