Is your success due to compatibility?

5924 Views 23 Replies 19 Participants Last post by bbird1, Aug 27, 2013

hehasmyheart

Discussion Starter · Nov 7, 2012

I've been in a rough marriage for 17 years. He and I are extremely incompatible, night and day different.

So, I'm going to ask the happily married couples what they think. I think their has to be a good foundation of compatibility. What are some of your big similarities, and what are some differences you had to work through?

My other thinking on the happily married is that they might both be very flexible type people to begin with. My husband is shallow and close-minded, so he has trouble meeting in the middle.

What is your take on this, from the perspective of marriage success?

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lilith23

· #2 · Nov 8, 2012

I can't say that our relationship is perfect (together for almost 7 years, married this year). I do think that we are compatible (it's fun when you realize the "hidden" similarities you share with each other, and how you might complement each other in some subtle ways), but we have our own share of issues, specially after started living together since last year. We started arguing a lot, since we were having more responsibilities and stress. Also, some incompatibilities caused some past issues that caused negative feelings to accumulate too.

But we have been improving, both of us. We feel strong affection for each other, and are willing to solve the differences. Some past hurts did leave scars, but they would not really matter anymore, us being together and our good times matters more now. We are two individuals and evolving together, and we are solving the issues together coz of our affection and love.

Maybe on a simple way to put it, you do need a minimum compatibility - but then the willingness to solve issues together is also a big deal, as well as maturity (not making a big deal of what actually doesn't really matter, while acknowledging why something would matter a lot, or at least in the moment).

But just an advice, when anyone of you is hot headed and is feeling the heat of the moment, it's better to just not think much about the issues. Decisions and analysis of the relationship is best done when you're cold headed, since everything often seems much worse when we are hot headed.

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Mavash.

· #3 · Nov 8, 2012

Married 21 years and honestly I think my success has more to do with sexual chemistry and a deep love/commitment than anything else.

Everything else can be learned or managed. However it takes BOTH spouses willing to work on that everything else or it won't work.

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missymrs80

· #4 · Nov 8, 2012

My husband and i are very different in so many ways. Oir hobbies and interests are totally different. BUT our core values are the same.

All couples have complementary traits. Attraction to another person occurs bc of that very reason. It keeps the tension in the relationship going...The push & pull....that is necessary to keep two people engaged in one another.

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heavensangel

· #5 · Nov 8, 2012

We've been together 19 yrs/married 16+. We have a ton of common interests, hobbies, etc. Matter of fact, we're so attuned to each other, we finish each others sentences or will say out loud what the other was just thinking. This happens all the time! I tell him to get out of my head! Lol. I can't really think of anything he or I do/would like to do that the other wouldn't. Now there are somethings he does (home projects, skeet shooting, etc.) where I'm available to help or cheer him on but I think that's about it. Everything else we do together, even yard work - I'm his personal 'beer girl' for that one. Lol!

Where we're opposites - He likes spicy hot foods/sauces/peppers - the hotter the better; the hottest thing I can stand is a mild banana pepper. He likes luke -warm showers and I like hot steamy ones - this one we compromise on since we take all our showers together. I'm sure after 19 years there may be more small things we're different on but not really any of significance.

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Cosmos

· #6 · Nov 8, 2012

My partner and I aren't married, nor have we been together all that long in the scheme of things (2.5 years), but I would say that our relationship works because we have similar values and interests. Whilst we're very similar in many respects, we're also very dissimilar in others, and this seems to have the effect of us each complementing one another.

Coffee Amore

· #7 · Nov 8, 2012

hehasmyheart said:
I've been in a rough marriage for 17 years. He and I are extremely incompatible, night and day different.

So, I'm going to ask the happily married couples what they think. I think their has to be a good foundation of compatibility. What are some of your big similarities, and what are some differences you had to work through?

My other thinking on the happily married is that they might both be very flexible type people to begin with. My husband is shallow and close-minded, so he has trouble meeting in the middle.

What is your take on this, from the perspective of marriage success?

