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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
So I will preface this by saying I am not the paranoid type, but I noticed all the signs of serious MLC with my wife these days. She recently turned 40 and is dressing 15 years younger than she used to, reactivated her gym membership, increased libido etc... Hell I've done a bit of that too in my own way. But a seemingly harmless FB exchange I saw today has me freaked out now. Why the f**k is she all of a sudden reconnecting with bf's from high school on FB??? This is the exchange I saw today...

HIM
Belated happy b-day! I will always think of you as <maiden name>. Sarah found me on Facebook last year and now I'm reconnecting with long lost friends from hometown. Has there ever been a jr high reunion? If not we should do one. Do you live near xxx? I'm in yyy.

WIFE
I found you because (without sounding wierd) I think about you all the time! My son has a best friend who looks just like you when you were a kid, and my husband has a best friend that looks like you a lot as a man, lol. I don't see anyone from HS other than facebook but kept in touch w.... You look GREAT - quite the same , hope you are well , would love a reunion. SET IT UP! I'll come! :0) We live in xxx... not too far. Take care.

HIM
LOL! I totally understand. Some people from the past I think about much more than others for whatever reason. I always wonder who does the same but about me... Now I know at least one! I used to wonder what ever happened to you, Sarah....
BTW When I saw your picture I was like - damn <maiden name> but all grown up and a real woman now. You look great!

Is this harmless flirting or is she probing? I want to confront her about it but it would make me seem paranoid and snooping. I just stumbled on it because I was using her computer briefly. She friended him and why would she tell him she thinks about him all the time? The mentioning of it and downplaying to me is the classic feeler that women use to passive-aggressively show interest and availability...
 

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It is absolutely probing! And Its not that subtle either. They practically set up a date in that email. DO NOT ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN! At least insist on going. Keep monitoring her communications discreetly, especially her phone. I'm sure they'll exchange numbers at some point. Do you have all of her passwords? If she changes any of these then you'll know whats up. Until then keep an eye on this and don't give in. That email is textbook for the beginning of something that will end your marriage. Right now you are ahead of the game my friend. Don't give up that position for any reason. Keep posting.
 

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Unbeknownst to me at the time, my marriage was decimated over my STBXW reconnecting with men from her past~ one a friend and co-worker of her deceased first husband, and the other a senior high classmate of hers.

Her FB conversations with both started in pretty much the same fashion and quickly escalated to the "hot and heavy!" Too bad that I, all too trustingly, didn't have the least suspicion regarding any of her activities only to later have them uncovered some nine months after the onset of our separation!

If I were in your shoes, I'd fastly begin monitoring her cell phone/texting activity as well as her FB postings. Get a keylogger on her PC and get a VAR for her car. And immediately start checking all of her cell phone records, if at all possible!
 

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Is this harmless flirting or is she probing? I want to confront her about it but it would make me seem paranoid and snooping. I just stumbled on it because I was using her computer briefly. She friended him and why would she tell him she thinks about him all the time? The mentioning of it and downplaying to me is the classic feeler that women use to passive-aggressively show interest and availability...
What do you mean by downplaying? Has she told you at all about this guy who she connected with on Facebook from her past, or mentioned the possibility of a reunion?
 

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On it's own the convo is friendly banter on her side. On his side it's casting a net.

BUT combined with her other activities it's clearly a RED flag. Couple ways to go depending on your ability to remain calm, cool, collected.

1. Have a conversation with her. Complement her on her appearance and let her know you've noticed her efforts at maintaing a youthful appearance. Then you can ask about "xxx" .

Tell her you happened to glance at the convo and would like her to explain herself. Don't accuse, yell, plead, or otherwise appear emotional. Just accept what she says. Nod, "ok thanks, I don't think it's healthy but your an adult. I was just curious". Let it go but keep your ear to the ground. Watch for prolonged texting. Sudden attachment to cell phone etc.

2. Don't say a word but key log the computer and keep an eye on escalation in both frequency and content. Don't feel bad about "spying" sometimes you have to protect your marriage or at least prevent a blindside hit.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 · (Edited)
So of course I read these messages like 100 times already. And I'm reading all sorts of subtle flirting here.

HIM: I will always think of you as <her maiden name>.
TRANSLATION: Remember when we dated in high school? Let's go back to that fantasy land...

