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She asked me for couples counseling 🤦‍♂️
mans you are allowed to say no! If it would help - it would be worth considering... but she hasn’t shown effort to repair the damage she caused.

some people like staying married AND having someone on the side... seems like this is what she intends for YOU to agree to.

tell her NO. Why talk to her at all? It’s all manipulation. She can talk to her attorney.
 

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Ask her why you’d want to do that? I wouldn’t. You laced all the blame for screwing another dude on YOU????

if you accept the poop sandwich you’re being fed..... you need to get away from this woman and find some strength to break free from a cheater.
Your wife is not done cheating by a long shot and the way she simply tells you to your face it’s your fault, she’s perfectly ok with doing it again.
Move on.
 

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It sounds like she's realizing he may not be as much of a prince charming as she thought now that his reputation is going down in flames. You might be Plan B.

It's up to you but don't stop the divorce unless you have the truth from her, continued honesty, transparency including access to her phone, and her full commitment to do whatever it takes to make this up to you. With out it, it's not worth it.
 

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She asked me for couples counseling 🤦‍♂️
What is she asking this for? She called all of the shots in this situation. Had control, moved the chess pieces on the board. Yet now after signing want MC?
If you agree, please get one who is experienced in infidelity, not one that enables the growth of feelings, exploring the blah, blah blah.
 

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She asked me for couples counseling 🤦‍♂️
"STBXW,

After you've gone to Individual Counseling and have dealt with the issues within yourself that allowed you to justify committing adultery and destroying our family, and after you have lived a trustworthy life for a year, demonstrating with your actions (not your worthless promises) that you CAN and WILL honor your vows to me and protect me from your personal flaws... at that time I will consider couples counseling and the answer may still be 'no' because why would I waste my valuable fidelity on someone who blames me for their own lack of character? Come see me after a year of flawless faithfulness."
 

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Nomore, DO NOT go to couples counseling unless mandated by court. I have said in other post that many counselors are incompetent, even dangerous. Many have their own problems and attempt to ameliorate them through the counseling process. If you want to see a bunch of nut cases, go to a conference where there are a lot of MSW's. Some of the others have gotten their degrees online, and done maybe 1200 "anything" hours to qualify.
 

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She asked me for couples counseling 🤦‍♂️
No no and hell no! Not yet! She needs to get into IC and start fixing herself first. after a couple of months, see how she is acting towards you, then consider going to MC.

Sir, watch her actions not her words.
 

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@No-MoreMr.NiceGuy I am a strong advocate for buying and installing good, high quality smoke detectors for both domestic and commercial properties. In fact, I need to get some spare batteries later today. ;)

However, if the house is already burning down rushing off to the shops/stores to buy a smoke detector would be an exercise in futility.

As would having couple's counselling under your circumstances, because if one spouse is a cheater couple's counselling would be like buying a smoke detector for a blazing building. Too little, too late.
 

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Instead of her suggesting MC - how about she stop all the behavior/actions that caused all the crap in your marriage? How about instead that she start showing you evidence she isn’t doing any of those things anymore?
Ahhhh, but she won’t because she isn’t!
 

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Crickets and ghost. You will have a much better life in the long run. Go find a real best friend who doesn't stab you in the heart and then tell you you need to go get counseling about it.

Or "Why do I need counseling I didn't lie and cheat and betray everything I said I stood for, not to mention the person I supposedly love and the "hopefully" father of my children, no that was you." then go find a real best friend who doesn't stab you in the heart and then tell you you need to go get counseling about it.

Go outside and get some dog **** and put it in a paper bag and keep it on your bed. That will provide you with more happiness then your wife will at this point.
 

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Sorry, this is lengthy. I already know what I want and what I’m working towards, but I would like input and advice. Here’s my story.
My wife and I have been married for 11 years with our 12th coming up, and we have one son. We have so much in common that we’ve never had a dull moment, there’s always something for us to do together. While things haven’t always been the best (no marriage or relationship is), I’ve always loved spending time with her. A few years back we had a disagreement about our families, since then I’ve tried to be patient and understanding, but conflicts would arise on occasion leaving me to feel like my thoughts didn’t matter. We’ve both been doormats to everyone else, losing confidence in ourselves and have both spent the last few years in and out of depression. Well, we’re finally getting on top of that, and I had thought (key word there) that these years together were going just fine until a few months ago.

