[Erudite]

To anyone who feels like they can't separate because of finances or is afraid to "lose everything". If there is will there is a way! This first year and a half since my separation has been so so so so tough. Mentally, emotionally, and financially. It is NOT easy so don't expect it to be! I had to live in a crappy yet absurdly expensive apartment. I was car-less. Had continous ex drama.

But BUT I finally closed, on my very own home! I have a car. My credit is good. A decent job. I even have a little savings! The divorce will be final Sept 11. And I 100% did it not having a dime to my own name after leaving my ex. But everything I have now is mine. Obtained by blood sweat and tears. And he has no claim to it. Heck, we are even beginning to co parent better!

It can be done y'all. It's super scary, and things get worse before they get better. But they do get better!

 

[TRy]

To anyone who feels like they can't separate because of finances or is afraid to "lose everything". If there is will there is a way! This first year and a half since my separation has been so so so so tough. Mentally, emotionally, and financially. It is NOT easy so don't expect it to be! I had to live in a crappy yet absurdly expensive apartment. I was car-less. Had continous ex drama.

But BUT I finally closed, on my very own home! I have a car. My credit is good. A decent job. I even have a little savings! The divorce will be final Sept 11. And I 100% did it not having a dime to my own name after leaving my ex. But everything I have now is mine. Obtained by blood sweat and tears. And he has no claim to it. Heck, we are even beginning to co parent better!

It can be done y'all. It's super scary, and things get worse before they get better. But they do get better!

Thanks for posting this. We need people to post such things more. At the end of the day, what will happen at the end of it all is the big question.

 

[Diana7]

How did you afford the lawyers fees? I had to sell my home to pay them

 

[Sfort]

How did you afford the lawyers fees? I had to sell my home to pay them

Was it worth the sacrifice?

 

[AVR1962]

Congratulations! I agree, it is scary and that is why many stay. I too left not having a job, no money saved to give me a start. Determination is amazing, we just have to be willing to move forward.

 

[Erudite]

How did you afford the lawyers fees? I had to sell my home to pay them

I had several legal aid help me with which documents to file etc but ultimately chose not to fight him because other than DS we had nothing to fight over. We rented so no house. I let him take the "family" car because he was stressing me out and using as a foothold in my life. He never worked so we had no savings since my job paid the bills. So nothing to split there. 20 years of marriage and we had accumulated nothing. It was like our marriage never existed. As far as child support. I have asked for less than I am owed and probably won't see a dime of it anyway. I left him for a reason, do I really think he will hold up his end? I just had to let that bull*** go and focus on what I could control and nothing I could not. i.e. him.

 

[AVR1962]

I had several legal aid help me with which documents to file etc but ultimately chose not to fight him because other than DS we had nothing to fight over. We rented so no house. I let him take the "family" car because he was stressing me out and using as a foothold in my life. He never worked so we had no savings since my job paid the bills. So nothing to split there. 20 years of marriage and we had accumulated nothing. It was like our marriage never existed. As far as child support. I have asked for less than I am owed and probably won't see a dime of it anyway. I left him for a reason, do I really think he will hold up his end? I just had to let that bull*** go and focus on what I could control and nothing I could not. i.e. him.

When I went through my divorce having been married over 20 years and living in a state that awarded alimony to a spouse who did not have equal income my attorney (charged to a credit card) told me that men will hide their money and will ask for less financial obligations. They explained that women feel if we please them they will be nice and will make the transaction easier but that was not the case. They were so right. My ex did exactly what they warned me of.

 

[Erudite]

Congratulations! I agree, it is scary and that is why many stay. I too left not having a job, no money saved to give me a start. Determination is amazing, we just have to be willing to move forward.

Thank you. It is scary! And I fell backward over and over. TAM helped me there. A little Ativan didn't hurt either. Lol You take help where you can get it and pay it forward. And I had alot of help! Do what you gotta do! Determination and alot of self care. I saw the biggest change when I stopped brooding and focusing so much on him. Now I have a small 2 bed 2 bath home which I never would have dreamed I could do even a year ago. I could barely look people I'm the eye. Now I am so much more confident. You can do this! I believe in you!

 

[DownByTheRiver]

To anyone who feels like they can't separate because of finances or is afraid to "lose everything". If there is will there is a way! This first year and a half since my separation has been so so so so tough. Mentally, emotionally, and financially. It is NOT easy so don't expect it to be! I had to live in a crappy yet absurdly expensive apartment. I was car-less. Had continous ex drama.

But BUT I finally closed, on my very own home! I have a car. My credit is good. A decent job. I even have a little savings! The divorce will be final Sept 11. And I 100% did it not having a dime to my own name after leaving my ex. But everything I have now is mine. Obtained by blood sweat and tears. And he has no claim to it. Heck, we are even beginning to co parent better!

It can be done y'all. It's super scary, and things get worse before they get better. But they do get better!

I am so happy for you. Kudos on your tenacity and thanks for encouraging others.

