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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello all to anyone who is willing to read,

I fear that my marriage may be at the very end and not sure how it's possible to repair. I will try to be as abbreviated as possible, but a lot of details will probably create a better perspective:

(August 2009) My wife and I had been dating for 8 months and we decided to move in together. She was going to be going into a graduate program and I was going to be closer to work.

Before this was planned we had a conversation about our relationship and she had said she would not move in together unless she was proposed to. I was foolishly nonchalant about it, but had given some thought about it as possibility someday down the road.

Right before our move in, she had financial problems getting into the program and had to switch schools, meaning her commute had changed to nearly an hour rather than 10 min.

Several weeks after we started living together, she threatened to leave me if I didn't propose to her. Fearful of this, I proposed and we began to plan our wedding, originally slated to happen near her completion of the program.

(October 2009) in planning our wedding, she is upset over how much my mother is involving herself in wedding plans, she convinces me that we should have a small gathering with friends and elope.

After my wife puts subtle comments on Facebook, my family finds out about the eloping and becomes extremely angry. There is a huge fallout of communication between us and our family after several lengthy emails.

We elope and plan the celebration as planned.

(November 2009) We start to go to family therapists in hopes to figure out how we can handle the situation with my family.

(December 2009) After a very quick turnaround of planning, we hold the celebration. However, my wife becomes extremely upset over the behaviors of some of our friends and becomes very depressed on how some things played out with putting the thing together so quickly (cake, pictures, etc.) Subsequently there is also a fallout with several friends.

My wife becomes unhappy with the school in her graduate program and decides to drop out. She plans that she wants to apply out of state and go into another program. We have a big fight over this and my job. She ultimately decides to reassess her choices with school.

(January 2010) Because of the whole school thing and the way her family is so incredibly messed up, she decides that she wants to take legal custody of her two second cousins (This is a whole story in itself if you have to ask, basically there mother abandoned them).

I am very reluctant because I don't know the father's situation (he didn't want full custody) and how we could get money to help us out. My wife's father helps put the legal stuff together and she becomes a legal guardian. I don't comfortable doing that, so I do not sign any paperwork. I do have to give our dog away, because my wife worries that the dog can harm the children.

(February 2010) My wife wants to try to go back to school in some capacity. I cosign on a loan to give her a semester to figure things out and her school. We continue to go to therapy to handle my family situation.

(March 2010-May 2010) We slowly start to build a relationship again with my parents, albeit a cautious one. We occasionally help take care and do things with the children (they have to live with my wife's dad to finish school in their town, before moving in with us with us).

We have a falling out with more of my friends with they come to visit us.

The thing with her school does not work out and again drops out to reconsider her options. Our relationship is very rough considering the changes in everything. Ultimately, she gets so upset with me she says she wants to have a religious ceremony (we originally didn't get married in the church) to validate our relationship otherwise we should divorce. I said that we should divorce, but she gets so upset that I recant and say that I will try to make it work. She wants to do another get together but more family orientated. She reluctantly starts to trust my family and they plan to help and participate in the gathering.

(June 2010-August 2010) The children begin to live with us in our one bedroom apartment. We try to make the best of the situation. I do not handle it well and become more distant and upset with the whole situation.

My wife puts school aside in hopes to try to become a writer. We start putting together our ceremony. I do not handle the finances well and money starts to get out of hand. The father does not pay child support that we hoped to rely on. We try to put the ceremony together as best as we can with the help of both of our parents.

(September 2010-October 2010) The ceremony happens and it seemed to go okay, however there are things that occur that my wife is not happy about (people not taking it seriously enough, overshadowed by my brothers upcoming wedding, still felt my family had some control over it)

The older child starts private school near where we live but my wife is not happy with the curriculum and transfers her to another private school.

The money situation gets even worse, but I try to make it work. My wife wants to move into a bigger apartment for us. I don't think it's a good idea and talk to my parents about it, who agree. She completely blows up about me talking to them about it. We agree that I will take money out of my retirement so we can move.

