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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi everyone,

I'm new here and i want to tell my story and get other peoples opinions please.

Up until a few moths ago my marriage was great, i have been married for 12 years but been with my partner for 18, we have 2 kids. Around Xmas time i felt something was changing and i asked my wife if everything was ok a number of times, she said everything was fine and we were getting on really well.

I still had a gut feeling that something was not right so when paying her phone bill i checked the call/sms usage and there was a number on there that had been sent 25 sms messages over a 2 week period while i was at work or sleeping. These sms had been deleted from her phone and i began to think something was not right, i then checked her phone contacts and the number was what i thought was an old male friend.

This was beginning to eat me up so i looked in her phone again and the first few lines of his and her txts were there to see in the phone history. He was trying to get her to have sex with him and she did eventually said no there was a great deal flirting going on between them. She was saying that if she was single she would and that what she wants and can have were not the same thing, eventulaly he said yes or no and she said she would love to but no unfortunatly no. that was the end of the txts to each other.
I confronted her about this straight away and she knew she was caught. this guy was someone she admitted to having sex with before meeting me. I asked how he got her number and she said she gave him it after her started sending messages on fb.

I feel totally betrayed and a few weeks later i am struggling with it, i love my wife and she says she loves me and does not want anyone else, she says our relationship, sex, etc, etc is great. I have major trust issues with her now even though i know she said no to him.

Is this regarded as sexting or am i overreacting ???

All opinions are welcome

sorry for the long post!:confused:
 

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Yep. That's sexting.

First, you trusted your gut and that speaks volumes, man. Second, if you're here asking then you're not overreacting at all. Yeah, she may have said "no" to him in the physical manner, but she was still flirting away with another dude...and another dude who she's had sex with already to boot! She actively gave him her number - I call that fishing...whether or not she followed through is immaterial. Intent showed through with her texts and more than likely the facebook chats. She said she'd "love" to bang the guy!!

My opinion is she needs to be transparent now...all passwords and access to accounts and stuff. That should help a bit with your trust, but you still need to address the 800 pound gorilla in the room: WHY?
 

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Congratulations. You may have caught it before it went physical. It may have not been her first rodeo tho.

Tell her she has now given up the right to privacy.

Watch out for burner phones. VAR her car next gut feeling you get.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Thanks for the quick reply. I do have access to her facebook and email, etc,etc. i insisted that she unfriend and block him and i am toying with the idea of getting her to remove him from her contacts list and changing her phone number. She said that she knew this was going to far and that she was hoping he would have texted her back so she could tell him to stop but i think she is only saying this because she was caught. she insists that nothing would have happened physically but i feel like i have been cheated on.

What do you think about changing her number???
 

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Sexting -- "the sending of sexually explicit photos, images, text messages, or e-mails by using a cell phone or other mobile device. "

What you have described is not sexting. You did not find sexually explicit photos or sexually graphic messages.

What you descirbe is some flirting.
 

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If the roles were reversed would she have been so forgiving and accepting as you have been. I am sorry to say but there is something wrong in your marriage for your wife to engage in this sexting. She disrespected you as a man and spouse. You need marriage counseling. This is very serious. Good luck.
 

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Hi everyone,

I'm new here and i want to tell my story and get other peoples opinions please.

Up until a few moths ago my marriage was great, i have been married for 12 years but been with my partner for 18, we have 2 kids. Around Xmas time i felt something was changing and i asked my wife if everything was ok a number of times, she said everything was fine and we were getting on really well.

I still had a gut feeling that something was not right so when paying her phone bill i checked the call/sms usage and there was a number on there that had been sent 25 sms messages over a 2 week period while i was at work or sleeping. These sms had been deleted from her phone and i began to think something was not right, i then checked her phone contacts and the number was what i thought was an old male friend.

This was beginning to eat me up so i looked in her phone again and the first few lines of his and her txts were there to see in the phone history. He was trying to get her to have sex with him and she did eventually said no there was a great deal flirting going on between them. She was saying that if she was single she would and that what she wants and can have were not the same thing, eventulaly he said yes or no and she said she would love to but no unfortunatly no. that was the end of the txts to each other.
I confronted her about this straight away and she knew she was caught. this guy was someone she admitted to having sex with before meeting me. I asked how he got her number and she said she gave him it after her started sending messages on fb.

I feel totally betrayed and a few weeks later i am struggling with it, i love my wife and she says she loves me and does not want anyone else, she says our relationship, sex, etc, etc is great. I have major trust issues with her now even though i know she said no to him.

Is this regarded as sexting or am i overreacting ???