Compatibility in the things that are important to both of us is a huge reason we've been together (including exclusive dating and marriage) for over 20 years. I haven't met anyone else who "gets" me the way he does. We have similar personalities. I think the same adjectives his family and colleagues would use to describe him could be used to describe me as well. We share identical political and religious beliefs, family values, parenting styles, likes and dislikes. We can pick any topic then run with it. To this day, I can have the best fun doing nothing but talking to him. I don't get bored of talking to him because he can be so intellectually stimulating. Our sense of humor is the same. The man I dated before I met my husband just didn't get my sense of dry humor. I would make a joke about something then get a blank look from him. It was such a letdown. Humor is a big thing for me. I need someone who won't take life too seriously, someone who can defuse a tense situation with a lighthearted comment. My husband and I can both do that. Believe me we have a lot of stress in our lives!

We do a lot of things together when time permits. I have plenty of "me" time with my girlfriends, but honestly I would rather spend time with him than with them. Does that sound sappy or what?

But there are key differences in our personalities and habits. Those differences keep life interesting. You can't be identical or life gets very predictable. We've had to reach compromises in the areas where we differ. For example, he's a morning owl, a neat freak, very organized and punctual. I'm not any of those things, but I am a lot better about them than I used to be. He in turn has compromised on other issues that are important to me. The key is to pick your battles. Not everything is important. Sometimes it's better to let things go and not try to be right because being happy is better.

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SimplyAmorous

· #8 · Nov 9, 2012 (Edited)

hehasmyheart said:
So, I'm going to ask the happily married couples what they think. I think their has to be a good foundation of compatibility. What are some of your big similarities, and what are some differences you had to work through?

I'll be the 1st to admit, I'm not the easiest woman to please, there are many things that would annoy me in some men... (and I would annoy them as well !)....although I consider myself pretty reasonable...my expectations are rather high.... I just know it wouldn't fare well if I was matched with a man that I bonked heads with....(example...someone irresponsible /reckless behavior of any sort/ couldn't count on "his word" / wasted $$ he didn't have/ a Boozer/ a partier/ a sports fanatic/ any amount of lying / passive aggressiveness / a workaholic/ a man who loved the city/ overly religious/ too jealous - insecure/ etc etc

A relationship with someone like that & me would go like this>>

...along with ....

I do attribute OUR happiness #1 to Compatibilty..... I've never looked at our marriage as "WORK".... my husband hasn't either...though he did want more sex back in the day.... and stuffed his feelings (our biggest blunder was not talking about our sexual desires :slap

...and I was grouchy during yrs of infertility - our love remained intact- neither of us ever looking over a fence.

Sure we had fights ....(a little conflict is healthy!)....but we're both the type that is utterly miserable until we've made up -so we make up quickly - not allowing the sun to go down on our anger.

When me & mine were dating, I'd write him many love letters -picking his brain... while guys normally aim to get into a girls pants, my husband wasn't this type, he genuinely cared about me. I always had a thing for the introverted boys...(I know how odd this is !)... I guess for me, I saw a challenge to dig under that shyness & get to their

's, what drives them.

We found we wanted the same things in life.....early on ~ and he was my 1st REAL boyfriend too (met him at 15).

********************************************************************

1. We both thrived on being together (TIME is at the top of our Love Languages...and Touch ~ hit the jackpot there

...even though we knew nothing about these Love Languages back then)

2. We quickly became each others best friend - so important to both of us - we shared EVERYTHING with each other, an open vulnerability early on...and a "willing" transparency.

3. We both had similar morals, I wanted to wait till marriage for intercourse, he was the type that respected me for this, never pushed. We still had other fun!

4. We both wanted a "family" - had Traditional views...He the breadwinner, while I stay home with the kids -so long as we could swing it financially...we both welcomed the chaos of this lifestyle, love to take family vacations, offer our kids wonderful memories.

5. We both wanted to live in the country/ was our dream to get some acreage / privacy.

6. We're both frugal / Savers....neither caring about climbing any ladders of success, more a simple Lifestyle so long as we could pay our own way & have $$ to fall back on.

