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Well treating her as your best friend didn’t work. Stuff the friendship, she in her mind has left you, moved in with her AP and have the children calling him dad. She has AP as one happy family, with you a weekend dad!
Please stop trying to set her up with him. She is not taking your years of marriage or friendship into account; Isolate all funds until the business is sorted legally. All business and marriage debt have to be split evenly. She can have generous visitation for the children but no more that 50-50. I am unsure of the children’s ages but no they can’t move with stbxww interstate to live with AP. Get a shark of a lawyer. Nice didn’t work.
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It is all on her. Remember the movie when the pod people came and murdered their human prey and took over their life?

That's the situation you are in. Your wife is dead, killed by the creature that replaced her.
 

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Filing now, when she is wanted to do anything to be free of you (and that’s how it is, sorry. Very sorry). Is the only chance you have of getting at least a reasonably fair divorce. If you do not do this, you will regret it for years.

you do not have an option. Again, you do not have an option.., Let that sink in. It’s either divorce now, and have a chance, or divorce after her lawyer has had time tI educate her on how to set you up for countless falls that the court will be more than happy to crush you with.

and whether it means anything or not, state that the reason is infidelity.

I have been where you are. Time is not your friend here. You should have already seen a lawyer. You’re gonna drag your feet. She won’t drag hers.
 

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Discussion Starter #124
Well we're doing it, will sign next week sometime. Honestly, most of this week has been torturous, but I got a little bit of revenge and now I'm feeling ok with it. I've been treated badly and lied to for long enough. The crazy thing is, this came out of left field for my STBEX she wasn't this kind of vindictive lying gaslighting person. I'm sure it had a lot to do with the OM but I can't help but think something else is amiss. Either way I'm starting to feel free and I thank you all so much. I didn't want to hear what you had to say about divorce, because of how emotionally low I was. I'm glad I am ok, and I will look forward to the signing.
 

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Discussion Starter #126
Well I let loose his exploits to a large portion of people to make him feel ashamed and scared to face people. It worked, and he's running around paranoid about everything. I haven't gotten to the divorce papers yet, we're remaining civil as friends and trying to work it out equally. I actually come out ahead here I think knowing that I'm not stooping to the level they have. I've had a few more (its your fault) types of things but I have learned to bat those away and place the blame on the choice made. It all kind of came really quickly, today actually. I just finally felt at peace.
 

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Remember take care of you and the children. They are the innocent parties from your STBX actions.
Both her and OM’s conscious decisions and actions, that has led to the demise of your family, business and life. Again in with anger out with a slow breath to remain in control. Hope you get to keep the children close to your location and not interstate to move in with STBX and OM.
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If your gut says she is still hiding something, she probably is. But that is not your problem much longer.

I can't remember if someone else has said this before but when she cut you off sexually that was her being faithful to her new lover. When that happens, they have usually had sex or at least a physical encounter.

Be at peace with yourself now. You gave it your all to save a marriage that she no longer wanted.

Live your life now. It will take some time to become indifferent toward her, but that is your goal going forward.

I would be cautious in the future. It is not uncommon for wayward wives, once they actually go to OM, to see that they screwed up and try to come back to you months or even a year or so after they leave and divorce their husband. The greener grass on the other side begins to turn brown. If that happens, try to remember how she lied, cheated, and blamed you.
 

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Discussion Starter #129
If your gut says she is still hiding something, she probably is. But that is not your problem much longer.

I can't remember if someone else has said this before but when she cut you off sexually that was her being faithful to her new lover. When that happens, they have usually had sex or at least a physical encounter.

Be at peace with yourself now. You gave it your all to save a marriage that she no longer wanted.

Live your life now. It will take some time to become indifferent toward her, but that is your goal going forward.

I would be cautious in the future. It is not uncommon for wayward wives, once they actually go to OM, to see that they screwed up and try to come back to you months or even a year or so after they leave and divorce their husband. The greener grass on the other side begins to turn brown. If that happens, try to remember how she lied, cheated, and blamed you.
They definitely are still hiding things, I actually caught them having phone sex. I asked if he had sent her pictures or if she had sent pictures but I already knew the answer to that. She said no of course until I let her know what I knew. It's disgusting. He's ruined a family. I have thought about writing to his local newspaper about his exploits so his entire town will know. They haven't had sex, she keeps saying she's not trying to rush into anything but from the looks of what I've see she's lying there too.

My parents were actually seperated and divorced once and have been remarried and happy for a long time now. Not saying I'd let her in, but I'm betting you are 100% correct in that she will see how she messed up.
 

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Don't worry about writing to a local paper. They would not publish it anyway.

She will continue to lie because she has no love or respect for you now. All her focus is on him and the fantasy life she envisions.

