Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 9 of 9 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
2 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I married my husband when we were both 17. We had only been together for 4 months, 1 month of that we didn't see each other b/c I got caught sneaking out to see him and was forbidden from seeing him. After a month of sneaking phone calls, and sneaking off the school bus , and begging my mom to let me just move out, I got caught once again and she caved and said we could get married, she didn't think we would go through with it. 3 weeks into the marriage he turned 18 and his ex (who lived in another state and who he wouldn't tell he was married b/c he didn't want to hurt HER feelings) sent a really nice tommy shirt and her mother sent him a cake. When the present arrived he went in our room and when I went in to follow he slammed the door on me and told me to get the F out, nice right!! He refused to return the gift, again b/c he didn't want to hurt her feelings, never mind that he was hurting me his WIFE!! He nver sent it back he gave it to his friend.

Being young and dumb I couldn't just let it go, when I would talk with him about it he would tell me I was over reacting and he didn't do anything wrong. Well the ex called his mother's house to see if he got the gift and his mom told her he was now married, when my spouse found out he was furious. I don't think I was being unreasonable in expecting him to put me before his ex. Five months into our marriage he shipped out to GA for basic training, we could only communicate through letters. After the way we started our marriage I didn't trust that he wasn't still communicating with his ex. During his mid cycle pass, where we could go visit with him, it was my 18th b-day and things went great, he was happy to see me other than he told I still needed to lose weight ( I only weighed 120lbs @ 5'6"). When he graduated, he wan't so happy to see me, he still wanted me to lose weight, this weight thing started before he left for the army. His first station was in Korea, and I couldn't go, i got my first job working with animals and I loved it. I did gain some weight at this point, I weighed 135. His dad died and he came home for a week, after he went back he was trying every thing he could to get out after less than a year of service. He came home a week after his b-day, no gift from his ex came YAY.
The next year was rough we had a lot of problems, I started to work at TGI Fridays, and guys would hit on me all the time, give me there #'s, ask me out. It felt weird being at work and being told how hot u are and then going home and hearing how fat and repulsive u are. On New Years Eve we went to this family thing downtown b/c we were not old enough to drink and stuff. I saw some friends from work in a bar, and we all thought I could go in and get them to buy us some beer because I was the only one that could get in a club, being that I was 18 and a girl.Well I got in there and was actually enjoying myself and decided I didn't want to spend my night being misarable so I stayed inside without telling my husband. The night went on with them sending messages in for me to come out and I wouldn't, we ended up leaving out a back door and I spent the night with these "friends". The next morning I went home and the next month was hell. I wanted a divorce but he said he would die if I left him, feeling like everything was my fault I stayed. In late march I found out I was pregnant, he didn't think the baby was his, for the record I never cheated. Throughout the next 8 months he told me he would leave if I didn't lose the weight I had gained while pregnant, my grandmother was dying from cancer, he started college and started a relationship with another girl b/c he needed "companionship" ( he never tryed to have that with me, he is very private and doesn't talk to me), my grandmother died, I turned 20, and on November 7 my son was born. What should have been a joy wasn't because I hated the life I had with my husband.
We are still together, we just had our 10 year anniversary on April 24. We now have another son, and have seperated several times, always ending with him swearing he will change so I come back. And nothing ever changes, big surprise. All I have ever wanted from him was to be loved unconditionally, for him to show me some type of affection (he never hugs or kisses me, anytime I try to hug or kiss him he pulls away), companionship, intamcy (he always wants a bj and sex but never wants to do anything for me), trust (I'm not aloud to make any decisions without his approval or he gets really mad). I don't have any friends, none. I don't have a checking account and I'm not on his and he won't put on it. So I have to ask permission to spend any money other than on groceries. I work part time now on the weekends so he can be home with our kids, my pacheck goes directly into his checking account. He is very controlling and has never once said he was sorry for hurting me nor does he think he has ever done anything wrong in our marriage.
Last nite I was giving our dog a bath, he sheds really bad and we don't have the money to take him to the groomers so I shaved his hair and he looks great. We had previously talked about this and he said he didn't want me to cut the dogs hair he wanted to take him to be groomed. He was so mad, he went on about how he doesn't know why he bothers to tell me anything b/c I never do what he says. I fight his attempts to control me every step I can. One night I was using the restroom (i was going #2, TMI i know) he came banging on the door telling me to hurry, I said I wan't done he said it doesn't take that long to go to the bathroom and to get out now. He was really pissed at me. For the past 2 years he has slept on the couch, his choice, now he sleeps in my bed again but I hate it, so I end up on the couch.
It feels like we stay married so we don't have to put the kids through a divorce, but this isn't much better. He says its so they can be raised by both their parents. I have no college education so I can't make enough money to stay where we live now I would have to move back in with my mother. I have stayed at home the last 8 years to raise our kids, I cook every night for him and the kids, I fix his lunch every morning, I do all the house work with out asking him for any help, I'm not perfect (which is what he wants all the time) I am now really overweight 235lbs. I don't know why I have let myself get this fat, I make all kinds of excuses for it.
I recently made the decision to get healthy and go to college, I start nursing school in the fall. My long term plan is to wait until our kids are out of college and then get divorced and live my life. But until then I will be unhappy.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4 Posts
It sounds like you are misreable...I am sorry your marriage has been such a tough ride! Sounds like you have given him everything and it's time for you to give YOURSELF some pampering. You need to start to think more about yourself and what YOU need. If you have made the decision to lose the weight and go back to school, GOOD FOR YOU. Create a 5 year plan and stick with it. He should be willing to help out with the kids while you are helping yourself.
Good Luck :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
77 Posts
Well, the first step is to take care of yourself. I think the weight gained is the result of you trying to protect yourself somehow, from everything to deal with him. So, maybe is time you start taking care of yourself and get into something to improve yourself in every way you can, love yourself, and you'll be strong enough to get out of a marriage that clearly makes you misserable.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
121 Posts
I agree with all the above. You need to find a councelor and a lawyer to help you emotionally and legally. You have a long-term relationship and should be able to get help from your lawyer to get your husband to help you financially. If he isn't willing to seek help for his abuse then he needs to go. Look after yourself and your sons. You do not need them learning how not to treat a woman from their dad. Stop the cycle`if he is unwilling to change, he needs to be out of your life for good.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
38 Posts
First, I'm so sorry you're going through this. You have been & are amazingly strong. More than 10 years of this kind of a relationship! It sounds like you are taking some steps to take care of yourself for a change, and that is exactly what, imho, you need.
Children pick up on things, even if they don't see or comprehend what is going on, then still know and sense that something is not right. "Divorce" does not have to be a dirty word, and as far as I know, if he is the bread-winner, then he will have to continue supporting you and the kids no matter what.
But just because he is the bread-winner, he has absolutely no right to treat you like you are less than you are or to keep you from being who you want to be. Good luck and our thoughts are with you!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
34 Posts
WOw...my heart goes out to you and while I understand your staying for your kids I think you really need to leave. My husband has told me from things he has read and I have read them to that the moms happiness is tied very closely to the kids happiness. You will be a better mom if you are out of this abusive relationship. My parents stayed together too long (until I moved out for college) and when they finally did split my reaction was that it should have happened sooner. Don't stay for the kids because they will probably be happier if you don't. He will have to pay child support and most likely money for you as well. It's time to take care of yourself and in turn take care of your kids. You all deserve a better and happier life.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
34 Posts
First off, This is not love.... I am sorry that you have to put up with someone like that. Your mom should never have let the two of you get married at such a young age...

