Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 17 of 17 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
18 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
My husband and I have been married for a month. We are separate during the day (working) and spend the few hours we have together at night during the week together ... minus the late hours I might work, his gym workouts, other errands, etc. But on the weekends, we often split up - he going out to a bar, etc. with his friends, and I seeing mine.

Is this normal, to separate, and do activities apart? I know it is a good thing to have different interests, and it isn't as if I ever see him, but I thought we would spend more time together as a couple after we were married. Is this inaccurate?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,888 Posts
My husband and I did not spend our weekends apart. We rarely do now and we've been married for a while. We both stopped going to the bar without each other once we were engaged.

If I were you, I'd be making an effort to spend more time with your husband before you two drift apart. Spending time with your spouse is crucial in a marriage. My husband and I take out time every day or night with one on one time together. We usually spend the weekends together with the kids if its not hunting season.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,256 Posts
1.) There is no 'normal'; every couple has to work out what works for them.

2.) If you and he are BOTH HAPPY with the current situation, then it doesn't matter what other people think, it's YOUR marriage.

3.) If ONE or BOTH of you are unhappy with the current situation, then you need to do something about it. Someone's needs/expectations are NOT getting met.

If you thought/expected/wanted to spend more time together once you were married, then YOU need to make that clear to Hubby. Agree to a certain amount of "couple" time on the weekends. Whether it's both of you doing stuff with his friends, or your friends, or just the two of you, it needs to be something YOU CAN BOTH AGREE TO.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,768 Posts
Yes, if you are both happy with this arrangement than who are we to judge? But I am guessing you aren't happy or else you wouldn't be posting about it, right?

Why don't you guys spend time with each others friends,together? Are all of your friends single? Its more beneficial for your relationship to start making some mutual friends in my opinion.

When we were first married / seriously dating, I made an effort to give my H time to fit in with my friends and he did the same for me. Even the ones who were still single at that time. Now, years later, we are just as close to both sides.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
70 Posts
1.) There is no 'normal'; every couple has to work out what works for them.

2.) If you and he are BOTH HAPPY with the current situation, then it doesn't matter what other people think, it's YOUR marriage.

3.) If ONE or BOTH of you are unhappy with the current situation, then you need to do something about it. Someone's needs/expectations are NOT getting met.

If you thought/expected/wanted to spend more time together once you were married, then YOU need to make that clear to Hubby. Agree to a certain amount of "couple" time on the weekends. Whether it's both of you doing stuff with his friends, or your friends, or just the two of you, it needs to be something YOU CAN BOTH AGREE TO.
:iagree:

My wife and I have have separate circles of friends (as well as some mutual friends) and completely different hobbies. I'm a homebody, she likes to go to bars and hang out. I like the outdoors she hates them. On any weekend we spend either a considerable amount of time together or apart.

We still spend some time together and do "date nights" and things with mutual friends, but on some things we spend time apart. Its healthy. If you want more "together" time thats certainly understandable and you should tell him. At the same time, its not reasonable to ask someone to stop pursuing their individual pursuits.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
187 Posts
My wife and I have been married for 10 months and we frequently don't see each other on weekday evenings (she works "nine to five" and I work odd hours). We do, however, have our "date night" every week. Plus we spend as much time together as we can on the weekends - going out to dinner, shopping, etc., and even if it's just hanging out at home.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
450 Posts
Hubs and I stopped going out to bars alone once we became an 'item'. That was more than 19 years ago. Now we occasionally go together. Our opinion is that it's not a scene where an attached/married person belongs alone. If you both enjoy this kind of activity, is it out of the question for you to do it together? Are there other activities/FUN things you both enjoy that you could be doing to spend time together? Do you do those throughout the rest of the week? If not, when do you make time be a 'couple'?

H work schedule requires him to be gone 3 weeks; then home 3 weeks. We take advantage of every moment during the 3 wks. he's home taking turns planning dates, adventures, running errands, shopping, chillaxing, etc. We love the freedom to follow whatever whim moves us, but the price of it is high.
 
  • Like
Reactions: TBT

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,558 Posts
I would say that some of it is okay, people do need their own time. But if it continues this way, it will only get worse as the marriage goes on. You need to have activities that you both enjoy and want to do together or it will cause problems. My wife and I do not do very much together at all and I wish it were different. Try and fix it now before it is too late.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,138 Posts
My husband and I have been married for a month. We are separate during the day (working) and spend the few hours we have together at night during the week together ... minus the late hours I might work, his gym workouts, other errands, etc. But on the weekends, we often split up - he going out to a bar, etc. with his friends, and I seeing mine.

Is this normal, to separate, and do activities apart? I know it is a good thing to have different interests, and it isn't as if I ever see him, but I thought we would spend more time together as a couple after we were married. Is this inaccurate?
I don't know if it's normal, but if you want my opinion, I don't think it's healthy long-term to spend few hours together on the weekend.

Why is he going to a bar without you? Of all the places he could go to this has one of the highest potentials for causing problems in your relationship.

Some marriage therapists recommend couples spend about 15 hours a week together. 20 hours if it's a troubled marriage. Now I know that sounds like a lot of hours! But if you have an hour or two on the weekday evenings (making dinner, eating together, talking, sex, etc.) and a couple of hours together on the weekend, you can easily get to 15 hours. However, if you're spending most of your weekend time apart, you're not going to have much time together. Over time you can find yourself disconnected from each other, feeling like good friends or rommmates instead of spouses. Leading separate independent lives isn't good for marriage in the long-term.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,969 Posts
My husband and I have been married for a month. We are separate during the day (working) and spend the few hours we have together at night during the week together ... minus the late hours I might work, his gym workouts, other errands, etc. But on the weekends, we often split up - he going out to a bar, etc. with his friends, and I seeing mine.

Is this normal, to separate, and do activities apart? I know it is a good thing to have different interests, and it isn't as if I ever see him, but I thought we would spend more time together as a couple after we were married. Is this inaccurate?
My husband and I are also newlyweds, only married for a few months, and we always spend our weekends together. We also make sure to try to have a date night once a week or every other week. We don't see each other that often during the week because of work and school schedules, but the weekend is for us. We'll go out together to meet up with friends, but we aren't separated during the weekend. Why not go to the bar with your husband? I think it would be good to try to do more things as a couple.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
52 Posts
Been married for 3 years, we don't spend weekends apart, or even the majority of weeknights either. A couple nights a week I might go shopping, or get together with girlfriends, but I always make sure to be home at a reasonable hour so I can spend some time with the H too. He does the same for me, if he hangs out with his buddies.

Weekends are off limits, they are "us" time.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
211 Posts
I agree with other posters. Do what is best for you, dont let other people tell you that your way is wrong.
 
1 - 17 of 17 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top