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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I posted here earlier this week and have gotten more familiar with the site since. A lot of good info here and I appreciate all the knowledge.

My situation is that my wife apparently had an EA going on a few years back, and has had lesser attachments to other other men since then. None are still around but I still worry about the next time this happens and she still has men approach her regularly. Lots of work to be done on my part as others have made clear.

My question now is about how my wife sees the attentions of other men. She views it as validation and an ego boost for herself, which is why I think she slowly gets wrapped up in this nonsense, at least in part.

But in reality, since men aren't like women in that way and we often chase lots of women, isn't such attention not really the validation she thinks it is? I don't mean I chase other women, or that anyone here does by the way.

What I mean is in general men will sleep with a woman given the chance if he is without other attachment, and so this pursuit by other men isn't really the compliment my wife thinks it is? If a man at work or out and about will approach her that way, isn't he showing how little he thinks of her? How little he or others respect our marriage? And also that those who encourage her in this kind of behavior are not really her friends or admirers?

Just some thoughts but I was curious what people might think. Also, should I ask her about any of this or not?
 

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I think if she feels flattered by the attention there probably isn't much you're going to say to change that... I kind of got the impression that if you said to her what you've said here, she might feel like she's being told she isn't worthy of genuine attention.

The EAs are a whole other ballpark. Seems like she may have some difficulty understanding, or defining appropriate boundaries. I haven't read your other posts... Is she in counseling of any sort? If you both attended Marriage Counseling together it could help give her some perspective on things...
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I posted here earlier this week and have gotten more familiar with the site since. A lot of good info here and I appreciate all the knowledge.

My situation is that my wife apparently had an EA going on a few years back, and has had lesser attachments to other other men since then. None are still around but I still worry about the next time this happens and she still has men approach her regularly. Lots of work to be done on my part as others have made clear.

My question now is about how my wife sees the attentions of other men. She views it as validation and an ego boost for herself, which is why I think she slowly gets wrapped up in this nonsense, at least in part.

But in reality, since men aren't like women in that way and we often chase lots of women, isn't such attention not really the validation she thinks it is? I don't mean I chase other women, or that anyone here does by the way.

What I mean is in general men will sleep with a woman given the chance if he is without other attachment, and so this pursuit by other men isn't really the compliment my wife thinks it is? If a man at work or out and about will approach her that way, isn't he showing how little he thinks of her? How little he or others respect our marriage? And also that those who encourage her in this kind of behavior are not really her friends or admirers?

Just some thoughts but I was curious what people might think. Also, should I ask her about any of this or not?
It is validation that she is reasonably attractive and not personally repulsive.

Men might be less discriminating in general than women about potential partners, but we're not blind, dumb, or deaf.

I was in college working fast food as a franchise manager when I started studying the "busy bee" effect every time a new girl was hired. Buzz, buzz, buzz, all the boy worker bees would flirt and dance up a storm to show the way to their honeypot until the New Girl Smell wore off or an even newer girl entered the hive.

But it didn't happen to every girl. Fat ones, ugly ones, irritating ones didn't get the same level of attention, if any at all.

That's the long answer for yes, it's validation.
 

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Yes it's validation. That's why so many affairs happen. Yes, it validates that she is attractive. But that is all it validates. The husband is in the unique position to validate her on all levels not just one. The type of validation you get outside your marriage is very superficial. You can be at your best and no need see your dark shadows. You can be the perfect person that you want to be to the om/ow but it can not, can never be the real you because the real you has a home, a family, baggage. We look for superficial validation because it is easy to come by. An instant confidence booster.
 

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GFN....Personally, I agree with you. Attention from other men means nothing to me, nor about me. When another man shows me "that" kind of attention, it does not make me think "oh my, I must be lookin' good". Nope. Instead, it just makes me think "yep, men are men, they notice women", and that's it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
These are good answers everyone thanks. I guess I just was wondering how much of it all is miscommunication. Like she thinks that each man is "in love" or whatever and really he's just thinking of her until the next woman happens along as one answer discussed.

I don't think that's the case with her EA, or maybe it was, but the other OMs for sure I think it was just men wanting sex. But I guess if she was open to that type of attention then this is all grasping at straws anyway.

None of it can be good whatever the motivation, but I was just thinking if she could see that she isn't something special in another man's eyes, but is just being used, maybe she would see it differently.

But I could be wrong and maybe I'm assuming ignorance on her part when it really isn't there. She's said some things to me that make me think she's really more aware than I thought at first. Disillusionment over a wife is tough.
 

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I feel as parents....we need to teach our girls from a young age just how men ARE...they are hardwired to eyeball, talk and flirt with pretty women, they hope to get them into
many times...and other times....just for a RISE.....it is even validation to the men when the pretty girl responds.....this raises his temperature....yet still....it means virtually NOTHING of true worth -other than she is not a "dog" and "doable" by his hormonal state.

Then such men move on to the next beauty and say all the same lines to her as well...it's all for a "hook", but with what intentions? How many are seeking something REAL...and if she is married.... why??