(November 2010) We find a place to move to. We hire movers to get all the big items and I do all the rest of the stuff. My wife wants to stay at her dad's with the children while I finish moving all the rest of our stuff. It becomes a huge effort to get everything moved. My wife comes back before the place is finished and gets upset over my attitude on moving (being cheap in handling most of the stuff myself, not being happy about it).

She decides to stay at her dad's and again because of the unhappiness with the new school, she decides to pull the older child and homeschool her. She begins to have anxiety attacks and has to see her previous therapist. She says I have to see a therapist also to correct our problems and my attitudes.

(December 2010-January 2011) We both continue to see therapists because she does not want to move back in with me. She says the anxiety attacks are caused by me and my attitudes to her. We try to make the best of holidays with me traveling to see her and trying to repair the relationship. In the process, we discuss how the money situation has gotten out of hand. We decide that I will give her my paycheck, and she will handle the budget and payments of anything. I have to take more money out of my retirement to pay off all of the debts I built up.

My therapy does not seem to make progress, so we go together to her therapist. We make some progress and she eventually agrees to come back home with the children. After a couple of weeks, again she thinks it is not working out because I am not being attentive to her needs and my attitudes to the situations.

(February 2011-Current) She stays with her dad, taking care of the children, trying to get her own career and hobbies off the ground. We continuously try to see each other, but it is increasingly difficult because of the amount of money I get out of the budget to travel back and forth. We continue to see her therapist together in hopes to make it work, but she see's little progress. I don't think she wants to divorce because she knows that it would show how much she failed to everybody. Right now she has put the ball in my court to try and make this work, particularly:

-We have not gone a honeymoon and a lot of our wedding and anniversary traditions have been broken or screwed, so she wants me to come up with a plan to fix those.

-She wants me to come up with a way to fix the fact that we do not have good pictures from any of our ceremonies (we did not have a professional photographer)

-She wants me to figure out a way to make her career as equally important as mine either through school or some other means.

-She wants us to move back near her dad once our lease is up, so he can help take care of the children. (We have no way to save for a regular babysitter),

I know I have probably left out a ton of layers to this story, if anybody actually cares, can flesh out more if there is something needed to be explained.

Right now I feel completely broken as I am sure she feels too. Part of me wants to really just be firm and give up on the whole thing, but I feel all the time that has been wasted in trying to make it work.

I do care and love her, I just have been very aloof and nonchalant in showing it. I admit I have not done well in relationships but this has just gone wrong on so many levels and I'm having a difficult time trying to make myself and her happy.

If I leave her, she will be left with nothing, but at the same time, if I stay I don't how to dig out of this hole that is so deep between us. I fear she has little trust and does not believe me because of the number of ways I have failed her and treated her. I feel I have to hide my self away in my apartment because she is so paranoid about me going out and cheating on her or doing something with friends or family and being jealous that I can do that, while she has to care for the children. (All of my friends and family still think we are living together).

Is there anyone who can shed some light on the situation or is really the end to it all?
 

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You aren't living your life if you are hiding in your apt because your wife gets jealous.
Does she have a valid reason to be jealous? Does she have a valid reason that she is worried that you might cheat?

It sounds like she expecting you to do a lot of changing and "fixing" things. It also sounds like she isn't happy in general, and she is trying to blame it all on you.

I would suggest counseling for you. Find a different one other than hers.
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Something is just not right with her. She sees to have a problem with relationships. There are fall outs between her and family, friends, and now you. Furthermore, she keeps changing schools herself--and also the children's schools. She seems unstable.

Part of you problem is clearly financial. Unfortunately, she isn't helping there either. The current living arrangement is making that problem even worse. Couldn't someone else in the family been a better choice to take guardianship over the young children? It seems there should have been a better option in the family than her.....i.e. someone older and more established.

One thing is for certain. You aren't getting the marriage fixed with the current situation. Perhaps my divorce attorney's advice is relevant in your case. It's time to tell your wife to move back in the apartment with you, go to marriage counseling and really begin working on the marriage. Or, you will be filing for divorce..... unless you actually like all of the chaos in your life.

Wish you well with this dilemma.
 

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YOU are working very hard on a relationship that sounds like your needs and wants are not being met. What type of communication do you and your wife maintain? It seems like she make a lot of decision without considering you...and you seem to pay the lion share of her weems. You need to be strong and take charge as it appears you are the best on to do it.
 