HIM: Has there ever been a jr high reunion? If not we should do one. Do you live near xxx? I'm in yyy.
TRANSLATION: Even though I haven't seen you in 20 years, let's just randomly arrange a junior HS reunion???

HER: I found you because (without sounding wierd) I think about you all the time!
TRANSLATION: Thinking about someone from HS from time to time is normal. It's not normal to think about them ALL the time. Nor would I share that with someone. IT IS WEIRD unless you are fantasizing about them.

HER: You look GREAT - quite the same , hope you are well , would love a reunion. SET IT UP! I'll come! :0)

TRANSLATION: Reunion thing fine. But "I"'ll come? "I"??? I put myself in this same role if I reconnected with an old flame on FB, there is NO WAY I'd use the word "I". I'd go out of my way to say "WE" as the whole dialog just reeks of flirtation...

HIM: When I saw your picture I was like - damn <maiden name> but all grown up and a real woman now. You look great!
TRANSLATION: I'm going to intentionally use your maiden name over and over to make you feel young. I'm not going to even pretend that I'm not thinking about sleeping with you if made yourself available...


WTF Is wrong with people today. He's married with a family just like us. How do two people randomly just reconnect on FB and within seconds just willingly start an affair? I'm trying to be level headed and objective about this, but I cannot read it any other way. I mean the attitude is like "Oh everybody's doing it. It's the in thing now. It's fine."

I would NEVER EVER in a million years cheat. And what infuriates me is that I'm the one who is exposed to temptation all the time. I'm in an industry where I interface with lots of wealthy, young, attractive people. I have temptation at every corner but I shut it down. She's a stay at home mom and I'm killing myself at work and never seeing my kids so she can look for old HS flames on FB with all her free time???

I'm incensed...
 

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So I will preface this by saying I am not the paranoid type, but I noticed all the signs of serious MLC with my wife these days. She recently turned 40 and is dressing 15 years younger than she used to, reactivated her gym membership, increased libido etc... Hell I'm done a little bit of that too in my own way. But a seemingly harmless FB exchange I saw today has me freaked out now. Why the f**k is she all of a sudden reconnecting with bf's from high school on FB??? This is the exchange I saw today...

HIM
Belated happy b-day! I will always think of you as <maiden name>. Sarah found me on Facebook last year and now I'm reconnecting with long lost friends from hometown. Has there ever been a jr high reunion? If not we should do one. Do you live near xxx? I'm in yyy.

WIFE
I found you because (without sounding wierd) I think about you all the time! My son has a best friend who looks just like you when you were a kid, and my husband has a best friend that looks like you a lot as a man, lol. I don't see anyone from HS other than facebook but kept in touch w.... You look GREAT - quite the same , hope you are well , would love a reunion. SET IT UP! I'll come! :0) We live in xxx... not too far. Take care.

HIM
LOL! I totally understand. Some people from the past I think about much more than others for whatever reason. I always wonder who does the same but about me... Now I know at least one! I used to wonder what ever happened to you, Sarah....
BTW When I saw your picture I was like - damn <maiden name> but all grown up and a real woman now. You look great!

Is this harmless flirting or is she probing? I want to confront her about it but it would make me seem paranoid and snooping. I just stumbled on it because I was using her computer briefly. She friended him and why would she tell him she thinks about him all the time? The mentioning of it and downplaying to me is the classic feeler that women use to passive-aggressively show interest and availability...
Calm down and do not confront at all!!! If you confront her you raise her guard and risk an important window of opportunity for investigation. It sounds like you need to do this, one way or another, so you can clear your mind of suspicians.

First, notice that she mentioned YOU in her FB thread, her HUSBAND. If a woman has found a man she is intersted in as an affair partner, she is not going to mention the word "husband". In my opinion this could be totally innocent, of course no one knows yet.

Further, be happy your wife wants to look good, and cares about aging well, that is a positive for you, no?

You have nearly NO EVIDENCE to start the "freak-out" mode yet.
Put a key-logger on the computer, see what you find.
 

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TRANSLATION: I'm going to intentionally use your maiden name over and over to make you feel young.
The thought I had was... "he's obviously trying to un-marry her through
conversation, to better his chance of her thinking in un-married terms".
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
What do you mean by downplaying? Has she told you at all about this guy who she connected with on Facebook from her past, or mentioned the possibility of a reunion?
PROBING: I found you because I think about you all the time!

DOWNPLAYING: (without sounding wierd) My son has a best friend who looks just like you when you were a kid, and my husband has a best friend that looks like you a lot as a man, lol.

