Talk About Marriage banner

1 - 20 of 186 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
31 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Sorry, this is lengthy. I already know what I want and what I’m working towards, but I would like input and advice. Here’s my story.
My wife and I have been married for 11 years with our 12th coming up, and we have one son. We have so much in common that we’ve never had a dull moment, there’s always something for us to do together. While things haven’t always been the best (no marriage or relationship is), I’ve always loved spending time with her. A few years back we had a disagreement about our families, since then I’ve tried to be patient and understanding, but conflicts would arise on occasion leaving me to feel like my thoughts didn’t matter. We’ve both been doormats to everyone else, losing confidence in ourselves and have both spent the last few years in and out of depression. Well, we’re finally getting on top of that, and I had thought (key word there) that these years together were going just fine until a few months ago.

She lays out this ultimatum of sorts, we need to find ourselves and explore, if we don’t try harder we will lose each other. We start going to our own separate counselors, and I feel like things are moving forward pretty good. We used to sell hand made leather horse tack, and would frequently take short trips out of town together to deliver. One day work got in the way (this happened just before the Ultimatum), and I couldn’t go so she went by herself to deliver the tack to a new customer we met, a nice guy, mid-thirties (about 6 years older than us). He quickly becomes a friend and she continues to this day to talk to him. Well I begin to notice her acting out of the ordinary. It went from us keeping our phones charging in the bathroom each night, to her hiding it in the bed. She would change screens when I got close, she would laugh in the other room, when I came to investigate she would be texting, I would sneak up behind her, see his name, and she would quickly shake it off as nothing or try to switch to her Facebook app mid text.

I got brave one night and snuck her phone out from under the blankets to check the texts, texts would go from first thing in the morning, to just before she came into the bedroom to bed, with conversations appearing to make no sense with gaps or long periods of time without texts when I already knew there were texts (the conversations present were normal friendly things.) We went out one night to play frisbee in the park across from our house, I had to go in for a drink, but thought on my way back I would play PI and do the sneaky sneak behind her, she was busy watching towards the house and didn’t see me sneak up. I come up behind and she’s texting again (texts always seem innocent but have winky faces). I see part of a picture, nothing strange about it, but when I say hello she jumps and quickly exits the text, she’s very visibly shaken, her hands are shaking trying to show me a picture she just took of herself. At this point I decide to keep a constant eye on her phone so I pair it with my computer. At one point I notice that as I’m reading the texts being sent they are being quickly deleted, even perfectly innocent ones. One text read something like “you’re so flirty and sweet, you’re in my head and I need to know how you feel about me”. She had come into the room so I had to exit, it was probably midnight, she was texting so I asked who it was, it took her a minute to reply with an honest answer, I think its far too late for “friends” to be texting so I say so and ask what they are talking about, she says something I can’t even remember, so I ask to see because this late at night is suspicious to me. She says, “well I just deleted them so I have nothing to show, but don’t worry we’re JUST friends, and I’ve deleted texts because I know you can get jealous and are sensitive so I’m looking out for your feelings.” This continues, even though I asked her not to text so late, she will find an excuse to leave the room and the phone is glued to her side. One night she tells me I love you but I’m not in love with you, and I haven’t been in years and I’m just realizing it. I felt so shocked and hurt and confused as to what had gone wrong. She says we can work on getting back to that point, but watching the phone records (because my computer was disconnected from her phone and I can’t get into her phone), she’s still texting from sunup to sundown with OM. I forgot to add, I told her if there was nothing to hide, I will just ask him to show me the texts or I want to recover the texts, she says "oh so now you don't trust me". Thoughts?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
938 Posts
Uh, she’s involved with this OM! And she plans (or has) to cheat on you.

tell her you’re divorcing her if she doesn’t stop all forms of contacting him NOW!

is he married? If so, contact his wife now!

and if she unwilling to end it - file for divorce immediately - begging someone to be a decent spouse never works well.

If she won’t stop, cut off all her basic luxuries... credit cards, bank accounts etc - pack her a bag and tell her you do not expect to live with any woman that’s spending all her time focused on another man... have her move out immediately.

if you aren’t showing strength with swift and harsh consequences - she will take control - and it won’t be pretty.

protect yourself - she is about to blow up your whole world!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
19,268 Posts
I see three paths ahead of you:

Path A: "Wife, I've read your texts, and I know what you've been writing. You can be mad at me all you like, but we both know what you've been texting each other. So we can either end this marriage here and now, or this relationship ends here and now." She'll blow her lid, call you controlling, blah blah blah. Even for years, she'll probably bring it out, but she will also probably give in and stay married to you, if only because the other man hasn't yet given her something to cling to.