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My concern here is that it seems most of the major decisions you have made are because you let her force the issue. Have you thought at all about what you want?
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Thank you all for your thoughts:

-Deliquent:

The reason she is probably jealous is because of an incident that happened last year.

At one point some of my friends that couldn't make it to out to our wedding came to visit and hang out with us. They wanted to do all sorts of things but they were very unorganized about it. They also wanted to spend exclusive time with me and not with my wife. She was extremely upset about that and we had to dodge them the rest of the weekend. Then we wrote an email about the situation to them. They basically flat out told me they didn't like my wife and they just wanted to be with me. My wife was really mad and upset and said we need to cut off contact with them.

I was really distraught (these were friends I had known since high school). I told this when I was seeing an individual therapist in December. She said I should try to contact and see if they still cared for me. I did and they were so happy to hear from me. One of them really wanted to have lunch with me because he was visiting family for the holidays so, I reluctantly agree to do that. My wife and I were separated at this point and I had no one to talk to about the whole thing.

Ultimately, my wife ended up finding out and this really made a dent in the whole situation. She completely lost a lot of faith in me at that point. I think that's the jealousy thing. Also, she thinks I am enjoying life without her on my own because I don't have to take care of the kids.

As far as changing, she keeps telling me that is what being married is about. Like when she wanted to apply out of state, she said if I cared I wouldn't make a big deal about having to change careers in order for us to move away. I have a good job and that makes decent money and she wanted me to completely abandon it and start over in a new career field. I just didn't know if that was a right thing to do.

I tried my own counseling and that didn't seem to help. The current counselor, I feel is doing the best job because she trusts him the most. (with everything we have gone through, this is acutally our fourth counselor)

827:

As mentioned before, her family is really messed up. Her parents got divorced years ago. But her mother does not work and hops from boyfriend to boyfriend, so she lived with my wife's father. (he is religious and is sympathetic to her).

One of her mom's nieces was the mother of the two children. She was helping raise them with their grandmother, but they were visiting often at my wife's dad's house. So, my wife before we moved in together, spent a lot of time taking care of both of them and developed a bond with them. Eventually the children's mother so just stepped out of the picture (I have no idea why). It was agreed between that my wife's mother would take charge of the children because she is like the family caretaker. But I believe it was because she can take advantage of my wife and her father in helping out the cause (again she had no money on her own).

Around the time, her whole school thing fell through, my wife thought her mother was doing a very poor job in caring for them, so she had social services come out to evaluate the situation. It was found that no one had guardianship of the children and they said something needs to be done with it otherwise they would be put into foster care. My wife got irate over the situation with her mother and wanted to take guardianship to help the situation, which is what happened.

So basically no one in my mother in laws family stepped in and objected to it or caused issue and. Nobody, except my wife cared to try to help out. It has been up to us and my father in law to basically help raise these children. As you can imagine, a lot of this drama has led to us not even associating with them. It's unfortunate because for us because no one even knew who the father of the younger child was, so we were only able to apply for child support with the older father. (of course he doesn't pay though). And of course, this whole thing has created horrible anxiety on the children and they are so clingy to my wife at this point. It has really become an unhealthy situation.

My wife has had problems with relationships in the past. She was in an abusive relationship years ago, which is why she is familiar with our current counselor.

hesnothappy:

We communicate regularly on the phone (Once or twice a day). Because of gas and work, I only can see her once a week, and occasionally a second day. We still do stuff with our families together, we basically try to hide out our situation from everyone else.

She does consider her me in her decisions. The problem is when I try to put my foot down, she just says that I am not compromising in our marriage. The reason I pay the lion's share is that we are marred and that is my responsibility. Do I just say no? Then it's not a marriage of compromise and support.

staircase:

The main thing I have at least attempted is try to make her happy. I assumed that doing all these things for her would make her happy. I think the issue I spend so much time trying to make others feel well, but I don't end up being happy. That is why I became distant and caused this separation. The thing I have been trying to work on is making me happy while making this work. It just seems there are a lot of roadblocks to it. Sometimes, I don't understand how we can both get what we want and still be content with each other. I fear my actions have only just be adding more stress than relief. I just want advice to take the steps to put us back on track.


