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Is this wife material?

4129 Views 31 Replies 24 Participants Last post by  JCD, 
T
So, I am pretty young and I have been really sick and hurt by the past. I really want this girl to be me wife, but the past hurts, ill explain everything in a second. I understand I have a lot of time to gain her trust back or to see if she's not wife material. I understand that this is just childish, but I am thinking of my future with this girl, and I dont want to have kids with someone that will betray me and my kids and destroy my life and our kids life.

Anyways here's the full story.
So we were together for about 3-4ish years, girlfriend for 7 months so far. She cheated on her ex with me for a year, and I told her repeatedly to dump him for me, and she said no because she doesnt want to hurt him, but she still wants to be with me and one day id get a chance. AND I WAS SO INTO THIS GIRL!! anyways later on she said im desperate for about 1-2ish months, so I went out and got a girlfriend for just a week because I was so hurt by her. And we drew apart, but grew back together and got together. Over this course she dumped him a few times, and I thought that was it, later to find out she got back together, but then came the last time eventually So when we got together, *When I brought up the desperate thing, she said she was "testing me"* to tell you the truth I thought that was total bull****, but i believed her. Going on it was her ex's birthday in just less than a month, so she went bowling with her brother, her ex and her ex's friend. I was upset that she didn't take me, but okay. And so they took pictures and with hearts on food and all... And posted it on facebook. I was upset even more. Then she said she still has left over feelings for him and when they were bowling they were acting as a couple calling each other names and such. I was hurt, but I was happy she told me. She also told me she wont do anything with him because she wants me not him. So yeah, they hung out again later on, blah blah blah. I know nothing happened, I trust her on that. Just wanted to say the whole story about this kid.

Then the real cheating. *I guess* So this kid she hugged him every time and all and one day I came to her house, she told me he kissed her. She didnt see it coming *Supossedly!* and yeah I threatened to leave her, I almost did, she held me back and cried it out I made her tell me the story. Eventually I got her password for fb and she erased the msgs btwn her and him, I still found them and when he asked her "Do you like me more than a friend?" she replied with a yes, and also later days she said "I love you to him" and everything" and she said something about him having a gf and I read something the guy wrote "But I kissed you like 10 times!" And i confronted her about this she got really mad and her excuse was he is sarcastic a lot. Then asked her for the story again and after a million no's she said it and it didnt match up to the last story her excuse "It was a long time ago" she cried it out again, and I believed her...

Next story, ill keep it short, getting tired. My friend started talking to her. and she said shell joke around with him, I said fine, but no phone number exchange. So I saw they flirted, So I was ok, and at the bottom BOOM HER ****ING PHONE NUMBER! I *****ed her out and she said all they did is normal talking. one day she said "Omg he said where shud we start from a few kisses" or so.. and she told me she said NO. in her msgs she said "Mabe" I was pissed as **** and all, so I *****ed this dude out, and her excuse was "Mabe means no, as her other ex said" No, **** no. thats not an excuse..So then i talked to my friend and said yeah, she doesnt know what shes doing and all shes dumb for even playing you. She made me tell him that it was his fault later, really pissed here.

So not long ago we agreed to skype, but she said she cant shes talking to a friend someone from another country. I was ok, w/e. Next day, look thru her calls, matched up times facebook msgs, texts, and found out she talked to her EX for 50 minutes, I was like really? You ditched me for your ex? "btw she wasnt supposed to talk to him, we made a deal that she wouldnt talk to him." Her excuse was "phone glitched" BuLL ****ING ****! and I asked then why isnt the girl on the ****ing list? Excuse: She is getting a new phone soon, she called thru a card and told me to delete the phone number. BULL ****ING ****! After a bunch of crying... I believed her,,, ONCE AGAIN!

And some minor details. She still has some contact with this EX cause she needs to for school, but when I tell her she cant ask him she gets mad. Also she another guy kissed her, family friend, they dated before, and it was completely her fault as she let him slap her ass and all "I couldnt do anything about it, I told her many times to tell him to stop, she told me she did, but she called me accidentally and I heard something slap something which she confessed to later..." And again she still needs some contact with him because of school...

SO far it has been about 1-2months since she didnt make a mistake...