She lays out this ultimatum of sorts, we need to find ourselves and explore, if we don’t try harder we will lose each other. We start going to our own separate counselors, and I feel like things are moving forward pretty good. We used to sell hand made leather horse tack, and would frequently take short trips out of town together to deliver. One day work got in the way (this happened just before the Ultimatum), and I couldn’t go so she went by herself to deliver the tack to a new customer we met, a nice guy, mid-thirties (about 6 years older than us). He quickly becomes a friend and she continues to this day to talk to him. Well I begin to notice her acting out of the ordinary. It went from us keeping our phones charging in the bathroom each night, to her hiding it in the bed. She would change screens when I got close, she would laugh in the other room, when I came to investigate she would be texting, I would sneak up behind her, see his name, and she would quickly shake it off as nothing or try to switch to her Facebook app mid text.

I got brave one night and snuck her phone out from under the blankets to check the texts, texts would go from first thing in the morning, to just before she came into the bedroom to bed, with conversations appearing to make no sense with gaps or long periods of time without texts when I already knew there were texts (the conversations present were normal friendly things.) We went out one night to play frisbee in the park across from our house, I had to go in for a drink, but thought on my way back I would play PI and do the sneaky sneak behind her, she was busy watching towards the house and didn’t see me sneak up. I come up behind and she’s texting again (texts always seem innocent but have winky faces). I see part of a picture, nothing strange about it, but when I say hello she jumps and quickly exits the text, she’s very visibly shaken, her hands are shaking trying to show me a picture she just took of herself. At this point I decide to keep a constant eye on her phone so I pair it with my computer. At one point I notice that as I’m reading the texts being sent they are being quickly deleted, even perfectly innocent ones. One text read something like “you’re so flirty and sweet, you’re in my head and I need to know how you feel about me”. She had come into the room so I had to exit, it was probably midnight, she was texting so I asked who it was, it took her a minute to reply with an honest answer, I think its far too late for “friends” to be texting so I say so and ask what they are talking about, she says something I can’t even remember, so I ask to see because this late at night is suspicious to me. She says, “well I just deleted them so I have nothing to show, but don’t worry we’re JUST friends, and I’ve deleted texts because I know you can get jealous and are sensitive so I’m looking out for your feelings.” This continues, even though I asked her not to text so late, she will find an excuse to leave the room and the phone is glued to her side. One night she tells me I love you but I’m not in love with you, and I haven’t been in years and I’m just realizing it. I felt so shocked and hurt and confused as to what had gone wrong. She says we can work on getting back to that point, but watching the phone records (because my computer was disconnected from her phone and I can’t get into her phone), she’s still texting from sunup to sundown with OM. I forgot to add, I told her if there was nothing to hide, I will just ask him to show me the texts or I want to recover the texts, she says "oh so now you don't trust me". Thoughts?
I've deleted the text because I know you can get jealous, and sensitive you are. Thank god she's looking out for your feelings. Did she ever think that you wouldn't get jealous if she wasn't texting another guy all day long? The one time you can't go on a trip with her, and she does this to you. Makes you wonder just what happened on that delivery trip? She is going to hook up with this guy, and no matter what you say or do. She will find a way to do it. You have this guy address from doing business with him. get a GPS on her car tell her you need some time alone. Then see if she heads down to his place. Drive down there and get pics of her car at his house. Get a lawyer she's going to leave you , might just as well beat her to it. Pack her stuff change the locks have the papers ready. Tell her he can have you! Don't listen to anything she has to say, she's gonna dump it all on you!
 

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Discussion Starter #160
Thanks for checking in. Thinks went South for me and had a bit of a break down. Stayed off tech for awhile, been a couple weeks at least. Took a week off of work to reset, and have been on my own for quite sometime. I've been getting mixed signals from her. Her family found out and cracked down hard on her for what she did, reached out to me with their full support. I lied about some of my original story to protect my identity, so it's not quite as it seems but pretty much accurate none the less. Man isn't older, he's not even 21 yet, lives with parents. What bothers me the worst is knowing word for word what was said for over a month, it's shocking. I won't divulge anything as of yet until I know how this plays out. I'm giving my all because I owe it to myself to find what makes me happiest. I spent a few nights in a protected facility to be safe from myself. Been an emotional rollercoaster. Before anyone says anything, I'm in a negative emotional state and I don't need anymore negativity, you can ask questions if you'd like but let's keep it lighthearted. Thanks for looking out. I'll post more as this develops.
 
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