 

[Erudite]

When I went through my divorce having been married over 20 years and living in a state that awarded alimony to a spouse who did not have equal income my attorney (charged to a credit card) told me that men will hide their money and will ask for less financial obligations. They explained that women feel if we please them they will be nice and will make the transaction easier but that was not the case. They were so right. My ex did exactly what they warned me of.

I contemplated that something might happen like that. But my ex was stalking me sleeping out of the car in my drive. He needed me to be his meal ticket cuz he had nothing. Long story. I had to let go of the fear that he would take me to the cleaners and be honest. He was a jerkface user. He won't ever change. I needed to make right with myself and be happy with what I can provide for myself and my kids and LET GO of what I thought he owed me.

 

[RebuildingMe]

Congratulations! I love hearing these positive success stories. Your single life will be far better. Good luck on the new home!

 

[lifeistooshort]

Good for you. My father told me that when you divorce sometimes you have to think of the cost as the cost of getting your life back. For some people that cost is extreme unfortunately. With my kids father I let him have a deal he wouldn't get in court to be done wirh him. Needless to say I'm doing much better then him.

In your case I think it was wise to avoid a fight. The return on investment for a fight would've been small or even negative.

My friend that I mentioned on your other thread....also 20 years with a hb who wouldn't work....took the same path as you. And she made 6 figures...he just burned through everything. They rented their house and she had $8k in retirement.

Think about that...6 figure salary and that's all they had. She happily gave him half plus a lump sum in lieu of alimony, which he agreed to because he was dead broke and had his eye on another sugar mama.

She's remarried to a guy that works. Doesn't make nearly what she makes but works and doesn't blow through everything.

And guess what? They bought a house and have savings.

Now that you don't have that anchor around your neck you'll be fine.

 

[lifeistooshort]

I contemplated that something might happen like that. But my ex was stalking me sleeping out of the car in my drive. He needed me to be his meal ticket cuz he had nothing. Long story. I had to let go of the fear that he would take me to the cleaners and be honest. He was a jerkface user. He won't ever change. I needed to make right with myself and be happy with what I can provide for myself and my kids and LET GO of what I thought he owed me.

I'm so happy to see thar your eyes are open and you see him for what he is and that you took away his power, which he never really had except through your fear. Once the rose colored glasses are off everything changes.

Been there, have the t-shirt

 

[Openminded]

You did great! So many would have given up along the way but you didn’t and kept pushing forward. Now look at you!

 

[Erudite]

Good for you. My father told me that when you divorce sometimes you have to think of the cost as the cost of getting your life back. For some people that cost is extreme unfortunately. With my kids father I let him have a deal he wouldn't get in court to be done wirh him. Needless to say I'm doing much better then him.

In your case I think it was wise to avoid a fight. The return on investment for a fight would've been small or even negative.

My friend that I mentioned on your other thread....also 20 years with a hb who wouldn't work....took the same path as you. And she made 6 figures...he just burned through everything. They rented their house and she had $8k in retirement.

Think about that...6 figure salary and that's all they had. She happily gave him half plus a lump sum in lieu of alimony, which he agreed to because he was dead broke and had his eye on another sugar mama.

She's remarried to a guy that works. Doesn't make nearly what she makes but works and doesn't blow through everything.

And guess what? They bought a house and have savings.

Now that you don't have that anchor around your neck you'll be fine.

Exactly! When you are going through it the cost seems so extreme and difficult. The cost seems too high. Don't get me wrong, I have my regrets and wish things were different. But wishing is not reality! I won't ever make a 3 figure salary but my kids don't care and they know I work hard. Plus I will be able to leave them something when I go to the beyond...lol

 

[Erudite]

You did great! So many would have given up along the way but you didn’t and kept pushing forward. Now look at you!

Well you all know. You all saw how close I was to giving up and going back. Glad I didn't!

 

[Erudite]

I'm so happy to see thar your eyes are open and you see him for what he is and that you took away his power, which he never really had except through your fear. Once the rose colored glasses are off everything changes.

Been there, have the t-shirt

I let fear drag me down too long!

 

[Openminded]

Well you all know. You all saw how close I was to giving up and going back. Glad I didn't!

Yes, I thought you would go back. Very glad to be wrong.

 

[LATERILUS79]

Kick ass, Erudite. Nicely done.

 

[calmocean]

To anyone who feels like they can't separate because of finances or is afraid to "lose everything". If there is will there is a way! This first year and a half since my separation has been so so so so tough. Mentally, emotionally, and financially. It is NOT easy so don't expect it to be! I had to live in a crappy yet absurdly expensive apartment. I was car-less. Had continous ex drama.

But BUT I finally closed, on my very own home! I have a car. My credit is good. A decent job. I even have a little savings! The divorce will be final Sept 11. And I 100% did it not having a dime to my own name after leaving my ex. But everything I have now is mine. Obtained by blood sweat and tears. And he has no claim to it. Heck, we are even beginning to co parent better!

It can be done y'all. It's super scary, and things get worse before they get better. But they do get better!

Thanks for posting. I really needed to read this. I just filed yesterday, and I'm at the stage where I feel so uncertain, but I just know this is the right choice. I'm not happy.