Path B: "Wife, please come back to this marriage, I'll do anything, I need you and love you!" This will likely result in her running to the other guy even faster.

Path C: you grab her phone when you have a moment, take a backup, recover all the texts, print them all out, and then confront her. You do the same as A, but with evidence. She'll still flip out, but when it lands one way or the other, it will be cleaner.

I recommend path C. However, I also recommend you come into it with a mindset that this marriage is over and she is gone, because once you hear "I love you but I'm not in love with you," it means "I want to leave you but I still want you to know I care about you, just in some abstract, non-romantic sense, and not enough to stay around you much longer."
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
31 Posts
Discussion Starter #8
I would check the phone but it now has a new passcode to get into it. And one text from the OM to her said they were just friends when she asked about his feelings. I mentioned it could have turned into and EA even if she hadn't meant for it to happen, ya know sometimes people can become infatuated with someone for different reasons. She's firm that she's not cheating and admitted they had exchanged a lot of flirting texts, but he's just a friend. I can't shake the feeling she really is emotionally attached.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
537 Posts
I would check the phone but it now has a new passcode to get into it. And one text from the OM to her said they were just friends when she asked about his feelings. I mentioned it could have turned into and EA even if she hadn't meant for it to happen, ya know sometimes people can become infatuated with someone for different reasons. She's firm that she's not cheating and admitted they had exchanged a lot of flirting texts, but he's just a friend. I can't shake the feeling she really is emotionally attached.
Where there is smoke, there is fire. She's got the lighter.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
31 Posts
Discussion Starter #10
It can't be physical either because he lives a few states away. He had traveled to a town a few hours away for personal reasons, which is why she was able to go meet him with the tack he bought from us. She doesn't leave town.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,107 Posts
She is Emotionally Attached.. Read about limerance. She is sliding down the slippery slope of infidelity. Ask her to cut all contact. If she refuses, you've got an answer--he means more than you as she has already told you--IYBINILWY....

ACT NOW, FIRMLY.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,559 Posts
If you DO confront her, don't let her tell you that this is NOT an affair -- it certainly is. It is at the very LEAST an Emotional affair, and a very deep one at that.
She IS cheating -- no doubt about it. I hope you kept copies of what she is/was doing from her phone.
She will try to tell everyone (family/friends) that you "just grew apart" or "he wasn't paying attention to me.." type of stuff -- that's called re-writing your marital history. DO NOT let her do that. If you separate, make sure everyone knows it's because she was cheating with this guy.

Does this guy have a wife/gf? You do need to tell them also.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,361 Posts
I would check the phone but it now has a new passcode to get into it. And one text from the OM to her said they were just friends when she asked about his feelings. I mentioned it could have turned into and EA even if she hadn't meant for it to happen, ya know sometimes people can become infatuated with someone for different reasons. She's firm that she's not cheating and admitted they had exchanged a lot of flirting texts, but he's just a friend. I can't shake the feeling she really is emotionally attached.
She is in a EA. NO doubt. I love you but not in love with you declaration is the first step. Next it will be what a crappy H you have been. Time is now my friend to get involved with the "just friends" crap sandwich you are being fed. BTW, there is no privacy in marriage. This includes looking at each others phones. Get evidence. Purchase the book, Not Just Friends. Toss the copy on your W lap and demand she reads.
 
  • Like
Reactions: MattMatt

·
Registered
Joined
·
501 Posts
Sorry, this is lengthy. I already know what I want and what I’m working towards, but I would like input and advice. Here’s my story.
My wife and I have been married for 11 years with our 12th coming up, and we have one son. We have so much in common that we’ve never had a dull moment, there’s always something for us to do together. While things haven’t always been the best (no marriage or relationship is), I’ve always loved spending time with her. A few years back we had a disagreement about our families, since then I’ve tried to be patient and understanding, but conflicts would arise on occasion leaving me to feel like my thoughts didn’t matter. We’ve both been doormats to everyone else, losing confidence in ourselves and have both spent the last few years in and out of depression. Well, we’re finally getting on top of that, and I had thought (key word there) that these years together were going just fine until a few months ago.

