[IsleofBing]

So 2 month ago to the day my wife moved out saying she needed space to help her feel better about herself. I gave her this space then she turned around 2 days later and asked for a divorce. I have 3 small kids so this was not an appeasing scenario for me to say the least. I'm of the school that if you truly love someone then you will give them what they want even if its not in your best interest. I love my wife and kids but I can't hold her here in this marriage against her will. I don't care if she is cheating or not she's gone and I think the abandonment hurts worse than any act of infidelity could. I've been through the whole we are separated so it doesn't count days early in our relationship...so I speak from experiance. When I tried early in our seperation to promise change and suggested counseling it was met with anger and got me no where. Now that I have stopped chasing and turned my attention towards accepting my fate and working on myself and developing a life with out her in it. She wants to accuse me of pushing her away every conversation with her brings a comment about my attitude, or how I'm pissy today, or how I always make her feel like ****. How can I do that when I hardly talk to you? She constantly tells me how she doesn't want me to hate her. Really are you kidding me here? What she wants is me to absolve her guilt. To say no I don't hate you I deserve this please give me more of it. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.

 

[lostinspaces]

You sound pretty well reasoned. I am still struggling with something that you seem to have well in hand: they actually want you to absolve them of guilt (consciously or subconsciously).

I also think it is hard for them to accept it when you appear to be pulling away. From what I've read/heard/seen women still want the safety net they have known as they trasition to their new life. This is why it is so much more common for a woman to replace her man before leaving than to leave first and then replace.

 

[IsleofBing]

10/30/2012

So I haven't physically seen my ex since Tuesday (10/20) when I dropped of my kids school uniforms and my son'e glasses that he had misplaced that morning. She said she wanted to be friends and I told her that I didn't know how to do that in this situation that i didn't get what it was she wanted from me since friendship is so broad. She didn't like that response so she kicked me out of her apartment, slammed and locked the door. Then she sends me a text telling me "It's okay if I hate her". I sent back that i didn't hate her. So today is the 2nd day of blackout no contact. I don't know if im doing the right thing by not talking since we have kids. So I will lay it out here in hopes of an outside opinion.

I'm 27 my wife is also 27. We have a 7yr old son, a 5 yr old daughter, and a 3 year old daughter. We have been married for 9 years.
STBXW: Apartment in town, Food Stamps, New Job(This week) Medical Coordinator in DT Houston. Paid for car( I gave to her for my kids). and all her own "Seperate Bills"

Me: Own my house free and clear. Car payment, seperate bills leaving me about $60 a month to support my kids on.

I am in the process of down grading my life and changing carrers in an attempt to have more disposable income for my kids. It would require me to give back my truck ($400), which would mean no more insurance ($200) or gas ($800). I would carpool with my Brother to work and hope to save enough to buy a used cash car. This means however that I would have to change when I see my kids.

Our VERBAL agreement when we seperated in August was that I would pay half of all the kids expenses and that we would split custody I got them (friday night, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday Morning.) These were the days that she had to work at the club overnight. Now that she has a new job all that has to change. I would now get them everyother Weekend and they would be with her Monday thru Friday because of school and the fact that she can get to them sooner during the week than me because I have no idea when my day will end (Sometimes 5pm sometimes 4am the next morning). I fear becoming an Absentee father because of my work scedule.

Yesterday she called me at least 27 times 6A-6P, Texted me about 12 times. When she could not get a hold of me she started calling my Brother and Dad to find out if they had talked to me. Her Aunt had our kids so she wasn't calling to talk to them or about them. She left me messages stating I guess your mad at me but YOUR always mad so whatever.

Am I doing the right thing? I'm not mad just hurt and tired of arguing. Should I answer her calls and just not initiate conversations?

 

[Conrad]

Actually, you're completely on the wrong track. But, the premises you've laid out prohibit you from acting in your own best interests.

 

[IsleofBing]

So what would be the right course of action?

 

[Conrad]

>>So 2 month ago to the day my wife moved out saying she needed space to help her feel better about herself. I gave her this space then she turned around 2 days later and asked for a divorce.<<

Classic signs of wishing to explore her relationship with posOM without you watching.

>>I have 3 small kids so this was not an appeasing scenario for me to say the least. I'm of the school that if you truly love someone then you will give them what they want even if its not in your best interest. I love my wife and kids but I can't hold her here in this marriage against her will.<<

How can you be certain what her "will" actually is? Is she more sincere about dumping the relationship now than she was when she said it was great just a few short months ago? What needs to happen is to give her a good shake in the foundation.

>>I don't care if she is cheating or not she's gone and I think the abandonment hurts worse than any act of infidelity could. I've been through the whole we are separated so it doesn't count days early in our relationship...so I speak from experiance. When I tried early in our seperation to promise change and suggested counseling it was met with anger and got me no where.<<

Anytime you appeal logically, you aren't communicating with women. The appeal has to be emotional in nature. And, it has to come from them.

>>Now that I have stopped chasing and turned my attention towards accepting my fate and working on myself and developing a life with out her in it. She wants to accuse me of pushing her away every conversation with her brings a comment about my attitude, or how I'm pissy today, or how I always make her feel like ****.<<

Sounds like you are talking and explaining WAY too much. Is it really necessary to get her agreement to feel good about yourself? There are literally scores of women who will do this very same thing to you if you let them.