One other note. HE did not ruin your family. Your wife did. You said he is single, YOUR WIFE is not. She is the one that should have been faithful. He probably made inappropriate advances, but she was the one to accept those and embrace them.

Let her go. The best revenge is to live well now that you are free.
 

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They definitely are still hiding things, I actually caught them having phone sex. I asked if he had sent her pictures or if she had sent pictures but I already knew the answer to that. She said no of course until I let her know what I knew. It's disgusting. He's ruined a family. I have thought about writing to his local newspaper about his exploits so his entire town will know. They haven't had sex, she keeps saying she's not trying to rush into anything but from the looks of what I've see she's lying there too.

My parents were actually seperated and divorced once and have been remarried and happy for a long time now. Not saying I'd let her in, but I'm betting you are 100% correct in that she will see how she messed up.
Here’s my read.

She’s been banging him in her head for so long that she thinks they have a ‘real’ relationship.

She’ll go bang him for real very soon, if she hasn’t done so already. He’ll use her infatuation, hormones, and frankly desperation to get whatever wild and kinky things he wants from her.

And then a few weeks out when it becomes work, he’ll dump her. He knows what he’s doing, and probably has a few married women on the go.

And then, when her horniness is satiated, or she gets dumped, she’ll start the “I don’t know what I was thinking, I made a mistake” game. Which only seems to happen after they get their rocks off and reality sets in.

I could be wrong. But just be ready for it.
 

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Believe what you see, this is your stbx true self.

Glad to hear you are doing better. Keep working on yourself.

I love the idea of doing an editorial in his local paper. 😂😂😂😂

Hit his social media accounts as well. Let them know how he went after a married woman. Ruin his life as he ruined yours. What’s the saying “All is fair in love and war”. Burn him.
 

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It takes a huge amount of strength to file and start moving forward after this happens. Nobody that hasn’t been through it knows how it makes you feel.
Only when you start moving ahead as you’re doing will the pain let up even a little. Good luck. Very sorry this happened, but happy for you that you aren’t wallowing in it and staying down.
You WiLL be glad you started the process one day. Your wife as you know her is gone forever. But you’ll be free to find another. Warning: there are a LOT of the type of women your wife is out there. Be careful you stay clear of them.
 

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Exposing the OM and your wife for inappropriate sexting (or more) seems to have a negative impact on their affair.

It sounds like she's becoming aware that the OM is loosing interest in her now that it's getting real. It got real for him when you showed zero tolerance and the OM learned she's about to become single.

Her reality is the OM does not love her nor has any long term interest in her.
 

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The OM may be dumping your wife.

However, do not allow yourself to be her Plan B.

Suggesting couples counseling is her way of blaming you for her decision to cheat (EA OR PA).

Remember, her decision to cheat is 100% on her. Nobody forced her to cheat. She always had other options, but she chose to cheat.

Couples counseling is not appropriate because it's purpose is to repair a marriage. The standard therapy model tends to 'share' the blame (which is not appropriate at this time). She unilaterally destroyed your marriage.

Before you can consider rebuilding a new marriage (or couples counseling), she has to identify why she chose to cheat (why she lacks the core values to chose another option) - and to fix herself. Otherwise, she's not a safe partner and is high risk to repeat.
 

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Do not grant her the gift of a second chance immediately. Take your time (I’m talking months) to decide whether to D or R. In the interim, she needs to believe you’re serious ready to divorce her (bluff if necessary), observe her actions (not promises) to rebuild trust and to make herself a safe partner.

What can SHE do now:

1) a written plan on how to rebuild your relationship including the steps she will take to make you feel loved.

2) documenting the ways she will make you feel safe in the relationship

3) telling the truth on if she misses the AP, whether she enjoys him more than you, if she still thinks he is a good guy and desires to be with him. If she can’t convince you that she feels none of these things for him then you might as well move on.

4) make you feel desired. If it were me I would tell her she needs to initiate new intimacy with you in ways she did NOT have with him. She needs to be creative and also make you feel like you’re the only man she’d want to do these things with; and that she’s comfortable sharing them with you and only you for the rest of her life.

5) I’d want letters. Lots of them. Describing what you staying means to her. Describing how you must have felt when you learned she was cheating. Why she loves you. Why (other than love) she wants to be with you vs the OM. What she wants for your future together. I’d ask for a letter every two days. If she wants you in her life she’d do it.

6) Id actually want to be flirted with. As if she courting me for the first time. You said the old M is dead so if she wants a new one she needs to show that desire.

7) provide a timeline of her affair showing when, where, what happened, what she was thinking during and afterward each contact (text or face to face) with him - (subject to a polygraph). A timeline is for her benefit and assists her in fixing herself. It reduces her romantic tryst into a selfish deceitful act of betrayal. It also provides you with ‘what’ you are forgiving.
 
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