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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I found this site tonight, while seeking ideas to improve the sex life in my marriage.

I met my husband at 18. He was in his early 20's. He was an amazing lover. I admit...as the kids came one after another barely two years apart...I was often tired. And he worked night shift and thought nothing of waking me up at 3-4am to make love. This was not ideal for me. I did turn him down quite a bit, due to being unable to wake up.

But now our kids are 14, 16, 18. We have all this time to mess around and he's not interested. I'm 36, he is 42. He says he is happy with our level of intimacy. And has no problem with it. Recently I pushed him about it asking if there is anything I can do. He ultimately said "if you don't like it get it somewhere else."

....This upset me. About 4 years ago....he left and had an affair. With a horrible woman who is older than me. His friends couldn't believe it. I have worked SO hard to move past it after he came home and asked me to. And now...I'm wondering if THIS IS IT. In the past 4-5 months...we've had sex maybe once every 4-6 weeks. The only time he has tried to initiate was on a day during my finals in college...when I hadn't slept in days and had a test to study for, which I had to go and take in a few hours. I turned him down. For the first time in 4 years.

...I'm pretty. People routinely think my kids are my siblings. Most people think I'm about 24. I'm open minded and I try SO hard to attract my husband. But he's not into me. He doesn't like to kiss. He doesn't keep his eyes open when we have sex.

I've read some posts here...and I'm really disheartened. I really miss my husband. He's right here and I miss him. I am actually jealous of the dog. He seems to pay her more attention than me.

I waver between trying to make it work...trying to be attractive and...often he laughs at my attempts. And recently...I've tried just trying to NOT be attracted to him. To focus on the weight he has gained, etc. He keeps saying he's not what he was, he's not cute, when I say he is. He doesn't get that I just want to BE with him, I miss him and our wild times. I'm lonely and he's right here.

He was the second person for me ever. And he really opened my mind to intimacy, to what sex could be with someone you love and trust and are attracted to. I wonder...if he's not interested because there's nothing left that's new.

I wonder....can I just give up my sexuality...trade it in for hugs and kisses when he leaves for work and gets back. Since he came back...it's been all baby talk and smiles which is nice...but after the "make up sex" was over...so was the passion. Can I live without that? He was adamant that he is happy with the current situation. I am not.

I wonder why he came home to me if he doesn't want me. I'm sorry for this long post.
 

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It sounds like you haven't really recovered from his affair, for one thing. That sounds unresolved, for you at least.

As for him and his disinterest in intimacy and sex, are you sure he isn't up to something again? Is his heart still with the OW, or could they be in contact?
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I am recovered from the affair in some ways. Not in others. I guess...it really opened my eyes to my husband in a lot of ways. It also opened my eyes to the fact that even with all of the sacrifices I made over the years...he could be so unhappy as to have an affair.

I'm certainly a different person.

He isn't in contact with the OW. I think it was an aberration for him to have an affair. As for sex; He says he's over 40 now and has less interest in sex and intimacy and that it's normal. He had his testosterone checked and it was fine. He doesn't have ED. I do think he uses porn.

I'm kind of at the end of my rope here.
 

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A lot of times men get turned off by long term rejection and old resentments just don't allow it to come back. Plus I guess it feels good to dish out some of that same medicine.
Long term rejection can "steal" your sex life and a part of your identity. It doesn't feel good at all.

I'm not really a tit-for-tatter - but sometimes, you have to communicate in this manner so they understand how their actions feel to the reciever.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
WOMe, You may be right. When I try to talk to him about this...he often refers back to years and years ago.

But...perspective you know? I never threw it in his face those nights he had off that I would get myself all ready...and he wouldn't come to bed. He'd come to bed at around 3-4 am and want it...just hours before I had to be up with the kids.

Why is it...that he always wants it when I'm asleep, have morning breath, and I'm dead to the world? He complains that I wear pajamas. He has no idea how many nights I wake up cold and PUT them on...because he fell asleep downstairs.

I guess....he may be willing to give up today...because I was a mom. Breastfeeding and up with kids and exhausted. He doesn't remember how I actually tried to set a "Saturday night is FOR SEX night" and he felt that was too organized. Lol, I would be all waxed and lotioned and ready and it still wasn't good enough.

I guess...if he wants to live in the past there is a lot of past to live in. But I might not stick around in this future...ultimately. I'm not sure long term. I'm really not right at this instant.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Lol I actually feel like I need to defend myself. I was willing to do it in the mini-van in a public...area. I've made him pull over to do it in the woods. I'll put porn on and molest him in the living room in the middle of the day. He works nights and I will make him breakfast and put him to bed with a BJ. Tuck him in and go about my day. I don't really have anything I'll turn down in the bedroom. Just please...please come to me when I have brushed my teeth and I'm not in hard core sleep mode an hour or two before the kid's school bus comes.
 

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I'm sorry you are going through this. When he was having the affair how was his attraction level to you? I think what bothers me most as an outsider is that he outright told you 'if you dont like it get it somewhere else.'

It does sound like you go to a lot of effort to be attractive and available for him. That is very sad he is not taking advantage.
 

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Lol I actually feel like I need to defend myself. I was willing to do it in the mini-van in a public...area. I've made him pull over to do it in the woods. I'll put porn on and molest him in the living room in the middle of the day. He works nights and I will make him breakfast and put him to bed with a BJ. Tuck him in and go about my day. I don't really have anything I'll turn down in the bedroom. Just please...please come to me when I have brushed my teeth and I'm not in hard core sleep mode an hour or two before the kid's school bus comes.
Indeed that sounds like a reasonable request, especially considering the logistics.