>>How can I do that when I hardly talk to you? She constantly tells me how she doesn't want me to hate her. Really are you kidding me here? What she wants is me to absolve her guilt. To say no I don't hate you I deserve this please give me more of it. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.<<

Sounds like you are both competing for victim status.

That leads nowhere.

Read this link and tell me what you think of it.

An Overview of the Drama Triangle

 

[Dewayne76]

I won't comment much, conrad saying you're on wrong track threw me. Maybe I didn't get the story?

Bro, I'm sorry you're here. I really am. I've never had pain like this before. We're all here for you. Let me say, if you don't get responses like you want, just keep posting, make a new thread. It's hard to keep up with everyone's lives, but we ARE here to help you through this time. We're now a... well family of sort.

I truly hope things get better. I can't imagine your situation, job forcing you to be an absentee. Kinda one reason I'm scared to get a job. My wife and I started a Haunted House.. because of her and her cheating and leaving, 2 months till we opened!!... it's now gone to he11. We have NOTHING. Instead of getting the projected minimum of 2,400 people, we got 800!! NO MONEY! And season is over. Everything's in her name and I have a few bills but I'm gonna be ok I think.

Just keep your head up high and think of those kids man! Do whatever you can for your kids. They're suffering too! Remember that. And don't let ANYONE talk to you like you're trying to "win them over" by doing things for them. That's b/s and you know it.

Good luck.

 

[IsleofBing]

Thank you Conrad for the link. It was a real eye opener for me.. Your right I am trying to play the victim in this and nots not what I want. Thinking back on my marriage had I know what i learned from that article then I probaly would not be here with you guys today. I puts alot of her complaints over the years in a whole new light. Dewayne thank you for the support man I wish the best to you and your situation. It's been really hard for me today knowing that im going home to an empty house for the next couple of days. I miss my kids terrible and it hasn't even been 8 hours since I dropped them off with her aunt. My wife has only called me once today (which I ignored) but she has called my Sister in law about me a couple of times. She keeps telling my sister that nomatter what I think she's not divorcing me to date other guys. Maybe sometime in the future but she's not planning on it. I have alot of workto do on myself. Thank you guys for your advice and understanding.

 

[Conrad]

Isle,

I appreciate your open outlook.

Check this out. Read all the links.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html

 

[IsleofBing]

So my stbxf asked if I was done fighting for her. I'm at a loss for how to to answer her. I mean I want to fight for her and our marriage but do I tell her that or tell her yes I'm done?

 

[Conrad]

So my stbxf asked if I was done fighting for her. I'm at a loss for how to to answer her. I mean I want to fight for her and our marriage but do I tell her that or tell her yes I'm done?

What is it you want?

 

[IsleofBing]

I want to fight for our marriage. I feel like we encounter walls in life to test how bad we truly want something. Life is difficult but its worth it. So I guess I should tell her that shes worth fighting for.

 

[Conrad]

I want to fight for our marriage. I feel like we encounter walls in life to test how bad we truly want something. Life is difficult but its worth it. So I guess I should tell her that shes worth fighting for.

"I'm completely ready to fight for the relationship, but I'm not ok with how I've been treated"

 

[IsleofBing]

"I'm completely ready to fight for the relationship, but I'm not ok with how I've been treated"

Ok...and if she responds "and how have you been treated badly?" How do I keep it from spiraling into a victim session while sticking to my guns?

 

[Conrad]

Ok...and if she responds "and how have you been treated badly?" How do I keep it from spiraling into a victim session while sticking to my guns?

"I'm not ok with a request for space that morphs into a demand for divorce in 2 days"

 

[IsleofBing]

she responded :

"Truthfully I don't want you to fight. I want you to let go."

"Well I'm sorry. I want a divorce. I am not in love with you anymore and I have zero desire to be your wife again."

Any ideas?

 

[Conrad]

she responded :

"Truthfully I don't want you to fight. I want you to let go."

"Well I'm sorry. I want a divorce. I am not in love with you anymore and I have zero desire to be your wife again."

Any ideas?

"I'm not ok paying for a divorce I don't want"

 

[IsleofBing]

Thank you conrad. Ive found it really hard to gather my wits and words lately so your advice and insight is greatly appreciated.

 

[IsleofBing]

Its driving my wife crazy that I am as cool and unemotional about what she says and feels. (very hard to pull off sometimes). I have stopped communicating unless its about my kids. I doing my best to start establishing boundaries. However in the past week she has called me daily at least 6-8 times. If I dont answer quick enough to her she starts calling my family and Boss to probe about me. Boss and her had a 2 hr confab about my paycheck and all the things I have not paid on. Boundaries defintely need boundaries.

 

[Conrad]

Its driving my wife crazy that I am as cool and unemotional about what she says and feels. (very hard to pull off sometimes). I have stopped communicating unless its about my kids. I doing my best to start establishing boundaries. However in the past week she has called me daily at least 6-8 times. If I dont answer quick enough to her she starts calling my family and Boss to probe about me. Boss and her had a 2 hr confab about my paycheck and all the things I have not paid on. Boundaries defintely need boundaries.

"I'm not ok with you contacting my workplace. We both depend on my continued employment"