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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited by Moderator)
My husband called from work at 4 pm to say that he "forgot" there was an afterwork get-together at a pub to celebrate the completion of a project by some colleagues.

He said he was tired and would just "stop by" and "not stay long". He asked if I was ok with that and I said I was. He then said again that he would just be "stopping by and not staying long" but I could come if I wanted. It didn't make sense for me to drive 30 minutes to visit for 20 minutes in a pub so I said no.

I checked in with him about the 20 minute part and he again told me he just wanted to tell his colleagues a quick "atta-boy".

Plus with covid we've been avoiding crowded places like pubs. He ended the phone call by saying once again that he'd just be stopping by to congratulate his colleagues.

By 8:45 pm he was still not home and he had not contacted me. I thought about texting him but kept thinking he'd be home any minute. I made dinner since I assumed getting off at 5 and "stopping by and not staying long" meant he'd be home by at least 7 pm.

At first I wasn't upset but as the evening dragged on I got angry at his rudeness. I'm pretty easygoing normally --- his work closes at 5 but he usually doesn't come home till 6:30-7.

He brings work home with him. He's not very punctual and I understand that about him. But this feels different.

He's done this before with social work gatherings --- making them sound like they're something I really wouldn't want to attend --- and then staying a long time without checking in with me. When he got home he acted like nothing was wrong.

I was angry and asked why he hadn't contacted me when it was obvious his plans had changed. He was shocked I was upset.

He said he thought because I'd been ok with his plans earlier that everything was fine - it didn't even cross his mind to call. He said a half-hearted "sorry" and nothing else.

This made me even madder. He showed absolutely no understanding of how it felt for me to wait, to make dinner and wait, and to have no communication.

We've been married a long time. I encourage him to have time with his friends.

But I also want him to communicate what's happening so I don't worry and can go about my own stuff.

When he acts rude like this it feels so selfish to me. Am I wrong to feel this way?
 

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My husband called from work at 4 pm to say that he "forgot" there was an afterwork get-together at a pub to celebrate the completion of a project by some colleagues. He said he was tired and would just "stop by" and "not stay long". He asked if I was ok with that and I said I was. He then said again that he would just be "stopping by and not staying long" but I could come if I wanted. It didn't make sense for me to drive 30 minutes to visit for 20 minutes in a pub so I said no. I checked in with him about the 20 minute part and he again told me he just wanted to tell his colleagues a quick "atta-boy". Plus with covid we've been avoiding crowded places like pubs. He ended the phone call by saying once again that he'd just be stopping by to congratulate his colleagues. By 8:45 pm he was still not home and he had not contacted me. I thought about texting him but kept thinking he'd be home any minute. I made dinner since I assumed getting off at 5 and "stopping by and not staying long" meant he'd be home by at least 7 pm. At first I wasn't upset but as the evening dragged on I got angry at his rudeness. I'm pretty easygoing normally --- his work closes at 5 but he usually doesn't come home till 6:30-7. He brings work home with him. He's not very punctual and I understand that about him. But this feels different. He's done this before with social work gatherings --- making them sound like they're something I really wouldn't want to attend --- and then staying a long time without checking in with me. When he got home he acted like nothing was wrong. I was angry and asked why he hadn't contacted me when it was obvious his plans had changed. He was shocked I was upset. He said he thought because I'd been ok with his plans earlier that everything was fine - it didn't even cross his mind to call. He said a half-hearted "sorry" and nothing else. This made me even madder. He showed absolutely no understanding of how it felt for me to wait, to make dinner and wait, and to have no communication. We've been married a long time. I encourage him to have time with his friends. But I also want him to communicate what's happening so I don't worry and can go about my own stuff. When he acts rude like this it feels so selfish to me. Am I wrong to feel this way?
It sounds odd. He is minimizing his behavior at least. If I were you, and it happens again, I might consider showing up, without telling him, just to see what exactly he is doing. Are there any female colleagues there? He could be doing nothing wrong, but he was inconsiderate of your time, and not very truthful...I think he just didn't want you there. Not sure why though.

I would consider doing the same thing to him though, I know it seems childish, but sometimes spouses need a taste of their own medicine.
 

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It was rude, inconsiderate, and thoughtless.
I can understand the office politics.
I can understand the 15-20 minute "Passthru."
However, the fact that he didn't do what he said he was going to do, and leaving you hanging with dinner is inexcusable.
You have every right to be pissed. If he does it again, show up unannounced and get the first hand story.
 

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Often times these after work happy hours are also part of the company culture. Usually the person who avoids them is at a disadvantage when it comes time for promotions and new positions. He should have just told you that he'd be home late, he was trying to soften the blow which obviously didn't work.
 