She lays out this ultimatum of sorts, we need to find ourselves and explore, if we don’t try harder we will lose each other. We start going to our own separate counselors, and I feel like things are moving forward pretty good. We used to sell hand made leather horse tack, and would frequently take short trips out of town together to deliver. One day work got in the way (this happened just before the Ultimatum), and I couldn’t go so she went by herself to deliver the tack to a new customer we met, a nice guy, mid-thirties (about 6 years older than us). He quickly becomes a friend and she continues to this day to talk to him. Well I begin to notice her acting out of the ordinary. It went from us keeping our phones charging in the bathroom each night, to her hiding it in the bed. She would change screens when I got close, she would laugh in the other room, when I came to investigate she would be texting, I would sneak up behind her, see his name, and she would quickly shake it off as nothing or try to switch to her Facebook app mid text.

I got brave one night and snuck her phone out from under the blankets to check the texts, texts would go from first thing in the morning, to just before she came into the bedroom to bed, with conversations appearing to make no sense with gaps or long periods of time without texts when I already knew there were texts (the conversations present were normal friendly things.) We went out one night to play frisbee in the park across from our house, I had to go in for a drink, but thought on my way back I would play PI and do the sneaky sneak behind her, she was busy watching towards the house and didn’t see me sneak up. I come up behind and she’s texting again (texts always seem innocent but have winky faces). I see part of a picture, nothing strange about it, but when I say hello she jumps and quickly exits the text, she’s very visibly shaken, her hands are shaking trying to show me a picture she just took of herself. At this point I decide to keep a constant eye on her phone so I pair it with my computer. At one point I notice that as I’m reading the texts being sent they are being quickly deleted, even perfectly innocent ones. One text read something like “you’re so flirty and sweet, you’re in my head and I need to know how you feel about me”. She had come into the room so I had to exit, it was probably midnight, she was texting so I asked who it was, it took her a minute to reply with an honest answer, I think its far too late for “friends” to be texting so I say so and ask what they are talking about, she says something I can’t even remember, so I ask to see because this late at night is suspicious to me. She says, “well I just deleted them so I have nothing to show, but don’t worry we’re JUST friends, and I’ve deleted texts because I know you can get jealous and are sensitive so I’m looking out for your feelings.” This continues, even though I asked her not to text so late, she will find an excuse to leave the room and the phone is glued to her side. One night she tells me I love you but I’m not in love with you, and I haven’t been in years and I’m just realizing it. I felt so shocked and hurt and confused as to what had gone wrong. She says we can work on getting back to that point, but watching the phone records (because my computer was disconnected from her phone and I can’t get into her phone), she’s still texting from sunup to sundown with OM. I forgot to add, I told her if there was nothing to hide, I will just ask him to show me the texts or I want to recover the texts, she says "oh so now you don't trust me". Thoughts?

Well, everyone has their own boundaries.
Your wife has LOOOOOOOOOOONG AGO passed boundaries that I would accept.
I would have an intervention, so to speak, and she would end all texting, relationships, friendships with this other man....or men. The phones are left setting on the table and out in the open (no texting all day long and keeping it with you) and I get to see everything on her phone at the drop of a hat any time I request it.
I very sternly tell her I 100% consider this inappropriate, out of bounds....an emotional affair, as the husband and on behalf of the MARRIAGE we are each expected to honor and put above ourselves I tell her it is hurting me, hurting our marriage, gives me pain and worry, stress, anxiety and that she drops this friendship and all contact immediately. I do not ACCEPT any of her push back or excuses because they are all meaningless crap to me.
Furthermore she is not to make any business trips by herself as she has proven 100% that she cannot be trusted.
The bottom line is....I just refuse to have this in my life. I refuse to live with the drama and hurt.

Lastly I actually mean it. I mean it to the core of my being. If she doesn't immediately accept it, shows concern, remorse that she is hurting the marriage and acting inappropriately and willingly give up ANOTHER MAN at the request of her husband and become completely transparent then I mean what I say.....I WILL NOT LIVE LIKE THIS AND WILL NOT HAVE IT IN MY LIFE.......I love myself and will not settle for crap.

I 100% divorce her and close my heart and turn my back on her. She becomes dead to me and never even talk to her again (unless the divorce procedures require some minimal business dealings)

So many people on here drives me nuts and I feel like pulling my hair out sometimes listening to or "reading" all the stuff they accept....they are miserable, paranoid, tense, stressed, hurting, full of anxiety and drama.....they fret and worry while their spouse is doing shady stuff or making selfish decisions that hurt their mate but the mate just takes it under some guise of not being "controlling" or trust or freedom or whatever.

