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Discussion Starter #1
Hi Everyone,

Hope you are all doing well.

I need a little advise if any has any on dealing with a situation, me and my girlfriend got together 7 months ago and have been really happy together, she's told me many times she's not felt like she does with me about anyone else and her friends have all told me she's completely different with me than she has been with previous boyfriends.

All great you'd think, but then we hit a hiccup.

While on holiday for my birthday, I've no idea how but a saved "note" on her phone got sent to me and two of her friends, this was a conversation between her and someone she'd been having a thing with in her work, this turns out to be a Dr from her works who is married and was pretty graphic what they were talking about.

She tried to hide it from me by logging in to my phone and deleting it, when she couldn't get in she just left it, and eventually told me she'd sent it to me, this was talking about one of their meetups in their Gym they both go.

Now, I'm having such a bad time with it, she'd deleted the notes, she said she forget they were on her phone and no idea why she had them saved, she told the guy she was with me and didn't want any more to do with him after he asked why he'd not seen her in the gym, but she was having a thing with him and he told her he was getting a divorce, they stopped when she got with her ex, then started again when her an her ex split up.

My head a bit of a wreck with it all, anyone know what I should do? I want a future with her because we get on so well but it's caused a few discussions, she says she hates herself for it and said she'd completely told me the truth, but I don't believe her.

Any helps would be great
 

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Hi Everyone,

Hope you are all doing well.

I need a little advise if any has any on dealing with a situation, me and my girlfriend got together 7 months ago and have been really happy together, she's told me many times she's not felt like she does with me about anyone else and her friends have all told me she's completely different with me than she has been with previous boyfriends.

All great you'd think, but then we hit a hiccup.

While on holiday for my birthday, I've no idea how but a saved "note" on her phone got sent to me and two of her friends, this was a conversation between her and someone she'd been having a thing with in her work, this turns out to be a Dr from her works who is married and was pretty graphic what they were talking about.

She tried to hide it from me by logging in to my phone and deleting it, when she couldn't get in she just left it, and eventually told me she'd sent it to me, this was talking about one of their meetups in their Gym they both go.

Now, I'm having such a bad time with it, she'd deleted the notes, she said she forget they were on her phone and no idea why she had them saved, she told the guy she was with me and didn't want any more to do with him after he asked why he'd not seen her in the gym, but she was having a thing with him and he told her he was getting a divorce, they stopped when she got with her ex, then started again when her an her ex split up.

My head a bit of a wreck with it all, anyone know what I should do? I want a future with her because we get on so well but it's caused a few discussions, she says she hates herself for it and said she'd completely told me the truth, but I don't believe her.

Any helps would be great
Please define "having a thing with him!"

What exactly was the verbiage of the "incriminating text" of hers that accidentally got sent to you?

Better still, perhaps you would be better served in thoroughly examining her composite phone and texting records for several months back to see exactly how long that this clandestine activity of hers has been going on and just who it has been going on with!
 

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Discussion Starter #3
So, the general gist of this was a conversation between the two of them, it looks like about 3 msgs saved one after the other.

To me it looks like she kept it on purpose, it was them fooling around in their gym together and referring back to the previous times, it's pretty grim to read tbh.

I don't want to look through her phone, I don't think it's right, I just want her to tell me the truth but when it gets brought up she gets upset and cries because she says I'm going to leave her.

I am insulted that she tried to login to my phone to hide it as well, whatever her reasons were, I've never tried to get in to her phone because it's private, but the fact she went to these lengths to hide it from me is just insulting in itself.
 

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I am insulted that she tried to login to my phone to hide it as well, whatever her reasons were, I've never tried to get in to her phone because it's private, but the fact she went to these lengths to hide it from me is just insulting in itself.
I recommend you to stay away from the "feeling insulted" part above. That's kind of like an extra unnecessary layer.

It sounds like what you have learned is that she was willing to have an affair with a married man. But she stopped it whenever she was with someone else. How long ago was it?
 

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I don't want to look through her phone, I don't think it's right, I just want her to tell me the truth but when it gets brought up she gets upset and cries because she says I'm going to leave her.

I am insulted that she tried to login to my phone to hide it as well, whatever her reasons were, I've never tried to get in to her phone because it's private, but the fact she went to these lengths to hide it from me is just insulting in itself.
I agree that that doesn't exactly build confidence that she is being honest with you now. Being "honest" after you've been caught red-handed isn't honesty at all. She engaged in these conversations, and what's more, she kept them, and what's more than that, she tried to cover her tracks by deleting them. You should be insulted that she tried to do this, and her crying that you are going to leave her, although probably genuine contrition, shouldn't affect your decision. She's in the wrong, and she needs to own it.

If I was you, I might try and get some time away from her, so you can both think about what you want to do. Good luck.
 

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Did this occur before or after you started dating her? Do the messages indicate intent to do "something," and was there follow-through with action, or not? You're post is unclear and lacking a timeline for reference.
 

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Forget her past. Your biggest problem is the duplicitous behavior she is showing you TODAY. Do you think this will get better over time? What do you suppose your relationship will look like over the long-term. You can look forward to half-truths, straight up lies, misdirection, willful omissions and more. Is that what you want?

Some things are deal breaker. What she did with your phone would be one for me. Deceit is not a good glue in a relationship.
 

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Wow and we are again another beta guy afraid to look through wife or girlfriend's phone because it's just not right, what about her cheating on you.? What about finding out the truth and protecting yourself... you know people lie especially cheaters right. Hey this relationship is a big part of your life. Forget about this privacy crap 💩 no one else is going to do it for you... she had no problem trying to hack password to get into your phone to delete her Affair.! Funny here you are so adamant about her privacy.
 