Seems like the two of you have different biorhythms.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
His attraction had slowed down. But suddenly, he started dressing better, had our kid shave his back, and had an affair. It was borderline ridiculous.

We had some good hysterical bonding after he came home. But now...he's gained all the weight he lost when he went "affairing" back and more. I am still attracted to him. But when I try to kiss him, he acts like he can't wait for it to be over.

....yes when he said to get it somewhere else I almost passed out. I mentioned something about it recently and he apparently doesn't remember saying it. But HE SAID IT.
 

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You should be in MC. You really sound like someone who is trying. My best guess is there is a lot of resentment your husband has for you. If anyone should be resentful its you.
Find a therapist your both comfortable with and put it all out on the table. He has to forgive you for the past and you will have to do the same. Its a shame cause it reads like you really love this man and your willing to rock his world.
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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
We can't afford MC or counseling. I think you are right. He has a lot of resentment.

I've tried to let him have pretty much free reign our whole life. And he took it. I kept back, let him go to games and events and do what he wanted. I knew the kids and I were a drag. I knew pushing him to grow up and do the right things in life, like buy a house, was a drag.

But I'm 4 years away from the youngest graduating and I'll still be young. I love him, but I don't want to be a drag... And I'm well aware that there are women in the world that he doesn't find to be a drag...

I'm worried that love isn't enough, and lust and passion die sometimes. So...for now I'm second to the dog.
 

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You deserve to feel loved and cherished and desired.

You cannot fix this alone.

He needs to be putting effort into fixing this, or else you are just missing out on life and love elsewhere, just so he can not be inconvenienced by your rather understandable needs and having to own up to the damage he caused with the affair.

My wife recently said something like "I wish you would get it somewhere else." Ha! if only it was that simple (let alone a true wish of hers). Trouble is, I'm not just looking to get "it", I crave the whole thing (a fulfilling loving relationship). It's just getting harder to want it with her.
 
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I guess...if he wants to live in the past there is a lot of past to live in. But I might not stick around in this future...ultimately. I'm not sure long term. I'm really not right at this instant.
Have you said this to him? Not vaguely hinted but said directly that you are unwilling to accept this level of effort and intimacy long-term and that since he had the need to say "get it elsewhere," you are placing on the table the option to leave him and do just that? You said he wants to live in the past; I say he should be grateful to have a present to work in, after his cheating.

You don't have to nag him; just lay it out there. Then pull back. He'll either act or he won't ... and you will have your answer.
 

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"....yes when he said to get it somewhere else I almost passed out. I mentioned something about it recently and he apparently doesn't remember saying it. But HE SAID IT."


This is what makes me worry that he might be back in contact with OW or that he might be in a new affair. They can't keep track of the things they say when they are in one, and they are more likely to just get mean and nasty.
 

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He isn't in contact with the OW. I think it was an aberration for him to have an affair.
How do you know? What steps have you taken to confirm?

Also, what did you two do after you discovered the affair?

Even if he is not having the affair, consider that it is linked. It may be resentment (he deserved the affair because of how you treated him), it may be depression (he is awful for having cheated, so he does not deserve it), who knows. But I don't think you can afford not to get counseling.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
....The affair was almost 4 years ago. He lied and said his behavior was not about someone else. But essentially it was. He left before I knew that was it, and I prepared to live without him with our kids (who he wasn't interested in either.) Nobody deserves an affair. If at any point he had been sane in the process of his affair...I would not have taken him back. What did I do? Well...I got myself together. I got hit on by his friends, which is how I actually learned he was having the affair. By then...when I learned he was already living with her.

Maybe he is resentful. I don't really know what else I could have done for him over the years. I didn't treat him poorly. He is the king of the castle and his word is the last word. I even worked and gave him my paycheck with no questions.

I put up with a lot from him and I'm pretty sure nobody else would. But....ultimately it's the current sex life I'm going crazy over.

I don't think he's having another affair. I think he has convinced himself he's old and unsexy. Which is ridiculous.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
You deserve to feel loved and cherished and desired.
Trouble is, I'm not just looking to get "it", I crave the whole thing (a fulfilling loving relationship). It's just getting harder to want it with her.
This is it exactly. You get it. I want intimacy and the whole thing. I have been pretty clear with him that if he feels he needs sex outside of "us" like before...he needs to tell me up front so I can decide what to do with my life. Because I can't go through that mess again. I didn't end up with any STD's but that was a scary thing, living after being tested, worrying. His "affair partner" well he thought she was a "good girl" but...she's more of a good time girl.

I think if he wanted another affair...he'd probably tell me. The skank he had...she ended up with one of his friends for a bit, then moved on to another one whom I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't go back with her. And if he did have another affair, it would be a massive deal breaker for me.

We went to ONE counseling appt. It was ridiculous. I'm more of a Beck school of belief person. And I think he does need IC but he won't go and honestly we can't afford it. I'm in college right now.

Has anyone here fixed the sex issues in their marriage? Just wondering if there are any tips, tricks, or books people liked?
 

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Sorry for what your going through. I too went through the same things with my wife. I have 3 kids and a busy life and wife.

I think your husband does have resentment and guilt. What happened in the MC that was so bad? Will he talk to you about sex without getting upset?
 

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Might there be some type of pursuit game going on? If he can cheat on you and you are still there its fair for him to assume you will always be there. Which of your expectations of him are deal breakers?

Humans take the path of least resistance and if something is uncomfortable we will avoid it if we can. IF WE CAN'T...now you will see our best effort. It sounds to me like you could use some "tension" in your relationship. My wife would have never made the effort she is if I did not have one foot out the door.

BTW, there are plenty of forty somethings with drives that are still rockin"...that is likely BS.
 
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