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Many times when you go to these events, to make your presence for a short time and then dip out but you get coworkers or sometimes even a manager, rag on you for wanting to leave quickly, so you end up feeling obligated to stay longer. I do think he should have called or at least texted you out courtesy but if this is the first time he’s done this, cut him some slack. You’ve already said your peace and I’m sure he will be more thoughtful next time.
 

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I would suggest going to the next one. If he suddenly wants to leave early, you will know he just doesn't want you there. If you are enjoying yourself and he wants to leave, tell him you will be along shortly and then stay as long as you want.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
It sounds odd. He is minimizing his behavior at least. If I were you, and it happens again, I might consider showing up, without telling him, just to see what exactly he is doing. Are there any female colleagues there? He could be doing nothing wrong, but he was inconsiderate of your time, and not very truthful...I think he just didn't want you there. Not sure why though.

I would consider doing the same thing to him though, I know it seems childish, but sometimes spouses need a taste of their own medicine.
All very good ideas if it happens again! I hate the idea of doing the same thing to him but sometimes I think he really doesn't know what it feels like since no one has ever done it to him. At least, as far as I know. I also wondered if he just didn't want me there but if that were the case then he didn't need to invite me at all. I have no problem with him doing things on his own. My beef is with him not communicating when plans change. As far as female colleagues...that did cross my mind --- but then why invite me? My darkest thoughts were that he wanted to go alone because there was a female he wanted to chat with but he also wanted to be a "nice guy" so half-heartedly invited me knowing I would decline and then he could go by himself with a "clear conscience". I sure hope that wasn't the case!
 

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As far as female colleagues...that did cross my mind --- but then why invite me?
He could have done that so you wouldn't seem suspicious. I can see you are not the jealous type, you have a healthy attachment, it's just the fact that he didn't respect you or your time, and didn't honor his promise to be home when he said he would. I would keep an eye on it. But I'd say go next time just to scope it out, and see if anyone acts odd, especially any women. Know your surroundings, or his rather.
 

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Annoyed yes. Upset? Seems a bit over the top.

He should have called. You made dinner and were inconvenienced. He didn't seem to care. That's an issue that needs to be addressed. Make it clear that you expected him home earlier based on what he said and a phone call was in order. At the very least next time he goes out and doesn't call, don't make dinner for him. It doesn't solve the underlying issue which is his lack of consideration and respect, but it's better than nothing.

Anything else he might or might not have been doing with someone else is unsubstantiated and for the purposes of your question are irrelevant.
 

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When alcohol is taken in, time goes out the window.

When that manic high goes low, then it is time to skedaddle, to go home to Momma.
 
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I understand why you're upset. My husband has done this before too and it drives me nuts. I have no problem with him going out with his friends or workmates, if plans change let me know, that's all I ask.

I don't care if he comes home at 8pm or midnight, just be where he said he'd be, when he said he'd be there.
 

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He should have communicated, and he should also know that sometimes social situations like that, time flies.

The fact that he was so reassuring about his plan ahead of time, to me indicates that he is eager to try to do what you want and perhaps afraid to just tell the truth about his potential plans.

Do you jump on him often? I think you also could have texted him and it was somewhat of game to not and then get upset.

I get what you are upset about and you are correct that he should have contacted you, but I'm just trying to read between the lines of why he would do what he did, and it comes off to me that he might be a little afraid of your responses to things.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
I think I'm pretty easygoing about most things. If he had said he didn't know how long he'd be, I would've been okay with that because then I could've just gone about my evening not waiting for him to return at an assumed time. I wasn't trying to play a game by not texting. Truth is I was afraid to text and not get a response. Unfortunately this scenario has happened before and when I tried contacting him, he didn't respond which felt really awful. We've talked a lot about communicating better in these situations but he continues to be inconsistent and I never know when it's going to happen so I'm caught off guard. It's an interesting idea that he might be a little afraid of my responses to things and thus overcompensating by saying what he thinks I want to hear. That could possibly be the case but I'm pretty sure that as long as I'm communicated with in a reasonable manner I'm totally okay with things. And I don't have to be communicated with often --- one text or call when plans change is sufficient. I have repeatedly told him very clearly and concisely what I expect from him (to keep in touch if plans change) but rather than being passive like I have been, I'm going to change my response if this crap happens again! I like the idea of not making dinner regardless of the plans. I also like the idea of showing up if he doesn't communicate - that might backfire but at least I won't be sitting at home fretting. And of course I can just do my own thing if he doesn't show up as expected - like go out for a really nice dinner or movie on his dime - ha-ha! I think coming home to a dark house is a good consequence. If he does this again in the same way --- inviting me but not really --- I could tell him okay but then I'm going out for the evening too and he can pay for it. This sounds much more empowered.
 