My question to you is: Is your paycheck set up for direct deposit into his bank account?

Have you ever thought of opening your own bank account (at a different bank then his)?

The reasons why I ask you this is because if your paycheck is deposited directly into his account you can ask the HR person (or whoever handles payroll at your company) if you can have a small amount (so hubby doesn't notice) deposited in your account (that you never ever touch; until you leave). Then the difference will go to his account. For example, say you have $25 sent to your account every paycheck (4 paychecks a month) that is $1300 a year and if you are on a 5 year plan this will turn into $6500.

This will be enough for you to get out and find your own place...

Next Question: Are you home during the week while he works? If so, why not go for walks? Trying walking daily. This will help you clear your head, lose weight, and you will get some fresh (which is always nice). If Hubby asks why your loosing weight, play dumb and say. I am. That way he doesn't get any ideas...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,188 Posts
You weigh what you weigh because eating is the ONLY thing that feels good, isn't it? You have been eating your hurt, anger, and resentment away and it is now firmly implanted on your hips, tummy, torso, lets.

You have "Need a Divorce Liposis".

It IS curable! :smthumbup:

Starting nursing school is a perfect prescription #1.

Next, go the financial aide office at the school, find an older women advisor, confess to her you situation.

ASK her if there are any scholarship funds for "Displaced Homemakers" IF she says "Yes" then go file for divorce.

Divorce is prescription #2.

If you are happy with having just the kids you have:

A tubal ligation is prescription #3. I say this because in order to get yourself out of your "old, this isn't working" life, more kids is one of the last things you could possibly need in life and pregnancy happens at the worse possible time and holds women back from their potential (unless baby is WELL planned).

Good luck! I think you are going to do well. Just be good to yourself and dump your spouse, he is taking you DOWN and that isn't good.
 
1 - 9 of 9 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top