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Is this something or nothing...

1381 Views 6 Replies 5 Participants Last post by  tobio
Earlier today I was driving home from picking up my eldest from after-school club.

As we went round a corner one of the kids remarked, "look! I recognise that van!" It was my husband's van, going the completely opposite way to our house. He was due home in fifteen minutes and he hadn't mentioned having any errands to run so I thought he might be dropping by the shops to pick up something.

I called him when I got home to see where he was. Turned out he was going by the bank before it closed. Fair enough - I'd had a hard day with the kids and really needed a hand so just wanted to know he wasn't planning on being out and about for ages.

He got back not long after. Marched in the kitchen where I was making dinner. Asked what that phone call was about, in a harsh tone. I explained we'd seen him and I was wondering where he was going. "Why?" he said. "Don't you trust me?"

He marched out again and back in a second later. Threw a counter stub on the worktop. "There's the proof. Believe me now?" and walked off.

I was taken aback. Now, my hubz is pretty much a good mood guy. It is very rare he really gets irritated or annoyed that much, especially with me, in that way.

And FWIW, in my mind, I DO trust him actually. As much as I can do. Funnily enough, since his EA, the trust aspect rebuilt before other things. I don't worry about it. It never really gets mentioned because it's not a prominent issue .

He came in later and we had heated words. He was insistent I meant I didn't trust him with making that phone call. I was insistent that was not my motivation at all - I'd simply had a long hard day with the kids and wanted him home to have a hand.

He held out the olive branch so we're on better terms now but him blowing up like that just seemed so out of character for him. Out of the blue. I remember him saying something right before I found out he'd kissed the OW, asking me if I trusted him...

Maybe I'm reading too much into it but it's playing on my mind... Thoughts?
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Trust, but verify?

This does not sound normal. Maybe he had a bad day?
Yep I thought trust but verify too. All seems to be okay.

I would have said the bad day thing but he actually had a good one because his boss let him off work early, he was working locally so not much driving about and because his boss picked him up on the way to the job, he got to lie in for an extra half an hour AND he got to come home for lunch. So a good day as days go for him.

Also he's a couple of weeks into a new job that he likes and is a lot less stressful than the one he left.

He seems to think I don't trust him at all. I tried to explain that I was really, really surprised he thought that, given the amount of freedom he actually has and that I am comfortable with that. I just thought it was so weird that he thought that and I wondered if he was just saying it because he was angry or if he really thought that.
One step in rebuilding trust is reaching the point when you are able to give him the benefit of the doubt, like you used to before the EA.

Do you think you can give him the benefit of the doubt on this one? If not, I think it wouldn't be a bad idea to tell him that, while you have rebuilt a lot of trust, you still aren't at the point where you can just give him the benefit of the doubt.

And then then tell him that he triggered a memory of a time when he asked if you trusted him when he was being untrustworthy at the time. So now you're wondering about it, even though you weren't wondering before the fight.

Basically, I'm saying be honest and open with him about all of this. Lingering doubts are poisonous, so you just have to address them as they come up. Sure, he might not like having to talk about this again, but it's all the consequences of the way around it, you just have to work through it step by step.
I did say when we were having words that I had trusted him but him going on about it was making me wonder... I do need to address it though. I am that kind of person that will mull over it otherwise.

I can't do it now as he's out at the pub... Where coincidentally I have no issue with him going :D
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