Excuse for why she thinks about him all the time. That's the way I read it...
 

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Alex, you should be incensed. There are just too many changes in her behavior not to read it any other way. Why did she freind him after so many years? Is it a coincidence she did this after she turned 40, after she started changing her appearance? I think not. I think you are reading this right. Even if her initial intention isn't to start an affair, she seems to be primed for one given all the other behavioral changes. It'll be too easy to fall into one, and sooo many of them start of with much less flirting than her email had. Don't reveal that you've been looking at her facebook. Just continue to monitor until she starts planning trips and hiding stuff. Then insinuate yourself into these 'reunions' and see how she reacts. It should tell you alot.
Never reveal your sources.
 

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You have nearly NO EVIDENCE to start the "freak-out" mode yet.
Put a key-logger on the computer, see what you find.
I disagree. He's got more than enough evidence to freak out. He needs to confront her and let her know that this is unacceptable behavior for a married woman. He needs to nip this in the bud.

My ex reconnected with an old boyfriend and now she's my ex. Time is of the essence.

OP, from what you have written, I don't think she's cheated but she's well on her way. Don't wait for her to do something stupid before you act.

Your marriage is dependent on how you handle this.
 

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I disagree. He's got more than enough evidence to freak out. He needs to confront her and let her know that this is unacceptable behavior for a married woman. He needs to nip this in the bud.

My ex reconnected with an old boyfriend and now she's my ex. Time is of the essence.

OP, from what you have written, I don't think she's cheated but she's well on her way. Don't wait for her to do something stupid before you act.

Your marriage is dependent on how you handle this.
:iagree: completely. Iceburg ahead!
 

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She didn't mention this contact to you, though, did she?

Also, this is the first time you are finding out that she is thinking about him "all the time."

Your "translations" were very insightful.

It sounds to me like your wife searched out and found this guy, not the other way around. She says "I found you because ... I think about you all the time!" So it was your wife who initiated contact.

Nip this in the bud. Ask her about it. It hasn't gone far enough that it will be a problem. Make up a story about why you were on her computer or Facebook, that you were looking for something and saw this and it made you uncomfortable.

It's very important that you not come across as angry.

Tell her, I didn't know you were thinking about him all the time. Why are you thinking about him "all the time"? Ask questions about him. Find out who he is, how she knows him, did they ever date, where he lives, what is his wife's name, how old are their kids. And why does she think about him "all the time." Emphasize that to her - "all the time."

Don't let her just shrug it off and change the subject.

Then bring up your marriage, how is it going, what the two of you can do to make it better, and why don't you get started on making it better right now. Take that approach.

Trust me, it's better to do what I'm suggesting now than to have to deal with an emotional affair a month from now.

These Facebook affairs progress at the speed of light. The progression below takes two weeks or maybe even less. In less than a month it is a full-blown emotional affair with "I love you's" "soul mates" and plans to leave their spouses to be together forever. So please take action now. It will not drive her to the affair, but it may stop it. It goes like this (from a poster named F-102):

They first start catching up, and it's all "How you been doing? What have you been up to?"

Then it would have morphed into talk about:

What they've been doing since they parted
Their significant others since they parted
Their families
Their favorite music, movies, etc.
Their spouses
You
Your job
How your job keeps you away
How lonely she gets when you're away
How she looks forward to their conversations all the time now
How she loves talking to him
How she gets "bored" talking to you
How you don't always listen
How you're not "perfect"
How you can be so insensitive sometimes
How she wonders if she would have stayed with him
How he understands her
How he knows how to make her feel good
How you fail at this
How you are such an a**hole
How she feels young again
How she hasn't felt this happy with you in so long
How he's a better man than you'll ever be
How she wants to see him again
How they can meet under the radar
How she's thought of leaving you
How she ever could have fallen for a jerk like you
How he's her soul mate
How she made a big mistake leaving him
How she made an even bigger mistake marrying you
How they were meant to be together...

...get the picture?​
 

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You should definitely ask her why YOUR wife is thinking about another man 'all the time'. And ask her what message does she think she's sending him by saying this.
 

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A lot of MLC involve more time spent on appearance and working out. Hitting forty is a shock to many people. This is not necessarily a bad thing. Your wife is getting in shape and looking better. Maybe it's for your benefit too. I believe the majority of people who have this type of MLC never go beyond dressing younger and trying to look younger. They may even fantasize.