When I was younger, I always felt the most "special" , those compliments holding more Weight/ worth ~ when it was spoken of my intelligence, or something I accomplished over my Looks...

When I met my husband I told him he was different than other guys..... because he didn't spew all those "flirting lines"...I think I sealed my fate when I told him I didn't like flirting... which was kinda dumb... we should have enjoyed a little more of that in our youth.. :eek:
 

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In general men are not as choosy about who they mate with. That's their biology.

If your wife gets a lot of attention then I am sure she is attractive (on a universal scale.) But if she thinks that every man that shows her interest is in love with her then she is deluded. I am guessing she is not 17 years old and thus has a teenager's sentiments.

Isn't this how men used to get laid in the old days. Tell a girl they loved her and would marry her etc. then disappeared leaving a ruined reputation and may be an unwanted baby.

Probably still happens a lot now thinking about it.
 

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For me there is a thrill in an outsider showing interest. That said, if I were happy in my current situation I probably would not feel the same way. It the current situation is dim or if I am feeling ignored, anyone who is excited to talk to me can brighten my day. I never act on it but it's nice to know that people who want me exist. I hope that makes sense and doesn't sound too horrible.
 

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The husband is in the unique position to validate her on all levels not just one. The type of validation you get outside your marriage is very superficial.
I agree with this and so are wives to their husbands.Most men desire at least over long term more validation than they are attractive enough to their wife for her to want to have sex with him.Thats why words of admiration /affirmation are usually a very important ingredient to feeling desired as a whole person.And not just "your hot".O.K ..now that you have told me what you admire about me that sorry ..I can find a rank stranger to tell me ,what else about me do you find attractive?(NOT excluding I'm hot..LOL).

Honestly?If I had an EA? It wouldn't be to be validated I'm attractive enough for a man to want to or be willing to have sex with me.Its flattering on some level depending on the man at a "base" level but its nothing that validates me as an individual that has anything to really do with "me" .Its not a "talent" /character /personality trait or accomplishment.
 

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Oh and yes.To me?Once a man knows I'm married heavy flirtation /suggestions / is 1) an insult to me but 2) I lose respect for the man.And I'm not talking about goofing around a little or a mild compliment..and not at all about non "physical';sexual related compliments or admiration.

Oh and its disrespectful and insulting to my husband.As well as if some woman (knowing he is married) is pouring on the flirts and suggestions I'm being disrespected and insulted as well.
 

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Its amazing to me how low some people will go. They know a person is married, the might know that there are children and yet they pour it on and take things as far as they can. Scum.
Yeah I had a man strike up a conversation with me in the ailse of a vitamin store.Like he was asking me if I knew about "insert supplement" next thing he was going on about he was retired and all he had left to do was travel the world and and spend his money exotic places.He named the supplements he takes that keep him "virile" like a 20 year old (wink)..I had on a wedding ring but he still mentioned "so you are married right'? I'm like yes..but he did not stop.Including he was divorced and available (wink).How much he enjoyed our conversation ya know hard to find people (BS ) that are into all the health foods and supplements and like talking about it.DAMN I just wish we could talk some more sometime (of course looking me up and down) ...too bad there is just no way we couldnt just "talk" sometime..lingering as he said that..I just said yeah that would be "nice" but I really don't feel like it would be "appropriate"(yeah like get picked up in a vitamin store to have an affair really gonna happen(roll eyes)I said maybe in another life.He finally said "what a shame but I understand.

I dont fault him for just asking.But when he kept going on after I confirmed I was married thats when he started to disgust me.
 

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I feel as parents....we need to teach our girls from a young age just how men ARE...they are hardwired to eyeball, talk and flirt with pretty women, they hope to get them into
many times...and other times....just for a RISE.....it is even validation to the men when the pretty girl responds.....this raises his temperature....yet still....it means virtually NOTHING of true worth -other than she is not a "dog" and "doable" by his hormonal state.

Then such men move on to the next beauty and say all the same lines to her as well...it's all for a "hook", but with what intentions? How many are seeking something REAL...and if she is married.... why??

When I was younger, I always felt the most "special" , those compliments holding more Weight/ worth ~ when it was spoken of my intelligence, or something I accomplished over my Looks...

When I met my husband I told him he was different than other guys..... because he didn't spew all those "flirting lines"...I think I sealed my fate when I told him I didn't like flirting... which was kinda dumb... we should have enjoyed a little more of that in our youth.. :eek:
I think that men who flirt all the time with women married or unmarried are doing a disservice to themselves. Yes we need educate our daughters but we also need to educate or sons. Of course we need to teach them to respect women, but it goes beyond that. Some men enjoy being a "player" but being a "player" isn't something to aspire to. It creates all sorts of problems from unwanted pregnancies, risk of STD, financial ruin etc etc We also need to teach them to respect other men. Truly. Men are left out there to fight it out amongst themselves. Many men here can attest to the fact that they hate the OM when they find out their wives are having some sort of affair. Some men evn have confrontations with the OM. Really we need to get rid of gender boundaries and just teach all our children respect. Respect for others and respect for themselves.
 