What should I do? Is She any good for my future? Should I wait and see? Opinions?

Please help :( I dont want to be hurt anymore.

Im 18 as of now.
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A
At 18, you're still very young. And so is your girlfriend(?).

From what you have written, you have not yet established any standards and boundaries for yourself. And you need to also establish a higher standard and boundaries your girlfriend or wife should have or that you are willing to accept.

Give yourself more time. You need it to mature.
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AngryandUsed
Aug has said it well.

Give yourself time, settle in life. At 18, you are too young to think about your wife.

As far as your GF is concerned, she is immature and has boundaries issues.

So keep focus on your education, future. Thoughts about wife, marriage etc, - come later.
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Dollystanford
don't be looking for 'wife' material at 18

you both have an awful lot of growing up to do first
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F-102
Is she wife material?

Umm...HELL F*CKING NO!
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T
You are way to young to be worrying and caring like this.... First off, like any 18 year olds, you're both very immature. So to answer your question, no, she isn't. She may grow up and stop playing all these games,... by the way, she is playing you and you seem to keep letting her do this to you. The girl certainly has been able to get away with a whole lot of deceitful activities.

When I was 18 I had no desire to be with just one girl let alone thinking about marrying anyone.... The best is yet to come my friend, don't waste these years on her, go have fun.
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BjornFree
You need to look for tight material at your age :) Have fun lad. Relationships can come later in life.
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B
You sound like you are exactly where I was 13 short years ago. Be very carefull .... Read Newbie needs advice in the coping with infidelity section. Id wait to get married until you find a woman you can trust . At 18 I had no idea what I was in for, DONT GET HER PREGNANT !!!!
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JCD
So...

she cheated on her Ex with you for a year (but she was REALLY into you)

She kissed another guy once...or twice...or ten times. She, of course, lied about it.

She went on a double date with YOUR friend (WTF!) and her ex...and flirted with him. Actually, weren't there THREE guys there?

She's offering kisses to your FRIEND (note: dump the friend)

And she's allowing a relative to slap her on the rear constantly. You know who can slap a person on the rear? The guy standing RIGHT NEXT TO HER. So she's not exactly creating 'personal space' here.

She is playing Snookie on the Jersey Shore, thinking that this drama and playing the field is her due and normal.

So far, you are believing every lie, evasion and rationalization you are being fed.

I wouldn't worry about her. I'd worry about YOUR judgement.

She's hawt. You want to be or like being in her pants. So you seem to believe that this is worth your self respect. Your one issue (that she's spreading her pollen all over town) you want to fix with a wedding ring, thinking this is some modern form of chastity belt.

Sorry. She will continue to play you. You will keep eating it up because you don't want to change the status quo.

So my suggestion to you is to unilaterally dump her in private (do it at her place so you can just leave and to protect her dignity if she has any). Do not contact her at all. Concentrate on your studies or your job.

See what else is waiting in the wings. I'm betting there are about 15 other girls out there who will be quite happy you two are broken up. Now they may or may not be as hawt as this tramp (oops...can I say tramp?) but I'm betting they may understand boundaries a little better.
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M
No she's not wife material.
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Remains
The answers to the questions you are asking are self evident. Yes she is a cheater, don't think that a person can change a cheater, they can't. And they certainly won't EVER change for someone who has accepted their cheating. NEVER. Don't fool yourself.

And as a poster above says, more worrying than her is your acceptance of her actions. That is a serious issue of yours that needs to be addressed. If not, you are destined to be walked over and trampled on by any girlfriend you have in the future.

Finally, the best thing to do while young is have many girlfriends (not at the same time!) over a few years, and then you have an idea of the kind of person you want and the kind of traits you don't want. And then when you are looking for a marriage partner, you have in your mind what is good and what is not. What will work for you and what won't.
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warlock07
Both of you aren't marriage material.
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S
Not only isn't she wife material - SHE ISN"T GIRLFRIEND material.

she lies, she lies, she lies, she ditches you to talk to other guys, she flirts, she goes on dates with them.

dude, even for a 18 year old she is a horrible girlfriend. So forget the wife idea, and even dump her as a gf.