PUT A STOP TO IT RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!
Friday May first at 3:50p.m. EST.
Do not go to bed tonight until this is 100% settled and she understands 100% your feelings, that she is hurting the marriage, you will not accept it and she stops it ALL immediately.......OR
you head to a lawyer by early next week and serve her with divorce papers.

I'm dead, freaking serious. Do not accept any of this crap.

Not in love with you?
Cry me a freaking river. That is a load of crap. All people can fall out of love and few feel in love for loooooong marriages.
Does she expect to feel butterflies like when you first started dating....for 30-50 years straight?
Feeling in love all the time isn't a prerequisite for marriage.
All you can do about that is to work at it. Staying "in love" takes a lot of freaking work.
Express love to each other continuously in each others love language.
Stay fit and healthy and try to be attractive, clean and hygienic for each other, dress nice, take pride in your appearance.
Date and court each other forever. Always go out and do things together and try new things and visit new places and surprise each other.
You each have to continually work at it to keep romance alive and not let habits and boredom and routine set in. That still isn't an automatic out for the marriage.

Do not be afraid to divorce her. Do not fear anything.
There is NO REASON at at all you have to accept this for even one more day.

Take the initiative right now. YOU are her husband. She has promised all of herself TO YOU.......above all other men on Earth.
You have no obligation to accept her having affection and too much attention and personal time with ANY OTHER MAN (family issues and dad's and brothers of course do not really apply to this)

Be a strong man. Decide to not accept this in your life and marriage and take non-negotiable action immediately. If she chooses this man, her selfishness, her freedom, her rights and all that over honoring your as her husband and getting rid of anything that is hurting the marriage....then DIVORCE HER.

DO NOT SETTLE.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,815 Posts
NoMore,

You wrote, One day work got in the way (this happened just before the Ultimatum), and I couldn’t go so she went by herself to deliver the tack to a new customer we met, a nice guy, mid-thirties (about 6 years older than us). He quickly becomes a friend and she continues to this day to talk to him

This is not uncommon, on here and in my experience OM types work very fast and know how to seduce a woman emotionally. I would suspect your WW is not the only woman this man is grooming for a phyical affair partner so your WW is nothing special to him as she now believes.

You will lose your WW and possibly half or more of your wealth to a man who is going to destroy her life then drop her like garbage, he might stick around long enought to drink all her money if that counts as loyalty.

Your WW is already ready to have sex with him if it hasn't happened, where there is an addiction there is a way.

You need to get the dirt on this OM.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,181 Posts
I forgot to add, I told her if there was nothing to hide, I will just ask him to show me the texts or I want to recover the texts, she says "oh so now you don't trust me". Thoughts?
When an innocent person is accused, they'll give a direct, "not no but hell no". When they try to distance themselves by answering a question with another question and accusing you, they are likely deceitful. Hidding a phone from an SO always indicates deceit. Take it from there Dawg.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
513 Posts
I would check the phone but it now has a new passcode to get into it. And one text from the OM to her said they were just friends when she asked about his feelings. I mentioned it could have turned into and EA even if she hadn't meant for it to happen, ya know sometimes people can become infatuated with someone for different reasons. She's firm that she's not cheating and admitted they had exchanged a lot of flirting texts, but he's just a friend. I can't shake the feeling she really is emotionally attached.
Tell her seeing is believing, give up the passcode.
Tell her she gives it up, or her inaction is proving she is cheating.
Tell her if she leaves the room with that phone, you will assist her in packing, and then you call loverboy and inform him that she is on her way and he can pick her up at the bus station.
If this doesn't appeal to you, anything that shows swift, decisive, take no **** action will suffice.
Study up on the 180. Prepare to implement it.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,434 Posts
Tell her seeing is believing, give up the passcode.
Tell her she gives it up, or her inaction is proving she is cheating.
Tell her if she leaves the room with that phone, you will assist her in packing, and then you call loverboy and inform him that she is on her way and he can pick her up at the bus station.
If this doesn't appeal to you, anything that shows swift, decisive, take no **** action will suffice.
Study up on the 180. Prepare to implement it.
No have to disagree here. He should just file for divorce.
 
1 - 20 of 186 Posts
Top