7. We're both the Homebody type... snuggling up to a movie, having a bonfire in our back yard with friends, this is heaven.

8. We're both "Hopeless Romantics" .. we like it mushy /gushy & sappy -if that is how one feels, we are touched when the other expresses it.

9. We're both kinda deviously sarcastic, we like to make fun of each other, alot of bantering in our household.

10. We both

Sex !

Here is where we are different... and in this way... we very much compliment each other.... Where he is more Passive by nature ~ I can be very assertive.... Where he is more Patient, me not so much....but he is that calm stabilizing breeze our family so appreciates in our lives.....

Whereas it is ME who offers more of the livliness... I can be a feisty one bringing a lot of entertaining banter / communication/ debate ... he often gets a charge out of this....he has told me he is attracted to "rougher" women (with a sensitive side - which I surely have)....he tells me I am his "Roller Derby Woman" with a

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I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

· #9 · Nov 9, 2012

I strongly believe so.

CharlieParker

· #10 · Nov 9, 2012

I've had a hard time with this one. Sure, we are compatibile, best friends, common interests, like the same foods... to easy. I'm not a words guy, I'm numbers, she exact opposite, so I looked up compatibility.

Compatibility: a state in which two things are able to exist or occur together without problems or conflict

I would have thought compatibility had more to do with a positive (harmony) rather than a lack of a negative (conflict).

Then below, each time I read this thread I get stuck on it..

hehasmyheart said:
My other thinking on the happily married is that they might both be very flexible type people to begin with. My husband is shallow and close-minded, so he has trouble meeting in the middle.

Not exactly the same thing but... We can both easily say "I'm sorry" and mean it. And as I'm currently still learning 20 years in, we are also able to fairly easily forgive.

SimplyAmorous

· #11 · Nov 9, 2012

CharlieParker said: I would have thought compatibility had more to do with a positive (harmony) rather than a lack of a negative (conflict).

I agree.....

I've always felt it is healthy to have some conflict now & then...I'd question a couple who "never fights" - if they are truly being forthright and honest with each other. True, 2 pleasing passive souls may put their own wants down more than the average in a relationship, but I would think this would hinder some of the PASSION in it as well.

is often born out of some overcome struggle.

In our past, my husbands passivity (to avoid conflict) was his downfall... all that did for me is build some "apathy" towards him... (which means - indifference, lack of interest) .... I didn't even realize it was happening - as I was happily wrapped up in our kids/ projects, etc... but looking back, I can see it.

Better to openly express your concerns, irritations - so a slow silent resentment doesn't spring......giving your spouse the opportunity to come closer /to acknowledge /to alleviate what is bothering us ...finding that common ground with each other - so happiness can flow once again.

...

Not exactly the same thing but... We can both easily say "I'm sorry" and mean it. And as I'm currently still learning 20 years in, we are also able to fairly easily forgive.

Would any of us survive without this ?

My husband feels one of the greatest reasons couples are divided & unhappy is...they would rather hang onto their pride than admit they are wrong.... He has always been quick to apologize & mean it from the heart. Love him for that. Although my roar may be louder & my anger rising quicker than his...depending....I am also quick to be humble of my own faults... this has helped us tremendously.

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Stonewall

· #12 · Nov 9, 2012

SimplyAmorous said:
I'll be the 1st to admit, I'm not the easiest woman to please, there are many things that would annoy me in some men... (and I would annoy them as well !)....although I consider myself pretty reasonable...my expectations are rather high.... I just know it wouldn't fare well if I was matched with a man that I bonked heads with....(example...someone irresponsible /reckless behavior of any sort/ couldn't count on "his word" / wasted $$ he didn't have/ a Boozer/ a partier/ a sports fanatic/ any amount of lying / passive aggressiveness / a workaholic/ a man who loved the city/ overly religious/ too jealous - insecure/ etc etc

A relationship with someone like that & me would go like this>>

...along with ....