All opinions are welcome

sorry for the long post!:confused:
It is called cheating.

This was all just a dance to eventually have sex. You want to put a label on it and that is all well and good but this is NOT just flirting either. It is way beyond inappapropriate. It may be the start of an EA but this is sexual in nature. She is being unfaithful.
 

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Thanks for the quick reply. I do have access to her facebook and email, etc,etc. i insisted that she unfriend and block him and i am toying with the idea of getting her to remove him from her contacts list and changing her phone number. She said that she knew this was going to far and that she was hoping he would have texted her back so she could tell him to stop but i think she is only saying this because she was caught. she insists that nothing would have happened physically but i feel like i have been cheated on.

What do you think about changing her number???
I think changing her phone number is absolutely something to do as well as totally block him on facebook. For now, I know on our Android phones my wife and I can block numbers for both calls and texts. Front line defense here.

Even though she insists nothing physical would have happened, she never got to that bar in the middle of another town with him and had a few drinks and swapped old "remember when" stories. Yeah. It woulda gotten physical...she just doesn't want to accept that she's capable.

You feel like you have been cheated on because you have. Look, man...there are plenty of people on this forum who have had their spouse do "nothing" but sex chat with people and they've divorced. Fact is infidelity doesn't have to be physical.
 

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Thanks for the quick reply. I do have access to her facebook and email, etc,etc. i insisted that she unfriend and block him and i am toying with the idea of getting her to remove him from her contacts list and changing her phone number. She said that she knew this was going to far and that she was hoping he would have texted her back so she could tell him to stop but i think she is only saying this because she was caught. she insists that nothing would have happened physically but i feel like i have been cheated on.

What do you think about changing her number???
She is not being honest with you. Her telling a man she would like to have sex with him but cannot is not a no. It is a tease. It is I really want you so keep trying.
 

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She is not being honest with you. Her telling a man she would like to have sex with him but cannot is not a no. It is a tease. It is I really want you so keep trying.
This...right here...THIS is f'ng key, man.

Case in point, my wife when she began her affair said, "We really can't/shouldn't be doing this."

In the end, that was nothing more than a way to heighten the sexual tension and add to the lust in their hearts. I know this because she has told me.

Nix it now!
 

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Bony,

Make sure you check her phone for messaging apps, like Kik.

She could still be communicating with him, but not via traditional texting.
 

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She was saying that if she was single she would and that what she wants and can have were not the same thing, eventulaly he said yes or no and she said she would love to but no unfortunatly no.
To me this is obviously the second act in the affair continuum. Already in an EA, WS initially rejects the PA, but not in such a way to discourage the POSOM from continuing the seduction dance.

Left unchecked, WS eventually succumbs to PA, but can rationalize that she "tried" to be honorable. Never mind that all the while she allowed the EA to continue.

By admitting that she wants to but can't, she's practically giving him an open invitation to continue to pursue the PA.

You need to alpha up now. Demand a no contact letter and complete transparency from her. Get her passwords and continue to check phone records. Expose to his significant other if there is one. Covertly monitor her with key logger, VAR, and spyware.

Maybe, just maybe, you caught it in time to prevent the PA.
 

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Case in point, my wife when she began her affair said, "We really can't/shouldn't be doing this."
In the end, that was nothing more than a way to heighten the sexual tension and add to the lust in their hearts. I know this because she has told me.Nix it now!
Also called foreplay.
 

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There were explicit sms sent by him and she admitted enjoying it???
Dude, she was in contact with an EX lover. This is just wrong even if they just discussed the good times they had.

But she interacted with him and ate this up. She said she wanted to but could not.

She was saying that if she was single she would and that what she wants and can have were not the same thing, eventulaly he said yes or no and she said she would love to but no unfortunatly no.
This says I want sex with you. This is way beyond enjoying hearing he wants sex with her. She wants just as much as him. I am not sure what you are looking for. I get that you are trying to deal with it.

What are you boundaries? Be advised their affair may have just gotten started but this is not over.

Does she have other male friends?
 

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You can't say "This is sexting." It is what it is. If you're not comfortable with it, it must stop. Make her feel the urgency of the matter.
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Have her change her number and deactivate her Facebook.
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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Thanks for the replies guys and girls, she has allowed me access to phone records, email, fb etc. she is willing to change her number and said she will do anything to keep us together. i will get her to change her number and the guy has been blocked on fb.

I know the guy is not in my country at the moment and i want to see if he tries to contact her when he returns, she says she wants to tell him not to contact her ever again if he tries too.

I want to work things out but she has been told any contact after this with him whatsoever will result in the end of our marriage!

Thanks for all the opinions
 
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