Talk About Marriage banner

361 - 380 of 465 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
601 Posts
I guess it might be kind of late for separate bedrooms after last night & this morning. BUT I do really like the idea of holding off on the new toys until WE are both working on the relationship.
Moods and feelings are variable, do not think that one good night of sex means that he's back in your corner. Men are very good at separating emotion from sex. You said the sex in the morning 'was not affectionate', what does that mean?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
18 Posts
It you "feel" like he might be cheating, that means a lot. If you felt he was depressed, angry, or any other thing, you wouldn't be feeling like he might be cheating. I was cheated on by a wonderful Christian wife after 25 years. Little signs made me think she "might" be cheating, and I spent two years in Limbo wondering what was going on. In my case, I wish I would have listened to my gut. She was. After I found the truth, I could see many things that were red flags that I didn't see at all before the truth came out. Some red flags were glaring, and I convinced myself that I shouldn't be even thinking about them because she wasn't that type of woman.

Please put a lot of emphasis on what your gut is telling you. Take action now. The Limbo-State can do tremendous damage to you. The longer you try to be non-judgmental, the longer you will be in Limbo. If he is not cheating, he will wake up and take action to prove it to you. Even angry, depressed, stressed or what other type of man he is, would never want you to think he's cheating. If he doesn't care that you suspect it, you need to let him go before the damage he does to you is permanent. Take action now. Don't wait because you don't want to jump to conclusions.

Let your gut be a glaring light in the situation.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
191 Posts
Discussion Starter #363
It you "feel" like he might be cheating, that means a lot. If you felt he was depressed, angry, or any other thing, you wouldn't be feeling like he might be cheating. I was cheated on by a wonderful Christian wife after 25 years. Little signs made me think she "might" be cheating, and I spent two years in Limbo wondering what was going on. In my case, I wish I would have listened to my gut. She was. After I found the truth, I could see many things that were red flags that I didn't see at all before the truth came out. Some red flags were glaring, and I convinced myself that I shouldn't be even thinking about them because she wasn't that type of woman.

Please put a lot of emphasis on what your gut is telling you. Take action now. The Limbo-State can do tremendous damage to you. The longer you try to be non-judgmental, the longer you will be in Limbo. If he is not cheating, he will wake up and take action to prove it to you. Even angry, depressed, stressed or what other type of man he is, would never want you to think he's cheating. If he doesn't care that you suspect it, you need to let him go before the damage he does to you is permanent. Take action now. Don't wait because you don't want to jump to conclusions.

Let your gut be a glaring light in the situation.
Thank you for your insight. When you say that the limbo state does tremendous damage, are you referring to the hurt of not knowing what's going on and feeling like you are on a roller coaster ride of emotions? OR is there more to it, not that that's not enough, but just wondering.
I do feel like he's depressed and angry, and there are glaring red flags.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
191 Posts
Discussion Starter #364
Moods and feelings are variable, do not think that one good night of sex means that he's back in your corner. Men are very good at separating emotion from sex. You said the sex in the morning 'was not affectionate', what does that mean?
NO, I do not feel like he is now in my corner. It was just a change, and it was playful, he was playful. This is the first time he has initiated since May. However, none of the sex came with affection. There has been no affection, no cuddling, no hand holding, no back rubs. I can also separate emotion from sex, I am enjoying the sex, but I miss the affection.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
191 Posts
Discussion Starter #366
How has he been the last several days?
I just got home from being out of town all weekend. He was only comfortable talking about work and whatever show was on the TV, seemed completely uninterested in talking about anything else, but he wasn't rude. The relaxed and playful person from Thursday was not present, but then work has us both pretty wound up. He's still a mixed bag. I believe he gets comfortable and "Falls" into old habits, like occasionally being thoughtful and considerate, and then remembering he's unhappy with me and pulling back.

He is generally pretty unhappy with all the stuff going on in the world right now, and I'm an easy target to direct the anger towards, so some of it I get because I do the same thing, however, that does not explain most of his attitude towards me - as far as no more affection - and he's done a very piss poor job of explaining WHY. Most people contributing on this thread think it's an affair, but I am not convinced. AND even if it is an affair, I'm not sure if that's a deal breaker for me or not.

I've got a week ahead of me where I need to be on my A game, I'm doing my best BadAss this week...got too much to take care of with work and life before we head off for our 5 day vacation. I plan on being pleasant, calm, confident, looking my best, and ignoring the elephant in the room. I'm being accused of playing the "pick me" routine but I prefer to look at it like this:

He's going through a crisis, he's unable or unwilling to talk about the details. He needs space emotionally and sometimes physically to work through his issue(s) and I'm doing my best to give him that space. No begging, no pleading, no weak needy person here. I'm going to focus on ME, putting my best foot forward regardless of how poorly he's acting. If he's acting unkind or unfair towards me, I will call him out and set my boundaries. When I look back on this time, I want to know that I tried my very best to save my marriage AND become the best person I could be. If it doesn't work out, I'll be devastated, but I won't regret my positive actions.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,972 Posts
So he's avoiding spending time at home, with me, and yet has agreed to go on a trip where we will be with each other (and another couple w/kids) for six days straight, two of them 10 hours in a car alone.
LOL...that sounds like pure Hell to ME, so I give the man credit because I wouldn't do it - and I'm a female.

Lots of cheaters still try to keep up the facade of family life while they're having an affair. All life doesn't just come to an abrupt halt simply because they're cheating - they still attend weddings and funerals and go on vacation and go to their kid's soccer games and their wives' company parties. And what kind of a d*ck would he look like to the other couple if he were to bow out of your vacation at the 11th hour? Of course he's still going to go. He's likely not going to be very good company though.