I do attribute OUR happiness #1 to Compatibilty..... I've never looked at our marriage as "WORK".... my husband hasn't either...though he did want more sex back in the day.... and stuffed his feelings (our biggest blunder was not talking about our sexual desires :slap...and I was grouchy during yrs of infertility - our love remained intact- neither of us ever looking over a fence.

Sure we had fights ....(a little conflict is healthy!)....but we're both the type that is utterly miserable until we've made up -so we make up quickly - not allowing the sun to go down on our anger.

When me & mine were dating, I'd write him many love letters -picking his brain... while guys normally aim to get into a girls pants, my husband wasn't this type, he genuinely cared about me. I always had a thing for the introverted boys...(I know how odd this is !)... I guess for me, I saw a challenge to dig under that shyness & get to their

's, what drives them.

We found we wanted the same things in life.....early on ~ and he was my 1st REAL boyfriend too (met him at 15).

********************************************************************

1. We both thrived on being together (TIME is at the top of our Love Languages...and Touch ~ hit the jackpot there ...even though we knew nothing about these Love Languages back then)

2. We quickly became each others best friend - so important to both of us - we shared EVERYTHING with each other, an open vulnerability early on...and a "willing" transparency.

3. We both had similar morals, I wanted to wait till marriage for intercourse, he was the type that respected me for this, never pushed. We still had other fun!

4. We both wanted a "family" - had Traditional views...He the breadwinner, while I stay home with the kids -so long as we could swing it financially...we both welcomed the chaos of this lifestyle, love to take family vacations, offer our kids wonderful memories.

5. We both wanted to live in the country/ was our dream to get some acreage / privacy.

6. We're both frugal / Savers....neither caring about climbing any ladders of success, more a simple Lifestyle so long as we could pay our own way & have $$ to fall back on.

7. We're both the Homebody type... snuggling up to a movie, having a bonfire in our back yard with friends, this is heaven.

8. We're both "Hopeless Romantics" .. we like it mushy /gushy & sappy -if that is how one feels, we are touched when the other expresses it.

9. We're both kinda deviously sarcastic, we like to make fun of each other, alot of bantering in our household.

10. We both

Sex !

Here is where we are different... and in this way... we very much compliment each other.... Where he is more Passive by nature ~ I can be very assertive.... Where he is more Patient, me not so much....but he is that calm stabilizing breeze our family so appreciates in our lives.....

Whereas it is ME who offers more of the livliness... I can be a feisty one bringing a lot of entertaining banter / communication/ debate ... he often gets a charge out of this....he has told me he is attracted to "rougher" women (with a sensitive side - which I surely have)....he tells me I am his "Roller Derby Woman" with a

I would like to add one thing that SA forgot to mention. Since I married her twin I can speak with authority. She married a nice guy. That helped a lot!

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SimplyAmorous

· #13 · Nov 9, 2012

Stonewall said:
I would like to add one thing that SA forgot to mention. Since I married her twin I can speak with authority. She married a nice guy. That helped a lot!

You guys are the Best ~ probably the only ones who could put up with us too - ha ha

~ but you do it with such a Thankful

.

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I'mAllIn

· #14 · Nov 11, 2012

My H and I have been married for 22 years, and I credit that to a good balance of compatiblity where it matters, and opposite personalities to add fun and keep each other on our toes.
We learned very quickly that we had common ideas about commitment, having a family, where we wanted to live, what kinds of things we thought were worth spending money on and what we thought wasn't, etc. On the other hand, the opposites in our personality made each of us better. We joke that if we were both as laid back and quiet as he is we'd die of boredom, and if we were both as spontaneous and spastic as I am we'd die of exhaustion. Together we make a great pair.
I think, though, that a couple of big keys were marrying someone that neither of us wanted to change already and that we had been completely honest with while dating.

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SimplyAmorous

· #15 · Nov 12, 2012

I'mAllIn said:
My H and I have been married for 22 years, and I credit that to a good balance of compatiblity where it matters, and opposite personalities to add fun and keep each other on our toes.
We learned very quickly that we had common ideas about commitment, having a family, where we wanted to live, what kinds of things we thought were worth spending money on and what we thought wasn't, etc. On the other hand, the opposites in our personality made each of us better. We joke that if we were both as laid back and quiet as he is we'd die of boredom, and if we were both as spontaneous and spastic as I am we'd die of exhaustion. Together we make a great pair.
I think, though, that a couple of big keys were marrying someone that neither of us wanted to change already and that we had been completely honest with while dating.