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Yes we need educate our daughters but we also need to educate or sons. Of course we need to teach them to respect women, but it goes beyond that.
YES SIR! Women should not be charged with just trying to "deal with how men are"..Our sons can learn proper respect and etiquette. Not just be given the free pass you cant "help it' your guy that's beyond your control.You son (I have 3) are not "entitled" to women.They weren't put here on earth for you to sexually harrass and that's what it is after a certain point.Not your God given right because of some sort of "hard wiring".
 

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YES SIR! Women should not be charged with just trying to "deal with how men are"..Our sons can learn proper respect and etiquette. Not just be given the free pass you cant "help it' your guy that's beyond your control.You son (I have 3) are not "entitled" to women.They weren't put here on earth for you to sexually harrass and that's what it is after a certain point.Not your God given right because of some sort of "hard wiring".
I agree. I have to say though that women often set themeselves up. My neice is just starting to get into boys. She is FB friends with a certain boy who is her "best friend" but she intensely dislikes his new "girlfriend". Mostly because this girl wants the boy to make her his priority and have less to do with my neice. But you know what? That girl is well within her rights to want that. And the angrier my neice becomes about it the more I see that she has more than just friendly feelings for this boy. IMHO, my neice is setting herself up for some serious heartbreak before she can even drive! But more than that she is starting a pattern of being disrespectful of other girls/women and encouraging behaviour in boys/men that should not be tolerated.
 

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That girl is well within her rights to want that. And the angrier my neice becomes about it the more I see that she has more than just friendly feelings for this boy. IMHO, my neice is setting herself up for some serious heartbreak before she can even drive! But more than that she is starting a pattern of being disrespectful of other girls/women and encouraging behaviour in boys/men that should not be tolerated.
Oh yes...teenage drama ! She needs readily available and ongoing guidance.Including someone could tell her place your self in his GF's shoes? What if he was YOUR BF and she was "just a friend" ?

But in general in my experience with the girls? OH my gosh.Yes a little "righeous" jealousy is one thing..but some of them can be SOOOOOOOOO possesive it makes my head spin.And demanding!My at the time 16 yo had a GF..she would get "pissed off" if my son did not respond to her text in minutes..10 minutes?He had to explain what he was doing and why he took so long.She also had a set of double standards that was so obvious.My son innocently said one time to me ..."I have to be on a short leash she gets to be on a long one"..:rofl:
 

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I posted here earlier this week and have gotten more familiar with the site since. A lot of good info here and I appreciate all the knowledge.

My situation is that my wife apparently had an EA going on a few years back, and has had lesser attachments to other other men since then. None are still around but I still worry about the next time this happens and she still has men approach her regularly. Lots of work to be done on my part as others have made clear.

My question now is about how my wife sees the attentions of other men. She views it as validation and an ego boost for herself, which is why I think she slowly gets wrapped up in this nonsense, at least in part.

But in reality, since men aren't like women in that way and we often chase lots of women, isn't such attention not really the validation she thinks it is? I don't mean I chase other women, or that anyone here does by the way.

What I mean is in general men will sleep with a woman given the chance if he is without other attachment, and so this pursuit by other men isn't really the compliment my wife thinks it is? If a man at work or out and about will approach her that way, isn't he showing how little he thinks of her? How little he or others respect our marriage? And also that those who encourage her in this kind of behavior are not really her friends or admirers?

Just some thoughts but I was curious what people might think. Also, should I ask her about any of this or not?
I know where you're coming from. I get hit on by men all the time, in spite of them knowing that I'm married. It used to flatter me but not anymore. It's rather kind of tiresome and annoying, as I just want to make some friends. Some understand and back off when I say I'm happily married. Others come up with all sort of lines. My "fav" is : " He doesn't have to know..." Really...what the hell is in people's mind??

How does your wife respond? If she just enjoys a little attention, but always say she is married and turns down the going out offers, you have nothing to worry. You should be proud to have a pretty wife. But if she enjoys it too much, to the point of flirting and encouraging, there is a problem.

I wouldn't want everybody to stop noticing me and paying me compliments though. It's a validation of confidence. Not that my H doesn't provide validation, but you know what I mean.

A small joke : " When a woman marries, she trades the attention of all men for the lack of attention of a single one "

:)
 
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No but thats not the issue

Needing validation from outside sources to the point appropriate boundaries are crossed is pathetic but its no more pathetic tanlosuy husbands that fail to meet the needs of their wives by dropping the romance and pursuit efforts toward their wives at a about 18 months to three years into a marriage and expect her to still love the relationship instead of just find it somewaht satisfying whille staying put for the financial incentives and for the kids and make teh best of it.

It is an indicator of a lack of self esteem that is either caused by their spouses neglect of their needs in this area, or emotional abuse or some missing ingedient in another area of their lives.

Just because woman tolerate a marriage doesnt mean husbands are doing their best to romance their wives. By best I mean educating themselves on the ways of their woman and keeping up the effort she may deserve for an eternity
 
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