I used to read Other Woman support boards and it was pretty common for these men to be on vacation with their wives and calling or texting their girlfriends and crying and moaning to them about how 'horrible' their vacations were and how their wives made them go and how they wished they could be back home with them instead on an exotic island with their awful wives and blah blah blah.

Haven't read the whole thread but I'll assume you're still making excuses for why he couldn't possibly be cheating - such as his schedule being a 'logistical nightmare' so he couldn't possibly make plans with anyone else. And then there's the suggestion of the possible failure of his work PPE which may be exposing him to the horrible chemicals he comes into contact with. Are all his coworkers also being exposed due to faulty protective gear, or is it just consistently your husband? 🙄

I have such deja vu. I feel like this is the thread by 20year, "Found a Condom in my Husband's Bag" all over again.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
232 Posts
Hi, I'm new to the thread but been lurking and read it, I just wanted to say something. I believe your husband has always created an environment where you were able to "look the other way" until now. He put up a facade that everyone could believe in and you very much thought it was real. But now something happened, either he fell in love with the OW, or got dumped by an OW or something, and he can't put up the facade anymore. My ex acted just like your husband is acting now. I did the pick me dance for two years while he acted like this. Even after he moved out, I still continued to see him and try to get back together with him, to save the marriage and for our young child. I don't want that for you. It's a hellish way to live. I knew I needed to break it off and end it but I just couldn't, until something truly despicable happened. It was enough for me to end it then and there and never look back. I hope it doesn't take you two years like it did me. After that, it was a relief, a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I had no regret, except that I wish I'd done it much sooner. I wish I hadn't given my daughter mixed signals. My ex is a POS and he didn't deserve the family with me, and he was just using me.

I'm worried that if your husband goes back to the "facade" you will be happy and take him back. I don't think that's enough. You deserve an explanation for how he's treating you. He can't treat people that way. I think if true growth happens, you grow together, fix whatever happens, or move on and go separate ways, it would be a more authentic path forward. I think looking the other way, rug sweeping, is a disservice to the 24 years of marriage and years of your life you have put into the relationship. Blessings on your path forward.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,701 Posts
AND even if it is an affair, I'm not sure if that's a deal breaker for me or not.
Why do you feel it may not be a deal breaker? I'd really be interested to hear your thoughts on this.
 
  • Like
Reactions: frusdil

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,138 Posts
Why do you feel it may not be a deal breaker? I'd really be interested to hear your thoughts on this.
Probably because they've already opened the marriage.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
601 Posts
He may not be cheating but he might be thinking about it. He was hesitant when you asked if there was someone he was interested in. That's one reason I wouldn't be having sex with him right now, what if you find out he was imagining you were someone else during sex? I wouldn't go on vacation with him and the other couple, either. You are helping him to perpetuate the lie that 'everything's fine' to those around you. He knows other people would think he's a dog for how he's treating you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,701 Posts
Probably because they've already opened the marriage.
Yes, I recall the OP mentioning that early in this thread. However, that was years ago and this is now. I'm wondering if she's fine with opening up the marriage again. Since both of them agreed to it way back when, why would he be hesitant to tell her now that he's seeing someone else? (If he actually is ...)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
931 Posts
A planned vacation is required when any OW starts making demands- and plans!

it send the OW a signal that she’s demanding too much and the MM has a need to spend time calming his wife down.

so it’s two fold. It manipulated the OW and appeases the wife. He wins all around because the wife gets all happy (because it’s manipulation) and the OW starts to be more compliant because he’s paying attention to his wife/marriage.

his manipulative plan usually works on both women.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
165 Posts
Hi, I'm new to the thread but been lurking and read it, I just wanted to say something. I believe your husband has always created an environment where you were able to "look the other way" until now. He put up a facade that everyone could believe in and you very much thought it was real. But now something happened, either he fell in love with the OW, or got dumped by an OW or something, and he can't put up the facade anymore. My ex acted just like your husband is acting now. I did the pick me dance for two years while he acted like this. Even after he moved out, I still continued to see him and try to get back together with him, to save the marriage and for our young child. I don't want that for you. It's a hellish way to live. I knew I needed to break it off and end it but I just couldn't, until something truly despicable happened. It was enough for me to end it then and there and never look back. I hope it doesn't take you two years like it did me. After that, it was a relief, a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I had no regret, except that I wish I'd done it much sooner. I wish I hadn't given my daughter mixed signals. My ex is a POS and he didn't deserve the family with me, and he was just using me.

I'm worried that if your husband goes back to the "facade" you will be happy and take him back. I don't think that's enough. You deserve an explanation for how he's treating you. He can't treat people that way. I think if true growth happens, you grow together, fix whatever happens, or move on and go separate ways, it would be a more authentic path forward. I think looking the other way, rug sweeping, is a disservice to the 24 years of marriage and years of your life you have put into the relationship. Blessings on your path forward.
I could also have written this !
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
191 Posts
Discussion Starter #379
A planned vacation is required when any OW starts making demands- and plans!

it send the OW a signal that she’s demanding too much and the MM has a need to spend time calming his wife down.

so it’s two fold. It manipulated the OW and appeases the wife. He wins all around because the wife gets all happy (because it’s manipulation) and the OW starts to be more compliant because he’s paying attention to his wife/marriage.

his manipulative plan usually works on both women.
I understand your explanation and it makes sense.
but the truth is I am not happy and I think it's obvious and I don't think he cares.
This vacation isn't making me happy, so maybe it's all about OW and not me.
I'm not *****ing or complaining either, so maybe it's easy to ignore, but I refuse to follow him around demanding answers and begging for information.
Also, this vacation was NOT PLANNED....a different one was planned and it got cancelled.
This one was thrown together 20 days ago and I believe we are both exhausted just thinking about it.
 
361 - 380 of 465 Posts
Top