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Forget her past. Your biggest problem is the duplicitous behavior she is showing you TODAY. Do you think this will get better over time? What do you suppose your relationship will look like over the long-term. You can look forward to half-truths, straight up lies, misdirection, willful omissions and more. Is that what you want?

Some things are deal breaker. What she did with your phone would be one for me. Deceit is not a good glue in a relationship.
This is exactly what worries me now, we're talking about having a future together but then I feel like there's this leering over our heads, then I question what if he turns back up, does she have to speak to him in work and if she does will she try to hide it from me.

I'm in a bit of a tough situation, I love her to bits, and I know she loves me. Can people change? Everyones commented about her changing but, do they?
 

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Unfortunately, while her friends think she has changed since being with you she really hasn't. Her recent behavior demonstrates this. She's only created a person she thought you would fall for and it worked until her slip up. She really is the person she was before she met you. I'd be thankful you found this out now while dating and not after 2 or 3 years of marriage. I'd walk away from this relationship. I think you'll find that in a short time she'll go back to her old ways and you'll know you made the right decision.
 

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Career woman here, 59 years old, married 37 years (first time for both of us). You've heard of the question, "Does a leopard change its spots?". Your girlfriend has not changed. She's gotten better in her ways. If you cannot accept her behavior of cheating, move on and save yourself the heartbreak. Life's journey is a long and hard road. There are many challenges ahead and you don't want a partner who can't carry her weight. Worse yet, is the realization that you have lost your way.
 

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Past is past...but it is also a indicator of a persons moral code. That also can change, and improve, but it is still something that happened.

Are you upset about the part that she was fooling around with a married man, or are you upset that she had a certain connection with him that you feel is similar to what she says she has only had with you? Or both? I am unclear on what you are having trouble dealing with.

I feel for you. I too have trouble dealing with my spouses long resume before me. I have to work very hard to try not to think about it or bring it up, because it only serves to upset me, and there is NOTHING either of us can do about it. His stuff isn't questionable, for me it's just the quantity that is astounding.
 

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Discussion Starter #14
Career woman here, 59 years old, married 37 years (first time for both of us). You've heard of the question, "Does a leopard change its spots?". Your girlfriend has not changed. She's gotten better in her ways. If you cannot accept her behavior of cheating, move on and save yourself the heartbreak. Life's journey is a long and hard road. There are many challenges ahead and you don't want a partner who can't carry her weight. Worse yet, is the realization that you have lost your way.
She hasn't directly cheated on me, as far as I'm aware and she has sworn she never would because of how she feels about me, I mean I've spoken with her folks and even they have said she's never been this way with previous relationships
 

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I agree that that doesn't exactly build confidence that she is being honest with you now. Being "honest" after you've been caught red-handed isn't honesty at all. She engaged in these conversations, and what's more, she kept them, and what's more than that, she tried to cover her tracks by deleting them. You should be insulted that she tried to do this, and her crying that you are going to leave her, although probably genuine contrition, shouldn't affect your decision. She's in the wrong, and she needs to own it.

If I was you, I might try and get some time away from her, so you can both think about what you want to do. Good luck.

Exactly
 

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This is exactly what worries me now, we're talking about having a future together but then I feel like there's this leering over our heads, then I question what if he turns back up, does she have to speak to him in work and if she does will she try to hide it from me.

I'm in a bit of a tough situation, I love her to bits, and I know she loves me. Can people change? Everyones commented about her changing but, do they?
You seem hesitant to answer the question when did this affair take place,was it years or months ago.I believe that if someone is trying to put their past behind them then they should be given the opportunity to do so.Her trying to log onto your phone was probably her trying to delete something then she is ashamed of.
The biggest problem in my opinion is her refusing to discuss the matter,for all you know it may be an ongoing affair.Her turning on the waterworks is just her way of deflecting your questions.Explain to her how frustrating this is for you,not knowing is she even been faithful to you and insist on full disclosure.
I don't agree with other posters that she is playing a role,she may have played hard in the past but now has met "the one" and is terrified of losing you.
Just my opinion.
 

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She hasn't directly cheated on me, as far as I'm aware and she has sworn she never would because of how she feels about me, I mean I've spoken with her folks and even they have said she's never been this way with previous relationships
People don't cheat when they are in deep love with someone, and of course she will tell you she would never cheat on your because of how she feels about you (today !!!!...this moment) the point that many are saying here, is not that you have to worry about her today or 2 months from now or perhaps 2 years from now its that is it in her behavior to do it...that is that point...its a red flag...so whether you chose to do something about it is your business...but what you have discovered is a warning.
 

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Even if she loved someone else in the past as much as she loves you, it doesn't take away from her feelings for you.

Why such a need for her to have extra special, never before, feelings for you?

My bf had been married and divorced before. I'm sure he loved her massively. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.
It doesn't mean he doesn't now love me. There's nothing taken away from how much he loves me just because he had also loved someone else before.
 

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Forget her past. Your biggest problem is the duplicitous behavior she is showing you TODAY. Do you think this will get better over time? What do you suppose your relationship will look like over the long-term. You can look forward to half-truths, straight up lies, misdirection, willful omissions and more. Is that what you want?

Some things are deal breaker. What she did with your phone would be one for me. Deceit is not a good glue in a relationship.
Exactly. She owes it to you to respect your property since you are not married yet.
 

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Im confused... why were these old notes being sent to anyone in the first place? This man still works with her? She sounds like a cheat to me... seeing a married man, then getting with another man and dumping him, then getting back with him... I think you would to well to move along from this this woman.
 
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