Thank you all again for reading this.
 

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I rarely if ever say anything like this knowing only one side of the situation but I can't stop myself: you have let your wife lead you around by the nose in a completely horrifying way. She doesn't trust you because you wanted to see your friends??? Yes, my feelings would be hurt if my SO's friends didn't like me but come on, that's just nuts.

I hope you can find resolution one way or the other. You can't go on like this.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
But isn't marriage about being supportive. In this case, don't I have to be aware of my spouse's feelings rather than just my friends. She is part of my life now, right? At least, that's the perspective she's been trying to say. Our therapist even said that I have to mourn my past life and just move on, for the best of the marriage.

Her constant thing she talks about is that my priorities have to change now that I'm married. I have to be supportive in taking care of these children, and help her be supportive in her career and school choices. I have not been fully invested in that and it's lead to her unhappiness.

Look, I know this all just sounds like a sob story but what I'm really trying to figure out that despite everything, is there something I can do to regain her trust? What can I do make this situation better? Is this not worth to try to salvage?
 

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hi again. I really don't want to upset you, so I will gladly not post in your thread if I am making you feel worse.

Based on what you have said, all you have been doing is running around in circles for your wife. Are you really asking what more you can do? Outside of carrying her around on a pillow, I really am not sure.

Rather than digging it out of your posts, answer me this: what specific compromises has your wife made for you?

Since you love her, there is always a reason to try. My fear based on your posts is you won't ever be able to do enough. The more you do, the more she seems to demand (not want, demand)
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
No, I appreciate any advice at all. It's just frustrating because I feel there are some people that think different things and I have a hard time who to believe anymore.

The main compromise that my wife always brings up in her defense is that she gave up her school and career for mine because I didn't want to move and try to find a new job. She thought I was stubborn in not being supportive in her dreams and that I could have worked in another industry until she finished school. She claims that this was her plan all along and that she mentioned it to before we got married on how she wanted to get a Phd.

The problem I had with that argument is that she was going to do a whole graduate study program when we first moved in and when she transferred. So it caught me a little off guard when she wanted to completely revise her plan all of a sudden.

I guess she also compromises by also doing things with my family. She really doesn't like them and how they act, but she deals with it because you have to be a part of each other's families to some extent.

Depending on how you look it, She also compromised with me not taking full responsibility of the children.

There may be a couple more little things, but those are the biggest that seem to be the sticking point.
 

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No offense, but I can see why your friends didn't like her.
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njpca I would smack you upside the head if you were here and I say that in the nicest way possible.

She compromises by spending time with your family? You cannot be serious.

The school thing bothers me. It sounds like she is upset you didn't let her do exactly what she wanted you to do.

In short, her definition of compromise seems to be "do exactly what I want you to do" and anything else is you being unyielding. I feel for those kids, but I am on the fence with this one. They are kids and deserve all we can give them, but she seems to have went off and made that decision on her own.

With all of that said, back to the head smack. You have allowed yourself to be in this situation. I think the light bulb is going to go off in your head soon and you'll be all "what in the h'll am I doing??"
 

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Well, I'm going to but in here because I see some problems. Also, you may want to read some of the "man up" threads on this forum.


But isn't marriage about being supportive? She is part of my life now, right?
But, she is living separately from you by HER choice. That's not being supportive. There again, until she moves back in with you and really begins working on the marriage, how is she being supportive and a part of your life?

Our therapist even said that I have to mourn my past life and just move on, for the best of the marriage.
Marriage? You are living separate lives. So basically your wife is to lock you away and control your access to others who are also a part of your life? You may want to find another therapist.





The main compromise that my wife always brings up in her defense is that she gave up her school and career for mine because I didn't want to move and try to find a new job. She thought I was stubborn in not being supportive in her dreams and that I could have worked in another industry until she finished school. She claims that this was her plan all along and that she mentioned it to before we got married on how she wanted to get a Phd.

