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Recently i was having some problems with my H and made the mistake of confiding in my mum. A few nights ago she walked in on us having a heart to heart and i was crying. When she saw me crying she exploded at my H and kicked him out of the her home.

Then the next morning she confided in my sister (which i asked her specifically not to) and told her the problems i was having with H, then later on that evening i overheard them both discussing my H and my sister said he was a b****d and a liar and that she knew from the beginning he would hurt me. Naturally hearing this really hurt me.

Long story short- i said to my sister that she has always hated my H (She to ignores and be rude to him) we the exchanged back and forth a few emails. I will insert an exract from her email here:

And I tell you why I keep a distance from your
husband. I didn't want to say anything because I didn't want to embarrass you and make things even
more awkward and even more unresolvable. At the beginning I spoke to you and said that I felt
uncomfortable and inappropriate about how your husband was always hugging and kissing me. I still
remember you tried to defend him, and told me to speak to him myself!! I then did on lots and lots
of occasions tell him to stop and that not even my brother acted like that with me. But he didn't,
just kept being inappropriate. Then in front of you and ****** he took it too far and started kissing
and nibbling on my ear! I was shocked, and I still remember **** saying "shouldn't you just do that
with your wife" AND even after that he kept being inappropriate until I screamed at him and just
decided to keep away from him. I was trying to protect your feelings by not bringing all this up,
and I was slowly now trying to be civil with him for your sake. But knowing you, you'll just defend
him, screw your sister. And now it will be even more awkward. I know what you'll say " that was ages
ago" just like all the crap you keep bringing up was ages ago. Well there you have it. Have a happy
life.


Now let me clarify what happened. This all happened about 4 years ago right at the beginning of our marriage. My H is naturally a affectionate person and hugs and kisses my mum too(she doesn't mind.) Point 1 - When she says hugging it was never a never a hug from the front or the back it was always a hug from the side-a arm around her shoulder hug. Point 2- when she says kissing, it was always a kiss on the cheek. Point 3 - all this happened in front of me always. Point 4 - My H doesn't remember nibbling her ear and neither do i. He was shocked when i told him she had said this, and i think i would remember something like that. The only explanation i have is he went to kiss her on the cheek, missed and kissed her ear. I gave her this explanation but she says that im accusing her of being a liar and just defending my husband.

She is angry that he did not stop this straight away. I want to stress that we do understand that she did not like behavior and it overstepped her personal boundaries. Point is my H at the time did not realize straight away that's why he carried on.

My H says he took her a sister and thats why he used to do this, but now deeply regrets it.

This is an extract from a second email:
I did truly believe that his intentions weren't sinister, but the behavior was still inappropriate and it made me feel awkward and not nice.The reason I told you about this (even though you are well aware of this already) is because you are accusing me of irrationally hating your husband (which i don't by the way) i wanted to tell you what was the root cause of the distance.

Im annoyed with her that she could be so insensitive to bring this up after 4 years....and im annoyed because the way she is making it out i feel like she is saying he is a sexual predator or something !!!

Everytime i try to explain why he behaved like that, try to make her see that's its no biggie, that once he did eventually realise he did stop(boys can be a bit slow sometimes!) she juts says im making excuses for him!! WTF!!

I have tried to keep this short, but please feel free to ask me any questions if you need any further clarification on any points.

This whole issue is affecting our marriage as we are arguing about it. My husband is upset because he thinks im not trusting him.

I hate them both right now, i don't know what to do next.
 

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1.) Okay, STOP making excuses for your H. He made your sister feel EXTREMELY UNCOMFORTABLE when they first met. She got a bad vibe from him from the get-go and it's colored their whole relationship. Quit acting like she's a b!tch because she didn't like the way your H acted with her. She *IS* entitled to feel any way she wants to about his behavior and about him!

2.) Obviously you learned the lesson about keeping PRIVATE business PRIVATE...even (or especially) from your Mother.

You really want to put this rest? Does your family want to put this to rest? If so, you need a family meeting.

Have H, Mom, Sis and you get together. Have them sit down and tell them that for the next 10 minutes you want them to BE QUIET and REALLY listen to you. Tell them that you love EACH of them and you believe that they love you, but you are TIRED of being in the middle and feeling torn between all of them (reiterate that they need to shut up now if they start defending themselves.)

Turn to H, tell him, "H, I love you. Do you love me?" He will, of course, say 'yes'. Tell him, "I apologize for telling my mother our personal business. I will NOT do that again." Turn to your mother and tell her, "Mum, I love you. Do you love me?" "I apologize for dumping my marital problems on you and putting you in the middle of our marriage. I won't do that again." Turn to your sister, "S I love you. Do you love me?" "I apologize for not being respectful of your feelings over the years. I am sorry I dismissed how upset you were. I will not do that again."

"Now, since ALL of you love me, I'm sure you do not want me to be in the middle of choosing between you all again."

"H, please apologize to my sister for making her feel uncomfortable. No excuses, we know you didn't mean it, but it happened never the less." Hopefully, H will be a big enough man to apologize and break this cycle. If he does, thank him for apologizing and helping to mend this mess.

"Mum, I would like an apology to H and me for telling our personal business to S."

"S, I would like an apology for making me feel I had to choose between you and H."

If everyone apologizes, agree to leave THIS BUSINESS in the past and to try anew from today onward.

If someone(s) refuses to apologize, tell them you are tired of living in the drama and will be moving away from all this emotional baggage. If they care to stay there and NOT work at improving the situation, they will stay there WITHOUT YOU.

Remember that YOU CANNOT change others. You can show them a way, but it is up to THEM to take the step.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
I am not making excuses for my h i did say in my post that he acknowldges it made her her feel uncomfortable,whatever his intentions were. The point is why then when this all stopped did she continue to sit and laugh and joke with my h.what im trying to say is if she was that badly affected my h would have apologised sooner.why she felt the need to bring it up after such a long time is what i dont understand.
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It seems to me that, at this point, it doesn't matter so much how you got here, but that you are here.

I totally agree with SlowlyGettingWiser, in that it is time to be in the present and get the drama stopped. Time for a meeting.
 
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