BUT, there is a large percentage who will begin to act out their mid-life crisis and try to go back to their "single" stage of life. The difference is, these types will act out their fantasies.

I think there are a lot of red flags - but not enough to conclude. You have to be vigilant. You might have to snoop a little. Just remember - this COULD be innocent. Just keep your guard up.

The problem of course is that you can only prove she is cheating - you can never prove she isn't. Remember that. You need to have a point where you can say - I've checked, and I haven't found anything and just accept that and go back to trusting your wife. Otherwise your suspicions will kill your marriage.

On the other hand - if you find something incriminating - gather enough evidence to confront and then follow the advice you'll get here.
 

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I don't know if it's a MLC. She is definately not feeling a strong connection to you and so she is open to attention from other men.

Before this goes any further get the book "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Harley. Yea I know it's not an affair yet. But you can head it off if you know what to do. Read the book. Don't let her see you reading the book.

Then, after that get "His Needs, Her Needs" also by Dr. Harley and read, learn, do.

If you can afford it take her on a marriage enrichment long weeking.

MarriageBuilders.com has one that people say is good.

Marriage Help Program For Couples has one that I've heard good things about. There are others that you can research.
 

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WTF Is wrong with people today. He's married with a family just like us. How do two people randomly just reconnect on FB and within seconds just willingly start an affair? I'm trying to be level headed and objective about this, but I cannot read it any other way. I mean the attitude is like "Oh everybody's doing it. It's the in thing now. It's fine."

I would NEVER EVER in a million years cheat. And what infuriates me is that I'm the one who is exposed to temptation all the time. I'm in an industry where I interface with lots of wealthy, young, attractive people. I have temptation at every corner but I shut it down. She's a stay at home mom and I'm killing myself at work and never seeing my kids so she can look for old HS flames on FB with all her free time???

I'm incensed...
Have found myself wondering the same thing lately as 2 weeks ago I heard on a recorder my wife showing all her goods and giving a guy online a demonstration of our vibrator. 5 months before that she was having another online affair with a married guy. I SERIOUSLY hope your wife is not like mine, but your gut is telling you there is something seriously wrong here, and it doesn't lie. Hopefully you have caught it in time and this was just her first time sticking her toe in the water of potential infidelity.

I'm going to suggest what some of the others have though, and hold off on confronting just now. That may push her into going into lockdown. This is enough of a red flag, that you need to be asking yourself if this is just her first foray into these kinds of questionable interactions. Do like others have said...purchase a voice activated recorder from a big box store for like $30-40 bucks and put it in her car. Do some research into key loggers and put one on her computer. Yeah, there's a possibility you're going to feel like a paranoid freak, but you've got good reason to arm yourself to defend what is essentially your life here.

Time for some marriage counseling to figure out why your wife might be unhappy or potentially shopping around. What's behind all these major changes involving sprucing herself up to the point of being potentially attractive to other men.

The social networking stuff is a beast when it comes to marriages though. Ugh. Mine was destroyed by it, as were countless others. Look around here and you'll see. They have allowed an opportunity for temptation in the form of potential partners to enter and linger around your home any time you're not there. It's not like I would have ever been ok with some guy coming into my house and sitting down to talk with my wife for hours on end, but that's the reality of what happens due to this technology.
 

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It goes like this (from a poster named F-102):

They first start catching up, and it's all "How you been doing? What have you been up to?"

Then it would have morphed into talk about:

What they've been doing since they parted
Their significant others since they parted
Their families
Their favorite music, movies, etc.
Their spouses
You
Your job
How your job keeps you away
How lonely she gets when you're away
How she looks forward to their conversations all the time now
How she loves talking to him
How she gets "bored" talking to you
How you don't always listen
How you're not "perfect"
How you can be so insensitive sometimes
How she wonders if she would have stayed with him
How he understands her
How he knows how to make her feel good
How you fail at this
How you are such an a**hole
How she feels young again
How she hasn't felt this happy with you in so long
How he's a better man than you'll ever be
How she wants to see him again
How they can meet under the radar
How she's thought of leaving you
How she ever could have fallen for a jerk like you
How he's her soul mate
How she made a big mistake leaving him
How she made an even bigger mistake marrying you
How they were meant to be together...

...get the picture?​
Hah! That's hilarious and sad at the same time. That's so similar to how both of my wife's affairs played out.
 
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