The problem I had with that argument is that she was going to do a whole graduate study program when we first moved in and when she transferred. So it caught me a little off guard when she wanted to completely revise her plan all of a sudden.
I fail to see how you are being unsupported. She simply can't stick with anything. Didn't she even get a student loan only to drop out? She is the one who is saddling you with so many financial burdens that it is narrowing the options.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
staircase:

She really has a completely different perspective of how family is and how she was raised. She believes that my family suffers as "immeshed" where they want to be involved in everything in our lives. That is one reason we had problems so long ago and started family therapy.

Between her and our therapist, it is has been explained that there is our own family dynamic first before other family.

In trying to make this work, we compromised that one month was spending a day with her family and the next month would be with mine. Holidays are such a battle though, because she prefers to avoid spending them with family.

I may have been strong with saying she doesn't like my family, but just the dynamics of how family and relatives work.

As for the kids, I think her way of thinking was that we could give them a chance to give them a good life. I think she thought it was just going to be simple transistion. It's not easy when the father still wants to be involved, when we didn't have the money prepared for such a change. The children had been passed around so much, that my wife wanted to create some stability. The err in judgement for both us I think is that it would just work itself out, but unfortunately that was not the case. It's hard to even say how stable these children are not in the current situation. I admit it's been so hard for me to adjust to having instant children, having never met them before she took custody of them.

827:

The main reason we has to live separately is a health issue. Before she left, she had serious anxiety attacks that led her to not function properly. She says that because of how I act and my attitude, this creates her anxiety.

I think the therapist has to walk a fine line. He cannot just tell her to come back to make it work and allow her anxiety to return. He knows more about her mental health based off her previous relationships. I'm sure his measure of thinking is that if we can get our relationship on the right track, then maybe we can explore the friend issues later after we have worked out our own problems.

I agree that she can't stick with anything. It seems that as soon as I took her off track of school, she tried so hard to bring some of that back and figure out what she had to do next. But every choice she made, made it harder to make that happen. She also did this several times before I even met her, changing her goals and school plans from previous bad job experiences. I have just accepted that this is the way she operates. The problem is I don't how to get her back on track. She is obviously looking to me to show some support in her choices, but I am not even sure how I can do that. And she won't even think that until I actually fix the problems between us first.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Also, I don't know if this is causing confusion, we are not actually legally separated. She just decided to take a bunch of things and stay at her dad's.

A majority of her and the children's stuff is here at our apartment. and she doesn't even like saying that we are living separately, she prefers to say she is staying at her dad's until things can get better
 

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Dude she is messing with you big time. It is not your fault she has dropped out of school several times.. it is not your fault that you told her you didn't want to raise someone elses kids and she adopted them anyways...everything you say she is blaming you for is a situation she created on her own. I am a married once and for life person but this woman is abusing you plain and simple and if your councilor really is pinning this stuff on you like family life and old friends then she is playing him to which means she is a at the very least a sociopath who can project what others want to see.

Look I want to know my wife's freinds. I want to know that they are people that respect myself, my wife, and my marriage after that if she wants to go hang out with friend x all day tha is fine by me she is allowed to have a life. Your wife takes ball and chain way to literaly and unless you cut that chain your going to find your self drowning when she throws your ass into the ocean.
 

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Also, I don't know if this is causing confusion, we are not actually legally separated. She just decided to take a bunch of things and stay at her dad's.

A majority of her and the children's stuff is here at our apartment. and she doesn't even like saying that we are living separately, she prefers to say she is staying at her dad's until things can get better
There's no confusion whatsoever from where I sit. It doesn't matter if the separation is legal or not. I've been separated three years--my state has no "legal" separation. Separation is separation!

You are being played! And in all honesty I can't see that those children have any stability in their lives now. It looks pretty unstable looking in from the outside.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
niceguy:

But if my friends don't like my wife, they don't respect her and our marriage, correct?

staircase:

She has anxiety and panic attacks because of her previous relationships. My behavior has brought out those same feelings of abuse in her previous relationships. It's not physical abuse, but it's emotional abuse. That is what I'm causing her. I can't blame her for how she feels. It just becomes more magnified because of her past. It's such a fine line I have had to waver. When I get upset and we argue about such things, it turns into emotional abuse to her/
 
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