I could have uttered every word of this I'mAllIn ~~ but it's 23 yrs for us.

It's funny, my husband is Mr Laid Back....I've joked a # of times with him.... had he married a woman like himself, It would be very uneventful... TOOO CALMMMMM .... and had I married another like myself, although I think the bedroom would be HOT , I feel we'd burn the rest of the house down with it !

He's got this newer co -worker, just as Laid Back & easy going as him....and he seems happily married.... I told him to ask what his wife is like, Just curious to hear if another couple like us.... and sure enough... he comes home today and told me his co-worker called his wife a "Ball of FIRE". I just laughed.

I like to say..... we both admire the differences in each other (wishing we had such grace in those attributes ourselves).....so when we come together, so long as we WORK TOGETHER - respecting each other / helping each other.... we make one heck of a team / that glorious "whole".

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Caribbean Man

· #16 · Nov 14, 2012

Is our success due to compatibility?
No.Not in our case.

Been married 17 yrs, known each other for much more.
Different races, different cultural background, different educational level, almost everything was different.
The only thing we had in common was that we genuinely loved each
other , and wanted to make each other happy.
Everything else just fell into place after that.
Over the years we got to understand each other much deeper, and then we became much more compatible.
To me it was like learning to speak a beautiful, new foreign language.

NB: I am not recommending this for anybody. It was just my crazy way of doing things and it worked.

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farthanperfect

· #17 · Aug 7, 2013

Maybe you just cant see the forest for the trees? I think some people get so focus on seeing the bad that they stop looking for the good. Sometimes you will have distractions in the way that you need to get past to see the little things that you and your spouse may have in common.

argyle

· #18 · Aug 8, 2013

...I wouldn't call our marriage successful.

...and we're pretty different. In difficult ways.

...but...persistence and flexibility account for what success we've had. Nearly any marriage can work if the operating attitude is: 'Okay, how can we make this work?'

--Argyle

Faiora

· #19 · Aug 9, 2013

I actually would take a reversed view to a few of you:

a) I think compatibility does imply a lack of negatives, rather than the existence of positives.

Compatibility applies to all relationships, including friendships, and a relationship will be less volatile if it's mostly neutral (without negatives, but not necessarily with positives) than if it's bipolar in nature (lots of positives, but potentially lots of negatives as well).

A neutral environment allows for a slower growth in love or friendship, and a more stable relationship overall. It allows both people to coexist in harmony.

b) I think that you've hit it on the head by referring to a willingness to change/bend/compromise, and to take an open- rather than narrow-minded view when approaching potential conflicts in a relationship.

If you can't be accommodating towards your partner's differences - and there WILL be differences, even if they are few and small - then you will either find yourself in a conflict that can't be resolved, or you will have no respect at all for your spouse when they bow to your every whim regarding every matter.

If there isn't give-and-take, it isn't a relationship. It's abuse.

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hambone

· #20 · Aug 9, 2013

hehasmyheart said:
I've been in a rough marriage for 17 years. He and I are extremely incompatible, night and day different.

So, I'm going to ask the happily married couples what they think. I think their has to be a good foundation of compatibility. What are some of your big similarities, and what are some differences you had to work through?

My other thinking on the happily married is that they might both be very flexible type people to begin with. My husband is shallow and close-minded, so he has trouble meeting in the middle.

What is your take on this, from the perspective of marriage success?

MY wife and I have a great marriage. We don't have to work at it every day... We've never had to work at it..

And I attribute that to two things.

First, we don't have any areas of incompatibility. We agree on politics, religion, finances, spending, raising children, sex, etc. etc. etc.

Second, we like each other.. Not only do we love each other... we like each other. I have never felt like I wanted a little time away from my wife.

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