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I have done this before. Told my wife just stopping in at this thing, end up having a couple drinks. Go to leave and friends say, “Do you do everything your wife says? Do you call for permission to wipe your ass?” Etc… a couple more drinks, next thing you know it 40 mins turns into 5 hours and an angry wife.

You’re not wrong.

With that said there’s a little window into how it happens.

Do you want your husband to be the guy everyone at work says “meow” to? He should have called sure. I haven’t done it in a very long time like before text messaging, that seems to give you an easy out if you’re the guy. Did you text him?
 

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My husband called from work at 4 pm to say that he "forgot" there was an afterwork get-together at a pub to celebrate the completion of a project by some colleagues.

He said he was tired and would just "stop by" and "not stay long". He asked if I was ok with that and I said I was. He then said again that he would just be "stopping by and not staying long" but I could come if I wanted. It didn't make sense for me to drive 30 minutes to visit for 20 minutes in a pub so I said no.

I checked in with him about the 20 minute part and he again told me he just wanted to tell his colleagues a quick "atta-boy".

Plus with covid we've been avoiding crowded places like pubs. He ended the phone call by saying once again that he'd just be stopping by to congratulate his colleagues.

By 8:45 pm he was still not home and he had not contacted me. I thought about texting him but kept thinking he'd be home any minute. I made dinner since I assumed getting off at 5 and "stopping by and not staying long" meant he'd be home by at least 7 pm.

At first I wasn't upset but as the evening dragged on I got angry at his rudeness. I'm pretty easygoing normally --- his work closes at 5 but he usually doesn't come home till 6:30-7.

He brings work home with him. He's not very punctual and I understand that about him. But this feels different.

He's done this before with social work gatherings --- making them sound like they're something I really wouldn't want to attend --- and then staying a long time without checking in with me. When he got home he acted like nothing was wrong.

I was angry and asked why he hadn't contacted me when it was obvious his plans had changed. He was shocked I was upset.

He said he thought because I'd been ok with his plans earlier that everything was fine - it didn't even cross his mind to call. He said a half-hearted "sorry" and nothing else.

This made me even madder. He showed absolutely no understanding of how it felt for me to wait, to make dinner and wait, and to have no communication.

We've been married a long time. I encourage him to have time with his friends.

But I also want him to communicate what's happening so I don't worry and can go about my own stuff.

When he acts rude like this it feels so selfish to me. Am I wrong to feel this way?
I think you're right, as a point of consideration, that he should have called you and told you that he couldn't be back until about midnight.
It would have left your evening free for yourself to enjoy, instead of half-waiting for him to show up.
 

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My husband called from work at 4 pm to say that he "forgot" there was an afterwork get-together at a pub to celebrate the completion of a project by some colleagues.

He said he was tired and would just "stop by" and "not stay long". He asked if I was ok with that and I said I was. He then said again that he would just be "stopping by and not staying long" but I could come if I wanted. It didn't make sense for me to drive 30 minutes to visit for 20 minutes in a pub so I said no.

I checked in with him about the 20 minute part and he again told me he just wanted to tell his colleagues a quick "atta-boy".

Plus with covid we've been avoiding crowded places like pubs. He ended the phone call by saying once again that he'd just be stopping by to congratulate his colleagues.

By 8:45 pm he was still not home and he had not contacted me. I thought about texting him but kept thinking he'd be home any minute. I made dinner since I assumed getting off at 5 and "stopping by and not staying long" meant he'd be home by at least 7 pm.

At first I wasn't upset but as the evening dragged on I got angry at his rudeness. I'm pretty easygoing normally --- his work closes at 5 but he usually doesn't come home till 6:30-7.

He brings work home with him. He's not very punctual and I understand that about him. But this feels different.

He's done this before with social work gatherings --- making them sound like they're something I really wouldn't want to attend --- and then staying a long time without checking in with me. When he got home he acted like nothing was wrong.

I was angry and asked why he hadn't contacted me when it was obvious his plans had changed. He was shocked I was upset.

He said he thought because I'd been ok with his plans earlier that everything was fine - it didn't even cross his mind to call. He said a half-hearted "sorry" and nothing else.

This made me even madder. He showed absolutely no understanding of how it felt for me to wait, to make dinner and wait, and to have no communication.

We've been married a long time. I encourage him to have time with his friends.

But I also want him to communicate what's happening so I don't worry and can go about my own stuff.

When he acts rude like this it feels so selfish to me. Am I wrong to feel this way?
No he was being a ****!
 

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Insisting on a really short chain I guess. Bummer for him.
Not necessarily - she was understanding - until he made a liar out of himself.

He was rude and didn’t consider her feelings.
I’d be pissed… it’s like he pulled a fast one on her. I’d want to know why.

He could have just been honest. But instead he was a jerk about it.
 
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