This chick is an attention craving cheater. You can do so much better.
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W
Dollystanford said:
don't be looking for 'wife' material at 18

you both have an awful lot of growing up to do first
Click to expand...
:iagree:

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U
At 18, you need a wife like you need a lobotomy. She's not wife material (yet) and you aren't husband material (yet). Even if you waited until you were 30, you'll be dragging a plow for 60 years. This is the only time in your life that you're given to just live in your own skin and figure out who and what you are. You don't even know who you are yet. How could you possibly know which female life form would be a great match for you?
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T
Thanks, I know I have a lot ahead, and she is quite a bit younger than me. You did change my mind about her a little. I will stay with her, but next time this happens, if it does, I will get everything straight, and most likely dump her. I was going to propose at 18, but this forum changed my mind a little. I will see how things go with her if she doesnt do anything stupid anymore. any more opinions or support appreciated :)
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A
So, I am pretty young
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Wich become obvious because:
She cheated on her ex with me for a year, and I told her repeatedly to dump him for me
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Stop thinking about her. YOU are not marriage material, you were the intruder in that relationship, you willingly were the OM to another relationship.
Yeah, you are young. You still knows right from wrong. Start behaving like the man you want to be.
I went out and got a girlfriend for just a week because I was so hurt by her
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"So, I am pretty young" comes to mind.

Honestly, I stopped reading not becuase I have no respect for you or your issues but because the rest is right. It's not time to think about marriage. Before starting to think what acomplishments a potential partner have to possess start setting higher stardars for yourself. Become "marriage material". The golden rule is; commited woman are not a legal target. Period.

Up your own standars, adress your own behavior, then you can start adressing other's.
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J
Man, you have so much you need to be told.

First off, if a girl is acting like that when you two are dating, that means she'll act like that when you two are married. So you want to marry that and think she'll change?

Second, You are WAY to young to get married man!

Dude, you are 18. You should be going to college hopefully next year! You'll meet people in your classes. You may meet a girl 10x better than your current girlfriend (then again, with where the bar is set with your current girlfriend...) So would you want to be tied to her when you meet another GREAT girl?

Here are some red flags you should also be on the look out for when you look for MARRIAGE (not dating):
  • If they have cheated in the past: means they will cheat on you! Don't care what you say! And you may think "No, they love me." Well, let's make a bet. If you win, you have a happy marriage, but if you lose, you give that person half of everything you'll ever own.
  • If they have a horrible credit score and are drowning in debt, you may want to be careful. Are you a husband and lover to them? Or a safety net?
  • Do your long-term goals match? That is a big one!!! For example, let's say you don't want kids. But you are dating a girl that wants a big family with 4 kids. That won't be a marriage that last.

And here is some advice I got from a radio personality:
Never marry before the age of 25. That way, you are emotionally mature and grown up. Plus, you have already set yourself up in the world.
Never marry until you have acheived your dreams. I made sure to do this. I got my dream job, and I was happy! But I also wanted to own a business. So I got a few. And after a few years, (and working about 100 hours a week) I had achieved my dreams completely. And my girlfriend at the time was pacient, and understood my angle. And after I acheived my dreams, then the very next thing I did was ask her to marry me.
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turnera
thinkinboutfuture said:
She cheated on her ex with me for a year, and I told her repeatedly to dump him for me, and she said no because she doesnt want to hurt him, but she still wants to be with me and one day id get a chance.
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This is all that needs to be discussed.

You have so little self respect that you helped a girl cheat for a year AND you have so little self respect that you think that's all you can get for yourself - a cheater.

How about instead of having to have a girlfriend or wife, you just focus on accomplishing things for yourself and learn to like yourself? If you do that, you'll have girls dripping off of you because you'll be so confident.
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turnera
fwiw, I always told my DD22 that high school is for trying on guys to see what kind of guy is right for her. College is for considering getting serious but not jumping into it, as she's still not done maturing (your brain doesn't stop developing, maturing, until around age 25). Marriage is for when you're done with college and into a career. She followed this advice, unlike all her friends, and she's the only one now on target to graduate college. And she's too busy and too picky to date just any guy. He's got to be perfect and not have nearly as many flaws as your girlfriend has. She won't be bothered with someone like that. You can do better.
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